Regret Me Not (5 page)

"Are you sure you're alright? You're very quiet today," Brayden asks as he pulls up in front of my house.

I nod. I'm not ready to leave him. Being around him and all the positive energy that oozes out of him helps me forget how upset I am. He makes everything seem so much better and brighter. I want more time with him.

"Would you like to come in?"

"Ooh, I finally get an invitation into the house."

"What? Are you a vampire that you're celebrating an invitation?" I tease. "You should've mentioned sooner that you wanted one."

"That would've made a difference?"

"No." I lie. 

I know my mother isn't home. She sent me a text message earlier that she had errands to run. I think that's code for Jessica stuff. I assume they're together. I never want to invite Brayden in when they're home. The last thing I want is to give him any insight into just how dysfunctional my family really has become. Hearing rumors is one thing, seeing it first hand; I don't think I could handle that. After jumping out of his car at the mention of my sister, Brayden never asked anything about Jessica or my family again.

I warn him to park down at the curb instead of in the driveway in case my mother comes home early, but I have no doubt that I'll get him to leave before she returns. The first thing I hear when we enter the house is my sister calling to my mother.

"Mom, is that you?"

She walks in from the living room wearing a skimpy pair of shorts I think she had since the eighth grade that make her legs look like they're never ending, and a tank top that's hugging, clinging to her every curve. Jess has her brown hair pulled up in a ponytail, and she's carrying a bowl of ice cream in her hand, the spoon in her mouth, acting like it's the middle of summer. Seeing me with Brayden, she blinks her large grey eyes a few times. I wish I had the power to blink my eyes and make her disappear.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, stunned and terrified to see her standing before me.

"I live here, smart ass."

"I know, but I thought you were with Mom."

"Oh, so Little Miss Perfect is sneaking her boyfriend in the house for some sexy time?" Her eyebrows wiggle up and down.

"Shut up. It's not like that."

She chuckles, "Sure it's not. It's nice to see that the good daughter has a bad side to her, too," she taunts.

I turn away from Jess and attempt to put my focus back on Brayden. "I'm sorry, I had no idea she'd be here."

He smiles a warm, flirty smile, at me. I'm so nervous Jessica is going to turn him off to me, my hands tremble. If Brayden notices he doesn't show it. Instead the bright light inside him that draws people to him like moths to a flame shines through. "It's fine, Kenzie. Hi Jessica, I'm Brayden," he steps closer to her and extends his hand.

Her eyes open a bit wider. For a moment she doesn't make a move, she doesn
't do anything. "Hey, Brayden."

"It's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard so much about you." I'm surprised by the kindness and sincerity in his tone. There's nothing demeaning or mocking about it.

She snickers. "I'm sure Kenzie has only
wonderful
things to say about me."

"Like I'd say
anything
about you. Whatever he heard came from the people you hit up and hit on."

Her eyes fall, and for the slightest moment, I think I see them cloud over with tears.

"What can I say? I'm famous like that." She places her bowl in the sink and without another word or look in our direction, Jessica walks out of the kitchen.

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be." He steps closer and tilts my chin up with his pointer finger so I'd have to look him in the eyes. "I'm glad to finally meet her." 

I step backward, away from him. I want, no I need to change the subject. "Do you want something to drink?"

"Sure. Can I have a glass of milk?"

"Milk?"

He nods.

"Seriously?"

"What's wrong with milk?"

Suddenly my hands are in his. I feel the heavy pounding inside my chest that happens every time he touches me.

"Nothing, it's just so wholesome and pure."

Brayden's eyes fall to the ground as the shy smile I find so endearing spreads across his face. "Wholesome and pure?" His eyes brows rise, "You trying to ruin my reputation, woman?" I'm moving closer to him, only I'm not sure if he's pulling me or if I'm moving on my own accord.

I lick my lip, wondering, hoping in another moment I'll feel his mouth crushing mine. 

His eyes are serious, his voice stern. "Don't
ever
say that around the guys, I'll never hear the end of it."

I want to laugh at him, but I don't. Instead I focus on the other thought racing through my mind. I think about his pouty lips, and how soft they would feel against mine. I'm disappointed he doesn't notice how much I want to kiss him. Either that or he doesn't want me in the same desperate way. I study his face, searching for a clue to what's going on in his head, and that's when I notice.

"Are you blushing? OMG, Brayden, I made you blush!"

"What did you do? Tell him how his hot bod turns you on?" At the sound of Jessica's voice he lets go of my hands. I feel like the air has been sucked from my lungs, but I'm not sure if it’s because of how Brayden reacted or because of what my sister said. I think I'll die as she continues. "Or how sweet his ass looks in those jeans?" Her eyes move up and down his body, making me want to scratch them out of their sockets.

I dig my fingernails into my palms as I fight to keep the tears stinging my eyes trapped, locked away.

"Yeah, I don't think Kenzie has noticed either of those things," his hands muss my hair. "But thanks for the compliment." He winks at her and I want to throw up. Is that why he's been so nice to me? Is it really Jessica he's after? A quick roll in the hay to confirm the poison our friends and neighbors spread around about her?

"Don't let her good girl act fool you. She's noticed. By the way, sis, I wanted to let you know Mom just texted me, she'll be home in twenty minutes."

"Didn't Mom and Dad confiscate your phone?" I want to embarrass her, make her feel just as small and humiliated as she's made me feel.

"I earned it back. Besides, they get notifications of all my texts, and I can only call them and emergency numbers right now. Anyhow, you know where I'll be." Once again she leaves the kitchen.

"I'm sorry. Now you can see why I never invited you in. It wasn't because I didn't want to, it's because she's so vile. I swear, I hate her."

He steps closer to me and wraps his arms around me. I feel safe and sheltered leaning against him, breathing him in. I wish he could hold me forever. "You don't hate her. And she isn't vile."

"Yes, I do. Didn't you hear her? She's awful."

He tilts my head up and brushes the hair away from my eyes, "You love her. That's why it hurts so much. If you really hated her, you wouldn't let her get to you." He kisses the top of my head, and I feel an ache in my chest, wishing he kissed my lips instead.

I realize that's all he's going to give me, the warmth and security of his arms paired with a few tender kisses on the head. I think back to first night he drove me home. He said he wanted me. And like the chicken I was, I ran away and never bothered to ask him what he meant. As much as I long to know if he still wants me, I can't make the first move. I have to follow his lead because I'm too frightened to find out that I chased that feeling away, and I don't want to face rejection from Brayden. Rejection will hurt. A lot. It will just plain slice my heart into pieces. Instead I have to play it safe while I figure out where I stand in Brayden's life.

"So a little bird tells me you really know nothing about football."

"Maybe I didn't before the season started, but I know all I need to know now."

"Too bad."

I have no idea where he's going with this.

"I thought maybe I could tutor you personally." His hands rest on my hips. "I think you'll find I can be a good teacher."

It's an offer I can't refuse, I only hope he's planning to use a hands-on method.

Chapter 6

More Than Friends

The day after Thanksgiving I run out for the mail as soon as I hear the truck pass.    Some of my friends already received their first acceptance letters. I can't believe I'll be leaving in less than a year. I don't even have a first choice school, just as long as it's away from our small town. I want to escape the rumors surrounding my family. I'm tired of always hearing the whispers about my drug addicted sister and crappy parents. I constantly feel the eyes of the onlookers watching me, waiting for me to screw up and screw up royally. I hate that other people feel they have the right to pass judgement on us.

I head into the kitchen carrying the mail, including a thick letter from a university in upstate New York. I'm nervous, but I heard the thick envelopes are acceptances. I want to open it with my parents, so they can share in my excitement. I stop short at the sound of their hushed voices, as I decide whether or not to go inside. Quiet tones usually mean something bad is going on with Jess. She seems to be doing well over the last month since she came out of rehab. She gained five pounds and lost the emaciated look about her. She speaks to us more, and even enrolled in a class for the winter session through an online university. I wonder what could've happened to derail her progress.

Staying in the shadows, I inch closer to the kitchen, but I do it so my parents can't see me.

"We need to tell her." My mother whispers a little too loud. "It's not fair to wait for the last minute to spring it on her."

"I know. I just keep hoping something will change. That we'll be able to swing it."

"You've already borrowed against your retirement fund. There's not a whole lot left that we can do."

They're not talking health, they're talking finances.

"There's really nothing wrong with community college." My mother says sounding like she's trying to convince herself as much as my father.

Maybe they're nervous about telling Jessica she has to finish her degree there. I don't know why? They gave her a chance to prove herself at Ohio State. The fact she lost her mind in the process was on her, not them.

"I know, but she has her heart set on going away. And it's what we pounded into her head since she was a little girl. I feel like we're letting her down."

And then it hits me. Jess doesn't want to go back. They're not worried about how Jess is going to take the news, they're worried about me. I can't stay in the shadows any longer.

"Why do I have to go to community college?"

The silence coupled with their large eyes and open mouths tell me I took them by surprise.

"Sweetheart, why don't you come sit down." My mother walks over to me and offers me a phony, nervous smile.

I take a step back before she can rest her hand on my shoulder. I shake my head, "Don't. Just tell me."

My father's face looks pained. The blue of his eyes is dull, they seem to have lost all their life and color. The lines etched into his forehead and around his eyes look deeper than they were even a few weeks ago. "With everything that happened with your sister in these last few months. The situation has changed."

"Because she screwed up you don't trust me?"

"No. Of course we trust you." My mother goes back to her seat. "It's the cost. We've spent so much money on her treatment, and with me leaving my job so I can be here for her, our financial situation has changed." She looks to my father for help.

"Mackenzie, the truth is, if you don't get scholarships, we can't afford for you to go anywhere but community college. Even then, unless they're substantial, we can't make it work."

I turn away, hating them. Hating my sister. The only thing pushing me forward since we became the talk of the town is the promise of getting out of it. I didn't do anything wrong, but still I want to get away and start over. I want to be a little fish in a big pond, where no one knows my name. And now I can't even do that.

"I'm out of here," I grab my pocket book and walk out, slamming the door behind me.

I sit in the car feeling like I've lost everything. I have nowhere to go. Not now, not in the fall, maybe not ever. I want to be alone, and at the same time, I know that's the last thing I want. I close my eyes and take a breath. I want a shoulder to cry on, and as much as I love and trust Olivia, her shoulders aren't as strong and supportive as Brayden's.

I dial his number and ask him to meet me at a nearby playground. Alone in the brisk, autumn air, I rub my arms, wishing I had the presence of mind to grab a sweatshirt, or jacket. I climb up the playground apparatus and sit inside the clubhouse; it's the highest point. Although up high, it's somewhat sheltered and offers some protection from the cold breeze whipping around me.

I pull my knees in close to my chest and wrap myself into a ball. The cold bites at my skin and eyes, making them tear. I don't feel like fighting it anymore. There's no reason to try and hold back. I bury my head in my arms and give way to the sobbing I've been holding in since I left my house.

"Kenzie?"

I don't answer him, instead I cry harder, mortified I couldn't hold it together until he got here. A few moments later his jacket is over my shoulders, and his arms hold me tight. He kisses the top of my head and rests his cheek on my hair.

Brayden sits beside me with his legs extended in front of him. I lean against him, trying to steal the warmth his body produces. He's always warm, no matter how cold it is outside. Pressed against his side, I wish we could be closer. I wish every part of me could be touched by every part of him. I tilt my head up, knowing his eyes will meet mine. All I want at that moment is to give in to the urge to kiss him. Give in to the battle I've been fighting since he drove me to the hospital the night my sister OD'd. I reach my hand up and touch the side of his face.

Brayden gathers me onto his lap, his chest heaving. I watch him closely, paying attention to how the muscles in his arms ripple beneath his shirt. I want to touch them. Instead, I lay my head on the top of his shoulder, familiarizing myself with the feel of his arms. I like how they feel around me, and I want to explore his chest, but I don't dare. I meet his eyes again wondering if he could read the thoughts racing through my mind. The charge in the air between us is thick and heavy. His lips inch toward mine. I wait, but they never make it all the way. He stops, hesitates, leaving me in a state of longing and yearning. I'm disappointed. I think I'll lose my mind if he doesn't kiss me right now. This instant. 

My heart drums hard against my chest as I stare into his heavy lidded eyes. Smoldering brown eyes framed by the longest, thickest lashes I've ever seen. Sweet caramel eyes that never hold judgement or persecution. He's perfect. Everything about him, is perfect; the way he looks, the way he acts. And he's holding me, looking at me with the same need and desire I feel. His breath is warm against my lips, and I will him to move forward, but he doesn't. I wonder, why am I holding back? Why am I fighting the inevitable? I want him and the feeling doesn't weaken as time goes on, it only gets stronger.

His thumbs brush away the traces of my salty tears before his hands cup my face. I'm tired of feeling powerless and out of control. I don't want to wait any longer. I can't. I clasp my hands at the base of his neck and lean into him. Our lips come together at last. His are every bit as soft and inviting as I imagined. While the air around us continues to bluster, I no longer feel it. A blanket of warmth radiates between us as his strong supportive hands move down my back and press my body against his.

The kiss is hungry, demanding. It pushes all other thoughts aside. I clench his shirt tight; my fingers lose feeling. I'm pulling him closer. No matter how close he is, it's not close enough. He leans into me and guides me down. Seconds later I'm lying on the floor of the clubhouse.

Brayden's holding me so close I'm not sure where he begins and I end. I don't care. He's on top of me, using his body as a blanket to cover me, shelter me. I close my eyes savoring each touch. We don't stop kissing to straighten out or readjust ourselves. We've waited too long for this and can't quench the unyielding need between us.

Brayden takes control. His hungry mouth moves from mine only to take a breath before it reclaims my lips, hard. His hand is moving up and down the side of my leg, up my stomach, up to my breast. My back arches to his touch. This is better than I imagined and I don't want it to stop. Ever. His tongue dances with mine as he leads me on a journey of intense pleasure, somewhere far away and glorious, to a land I never visited before.

It's a while before Brayden pulls away, but when he does, I feel it inside me, like someone shoved me hard, off a cliff. I pull him back to stop the free falling feeling, and lift his shirt. Again he breaks away. With closed eyes and heavy breathing he shakes his head. I know he's not rejecting me, when he was on top of me I felt how fast he swelled with desire. He's resisting, but why? Brayden pushes himself back up to a sitting position and helps me onto his lap again. His hands move to my head as he searches my face. He doesn't speak. He doesn't have to; I see flames burning in his eyes. He pulls me against his chest again, holding me, cradling me. As I lean against him, I hear the quickened pace, feel the heavy pounding, the thump, thump, thump of his heart.

After a few minutes, he glances down at me. I'm not embarrassed of making the first move. He wanted me just as much as I wanted him. I felt it in the intensity of the kiss. I shift on his legs, turning my body to face him. I straddle his lap, and lean in to kiss him once again. Brayden doesn't protest or argue. I don't expect that he would. This kiss is sweet, tender. It doesn't have the same deep burning need as the one before. His hands run across my back as our tongues twist and twirl together. From my back his hands drop to my thighs, moving up and down my legs, making me wish he were touching my bare skin rather than the course material.

"Brayden," I whisper as I break away.

"Oh, God, Kenzie." His voice is low, raw. "I waited forever for you to kiss me."

"Then why didn't you kiss me first?"

"I didn't know how you'd react and I didn't want to scare you off."

I lean in again. I want more. For once I don't care if anyone is watching. Let them.  Being in his arms makes the world right. It pushes my problems away. I forget about them. I forget about school and Jessica. I forget about money or the lack there of. The only thing that matters is Brayden and me. The here and now. Once again he takes over. I feel this kiss throughout my body, in my chest, in my belly, between my legs. Parts of my body I don't usually feel wake to his touch and beg for more. Brayden's hands move up to my face again as he leans his forehead against mine.  

"We need to stop." He looks uncertain, frightened even.

"No." My lips meet the warm skin of his neck.

"Kenzie, please. We can't let things go too far."

I ignore what he just said and bring my hand down in his lap. I know how to change his mind, I place my hand
there
and squeeze. I can tell from the groan deep in his throat he likes it.

"Why not?" I whisper.

"Because it's too much, too fast." He shuts his eyes and takes a breath before grabbing my hands and entwining our fingers so I can't touch him. "If you only knew how long I've been waiting and how hard it’s been . . . " He closes his eyes tight . "Fuck! I can't believe I'm saying no."

"Then don't."

"Kenzie." The pleading tone of his voice stops me. "Don't hide from me."

"Does this feel like I'm hiding?" I brush my lips against his. "It feels more like I'm coming out of hiding."

"Something's wrong, what is it? Tell me what happened."

"I don't want to talk. I thought that was clear."

A strangled sound comes out of his mouth, but he doesn't release my hands. "Come on, be straight with me. Are you alright?"

I nod and let out a frustrated sigh. "Better now."

"While I'd love to think you broke down like this just because you want me, and find me irresistible, I know that's not the case. C'mon, tell me what happened," He smoothes my hair, "Is it Jess?"

I shake my head and drop my eyes. Knowing I'm about to sound like a spoiled brat.

"Yes. Not really. I'm just so pissed at my parents. Sometimes I think everyone would be better off if I just disappeared. I don't even think they'd notice."

He lifts my chin with his index finger so I meet his eyes. "Don't. Ever. Say. That. I wouldn't be better off. And neither would your parents." He's serious, his stare penetrating. "Why don't you tell me what happened? Maybe I can help."

I take a deep breath and lean my head on his shoulder. "Everything is so fucked up. She throws her life away, and she gets rewarded. She gets everything. I try to do the right thing, and I'm just an afterthought. They toss me whatever scraps she leaves behind like I'm a freaking stray dog."

"Look at me."

I shake my head, suddenly self-conscious.

"Kenzie, listen," he moves so my head is no longer in the crook of his neck. "I want to listen to what you're saying. I do. It's important to me. But with you breathing on my neck like that . . . I can't think straight," he explains. "All I can think about is laying you down and kissing you again. And touching your skin. God, it was so soft. But I can't. Because I don't know how long I can touch you without wanting more; you felt so good, so right . . . " He shakes his head. "And I can't, I won't, let that happen because that was the best kiss of my life, and all I want is to to kiss you again. Only I'm terrified something is seriously wrong and if I let things go where you want them to, you're going to withdraw and run away from me again. And I've tried so hard to get you to see you don't need to run. Not from me."