Regret Me Not (9 page)

"Oh yeah?" Brayden teases. "How much do you love her? Enough to let Josh and me watch?"

I slap his chest. "Pervert!"

He laughs. "Hey, she's the one that kissed you."

Before I know it, we're surrounded by Brayden's friends. Parents make their way over, and the barrage of flashes coupled with the orders being shouted at us give me sympathy for stars hounded by paparazzi.

"I'll pick you up at ten?" he asks before we part.

I shrug.

"It's graduation night, and there's no one I rather spend it with than you."

My stomach twists. I force a smile on my face. "Sure. I can't wait."

As the building empties out and we head for the car, the rain has slowed. Still large, heavy drops fall from the sky. I can't help but think even the universe is crying for me.

*

We've been at Carlos' house for all of twenty minutes and already I want to leave. I feel like shit. I want to be happy. I want to laugh and cheer and spray beer on my friends too, but my heart isn't in it, and I can't seem to fake it.

I don't want to bring Brayden down. He's bursting with energy. They all are. I haven't seen the guys this happy and rowdy since the first game of the season. I think if I go outside for some fresh air I might be able to pull myself together.

"So is this what you do?" I cringe at the voice, and hope it's aimed at someone other than me, but I have no such luck. "You come out here and play the damsel in distress hoping someone will follow and rescue you?"

"I don't need to be rescued, Scott. I just want some fresh air."

"That's what you think. Give it some time, Kenzie. Once he's away at college and dumps your ass you'll be begging . . ."

"Shut up!"

I snap my head to the left to find Brayden approaching.

"What is your fucking problem Scott? She didn't want you because you were an obnoxious pig. You want to keep proving that's all you'll ever be?"

Scott looks me over from head to toe with a sarcastic smirk, "I gave her what she wanted, and I treated her the way she deserved to be treated."

I jump in front of Brayden as he lurches for Scott. I place my hands on his chest and press lightly, wanting to back him up. I thought things were better between them, I guess I was wrong.

"You know what, seeing how whipped you are, I'm glad I was smart enough to leave her groveling on her knees."

I place my hands on each of Brayden's cheeks. I need to diffuse the situation.

"Look at me," Brayden peels my hands off him. I close my fingers tight around his, "Let him go."

He shakes his head. I understand he wants to defend me, but he needs to realize he doesn't have to. Scott doesn't matter to me, he never did.

"How do I let him say that about you?"

I shrug. "I don't care what he says about me. You're here with your friends, you should be celebrating, not letting Scott piss you off."

He brushes a piece of hair back behind my ear. "I'd rather be celebrating with you. Why are you out here?"

"I'm sorry." I lean into him and rest my head against his chest. "I just needed a minute."

"Don't be sorry. Tell me what's wrong."

"It's nothing."

"Kenzie," he pulls away and looks down into my eyes. "Don't lie."

"I'm just nostalgic I guess."

He kisses my nose, "I know you're worried, about school, I promise we're going to be fine."

I don't say anything.

"I mean it, Kenzie."

"I know you think you mean that but you can't possibly . . ."

"Hey, I mean it. End of story." He tilts my head up and presses his lips against mine. "Besides all I ever hear is how I'm just like my father, and he married his high school sweetheart."

"Really? Your parents met in high school?"

He smiles down at me and nods. "Yep. And they weren't much older than us when they got married."

"I bet he didn't leave her to go away to college." I regret the words as they spill out of my mouth. I don't want him to feel bad, and I don't want to guilt him into doing something stupid.

"I promise, Kenzie . . ."

I place my pointer and middle finger over his lips. "I'm sorry, Brayden. I don't mean to bring you down. I'll be fine. I promise."

He squeezes me tight. "Here's the thing, Kenzie. Today we passed a milestone. It brings us one day closer to the next one. And after that it won't be long until I put a ring on your finger and promise to devote the rest of my life to you. And I
will
marry you. I
will
make you happy. You just need to believe. Believe in us. Believe in me."

For the moment, I close my eyes and allow his words to sink into my head, and into my heart. Right along with his promises I even allow in the tiniest piece of hope.

Chapter 9

Our First Goodbye

Even with the air conditioner on, the mid July heat is sticky and stifling. I can't wait for the heat wave to end so I can feel human again. At least I don't have to do anything outdoors. I can stay in the comfort of air-conditioning for most of my day. I hope it breaks before Brayden leaves for school. I'd hate for him to have to practice in full gear in oppressive weather like this. Knowing he'll be gone soon wrings my heart. It’s a fact I don't want to face, but deep down I know I can't hide from it any longer.

We're sitting in Brayden's car, the air thick with tension. We both know it's time to say goodnight. For the moment, only I know it's goodbye as well. I stare at him, trying to get my fill, hoping to memorize every nuance of his face: his long lashes, delicious lips, and his smile that lights the night sky.

"I know there's something wrong, I can see it in your eyes so why don't you fess up and tell me what's going on."

I hesitate and consider aborting my plan for the moment. I fast forward our relationship to some point in the future. A time when he's playing professionally and we're married. I think of how happy I'll be, wrapped up in our own world. And then I add a couple of kids to the image. I'll be stuck at home while he's traveling from city to city. Instead of me in his bed, I'll be replaced by drunk and stoned groupies throwing themselves at him. Girls and women who can follow him and will be happy to live out his every fantasy and then some. Young pretty girls with no responsibilities, free to party all night long. It's not a far jump until I look for something to numb the pain. Until I go down the same path as my sister.

"It's you, Brayden. I mean not you, but the circumstances. You're leaving for school."

"I won't be far." He rests his hand at the bottom of my neck and strokes my skin with his thumb. I push from my mind the warmth spreading through me, the tiny bumps that cover my skin at his touch. "I'll come home as often as I can. And you can come stay over, any time you want."

I shake my head, take his hand off my neck and hold it instead. I think better that way. "It won’t work. My parents won’t let me stay over. If I was away at school they wouldn't have a say, but now that I'm stuck here . . ."

"We'll talk all the time. Nothing has to change."

"Everything has to change."

"But we don't have to change with it."

"We don't have a choice. You finally get to be one of the guys instead of the one policing them. Just go and have fun without anyone holding you back."

"You won't hold me back."

"Then maybe you'll hold me back. Maybe I want to take advantage of what-ever college experience I can grasp."

"That's bullshit and you know it."

I know I have to dig down deep inside and force him to let go.

"I'm serious. I don't want to start college tied down."

He pulls his hand from mine. "Why are you doing this?"

"I told you . . ."

"And I know you're lying out of your ass. You want to be free to what? To hook up with random guys? To go party? Maybe I'd buy it if you were going away somewhere where no one knew you? Even then it would be a hard sell."

"It's what everyone expects, why not give them what they want? Why hold on to each other when we're going to be torn apart in the end? We'll both be better off."

He shakes his head, "Neither of us will be better off. I'll miss you like crazy, and I have to believe I mean more to you than this, that the reason you're doing this is because I mean so much to you and you're afraid."

"You know I love you."

"Then don't be so sure we'll crash and burn, give us a chance."

I can't look at him anymore. I can't listen. Each word he speaks is a spike in my heart. I reach for the door handle, he reaches out and grabs my other arm.

"You're not Jess," I hear desperation in his voice. It's a sound I never want to hear from him. It's hard to breathe, like a gorilla is using my chest as a trampoline. "And I'm not Mike. You're so much stronger than she is. You won’t make the same mistakes she made."

I open the door and shoot to my feet. I know I could do it now with conviction. "And notice the one thing you didn't say, 'I won't cheat on you.' Goodbye, Brayden."

"Kenzie!" I hear him call after me, "Come back!"

I don't. I continue straight into my house and close the door behind me as fast as I can. I lean my back against the door, paralyzed, listening for his car to leave. I'm so torn, I know I did the right thing for both of us, but I want to run back out to him and tell him I didn't mean it. I struggle to stay where I am, glued in place. Minutes pass before I hear the engine of Brayden's car start up. As he drives off, I allow the reality of what I just did to sink in. I just kicked Brayden Turner, my once incredible boyfriend, out of my life.

*

If only I had the strength to stick to my convictions, maybe we'd all be better off. But I'm weak. Weak, down deep in my heart and soul where I wish I could find a bit of strength stored away.  Days pass, and while I don't reach out to Brayden, I don't cut all ties the way I know I should. 

After a few days he cools off. That's when the texts start up.

Hey.

I miss you.

I can't help myself.

I miss you, too.

In a surprise visit, he stops by my house the night before he leaves for school. My parents invite him in, even though they have no idea if I want to see him or not. They know we broke up and that we haven't seen each other in more than a week but they don't know why. I don't make a move to come out to see him, not even when they call for me. They don't pick up on the subtlety of that hint and send him away. No. Instead they send him up to my room. I panic when I hear the footsteps coming near. I have no time to react before he'll catch a glimpse of the evidence scattered about, proving how deep in my heart Brayden lives.

"You sleep with my football?" I turn, and there he is standing just inside the doorjamb, my heart thrums.

I stare a moment too long, wanting to throw my arms around him, and fighting the urge with every ounce of will power I have. After a moment, I follow his gaze and see the top of the football poking out from under my covers; the game ball from his last high school game ever. Instead of keeping it, he gave it to me, claiming I kept him inspired the entire season. I never before let on how much I treasure it.

"I don't sleep with a football," I scoffed. "Eww. That's gross."

I can tell from his smile he doesn't believe me. "You know, just say the word and you can replace the football with the real thing."

I look at the floor, because it's easier than looking in his eyes and finding hurt and disappointment that replaced the love I'm used to finding there.

"Shouldn't you be home packing?"

"Done. I leave in the morning."

I nod. "I know."

He runs his hand through his hair and looks away, pulling at my heartstrings with his shy abashed look. The look I thought was an act until I got to know him.

"I have a favor to ask."

"I'm listening."

"You know, in college, homecoming is a pretty big deal."

"And?"

"Well I was thinking, maybe, if I don't really hit it off with any of the dozens of girls you want me to hook up with," my heart screams at the sound of his words. I don't want to hear anymore, I want him to stop. "Maybe you'll be my guest for homecoming?"

"I don't think that's a good idea." I keep my eyes fixed on the fibers of my carpet so he can't see how sharp the thought of him with "dozens of girls" is.

"Which part?" he steps closer, and using his index finger, tilts my chin up so I look into his eyes.

"I think you know which part."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. You have a bigger issue coming to see me at homecoming than you do with me . . ."

"That's not true and you know it."

He shakes his head, looking frustrated. "No, Kenzie, I don't. Right now I don't know anything."

"Fine, then I'll clear it up. I'm not asking you to hook up with, 'dozens of girls.' I'm not
asking
you to hook up with any girls. And if you do, I sure as hell don't want to know about it."

"Why not? Isn't that why you want me to be free?"

My eyes water. Why is he doing this? 

Brayden inches closer to me. He's so close I can feel the heat of his body bouncing off mine. His hands move to the bottom of my neck as his fingers weave into hair. My pulse races, blood surges hard and fast through my veins. We haven't touched or kissed in days and the anticipation of what he'll do next drives me mad.

"Don't you want me to go over to the hot girls at parties," his voice is low, I feel his breath against my lips. "And flirt with them?"

I shake my head, willing him to kiss me.

"Don't you want me to take a long look into their eyes," his eyes hold me captive, unable to break free from the emotional hold he has on me. "And kiss them?" he leans forward, his mouth centimeters from mine, so close I can taste the mintyness of his breath. "Don't you want me to get close to them?" one hand moves down to my lower back as he pulls me against his body. "Aren't I supposed to make them wish I would touch them everywhere, the way I used to touch you?" His eyes rake over my body, from my eyes to my lips, to my chest, all the way down.

He breaks me. That's his goal and he succeeds. "Please, stop." I sound pathetic. Its bad enough my voice is low, barely audible, but it has to crack, too?! I sound like a prepubescent boy. "Please don't do this."

"Why not? You said you want to be free to party and hook up with other guys. And this way I'm free to fu . . . "

"Stop!" I cover his mouth with my hand. I don't want to hear the end of that sentence.

He pulls my hand away from his mouth. "I'm just asking you to come to homecoming with me so I can take my time getting back into the dating scene. If you say yes it doesn't change anything, I get it. We're still broken up."

"Fine. If you still want me to go with you when the time comes, I'll be there."

He nods. "Thanks."

"Brayden," my voice rises at the end of his name. Why can't I sound as confident and assured as he does? "I love you."

"Bye, Kenzie."

He turns and leaves, taking a chunk of my heart with him.

*

A new day means I'm one day closer to the homecoming dance. I'd be lying if I don't admit I want to go. I want to see him, to touch him, to be with him. The thought of being in Brayden's arms again, even if for just one night makes the days bearable. On the first day of school Brayden texts me throughout the day.

OMG you should see this prof with his comb over. If a strong wind blows I think he might fly away.

Just finished Freshman Seminar, I still don't know the point of this class. Is it even a class or is the point to socialize?

Public Speaking-Did someone forget to shower, or did a skunk die in this room? How are your classes going?

Each time my phone chimes alerting me to a message, my mood lifts and my heart picks up speed. I can't fight the excitement I feel knowing he still cares, knowing I'm on his mind. It's like we're still together, and I start to question my decision. What's the harm in trying? I think I might even suggest it, but then that's it, they just stop. Nothing that night, or the next day. No communication at all. And nothing the day after that.

My mind betrays me with thoughts and images of Brayden at school, flirting with another girl. Flirting with a lot of other girls. When Scott and I broke up he went through girls like cookies in a taste test, one after the other. I didn't care what Scott did, but Brayden felt I needed an explanation. He said Scott was just trying to prove something to the guys. I wonder if Brayden is in that same frame of mind trying to prove something to himself?

I try to get him off my mind by talking to Olivia, but she's away at school too. A different school than Brayden, but it doesn't make me feel any less like I'm left behind in a cloud of dust. When I do speak to her, she can't contain her excitement.

"OMG, Kenzie. It is amazing here! My roommate and I have partied every night since we got here!"

"Just be careful. I've heard how crazy those college parties can get."

"We haven't been invited to
actual
parties yet, but there are these guys that live upstairs, and they always have a stocked fridge."

"What about Josh?"

"We agreed what happens at school stays at school, and when we go home we'll see if we still want to be together."

Funny, it seems like an easy enough agreement. Its a win/win situation. Screw around at school as much as you want, and then come home to the one that you love. It's a situation I wouldn't be able to handle. I need to keep the conversation going so she doesn't bring up Brayden. She tried to convince me to call him and ask for another chance before she left for school

"I guess you're getting along with your roommate then?"