Regret Me Not (13 page)

"Leave, Brayden," I yell down.

"No. I let you call the shots long enough. Get down here before I tell them."

"Tell us what?"

I run down the steps before he can say anything more, desperate to stop him. My whole family is gathered around the bottom landing, my parents, my sister, and Brayden. Once my eyes fall on him, I can't shift them away. Instead I look long and hard, soaking him in. His cheeks are red and ruddy, the top of his hairline damp with sweat, and his shirt has wet patches on it, as if he ran the two miles from the high school to my house. Still looking at him makes my heart flutter and my stomach swirl.

"You don't want to be here. You moved on, so why don't you just leave."

"Is that why you waited until now? Because I'm with someone else?"

Ignoring the show in front of her, Jessica tries to pry my parents away and into the kitchen.

"Let's give them some privacy." She tugs at my mother's arm.

"No." My father shoots her a look. "I knew something wasn't right." He looks to Brayden, "Why don't you tell me what the hell is going on."

I shake my head, my eyes pleading with him.

"I can't believe you didn't tell them, that they don't know."

I clear my throat, but still my voice sounds meek. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Bullshit."

"Brayden," my father scolds.

"No, sir. I'm sorry but this is a load of crap," he runs his hand through his hair and turns his unnerving stare back on me. "Why are you making me do this?"

"I'm not
making
you do anything."

"I know what you're planning to do. I'm sorry, but I can't let you."

"Do you mind filling me in?" We all know it's more of a demand than a request.

"Don't." I hear how panicked I sound. "I don't know what you think you know, but there's really nothing to tell."

Brayden hesitates, and I hope, somewhere deep inside he loves me enough to drop it. I will him to say he made a terrible mistake coming and how sorry he is for the misunderstanding. Instead he stuffs his hands in his pockets.

"Kenzie is pregnant." I feel the color drain from my face. "She's pregnant and she's planning to get rid of it." His eyes fall to the ground, when they meet mine again, they're sad, pained.

My father's shocked face turns to me. "Mackenzie, is he right? Is that what this is all about? You're
pregnant
?"

Tears stream from my eyes. "Why, Brayden? Why did you do this?"

"Because it's my baby, too."

The only sounds heard are the sobs escaping my body. Otherwise the room is silent. "Please, Kenzie, don't kill my baby."

"She wouldn't," my mother chimes in.

"Yes, she would. That's why she hasn't told you."

"Let's give them a few minutes alone," Jessica says as she pulls my stunned father away.

I sit on the top step of the bottom landing and hug my arms around me.

"How do you know?"

Brayden pulls the sonogram picture out of his pocket, and hands it to me before he sits down, careful not to touch me in anyway. "Don't try to give me any bull that it's not mine, the dates match."

"You know I wouldn't do that. But how did you get this? It was in my purse."

He shrugs. "I guess it fell out. Scott called me over when he found it."

"Scott knows?"

He nods.

"Great. Then everyone knows."

"So? You think you're the first girl this ever happened to? What's the big deal?"

"The big deal is . . . If you don't know why it's a big deal then you don't know me at all. He hates me. By tomorrow, everyone will know."

"Fine. So they know. It's not like we met at a club or like we had a one-night stand. I'll take full responsibility for it. And once the baby is born . . ."

"Do you hear how ridiculous you're being? Once it's born what? What can you do? You'll be away at school?"

"I'll be home by then," he points to the date on the sonogram image. "And if you're so dead set against it, I'll raise it myself." I hear the anger in his voice. "I'll transfer schools so I can live at home, and my mother will take care of it while I work."

"I don't want you to transfer because of me. And school will be impossible with a baby pooping and crying all hours of the day and night."

"It won't be because of you," he snaps. "It's because this is what
I
want. I'll find a way to figure it out."

"It won't work, and I won't let you ruin your life because of it."

"What I do with my life doesn't concern you. You've made that perfectly clear. And it's my choice to make, not yours."

"Look, I know you hate me, but if you take a minute to think about it, you'll know I'm right. I've had more time to deal with this . . ."

"I have thought about it." He snaps in a raised voice. "That whole first month I thought of nothing else. I ran all kinds of scenarios through my head, everything but not having it."

"Then why did you cut me off?"

"There's only so many times you bang your head against a wall before you realize it hurts and you stop doing it. But it doesn't mean I forgot one minute of what lead up to that point."

"What are you saying?"

He stares, his eyes hold mine unyielding. For that moment we're connected, and I know his love for me is still there, behind the hurt and anger.

"Why did you come today?"

I shrug. "I don't know."

"Come on, I need you to be honest. It's just you and me right now. Tell me the truth. If you already have your mind made up, if you're so sure you're right, why did you come looking for me today?"

I can't answer.

"Was I right? Is it just because I'm with someone else?"

"Wow, you must really see me as a cold hearted bitch."

He shakes his head, "I don't know what to think. But if this wasn't about getting between Alana and me, then why didn't you tell me when you first found out?"

"How? You blocked my calls and texts. My emails bounced back. What more could I have done?"

"For starters, I didn't block your calls or texts, only your email." He pulls his phone out of his pocket, and plays with it before handing it over so I could scroll through the messages I sent him. "I just didn't respond. I wanted to see if you would keep trying, but after the second text, you gave up. That's all I meant to you, two lousy texts. And they came the week after the dance, I knew you couldn't possibly know anything yet."

"Why didn't you answer me?"

"Do you realize, it was the first time since August that you reached out to me. Before that it was always me holding on too tight to you. Maybe it felt good to feel like you gave a shit, like the year we were together wasn't just a meaningless waste of time to you. And if nothing else worked, you could've come and told me face to face when I was home for Thanksgiving."

"I tried. That's why I came to your house, but you never bothered to call me back." I turn away from him. "It doesn't matter anyway. Do us both a favor and just forget about it. Forget me. Forget that it ever happened."

He reaches his hand out and cups my cheek. I turn my face back towards his. "This isn't something I can
just forget
," he pauses. "What do you mean you came to my house?"

"You weren't home. Dean answered the door, but then you're mother  told me on no uncertain terms to stay away from you."

"Dean would've said something."

I shrug. "You told him not to let me in if I showed up. I guess that and your mother pressuring him not to worked."

Brayden pulls his phone from his pocket.

"What are you doing?"

"Calling my brother."

I sit quietly and wait, my body trembles as I listen, wondering if Dean will tell the truth.

There's something menacing in Brayden's tone. "I need you to tell me something right now, and so help me if I find out you're lying, I will kick your ass until it's so mangled and bruised you won't recognize it. Has Kenzie been to the house looking for me at all since we broke up?"

Pause.

"When?"

Another pause. This time Brayden's hand reaches over and rests on my arm, a well of emotion in his eyes. "You dumb ass! I can't believe you didn't tell me! You better run when I get home." Brayden ends the call and rubs his forehead, "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

I nod.

"I figured you would've known by then. When I didn't hear from you I thought everything was fine and you were just being stubborn." I don't answer. "Mackenzie, I'll ask again. If you thought this all through and you don't want this baby, why did you come looking for me today?"

"I don't know."

"I don't believe you. I think deep down you wanted me to know because you want to keep it. I think if you were so against it, you would've taken care of it already."

"You promised it would be okay, and it's been anything but. I've been a mess. A total and complete wreck. And Jessica convinced me to tell you. She said you had a right to know. That you'd want to know."

"I do. I'm glad you listened. I just wish I handled it differently, that I would've let you tell me sooner." He looks down, then back at me. "Mackenzie, please. You can't abort it."

"It'll ruin our lives."

"No. It won't. I promise." He takes hold of my hand in both of his. "This baby was conceived out of love. We loved each other then. I
still
love you. It's not a mistake. You can't just get rid of it and pretend it never happened."

"Why not?"

My parents and Jessica come out of the kitchen. My father won't look at me. He keeps his gaze fixed on Brayden instead.

"I gave you time to talk, now we need to figure this out as a family."

Chapter 13

Family Ties

The five of us sit around the kitchen table. Jessica is to the right of me, Brayden to my left. I can't believe this is actually happening. There is so much more I want to say to Brayden, but those are things that need to be said in private.

  "I don't know what has me more disappointed, the fact the you were so irresponsible," my father looks at Brayden and me, "or your part in this," he turns to Jessica.

"Sir, we weren't irresponsible."

"Is she pregnant?"

Brayden nods.

"Then you were irresponsible."

"Why don't we stop pointing fingers and name calling, it's not going to get us anywhere," my mother interrupts.

"I haven't even begun to point fingers," my father shouts pointing at Jess, "I blame you. This is your influence on her."

"You're kidding me, right?"

"Oh, no. I'm not kidding. She was a good girl until you exposed her . . ."

"Dad! Stop it. How can you blame Jess? She had nothing to do with this."

"It's fine, Kenzie, nothing I'm not used to."

"It's
not
fine." I have to stand up for her. How could my father brow beat her because
I'm
pregnant? It doesn't make any sense.

"I can't believe I'm even going to ask this, but are you sure it's his?"

"Patrick! What is wrong with you?"

"Look, Eileen, we have to face facts, and the fact is we didn't even know she was having sex, so who knows how many guys she's been with."

I feel my face flush with the heat of shame. My eyes burn with tears I refuse to cry. I want to wither away and disappear. How could my father think of me like that? How can he say that to me? Does he really think I sleep around?

"Mr. Green, it's mine. I know it's mine. Kenzie has never been with anyone else," he swallows waiting for my father's reaction.

"How can you be sure? I thought you two broke up."

"We did. But I know." Brayden looks at me, his eyes full of love. In that moment it feels like we've travelled back in time. Back to the summer when everything was good and solid between us. "We didn't break up to see other people. I'd know if she'd been with anyone else."

"And what about you? Do you have any other illegitimate children we should be aware of?"

"Dad!"     

"These are important questions, Mackenzie."

"Why? What do they have to do with my situation?"

Was this the reason Jessica ran away to be with Mike? Was he always this insane when it came to her life?

"How far along are you?" My mother asks, bringing reason back to the conversation.

"Almost three months."

She shakes her head, "How did I miss this?"

Brayden leans back, stretching his arm around the back of my chair, but not around me. "I think the more important question is where do we go from here. I don't know what you're thinking, but I want the baby. If you're all opposed to it, I'll raise it on my own."

I don't miss how his eyes challenge me.

"That would mean Mackenzie would have to carry it to term."

"I know."

I think I feel his fingertip stroke my back at the neckline of my shirt, but it's such a subtle touch I'm not sure.

"Look, you want to know where I stand?" Brayden looks at my parents and then at me. "I love you, and I will cherish our child."

I blanch upon hearing the word, "child."

My arms cross over my stomach. I'm not sure if it's to hug my belly or to hide it.

"A baby is a lot of responsibility," my mother says, eyeing Brayden.

"I know. Look, this isn't how I would've drawn it out, but it happened. It's an unintended consequence, but still a consequence. I'm trying to do the responsible thing. The right thing."

"Why? Why is it so important to you to give up your dreams and have this baby?"

I have to ask. I don't understand. I don't get it at all.

"My dream was never to go pro. You know that. You know I hate how people act towards me because of what they think will happen."

"There's more to it. I know you too well, and I can see that there's something you're not telling me."

I think I see a flash of fear in his eyes. Did something like this happen to him before? Was he trying to shield me from a pain he shared with another girl? As far as I know I'm his first serious relationship. Not that you need to be serious to have sex, but he said he was only with two girls before me and he didn't love either of them. He wouldn't be so upset if this happened to one of them would he?

Brayden shifts in his seat. "Isn't it enough to know that I love you? That I want to do this together?"

"A few minutes ago you were willing to do it all on your own, now you're willing to do it together."

Brayden looks scared, shaken. He reaches in his pocket and pulls his phone out. "I'm sorry, I have to take this."

By the guilt streaming out of his eyes I know who it is. Alana. My heart aches thinking of it. Here he is sitting next to me, telling me how much he wants me to have his baby one minute, and then he runs off to take her call the next. "Just go home. Leave."

"I'm not leaving. I just need a minute." He squeezes my shoulder, his stare penetrating mine. "You're not getting rid of me. Not this time."

He steps out of the kitchen, leaving me alone with my sister and my parents. It was easier facing them when he was next to me. With my elbows on the table, I bury my face in my hands.

"Honey, he's right," my mother says. "This isn't something that will just go away. It's not something you're going to forget about."

I look up at her. It's nice to know where she stands. I allow my eyes to stray over to my father. All I get from him is silence, paired with his look of disappointment. I bury my head and don't say another word until Brayden returns.

Still holding my forehead in my hand I turn to him. "Won't having a kid put a crimp in your dating life?"

"That's up to you."

Is he serious? "I don't even want this baby and you expect me to just sit at home with it while you're out . . ."

"I want you to marry me," he says sliding into the chair next to me. "Marry me and you, me, and the baby will be a family. Marry me and we can do this together. Maybe we didn't plan it this way, but it happened, and I have to believe it happened for a reason. If we're married you can qualify for financial aid and . . ."

"You're delusional. There's no more school if we have it, there won't be time."

"I don't know if your mother will be able to help take care of it while you're at school, but if she can't, I know mine will." His words are slow and deliberate, his eyes fearful, as if he's about to reveal something.

"You can't possibly know how your mother will react."

"I have a pretty good idea." He stops speaking, takes my hand in his and squeezes.

"She'll help because it's what her mother did for her." My heart picks up speed and my eyes narrow.

Brayden leans forward in his seat, his grip on my hand tightens, his stare deepens, as if we're the only ones in the room. I watch the rise and fall of his chest as he continues.

"Mackenzie, if you say this baby is a mistake, you're saying I was a mistake. If our baby doesn't deserve to live, you're saying neither do I."

My eyes glass over. Like a sledgehammer hit me on the head, it all comes together and makes sense. Now I understand why he was so hurt and angry in his dorm room. I understand how callous and mean I was.  "No. That's not what I'm saying at all." I squeeze his hand.

"Yes. You are." I hear so much emotion in his voice, I think for a moment he might cry.

"Don't ever say that. You're the best thing that ever happened to me."

He shakes his head. "No, I'm not. And if it wasn't for me, you . . .
we
wouldn't be in this mess. But Kenzie, I'm not about to run away, or leave you to deal with it on your own. I'm here. If you want me."

He said it. It’s the only thing I want to hear and he finally said it. I can't hold back the tears. I let them flow freely down my face. I throw my arms around him and hold him tight as I cry into his shoulder. "Of course I want you. I always wanted you."

I feel Brayden exhale as he pulls me closer to him. "I'm so sorry," he whispers. "I'm so, so sorry."

*

My father gets up and moves away from the table. He doesn't say much, he just shakes his head and leaves the room.

"He'll come around," Brayden whispers as he kisses the side of my head.

"I don't know. Brayden, are you sure this is what you want? People will talk, they'll be whispering behind our backs."

He snickers. "Baby, they'll be saying shit to our faces, too. But this is the right thing."

"Mom, you haven't said much. What do you think?"

"No matter what you decide, I don't think it will be easy. But based on the relationship you had, and still have, I do believe it's a decision you should make together. And he's right honey, your father and I will do anything we can to help you."

"Dad can't even look at me."

"Give him a chance. You just hit him with news that's going to change his life as well as yours. And now he has to deal with the fact that you're not his little baby anymore."

Before I can respond and insist that I'm not one hundred percent sure I could go through with keeping the baby, Jess changes the direction of the conversation.

"Does this mean you're officially back together?" she gloats.

I feel a familiar flopping around inside my stomach. Usually it only happens after I eat. Unsure if the sudden surge of nausea is caused by the thing growing inside me or the anxiety of Brayden's answer, I don't know if I'll be able to hold back long enough to hear it. He says he wants to marry me, but still, the question itself brings me back to a place I don't want to go, to a place that threatens any chance I have of being happy, Alana.

Brayden turns from Jessica to me, "I never wanted to be apart."

"How do you and I fit in with you and your girlfriend?"

"Girlfriend?" My mother's face goes pale. "I didn't realize you were involved with someone else."

His hand once again tightens around mine. "I'll break up with her tonight." He looks at my mother. "Mrs. Green, I'm sorry, but Kenzie kept pushing me away, she kept telling me it was better this way. If I knew . . ."

"He's right. I have no right to be upset. We broke up months ago." I hope I sound more convincing than I feel.

"Were you with this other girl when you and Mackenzie . . ." She closed her eyes searching for the words.

"No. I wouldn't ever do that to Kenzie."

"You say that now. What about when I'm fat and look like a whale?"

"You're beautiful. You'll grow more beautiful with every passing day just the way you have since the day I met you."

"See," Jess says, her eyebrows raised. "I was right."

"Thank you, for convincing her to tell me."

"You did?" My mother's eyes open wide, her eyebrows shoot up, almost to her hair line. Hearing I'm pregnant, don't want to keep it, and that Brayden has a girlfriend, doesn't seem to faze her half as much as Brayden's thank you to Jessica.

"Listen, I'm sorry, but I need to go. There are things I need to take care of."

"Like Alana." Ooh is she a sore spot for me!

He nods. "Like Alana." He pauses, looking nervous again, "And my parents."

"Do you want me to go with you when you tell them?"

Brayden shakes his head, "I think it will be better if I tell them alone. I just want to get to them before anyone else does." He hesitates again, "Do you think you can drive me back to the field? I was so upset, I ran here. I need to pick up my car."

"Sure."

I have the feeling he wants to talk more. At least this way we can do it with a semblance of privacy.

Even though I'm looking forward to the alone time, I feel a wave of sadness wash over me as we walk to my car. We've been apart for so long, I hate that he'll be away from me, I just want him to hold me and convince me no matter what, its going to be alright. Instead, I’m driving him to go rendezvous with, "the other woman." I'm not liking this at all.

"You're very quiet," he says as we pull away from my house.

"Just thinking."

"I'm sorry. This is everything you tried to avoid, and now you have to deal with it head on. I let you down."

"You didn't let me down. I did. I let fear control me. I can't do that anymore, I just have to face it all."

"If it helps, you don't have to do it alone."

"Thank you for standing up to my father for me. I'm sure he's not the only one that's going to assume I was sleeping around."

He puts his hand on my shoulder. "No problem." His breaths are deeper, longer. "I know you probably feel like I'm pressuring you, I don't mean to. And I know I can't force you to keep it."