Reckless Radiance (20 page)

***

His eyes opened and locked on the ceiling. He noticed the sunlight seeping through the curtains and the smell of a pot of freshly brewed coffee beyond the door to the bedroom he had begun to call his own. He sat up slowly and ran his hands through his hair. He’d barely slept though he didn’t really need it anyhow. Running on empty was something he‘d become accustomed to in the months he spent looking for Valerie. Days used to pass before he realized he hadn’t laid his head down for even a second.

He grabbed a shirt from the only drawer in the dresser he’d put anything in and tugged it over his head. His hand was on the door handle when he stopped, hearing her raised voice on the other side of the door.

“What?” she exclaimed.

“Don’t look at me, kiddo. I figured he told you that when he showed you the floor plan. I told him it would take some time before I had the money for that kind of project and the next day he handed me a stack of cash. I’m as surprised as you are. Didn’t know the man had a job, let alone that kind of money sittin’ around. He was kind of vague about his business. It’s not illegal is it?” George asked. Russell backed away from the door but leaned his ear a bit closer to hear her response.

“Of course not, Dad! Why did you take it? Why didn’t either of you tell me about this sooner?” He could hear the frustration in her voice and he pictured her pacing back and forth in the kitchen. Her mother’s voice chimed in.

“Valerie, I think he’s trying to be nice. What’s going on between you two anyway? A man doesn’t just spend that kind of money out of the blue. Where did he even get it?”

Russell felt a dull churning begin in his abdomen. He hated that stressful feeling. The bitterness he tasted in his mouth when he felt the dreaded emotion of anxiety was incredibly unpleasant.

Valerie and her mother exchanged a few hushed words that he couldn’t quite make out but it finally built into a crescendo with her mother’s chirping. “All right, all right!”

“What’s the problem with this, Val? I thought you’d be thrilled to have a space of your own,” her father said.

Russell heard Valerie pause. He wondered if she was sighing or rolling her eyes. “I just don’t know if I want to live here. What if I want to go back to Somerset? What if I want to go somewhere else?”

There it was. He knew it. Despite how happy she’d seemed back in her home, he knew her instinct was to move on again.

“When Russ gave me that money, he refused to take it back. Whether anybody in this family lives up there or not, I’m still renovating. We can rent it out for all I care. The crew is gonna start next week and that’s that,” George said with a firm voice.

“I’ll live in it!” Justin said gleefully.

Russell’s shoulders slumped and he reached for the door handle again just as it flew open causing him to take a step back. Valerie stared at him with a tight jaw and even tighter eyes. He let go of a sigh and made room for her to walk inside. She shut the door behind her and crossed her arms over her chest still staring at him blankly.

Her eyes made the sick feeling in his digestive system worsen. He didn’t want to upset her. The gift hadn’t been chauvinistic in any way.  It wasn’t even presumptuous. It was hopeful.

“Why did you do that?” she asked almost on cue.

“Because until they call me back, I have access to their money and I wanted to give it to your father while I still could.” Although it was true, he could see in her eyes she wasn’t satisfied by it. “Why did you say you might leave?” he asked before she could prod him for a better answer. She turned her eyes from him and he wished he could make her look at him.

He stared at her turned cheek and let the worry in his brow soften. “Don’t run,” he started. She sucked in a breath. “Not because of your parents or Justin or me. Just don’t run—for yourself. You have more strength than you admit. You deny yourself. Even in Somerset, with Henry…you were just playing a part. You had to have known somewhere deep down you were so much stronger than that. A weak woman would not care for her dying young husband day in and day out without shedding a tear in front of him. A weak woman would not get in a car with a dead body in the trunk and stop to take a look. A weak woman would not spend hours restraining her desire just for the safety of a
friend
,” he finished with a soft laugh. He scrubbed at his jaw roughly. He’d been holding on to those words for so long it felt freeing to share them with her.

She turned her eyes from him and he worried he’d said too much. Maybe he’d done too much. He hoped his words would convince her.

“What I do after you leave isn’t any of your concern,” she said to the floor.

“It is my concern if it means I can’t find you when I find a way to come back!” The power behind his voice shocked him and clearly startled Valerie as she jumped and let her wide eyes settle on his face.

He knew it was a long shot and that his fate had probably long been decided but a part of him was still holding on to hope that they’d take pity on him. That the Creator would understand that Russell had lost his angelic soul in exchange for a man’s. That the Creator would understand what love meant to a man. He watched as sadness flickered in Valerie’s stare.

“Do you actually think that could happen?” she whispered.

Russell stepped to her boldly and peered down into her eyes. He saw so much in her eyes. Care and trepidation. If only she could put aside her fear and admit she felt the same way for him he felt about her.

“I do not know what will happen. But I know I will not go quietly through The Gates,” he sighed and inched closer to her. He was dangerously close and let his hand reach out to her hip. His breath was pulsing against her the corner of her mouth when he said his vow. “And the realm will be sorry it ever tried to keep me from you.”

Valerie popped up on her toes impulsively at his amorous pledge and crushed her lips against his. Her hands slid around to grip the back of his neck and hold him to her. Russell groaned and pulled back just enough to catch a breath before he foolishly let his lips trail down her jaw to the soft hollow of her throat.

A quick knock on the door sent Russell invisible for a split second and he took form again a few feet away from Valerie. Her eyes were saucers when she realized what he’d done in the amount of time that was too fast for her to even recognize. It must have looked to her like a flash or a skipping video. The door opened a crack and her father peeked in with a curious look. He looked Russell up and down then turned to his daughter with a teasing smirk.

“You two sort everything out?” he asked with a knowing grin.

Valerie rolled her eyes at him and folded her arms in front of her again. “What do you want, Dad?”

“Why don’t you come with me to the hardware store? Maybe looking at pretty tile and paint swatches will warm you to the idea of a place all to yourself,” he said, looking at his daughter. Valerie glanced at Russell as if to ask him if it was all right. He nodded as he had every time she gave him that look. It was her way of asking if he heard bells and his answer was always a quick nod telling her he wasn’t going anywhere.

She turned to her father and forced a smile. “I’ll meet you in the car.”

Her father nodded and chuckled under his breath before turning and leaving them alone once again. Valerie let her eyes settle on Russell. He’d long wished he had the ability to read her thoughts but he supposed that was every other man’s wish as well when it came to the person they cared for. He didn’t like the emotional hurricane swirling between them since their night in the barn. He knew he had plenty to learn about being a human but he had a feeling he wouldn’t ever truly understand Valerie even if he were given the chance.

“I guess I should go.” Her voice came out as a low whisper. Russell took the steps to meet her again but she turned for the door. His hand instinctively reached out to her and grasped her hand.

“Wait,” he begged.

He felt her take a breath avoiding his stare for a beat before meeting his eyes meaningfully. The wrinkle that seemed to constantly find its way back to his brow reappeared.

“That kiss felt like goodbye. Why? This isn’t over.”

He watched as she sighed and pulled on her bottom lip with her teeth anxiously. She gave him a look of defeat. He couldn’t read her. It felt like she was doing everything but open the door and point him out.

He’d been wondering what she wanted for days and something inside of him told him she wanted him to go. If she wouldn’t run maybe she wanted him gone instead. Her silence cut him and he felt the thrill in his chest turn to pain. His heart felt gripped by strong claws and his breath seemed to be stolen from him in the instant she lowered her face in shame. Her hand flicked out and pushed the door closed.

“I don’t know, Russell. If we can’t stop what’s coming what’s the point of holding on?”

He didn’t recognize the feelings that raced through him and his mouth worked faster than his mind. “Oh. I understand now. Your feet may be planted on the ground, but you’re still running.” As the statement hung in the air between them, his stomach turned. “I watched you dig within yourself and tap into your soul for vigor and determination in the past. I’d never seen a human have such conviction when all the odds were against her. You astounded me. Where is
she
? Where is the woman I fell in love with?” he asked. He watched in pain as her eyes brimmed with tears and her chin began to tremble. She jumped at the sound of a car horn outside. Her father was waiting on her. As a few tears slipped down her cheek, she brushed them away but didn’t say a word to Russell. She opened the door with a deep breath and walked away from him turning back just once. It looked like she had something to say but he didn’t have the faintest idea what it could be. No matter what words were sitting in her mind, her lack of response, her silence, was worse. He wanted to take back what he’d said. He wanted to chase after her and ease the pain he saw in her eyes.

She was out of his sight and all that remained swirling through his head was the distance noise of the slamming side-door. And soon a different noise began.

Chapter Thirty

Her father didn’t say a word as Valerie stayed quiet on the ride to the hardware store. A few more tears rolled down her cheek and she was quick to catch them but she couldn’t stop herself from sniffing. But her dad didn’t ask. He wasn’t the prying type. She imagined he was worried but she was thankful that he could never understand just how serious it was. If only he knew his barn had been stormed by the angel police and the money he was about to use to buy tile for his new project had essentially appeared out of thin air. Even if she told him, he wouldn’t believe her.

The smell of sawdust and latex paint flooded her senses as they walked into the starkly lit, warehouse-like building. Her father started prattling on about what the remodel was going to be like. The crew was coming next week to put up the walls and connect the plumbing. He had a list of things they needed and he didn’t ask her before they started looking at toilets and pedestal sinks. Valerie felt herself spacing out, her mind wandering as he went on about why one brand was better than the other.

What if Russell was gone by the time she got back? She’d been worrying about him suddenly going missing for days but this was different. She didn’t know what she’d been thinking walking away from him like that. Her head was at odds with her heart and she couldn’t make up her mind about a damn thing when it came to Russell. One minute she was ready to fall in love with him and the next she was ready to catch the first bus out of state. Then he had to go and tell her he’d bring a fight to heaven to defend what he felt for her. When she pressed her lips to his, she hadn’t truly meant it as goodbye. She never wanted to say goodbye. The hot and cold that had been ruling her brain for the past two days was getting old but she had no idea how to slow it down. She didn’t know how to tell him she wasn’t strong enough to handle him leaving. Russell believed in her but she didn’t feel strong enough for any of it.

“What do you think, Val?” her dad said, pointing to the pristine white contemporary sink. It was pretty and modern, not like the shabby chic overly feminine guest bathroom in her parent’s home. She forced a smile and nodded.

“I’m going to go get paint swatches,” she said, turning on her heels.

With a rainbow of chipboards in front of her, Valerie starting grabbing at the strips of paper thinking they’d make good bookmarks. She was pulling at pale purples and light grays, taupe and a swatch of barely indistinguishable shades of cream. She flipped the colors in her hands and suddenly felt the threat of tears stinging her eyes again. She and Russell would never have the chance to do anything as simple as pick out paint together. If only he’d shown her his plan earlier, she might’ve been able to feel excited about it for a moment. She could’ve lived at home with Russell at her side.

Valerie’s dad came up behind her and she felt his eyes on her before he cleared his throat. Turning, she saw him and hoped he didn’t notice her red eyes but the sad smile he gave her told her he had.

“You wanna head home?” he asked gently.

Valerie nodded and followed her father in a daze as he paid for a gallon of primer and a few others things he’d picked up. When she closed herself in the car, her stomach knotted, praying Russell would still be there when they arrived home. All the deep breaths she took couldn’t settle her nerves.

“Dad,” she started. Her father turned to her from the drivers’ seat and waited. Valerie looked at her hands and twisted and pulled at her fingers. “Do you think I’m selfish?”

She heard him sigh heavily next to her but she couldn’t look at him. “I’m guessing this is about Russell,” he said. Valerie shrugged and her head wobbled a bit in attempt to answer.

“Honey, I think you’ve been putting bricks up around yourself for a long time because that’s the only way you’ve been able to go on. But when you care about someone, you’ve gotta let them help you take the bricks away. Having walls ain’t selfish but acting like you can have a relationship without tearing some of them down sure is.”