Reason to Breathe (5 page)

“That was direct,” I accused. He smiled,
causing my heart to attempt another escape from my chest.

“Well…” he pushed.

“Because I’m not sure I like you,” I blurted
without thought. He looked at me with that devious, amused grin.
What kind of reaction was that?! I couldn’t stay in the confined
space with him any longer. I turned abruptly and walked out of the
room.

Concentration evaded me for the remainder of
class, leaving my art piece unfinished. Evan left to take pictures
of whatever he took pictures of, but his presence lingered. This
class was supposed to be my sanctuary, and leave it to Evan to turn
it upside down.

Sara noticed my agitation when we were
switching books at our lockers.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Evan Mathews is in my Art class,” I
fumed.

“And…” Sara looked confused, waiting for me
to continue.

I shook my head, unable to find the words to
explain how disruptive he was to my predictable day. As much as
Sara understood me, I wasn’t ready to talk about it. My blood was
still surging; I was having difficulty collecting my thoughts.

“I’ll talk to you later,” I said in a rush
and walked away. I couldn’t make sense of what was happening to me.
I survived by keeping my emotions in check – by maintaining my
composure and tucking it all away. I managed to stay under the
radar, skating through school without anyone truly remembering I
was here. My teachers acknowledged my academic successes and my
coaches depended upon my athletic abilities, but I wasn’t important
enough to make a recognizable social contribution. I was easily
forgettable. That’s what I counted on.

There were times when people tried to
befriend me by talking to me or inviting me to a party, but that
didn’t last long. Once it was obvious I wouldn’t accept the
invitations, or provide more than one or two word answers, I wasn’t
interesting enough to acknowledge any longer - making my life
easier.

Sara was the only one who stuck by me when I
first moved here four years ago. After six months of Sara
persistently inviting me over, Carol finally said yes. She wanted
to go shopping with a friend and didn’t want to bring me along, so
the invitation was convenient for her. That serendipitous moment
sealed our friendship. I’ve been permitted to go to Sara’s on
occasion, and I got to sleep over on rare occasions when it suited
Carols’ social schedule. It helped that Sara’s father was a local
judge, so Carol relished the prestige through affiliation.

Last summer I was even allowed to go to Maine
with Sara and her family for a week. It coincided with a camping
trip George and Carol had planned with the kids. When Sara’s
parents invited me, they made it sound like they were inviting the
entire soccer team and were obligated to include me, which made it
easier for Carol to agree. I ended up paying for it when I returned
home – I guess I wasn’t grateful enough.

But the bruises couldn’t take away the best
week of my life. It was during that week I met Jeff Mercer. Jeff
was a lifeguard at the beach that was walking distance from the
lodge. His family owned a summer house on the lake, so he stayed
for the season and worked as a lifeguard.

For two days, we went to the beach and
drooled over him. After his shift on the second day, he invited
Sara and me to a bon fire party at a private beach.

When Jeff introduced us to his friends, I
lied and said I was Sara’s cousin from Minnesota. That lie
developed into a more elaborate story that Sara and I
pre-fabricated before the party. My false life revealed itself
comfortably, allowing me to be anyone I wanted and no one knew the
difference. I didn’t have to be invisible, because I really didn’t
exist.

Swept up in my story, I allowed Jeff to get
close to me. I was able to talk and laugh with ease. Jeff and I
ended up having a lot in common - he played soccer and we listened
to a lot of the same music. He was an easy person to like.

At the end of the night, while everyone was
sitting around the fire either coupled off, or involved in
conversations, Jeff sat next to me on the sand, leaning against a
large log, intended to be a bench. In the midst of the calming
mood, with the sounds of a few guys playing guitar in the
background, he put his arm around me, and I leaned against him.
Being against him was oddly comfortable considering this was the
closest I’d ever been to a guy.

We talked and listened to the music. He
shifted his body to face me and casually leaned down to kiss me. I
remember not breathing for a minute, paralyzed with fear that it
was obvious I hadn’t kissed anyone before. He was gentle as his
soft, thin lips touched mine.

It wasn’t easy saying good-bye, with false
promises of emailing; but it wasn’t hard either. Not for Emma
Thomas from Weslyn, Connecticut – the overachieving, self-contained
shadow who roamed the halls of Weslyn High. It wasn’t hard because
that girl didn’t truly exist to Jeff.

That’s what was bothering so much about Evan
Mathews. He knew I existed. He was determined to pull me out from
the shadows, and I couldn’t get away from him. He wasn’t deterred
by my one word answers or abrupt responses. He wasn’t supposed to
be paying attention to me, and I was trying, without success, to
ignore him. But he was getting to me, and I think he knew it – and
it seemed to amuse him.

I took a deep breath before entering my A.P.
European History class, prepared to see him as I walked in the
room. He wasn’t there. I looked around in surprise and felt my
heart sink. That was another problem. My heart was beating,
stopping and sinking like it had a mind of its own, not to mention
the absurd flushing that was overtaking my face. I was beyond
annoyed!

Evan wasn’t in my Chemistry class either.
Maybe he wouldn’t be everywhere as I feared. Distracted with
retrieving my homework assignment during Trig, I tensed at the
sound of his voice, inciting the rapid beating in my chest.

“Hi.”

I continued opening my notebook for today’s
lesson, refusing to look at him.

“Not talking to me at all now, huh?”

Angered by his antagonism, I couldn’t contain
myself any longer. I turned to face him.

“Why do you want to talk to me?
What
could you possibly want to talk to me about?” I snapped.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise but
quickly replaced the look with his taunting, amused grin.

“And why do you keep looking at me like
that?!” My face flushed as I tightened my jaw.

Before Evan could answer, Mr. Kessler walked
in to begin class. I stared at my book and the front of the
classroom throughout the period. I could feel him looking over at
me every so often - it kept me on edge the entire class.

As I was gathering my books to head to
Anatomy, I heard him say behind me, “Because I think you’re
interesting.”

I slowly turned around, with my books
clutched firmly to my chest.

“You don’t even know me,” I replied
defiantly.

“I’m trying.”

“There are so many other people in this
school - you don’t have to know me.”

“But I want to,” he replied with a grin.

I walked out of the class, confused. He never
said what I thought he should. What was I supposed to say? I
started to panic.

“Can I walk with you to Anatomy?” I was too
distracted to realize that he’d followed me out of the room.

“You are not in my Anatomy class too, are
you?!” Seriously, the world was conspiring against me, along with
my rapidly beating heart. I tried to take a deep breath, but I
couldn’t fill my lungs.

“Didn’t notice me at all this week, huh?”
People stopped to look at us as we walked down the hall. I’m sure
their universe was getting tipped upside down too, to witness Emma
Thomas walking down the hall with another student, who was also a
guy – the same guy she made a scene with in the hall yesterday. Let
the gossip begin.

It didn’t take long to reach the classroom
due to my escaping pace. I stopped outside of Anatomy and turned to
face him. He peered down at me in anticipation.

“I get that you’re new, and I must seem
intriguing to you. But I assure you, I’m not that interesting. You
really don’t need to get to know me. I get good grades. I’m decent
at sports, and I keep myself busy. I like my privacy. I like my
space, and I like being left alone. That’s it. You can get to know
everyone else in this school who’s dying to know you. I’m not.
Sorry.”

He grinned.

“And stop looking at me like I’m entertaining
you. I’m not amused, so leave me alone.” I rushed into the
classroom. I thought I would feel better, relieved – but I didn’t.
Instead, I felt defeated.

I had no idea where Even sat during Anatomy,
but it wasn’t next to me. Actually, no one was sitting next to me.
The seat where Karen Stewart usually sat at my table was empty.
Karen was always lost during the lessons and constantly asked me
questions to try to keep up. Today, I finally had the silence I
kept pushing everyone away to get, but it wasn’t comforting.

By the time the bell rang at the end of the
day, I was over it. Knowing I was staying over at Sara’s and didn’t
have to return home helped – as did not seeing Evan again.

“Hi!” Sara greeted me as we gathered our
books from our lockers. “I feel like I haven’t seen you at all
today. How are you? You didn’t get to tell me…”

“Don’t mention it. Later, okay? I’m finally
feeling better and just want to have fun tonight, alright?” I
pleaded.

“Come on, Em. Don’t do this to me. I heard
you and Evan walked together to Anatomy. You
have to
tell me
what’s going on.”

I hesitated, not wanting to say anything
where we could be overheard. I scanned the halls, stalling to make
sure I wasn’t going to add to the already circulating gossip.

“He keeps trying to talk to me,” I explained
to Sara. I thought this might be enough, but Sara shrugged her
shoulders, waiting for me to continue.

“You were right yesterday. He told me he
thinks I’m
interesting
, whatever that means. Sara, he’s in
all of my classes, or at least it feels like it. I can’t get away
from him – he’s always
right there
.

“I finally told him that I wasn’t interesting
and to leave me alone. That’s what the walk to Anatomy was about. I
don’t get this guy.”

“Em, he’s interested in you. Why is that so
bad?” Sara asked, genuinely perplexed. I was surprised she didn’t
understand the problem.

“Sara, I can’t have anyone interested in me.
You’re my only friend for a reason.” Her eyes lowered, beginning to
understand my dilemma.

“I can’t go out. I don’t go to the movies.
Tonight will be the first and probably only party I’ll ever go to.
I don’t want to have to lie. And if anyone ever got close enough to
touch me…” I couldn’t finish the sentence. The thought of being
afraid to be touched because I might cringe in pain made me
shudder.

I wished I didn’t have to be so convincing,
but until I said it, Sara hadn’t put it together. For just a
moment, she saw the world through my eyes, and her sorrowed
expression made my chest tighten.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I should’ve
realized. So, I guess you shouldn’t talk to him.”

“It’s okay,” I assured her with a tight
smile. “I have six hundred seventy-two days left and then anyone
can find me interesting.”

She smiled back but not as big as usual.

The pity in Sara’s evasive eyes reflected the
patheticness of my life, it was hard to take. It was harder to
escape – literally.

I couldn’t remember a time when my life
wasn’t a disaster. I had images of a smiling child stored in shoe
boxes, but my father was usually included in the pictures. When he
was taken away, I was left with a mother who didn’t know how to be
one. So, I did everything I could to get by with as little parental
interaction as possible. If I was perfect, then there wasn’t
anything to regret, or distract her from the replacements she
sorted through, who would never live up to my father.

I was still too much – a burden. I hoped my
academic drive would help my aunt and uncle accept me as an
addition to their family. Unfortunately, the reception never warmed
beyond the frigid steps when I crossed the threshold four winters
ago. Guilt opened the door that night, and I couldn’t be perfect
enough to earn their forgiveness for what they never wanted. So,
I’ve mastered evasion and over-achievement. Neither as deftly as
I’d prefer, since Carol was right there to brand me with my lack of
worth at every opportunity.

4.
Change

Sara was
quiet when we drove away from school. I knew she was thinking, and
hoped that it had nothing to do with me. Of course it did.

“There’s a way around it, you know.”

I sighed, afraid to encourage this train of
thought.

“You don’t have to cut yourself off from
everyone to get through high school,” she continued. “We just have
to anticipate the questions and have answers ready. There are so
many guys who would love to ask you out, but have no idea how to
approach you. Em, we can figure this out.”

“Sara, you’re not making any sense. Besides
the obvious - I can’t go out.”

“What’s the obvious?”

“Honestly, who do you know who’s interested
in me? Be specific.”

“Evan already told you he found you
interesting,” she said with a grin. “Let’s start with him.”

“Let’s not,” I groaned.

“Oh! Did you hear that Haley Spencer asked
him to homecoming?” she exclaimed.

“Of course I didn’t. You’re my source of
gossip, remember?” Something in my chest twisted. “Isn’t homecoming
a month away - and she’s a senior – what’s that about?”

Sara examined me with narrowed eyes.
“Honestly? It’s only
three
weeks away. Anyway, I heard he
turned her down. I told you the senior girls were looking at him
too. But Emma, he’s into
you
.”