Reason to Breathe (9 page)

“Hi, Ryan.”

“I can’t believe you’re here!” he exclaimed,
throwing his arms around me in a tight embrace with alcohol rolling
off his breath. Great, he was drunk. I tensed, unable to react to
his breach of my personal space until he finally let go.

“Wow, this is so great,” he said with a
ridiculous smile on his face. “I was hoping to see you tonight. I
heard you were at the game. Do you want a drink?”

“Hey, Ryan.” I heard Evan say from behind me.
I turned toward him with a panicked expression, but he didn’t pick
up on it. Instead he handed me one of the cups he was holding.

“Evan!” Ryan hollered, in a volume too loud
for how close we were standing to him. He put his arm around me and
zealously pulled me toward him, making me spill my drink – he was
oblivious. “Evan, you know Emma Thomas, right? She is the coolest
person.” I gave Evan my wide eyed look of despair - he raised his
eyebrows, finally getting it.

“Yes, Ryan, I know Emma,” he said, grabbing
my hand, and pulling me carefully away from Ryan. “We actually came
here together.”

Ryan appeared confused and then shocked as he
released me. “You did? Oh, man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.”

“It’s okay,” Evan assured him. “We’re going
outside. We’ll see you later.” Evan turned toward the sliding doors
that led to the deck.

It was a little less crowded and definitely
quieter, leaving the music behind in the house. We found an empty
section of railing and leaned our backs against it, watching the
craziness inside.

“I’m sorry about that,” Evan finally said,
leaning on his forearm to face me. “I had no idea why you’d given
me that look. I didn’t know Ryan liked you.”

“Neither did I,” I confessed quietly. “Thanks
for getting me out of there. I’m way out of my comfort zone with
all of these people.”

“Really?” Evan shot me a teasing smile. “I
don’t think I noticed when you could barely force yourself through
the front door.”

“Okay, so I’m here for Sara,” I admitted with
a sigh. “She’s wanted to ask Jason Stark out since the beginning of
the year, and this was the perfect opportunity. I’m here for moral
support.”

“It looks like Sara’s doing just fine without
you.” Evan smirked. “I think you’re the one needing the
support.”

I scowled up at him with a mocking smile.
“Thanks a lot.”

“Mathews!” a male voice yelled from the door
exiting the house.

“Hi, Jake.” Evan greeted the voice with a
shake of his hand.

“It’s good to see you,” Jake stated. “No way,
is that Emma Thomas?” I smiled awkwardly and nodded.

“Wait, did you come here together?” he asked,
looking at Evan with a sly grin.

“I brought her here to meet up with Sara,”
Evan explained.

“Wow, I can’t believe you’re here.” Jake
shook his head while looking me over. “Can I get you something to
drink?”

I raised my cup. “Thanks, I’m all set.”

“Maybe I’ll see you inside, and I can refill
it for you,” he said, flashing his teeth. I froze, trying to
understand what was going on. I swore I was on a different planet.
And on this planet, people noticed me, and some noticed me too
much. I desperately wanted to be on the other side of the locked
door of the room at the front of the house.

“Did you guys see the fire pit they have
around the side of the house?”

“No,” Evan replied.

“It’s pretty cool, you should check it out,”
Jake encouraged. “I’ll see you later.” He winked at me before he
turned away. I stood there, stunned.

“Did he really just wink at me?” I asked,
completely astounded.

“I think he did,” Evan confirmed with a small
laugh.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” I
suddenly realized. “I’m so glad I’m finding more ways to entertain
you. This is horrifying for me. I don’t think you quite get
that.”

Evan looked at my distraught face,
straightening out his smile. “I’m sorry, you’re right. I can tell
you’re not enjoying this. Let’s go check out the fire pit; it’s
probably less crowded.”

“Evan, you don’t have to stay with me. You
should go in the house and meet people. It looks like the entire
junior and senior classes are here. I’ll be fine.” I tried to
assure him with one of my forced smiles. He looked at me
doubtingly. I really did have to work on faking it, didn’t I?

“How about this - I’ll walk down to the fire
pit with you, and then I’ll make a round inside the house before
coming back to check on you?”

“Okay,” I agreed reluctantly. As much as I
hated the thought of being alone at this party, I wasn’t going to
ruin Evan’s night by making him feel obligated to babysit me. I was
used to being invisible, and I could sink into the shadows again –
even on this planet.

The deck became more crowded as we moved
toward the stairs that led to the backyard. Evan grabbed my hand to
lead me through.

“Evan?!” an excited female voice exclaimed.
Although he was still holding my hand, we were cut off by a person
in-between us, so I couldn’t see the owner of the overly excited
voice. “I’ve been looking for you.”

I squeezed through in time to find Haley
Spencer with her arms flung around Evan’s neck, pulling him into
her well-developed body. One hand was holding me and the other was
holding his cup, so the embrace was not returned. An unwelcome heat
turned in my stomach. I quickly shook off the insecurity and
attempted to release his hand - but he held on tighter and pulled
me closer.

Haley stepped back, keeping her hands on the
back of his neck. “We were just going inside to get another drink.
Join us.” Her eyes met mine, then traced along my arm. Her eyes
tightened when she realized that my hand ended in his.

“Oh,” she said, quickly dropping her hands
from his neck. “I didn’t know you were here with someone.” She eyed
me up and down cynically.

“Sorry, Haley,” Evan said sympathetically,
“we were just heading down to the fire pit.” He pulled me a little
closer, wrapping his arm around me. My breathing stopped as I
remained immobilized by his side.

“I guess I’ll see you later then,” Haley
almost sulked. She flipped back her hair before strutting into the
house, followed by the two aghast girls who’d been standing next to
her.

Evan turned to face me, his hand still on my
back, drawing me in so we could talk as people squeezed by us. It
remained difficult to breathe while looking up at him, with my
heart continuing to pound through my sweater.

“Still want to go to the fire pit?”

I nodded with wide eyes.

As he turned to head down the stairs, I
missed his hand, and we were separated. In that brief second, I was
aggressively pulled in the opposite direction, with the
exclamation, "Emma Thomas! I heard you were here.” The tug dragged
me right into the large frame of Scott Kirkland.

“I can’t believe you came to my party. This
is the best night ever,” he declared in slurred speech. Perfect -
he wasn’t just drunk, he was obliterated.

“Thanks for having me, Scott.” I tried to
step back from his strangling embrace. “It’s a great party.”

He peered down at me with his half closed
eyes and breathed heavily in my face. “Would you go out with
me?”

“Um… that’s really nice of you.” I struggled
to find the words while pushing him away with a little more force.
“But…” The panic rose in my stomach and spread into my chest. I
started breathing faster as I remained trapped against him. I
needed to get away from him, but he didn’t show any signs of
releasing me.

“Hey, Scott,” Evan greeted Scott with an
overly emphatic pat on the back. “This is a great party.”

“Thanks, Evan,” he slurred. “Evan, this is
Emma Thomas.” Scott captured me against his body with one arm. I
had no idea he was so big, or strong, for that matter. I almost fit
entirely under his arm. I looked up at Evan in despair, trying to
squirm away - I wasn’t making much headway.

“Yeah, I know,” Evan began.

“Emma and I are going to go to homecoming
together,” Scott declared, interrupting Evan. “Right, Emma?”

I was finally able to back my way out from
under his arm. My face was bright red, and my hair clung to my
cheeks. He lifted his arm in confusion, searching for me.

Evan took my shaking hand and gently guided
me next to him. I tried to regain my breath, overcome with the
sudden need to sit down.

“Emma, I think Sara’s looking for you.” Evan
scanned my face in concern. “Scott, we’ll be right back.”

Before Scott could respond, Evan held my hand
tightly and led me down the stairs. My knees buckled slightly, but
I recovered and kept my feet moving beneath me. We went around the
corner, and I collapsed on the stone wall under the deck.

Evan crouched in front of me and looked up,
trying to meet my eyes. “Are you okay? That was crazy. I’m sorry I
lost you.”

I took a deep breath and tried to will my
hands to stop shaking. I couldn’t understand why I was so worked
up. Evan gingerly took my hands in his and looked at me intently,
trying to get me to focus on him. I stared straight ahead,
desperately needing to pull myself together. I barely noticed he
was there.

There was something about the crowd, the
smell of liquor rolling in the air swirled with cigarette smoke
that transported me to another place - a place I could barely
remember, but I had a feeling I didn’t want to return. There was no
space amongst the bodies. No space to breathe or move without being
touched and jostled. The confinement and groping created a storm
that erupted before I knew how to contain it. I shivered, not
wanting to remember what was beginning to stir.

“Emma, look at me,” he soothed. “Are you
okay?”

I found his blue eyes and began to focus. My
face became hot when I realized what I must have looked like to
him. I tried to stand up, and he backed up to give me space, but my
legs weren’t as ready as my mind. I wobbled - he caught me by my
elbows and pulled me into him to steady me.

I felt his breath against my face when he
peered down to examine me. “Maybe you should sit down again.” But
he didn’t move to let me go.

My pulse quickened with the warmth of his
body against me as my hands rested on the hard curves of his chest.
I looked up at him, but he was too close. I panicked and backed
away. He let me go easily.

We stood still for a second, until I finally
said without looking up at him, “I’m fine, really.” I was mortified
as my quivering body betrayed me. I must have appeared so
pathetic.

“This was probably not the best first party
for you,” Evan said gently. “Maybe you should try something with
about ten people before you jump to a hundred.”

I pressed my lips into a smile and shrugged.
He offered a warm smile in return.

“Do you want to leave?”

“No, you stay,” I encouraged, determined to
regain my composure. “I’m fine. I’m going to sit by the fire.”

We continued to walk around the corner, where
a cut stone patio lay next to the dark silhouette of trees along
the perimeter of the property. In the center sat a stone wall
encasing a blazing fire. There were two dozen chairs around the
fire, but only half were occupied. I sat down in a chair on the
opposite side of the small group, who were talking and giggling in
low voices.

“Evan,” I pleaded, “go have fun. I’ll wait
here for Sara. Thank you for bailing me out tonight, but I can take
care of myself. I swear.” His delving eyes tried to read my face,
making me wish I could disappear and erase the whole night. I
stared into the fire, unable to bare his silent inquisition.

“I’ll be right back,” he assured me. “I’ll
find Sara and get us something to drink, okay?” The careful tone of
his voice fueled my embarrassment. I still couldn’t look at him as
he walked toward the house. I couldn’t believe I let him see me
like this, unable to fend for myself. I fumed in disgust at my
vulnerability. I didn’t want Evan to think I needed protecting. I
pulled back my torment and let the numb blanket envelop me, pushing
away the stirred memories, the noise of the crowd, and the
trembling that still lay beneath the surface. I stared at the
flames licking at the darkness and everything was lost as I sank
deeper into nothingness.

“You know it’s raining, right?” Evan asked
from the seat next to me. I looked around, snapping back from my
empty place. I was the only one sitting in front of the dwindling
flames. A steady, cold rain pasted my hair to my face, causing me
to shiver. Evan stared at the few defiant flames that remained,
ignoring the rain while holding his black camera case.

“Are you going to stop talking to me?” Evan
asked quietly.

A smile spread across my face, turning my
head toward him. “No.” I started to laugh.

“What?!” he asked, surprised by my reaction.
A half-smile crept across his face as he tried to get the joke.

“I get accosted by a drunken bear and
completely freak out, humiliating myself, and you‘re afraid I’m not
going to talk to
you
?!” I laughed again.

Evan smiled lightly, still not getting the
humor in my explanation.

“Why were you humiliated?” Serious once
again.

I shrugged - hugging my knees into my chest,
trying to suppress the shivering. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to
explain my vulnerability to him. He waited patiently for me to find
the words. I took a deep breath.

“I saw the way you looked at me, and I know
how I must have come across, reacting like that.” I looked down. “I
hate that you keep seeing me at my worst. This really isn’t
me.”

“Emma!” Sara hollered from under the deck
before Evan could answer. “You’re crazy. Get out of the rain!”

I suddenly realized I was wearing Sara’s
cashmere sweater and jumped up to join her.

“Sara, I am so sorry. I completely forgot I
had your sweater on.”