Reason to Breathe (3 page)

“Seriously?” I interjected before I could
stop myself. I could feel fourteen pairs of eyes shifting toward
me. I even caught a couple of mouths dropping open out of the
corner of my eye. My gaze remained focused on the source of the
voice. I found the perplexed smoky eyes looking back at me.

“Let me get this straight,
you
want to
exploit the insecurities of a bunch of teenagers so that you can
write an article exposing their flaws? Don’t you think that’s a
little destructive? Besides, we try to write news in our paper. It
can be entertaining and witty – but it should always be news, not
gossip.” He raised his eyebrows in what appeared to be shock.

“That’s not exactly –” he began.

“Or are you planning to write an exposé on
how many girls want bigger breasts and the number of guys who want
bigger…” In my pause, I heard a few shocked inhales. “.. um,
muscles. Superficial and sleazy may work for tabloids, or maybe
that’s what you’re used to where you come from. But I give our
readers the benefit of assuming they have brains.” There were a few
muffled laughs. I didn’t flinch - I stared intently into the
unwavering blue eyes. There was a slight smirk on his face. Was he
amused by my verbal assault? I set my jaw in preparation for his
attack.

“I take my assignments seriously. I’m hoping
my research will uncover how much we all have in common, regardless
of our popularity or conceived attractiveness. I don’t think the
article will exploit anyone, but assure us that everyone has
insecurities about their appearances, even those who may be
considered perfect. I respect the confidentiality of my source, and
I understand the difference between a puff piece and actual news.”
His voice was calm and patient, and yet I thought it was
patronizing. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks.

“And you think you will get honest answers
out of people? They will really talk to
you
?” There was a
bite in my tone that I was not used to hearing, and by the silence
in the room, it was a surprise to everyone else as well.

“I have a way of getting people to open up
and trust me,” he said with a smile full of conceit and
narcissism.

Before I could rebut, Ms. Holt interrupted,
“Thank you, Evan.” She looked at me cautiously. “Emma, since you
seem to have reservations about this article, as the editor of the
paper, would you be willing to permit Mr. Mathews to write the
article, and then you can have the final say as to whether it makes
the cut?”

“I can agree to that,” I stated
methodically.

“Mr. Mathews, is that acceptable to you?”

“I’m comfortable with that. She is the
editor
.”

Oh, he was pompous, wasn’t he?! I couldn’t
stand to look at him any longer. I turned back to the computer.

“Great,” Ms. Holt replied with relief. Then
she directed her attention back to me. “Emma, are you just about
done with the computer? I’d like to begin today’s discussion.”

“I’m sending it now,” I confirmed without
looking back.

“Wonderful. Would everyone please open your
textbooks to page ninety-three, with the heading
Journalism
Ethics
?” Ms. Holt attempted to redirect the attention to the
front of the class. I took my seat next to Sara, feeling the
lingering stares of shock upon me. I kept my eyes glued to the
book, unable to concentrate.

“What was that about?” Sara whispered, just
as shocked. I shrugged, not looking over at her.

After what felt like the longest fifty
minutes, Journalism was finally over. When we were released into
the hall, I couldn’t hold back any longer. “Who does he think he
is? How completely arrogant can a person be?!”

Sara stopped when we rounded the corner,
heading to our lockers. She gawked at me like she didn’t recognize
me. Not acknowledging her confounded stare, I went on, “
Who
is he anyway?”

“Evan Mathews,” his voice said from behind
me.

My back tensed, and I stared at Sara,
mortified. I slowly turned toward the voice with a reddened face. I
couldn’t say anything. How much had he heard?

“I hope I didn’t upset you too much by
suggesting the article. I wasn’t trying to offend you.”

It took me a minute to compose myself. Sara
stood beside me, unwilling to miss out on the front row seat of our
confrontation.

“I wasn’t offended. I’m just looking out for
the integrity of the paper.” I tried to sound aloof, as if the
interaction in class hadn’t bothered me.

“I understand. That’s your job.” He actually
sounded sincere, or was he patronizing me again?

I changed the subject. “Today your first
day?”

“No,” he said slowly, appearing baffled.
“I’ve been in class all week. Actually, I’m in a few of your other
classes too.”

I looked to the floor and quietly said,
“Oh.”

“I’m not surprised you didn’t notice. You
seem pretty intense in class. It’s obvious school’s important to
you. You don’t seem to pay attention to anything else.”

“Are you accusing me of being self absorbed?”
I shot my eyes back up at him, feeling my entire face flame up.

“What? No.” He smiled in amusement at my
reaction.

I stared at him in offense. He held my glare,
unblinking with his cold gray eyes. How did I ever think they were
blue? He was full of himself, and it repulsed me. I shook my head
slightly in disgust and walked away. Sara could only stare with her
mouth ajar, as if having witnessed a horrific car wreck.

“Where the hell did that come from?” she
demanded, her wide eyes glued to me as she strode alongside me.
“I’ve never seen you act like that before.” I couldn’t get over her
astonishment. She almost sounded disappointed.

“Excuse me?!” I shot back defensively, unable
to look at her for more than a second. “He’s a conceited jerk. I
don’t care what he thinks of me.”

“I thought he was just concerned that he
hadn’t offended you in class. I think he might even be interested
in you.”

“Yeah, right,” I replied dismissively.

“Seriously, I know you’re extremely focused,
but how did you not notice him before today?”

“What, do
you
think I’m self absorbed
too?” I snapped, regretting it as soon as I said it.

Sara rolled her eyes. “You know I don’t, so
stop being stupid. I get why you shut everyone out. I know how much
you need to get through high school, like every breath depends on
it. But I also get how it looks to everyone else.

“It’s just accepted that this is who you are,
so no one really pays attention anymore. Your lack of,” she
hesitated, looking for the right word, “
interest
is
expected. I think it’s amazing that a guy, who’s only been here a
week, has picked up on your intensity. He’s obviously noticed
you
.”

“Sara, he’s not that perceptive,” I accused.
“He was just trying to recover from the blow he took to his ego in
class.”

She let out a quick laugh with a shake of her
head. “You’re impossible.”

I opened my locker, then looked over at Sara
before putting my books away. “He’s really been here all week?”

“Don’t you remember when I mentioned the hot
new guy during lunch on Monday?”

“That was
him
?” I scoffed, shoving my
books in my locker and flinging the door shut. “You think he’s good
looking?” I laughed like the thought that he could be attractive
was insane.

“Yeah,” she responded emphatically, like I
was the one who was insane, “along with like every girl in school.
Even the senior girls are checking him out. And if you try to
convince me that he’s not gorgeous, I’m going to slap you.”

This time, I rolled my eyes. “You know what -
I really don’t want to talk about him anymore.” I was oddly
exhausted by the outburst of emotion. I was never out of control,
especially in school - with witnesses.

“You know everyone in school will be talking
about it. ‘Did you hear Emma Thomas finally snapped?’” Sara
teased.

“Nice. I’m glad you’re finding this funny,” I
shot back before walking past her down the hall. Sara jogged to
catch up, still smiling.

As much as I wanted to forget it, I couldn’t
help but replay the entire scene over in my head while we walked to
study period in the cafeteria. We continued through the caf, where
I could already hear the whispers, and out the back doors that led
to the picnic tables.

Seriously, what happened? Why did this guy
bother me so much? I shouldn’t care enough to be this upset.
Honestly, I didn’t even know him. Then my overreaction sunk in.

“Sara, I’m an idiot,” I confessed, feeling
truly miserable. She was lying down on the bench, taking in the
warm rays, peeling back the straps of her tank top to avoid tan
lines – messing with every guy within eyeshot. She sat up curiously
and took in my agonized expression.

“What are you talking about?”

“I have no idea what happened to me in there.
Really, why should I care if this guy writes an article about the
imperfections of being a teenager? I cannot believe I acted like
that and then made a scene in the hall. I’m completely humiliated.”
I groaned and put my face down in my folded arms.

Sara didn’t say anything. After a moment, I
looked up at her, questioning. “What? You’re not even going to
try
to make me feel better?”

“Sorry, I’ve got nothing. Em, you were pretty
crazy in there,” she remarked with a smirk.

“Thanks, Sara!” I connected with her smiling
eyes and couldn’t hold back. We simultaneously burst out laughing.
It came out so loud that the table next to us stopped
mid-conversation to stare. I definitely looked like I’d lost my
mind now.

It took a full minute for me to break through
the hysterics. Sara tried to stop, but small bouts of laughter
would escape whenever she’d look at me.

She leaned toward me and lowered her giggling
voice, “Well, maybe you can redeem yourself. He’s on his way over
here.”

“No way!” My eyes widened in panic.

“I hope the laughing wasn’t about me.” It was
that same confident, charming voice. I closed my eyes, afraid to
face him.

I took a calming breath and turned to look up
at him. “No, Sara said something funny.” I hesitated before I
added, “I shouldn’t have gone off on you. I’m not usually like
that.”

Sara started laughing again, probably
replaying my mortifying moment in her head. “Sorry, I can’t help
it,” her eyes watering from trying to hold it in. “I need to get
some water.”

She left us alone. Oh no - she left us
alone!

“I know,” he responded to my indirect
apology. His perfect lips curled up into a soft smile. I was
surprised by the casualness of his response. “Good luck in your
game today. I heard you’re pretty good.” Without allowing me to
respond, he walked away.

What just happened? What did he mean
he
knows
I’m not usually like that? I stared at the spot where he
stood for half a minute, trying to comprehend what just played out.
Why wasn’t he upset with me? I couldn’t believe I was so worked up,
especially over a guy. I needed to shake it off and be over it -
stay focused.

“He’s gone? Please don’t tell me you insulted
him again!”

“No, I swear. He wished me luck in the game
today and walked away. It was… strange.” Sara raised her eyebrows,
grinning.

“Oh, and I guess you could say he’s decent
looking,” I mumbled. Sara’s face lit up with a huge smile.

“He’s so mysterious, and I think he likes
you,” she taunted.

“Come on, Sara. Now you’re being stupid.”

Somehow I completed the homework that was due
the next day, despite glancing around and searching for him every
other minute. I couldn’t get to the longer term assignments. I
saved them for the weekend. It’s not like I had anything else to
do.

“I’m going to the locker room to get ready
for the game.”

“I’ll be down in a minute,” Sara replied,
from her meditative spot on the bench.

I gathered my books and walked through the
cafeteria. I did everything I could to stare straight ahead so I
wouldn’t look for Evan – unsuccessfully.

3.
Distraction

“You will never believe who just asked me…”

I wasn’t able to throw my varsity jersey over
my head in time. I closed my eyes and took a breath in preparation
for her reaction.

“Shit,” Sara whispered, still frozen at the
door of the locker room.

I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t bring myself
to say anything. I knew the large circular bruises that covered my
right shoulder and continued to the middle of my back said more
than enough.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” I mumbled,
still not having the heart to face her.

“Looks pretty bad to me,” she murmured. “I
can’t believe
that
was for forgetting to take out the
trash.” We were interrupted by voices and laughter, as a few girls
entered the locker room. The girls brushed past Sara, who remained
unmoving in the doorway.

“Hey, Emma. We just heard about you telling
off the hot new guy,” one of the girls exclaimed when she noticed
me. “He must have totally pissed you off,” added another as they
began to change.

“I don’t know. I guess he caught me on a bad
day,” I mumbled, my face changing color. I picked up my shoes,
socks, and shin guards and left the room before anyone could say
anything else, especially Sara.

I sat at the top of the steps leading to the
fields in the back of the school and proceeded to put on my shin
guards and shoes. I needed to gather myself after everything that
had happened in under two hours. This was not how my days were
supposed to go. No one tried to get involved with me, and I kept to
myself. This was the place where everything was supposed to be safe
and easy. How could Evan Mathews unravel my constant universe in
just one day?