Reason to Breathe (44 page)

“I’m actually staying over at Sara’s
tonight.”

“You are?” Evan confirmed, raising his
eyebrows with a deliberate grin. “Do you think Sara will mind if I
kidnap you for a couple of hours?” He casually leaned against the
doorway, as I went to the sink to scrub his handprint from my
face.

My heart stuttered.

“Um, I think she’ll be fine,” I replied,
turning to face him. “What are you thinking?”

“We have to talk. I mean, I couldn’t have
asked for a better way to be welcomed back, but I have some things
I need to say before there are any more misunderstandings.”

I winced. Couldn’t we have left it at the
perfect welcome? My stomach twisted, fearful of what he needed to
say. I could only imagine; although it couldn’t be worse than what
I’d been saying to myself since he left.

“So, you’re back?” I confirmed
cautiously.

“Yeah,” he grinned. “We’ll talk about
it.”

“Great,” I huffed, zipping my sweatshirt to
conceal the blue hand prints and smear of green paint.

Evan laughed. “Don’t be so nervous. I’m here,
right?” He grabbed my hand, the warmth from his touch spread up my
arm.

The halls were sparsely occupied, since most
people had already left. The shocked eyes of those remaining
followed us as we traced the familiar route to my locker.

“Mathews!” a few guys yelled out in
recognition. Evan nodded in acknowledgment, continuing to walk
beside me. I think I was as shocked as everyone else to see him
next to me. His firm grasp of my hand was the only thing keeping me
from believing that I was dreaming the entire thing.

“So, he found you,” Sara observed when we
neared our lockers. “I was getting concerned that you threw each
other out the window or something - but I can see that didn’t
happen.” She eyed our interlocked hands with a small smile.

“We’re going…” I started. “Where are we
going?” I looked to Evan for the answer.

“We need to talk,” he explained. “So, can I
bring her back to your house in a couple of hours?”

“My parents are going out
again
. You
can stay and hang out with us tonight if you want. That is if you
don’t say anything that’s going to devastate her more than she’s
already been for the past three months.”

Evan’s shoulders shot back as he received the
blow. I stared at Sara with my mouth open, shaking my head in
disbelief.

“What?!” she shot back. “I’m just
saying…”

“Enough,” I finished, “
more
than
enough!”

I glanced at Evan; he looked pale. I turned
to my locker to gather my books before he could see the truth of
her words on my face.

“I’ll see you later then?” Sara confirmed in
her pleasant voice.

“Sure,” I replied dismissively, still in
shock from her honesty.

Sara walked down the hall, leaving Evan and I
alone.

“What did she mean by that?” Evan asked
slowly.

“She’s just being ridiculous.” I wanted him
to dismiss her words, but they lingered uncomfortably.

“Huh,” he exhaled. “I guess it wasn’t any
better for you here.”

I didn’t understand what he meant and looked
to him for translation.

“We’ll talk about it,” he assured me.
“Ready?”

“Sure,” I said, closing my locker, his
assurance filling me with dread.

Evan took my hand again and escorted me to
his car. I didn’t say much during the ride, too consumed with the
pending “talk”. I wasn’t completely surprised when we pulled into
his empty driveway. I couldn’t think of another place to give us
the privacy we needed for our confessional.

I turned to him in the car before he opened
his door.

“Can’t I just enjoy that you’re here for one
day before we make it uncomfortable?”

Evan found my plea amusing. Of course he
did.

“I need to do this. I’ve had three months to
obsess over this conversation, so I need to say what I have to
say.” He flashed a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry; it’ll be better
once we talk.”

I wasn’t convinced.

I followed him into his house. I was confused
when he kept walking down the hall and up the stairs to his room. I
hesitated before entering his bedroom. Evan stood at the end of his
neatly made bed, waiting for me.

“I wanted you to see that I’m really
here.”

I glanced around the room and noticed the
shelves were full of books and other personal belongings. I didn’t
see any taped boxes.

“I’m completely unpacked.”

With that, Evan walked out of the room. I
continued to follow him through the house and into the barn. My
stomach was tangled in nerves when I sat down to face him on the
couch. I slid my shoes off and leaned back against the arm of the
couch, resting my chin on my knees. I hugged my knees to my chest,
prepared for whatever it was we had to talk about.

“What I have to say goes beyond the three
months I was gone,” he began, playing with the seam of the cushion
nervously. “I should have said something the month we weren’t
talkng before I left.” He hesitated and then focused on my eyes. He
let out a breath and pressed his lips together. I waited anxiously,
barely breathing.

“I love you.”

My heart pounded loudly, having never been
told those three words.

“I didn’t handle things right. I shouldn’t
have gotten mad at you like that, and I’m sorry. I said some things
I didn’t mean, and I pushed you away. I practically hand delivered
you to Drew Carson, which killed me.”

I opened my mouth to disagree, but he
continued before I could get a word out.

“I know I did, Emma. Don’t feel bad about it.
But what was worse than that was when I was waiting in the
hospital, not knowing. I can’t get the image of you motionless on
the gym floor out of my head.”

I shifted my gaze, unable to look into his
pained eyes. I mindlessly picked at my jeans with shaking
hands.

“It was the worst moment of my life. And then
when you wouldn’t see me…” Evan paused to take another breath. I
glanced up at him, watching him run his finger along the seam of
the couch again. “I knew I’d really screwed up. If I couldn’t be
there for you… if you didn’t
want
me to be there for you,
then I couldn’t be here at all. So I left.

“But I couldn’t do it. I’d still talk to some
of the guys, and you’d come up every once in a while when they
talked about what happened over the weekend. They’d mention they
saw you at a party or they’d talk about basketball. They knew we
were close, so they’d bring you up – and I wanted to hear about
you. Well… except for that one time.”

My eyes shot up and my stomach turned. He
didn’t look at me.

“Are you over him?”

“Drew?” I confirmed in disbelief.

“Yeah.”

I released a brief humorless laugh, to his
surprise. “Yeah, I’m completely over Drew.”

“Didn’t
he
end things with
you
?” Evan questioned, still perplexed.

“I let people think what they wanted,” I
confessed, meeting Evan’s blue eyes. “Like someone else I
know.”

He obviously didn’t understand what I
meant.

“I ended things… well, actually you did,” I
stated, thinking better of it. I knew Evan still wasn’t following.
It was my turn to explain. “It became obvious I wasn’t over
you.”

“So you didn’t…” Evan examined me cautiously,
not knowing how to finish the sentence. My eyes widened in shock,
knowing exactly what he was asking.

“Have sex with him?! No!” I declared, aghast
with color rushing to my face.

“Sorry,” he said with a relieved smile. “I
just heard…”

I sighed. “Yeah, along with the rest of the
school. That was horrible.”

Evan let out a brief laugh.

“It’s great that you can still find humor in
my social catastrophes,” I snapped.

“Sorry. I was just imagining your face when
you found out what people thought you’d done,” he said with a
chuckle. “It probably looked a lot like what I just saw,
actually.”

He let out another quick laugh. I tried to
force a scowl, but I was having a hard time keeping a straight
face.

“He wasn’t your fault,” I said softly,
suddenly more serious than I wanted to be. Evan quietly listened.
“I was angry. I assumed things. I thought I saw more than there
actually was between you and Haley…”

“I...” Evan started.

“I know,” I interrupted, “and
I’m
sorry for ever thinking you were interested in her. So much
wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t… I thought you hated me.”

Evan’s eyes got wider, alarmed by my
words.

“I thought I forced you away when you saw me
with Drew. I thought you couldn’t stand to be near me,” I
whispered, fiddling with my jeans again. “I hated what I’d done,
and I was so furious with myself. I could only imagine what you
must have felt. I’m so sorry.” I blinked away the tears welling in
my eyes, recalling how my rage in the bathroom had continued
internally since that day.

Evan slid down the couch, and drew my bent
knees across his lap. He forced me to look into his reflective blue
eyes.

“I didn’t hate you,” he stated softly. “I
could never hate you.”

He leaned in and gently pressed his lips to
mine. It took me a moment to find my breath after he pulled
away.

“So what now?” I whispered.

“I’m here, with you… if you want me,” he
offered with a soft smile. I shoved his arm. “What?! I just wanted
to be sure.”

“Of course I want you,” I shot back.

Evan smiled.

“Then there’s just one more thing.” His tone
became serious. “I know that you won’t tell me what happens at
home. I was wrong to try to force you, and I was wrong about what I
said to you. You are so much stronger than I ever thought you were.
I get why it’s hard for you to talk about it. Sara told me that you
don’t even talk to her about it most of the time. But I know…”

I was having a hard time listening to his
words. Ice began to build up in my stomach. I wished he hadn’t
brought it up.

“And even if you won’t, or can’t, tell me – I
know. I do have to tell you that I can’t ever sit in a hospital
waiting room again.”

“I fell –” I tried to explain.

“Don’t,” Evan urged. “I know. Without you or
Sara telling me, I know. So, even if you can’t tell me the truth,
don’t lie. Don’t defend them like it’s okay. Because it’s not. I
won’t let them do that to you again. I’m just warning you, I’ll
make you leave with me if I think that…”

“Evan,” I interrupted, “I’m okay. I promise.
It’s been pretty tolerable since that day, actually. They barely
even notice me anymore, and I get to spend the weekends at Sara’s.
It used to be Saturday nights, but it’s evolved to Fridays as well.
It’s not the same, so don’t talk like that. Okay?”

He didn’t respond.

“Okay?” I repeated, forcing him to look at
me.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

I put my hand on his cheek, wanting him to
believe me. He took my hand in his and kissed my palm, sending
shivers up my arm.

“So we’re better?” I confirmed.

A warm smile spread across his face. “Yeah,
we’re better.”

Evan leaned toward me again. This time, when
he pressed his lips to mine, he stayed there. He slid me onto his
lap as I put my arms around his neck. My heart convulsed in a flood
of flutters, capturing my breath. His lips slowly slid against
mine, parting in a gentle motion. I felt his hot breath against my
lips, the flitter enraptured my head. I positioned my body to face
him, straddling his legs. He pulled away and examined me with a
smirk.

“What?!” I exclaimed, shocked by his
withdrawal.

“It’s only my first day back.”

I bit my bottom lip with a guilty grin, color
flooded my cheeks.

“Yeah,” I breathed, looking down. “Sorry.” I
flipped my leg over and sat on the couch next to him again.

Evan laughed at my embarrassed retreat.

“Stop it,” I sulked, gently kicking his thigh
with my foot. “I’ve waited for forever to kiss you.”

He laughed again. “You just surprised me,
that’s all.” He continued to grin as he looked at his watch.

“We should get to Sara’s before she believes
we
did
push each other out a window. That reminds me…”

“Don’t,” I begged, not wanting to reflect on
Sara’s reference to my devastation. “Not now, okay?”

“Okay,” he agreed hesitantly, studying me
more intently than I was comfortable with.

“What do you want to do tonight?” I asked
with bright eyes, trying to deflect the serious moment. “A movie at
Sara’s?”

“Are you going to fall asleep again?”

“Probably.”

I was asleep an hour into the movie. I didn’t
remember falling asleep, with Evan laying behind me on the couch,
his arm wrapped around my waist and my hand in his. I was actually
convinced that I was going to make it through the entire drama when
it started.

“I’m right here,” he whispered in
confusion.

I shot up at the sound of his voice.

“Emma?”

I sat with my feet on the floor, gripping the
cushion on either side of my legs with my heart racing. His hand
gently brushed along my back.

“Are you okay?”

“You’re here?” I whispered in relief,
squinting to look at him.

He examined my face in concern, gently wiping
the tear from my cheek.

“Yeah, I’m here,” he soothed. A pained
realization flashed across his face. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Still dazed from the abrupt arousal, I stared
at him, uncertain if I was truly awake.

“Come here.” He pulled me down to lie on his
chest, wrapping his warm arms around me as I drifted back to
sleep.

I awoke the next morning in the same clothes
as the night before. I sat up in a panic.

“Relax,” Sara urged from the bed next to me.
“We’re going to see him tonight. I convinced him to go to a party
with us.”