Reason to Breathe (39 page)

“I pushed him away, so he left,” I confessed
quietly, submitting to the final truth. “I don’t have anyone to
blame but myself – and now he’s gone.” I shrugged my shoulders
dismissively. Sadness settled in Sara’s eyes.

“Don’t worry,” I assured her. “I’m okay.”

“No you’re not,” she whispered with a small
shake of her head. After a brief silence, she said, “I think this
period’s about over. Are you going to your next class?”

“Sure,” I shrugged. “Why not?”

We walked back to our lockers. My locker
stood open, with my books casually tossed in the bottom. I grabbed
what I needed as the bell rang.

“I’ll see you back here before lunch?” Sara
confirmed quietly, the worry still heavy in her eyes. I nodded.

I lingered at my locker for a second after
Sara headed to class. I knew what was waiting for me, and as much
as I tried to convince myself I was ready, I knew better. Smothered
by anxiety, I couldn’t loosen the tightness in my chest as I walked
to Anatomy.

I sank onto my seat at the black table; the
empty chair next to me screamed at me the entire class. I couldn’t
concentrate on the lecture. I kept glancing over at the crushing
reminder of his absence.

By the end of class, I was irritated with my
sorrow. I didn’t have any right to grieve for him. I was the reason
he was gone. But it didn’t matter how much blame I took for forcing
him to leave or how much effort I made to push it away – I was
broken.

“Are you still in pain?” Drew questioned when
he sat next to me and Sara at lunch.

I’d almost forgotten he was joining us, until
he pulled out the chair. The guilt of being distracted by Evan
washed over me with Drew’s words. I obviously was not concealing my
misery very well.

“No, I’m fine,” I assured him with a forced
smile. “It’s just weird having everyone staring at me all day,
that’s all.”

This wasn’t completely a lie, although it had
nothing to do with my pained expression. Everyone had been staring
at me since I arrived at school that morning. I expected some
stares and whispers, especially after Sara’s account of the last
time they saw me at the basketball game. But I wasn’t expecting so
many gawking faces. It was as if I’d returned from the grave. It
was unsettling.

Drew’s relief was evident when I saw him in
the parking lot that morning. I was too preoccupied with searching
for Evan’s car to notice him approaching with a huge smile on his
face. I suddenly caught sight of him and found his greeting too
contagious not to return. He startled me when he wrapped his arms
around me and held me gently against him. I hesitated before
hugging him back. Sara watched in amusement, knowing I was freaking
out on the inside.

I was more concerned that Evan might see us
than I was about being in Drew’s arms. It wasn’t really a horrible
place to be. I glanced around at the eyes that turned our way as
they walked by. I was still trying to accept that Drew really did
care about me. More importantly, I was trying to figure out how I
felt about him.

So, as he sat at the lunch table asking me if
I was still in pain, I decided I wasn’t going to
think
about
it anymore.

I leaned over and kissed him firmly on the
lips and said as I pulled away, “I feel much better, thanks.”

A grin emerged across his face and a subtle
flush rose to his cheeks. Behind me, Sara started choking. I turned
toward her convulsions.

“Sorry,” she whispered, her face bright red.
“Some bullshit caught in my throat.” I raised my eyebrows at her
words, hoping Drew hadn’t heard.

“Are you playing in your game Wednesday?”
Drew asked.

“It depends on how practice goes today and
tomorrow,” I replied. Drew moved his chair closer and rested his
arm along the back of my chair. I could feel his heat radiating
along my side, but the proximity of his body didn’t ignite the
tingling I was searching for.

“I’ll definitely play Friday,” I said,
casually leaning closer so my shoulder touched his. I urged my
heart to take notice, but it was too busy moping and wasn’t about
to be forced to flutter.

“Do you want to come over after the game to
watch a movie?” he asked. Suddenly realizing Sara would be there
too, he looked at Sara to include her in the invitation. “Or hang
out or something?”

“There’s a party Friday night at Kelli
Mulligan’s beach house,” Sara informed him.

“Oh, you have plans?” Drew recognized in
disappointment.

I shrugged apologetically, unaware of Sara’s
plans for us on Friday night. I was still trying to get used to the
idea that I had a
Friday night
. When Sara found out that I
was going to be staying with her on the weekends, all of her
worries about my returning home rushed away. In their place was a
revelation that she finally got to bring me to all the things I’d
been missing out on. So my schedule defaulted to hers on the
weekends – which was a little overwhelming.

“I have computer class with Kelli during
second period; she invited us this morning. We’re probably staying
over,” she informed us.

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Not only
did I have plans on a Friday night, but my sleep over had a sleep
over? The thought of a party sent a familiar sensation surging
through my veins – panic.

“She mentioned something about it to me last
week after our basketball game. I didn’t really consider it at the
time. Is she letting anyone sleep over?” Drew asked.

“I don’t know,” Sara answered. This was not
what she expected him to say, and I could tell she was bothered. I
grinned.

“Do you want to go to the party?” My invite
caused Sara to kick me under the table.

“I’ll make sure it’s still okay with Kelli. I
have class with her next actually.”

“Great,” Sara forced. Her false enthusiasm
was glaringly obvious to me, but Drew didn’t appear to notice.

The lunch bell rang and Drew walked us into
the hall.

“I’ll see you before we leave for our game?”
he confirmed.

“Yes,” I replied with a small smile.

Drew put his hands on my waist and pulled me
to him. The chatter of voices and shuffling of feet surrounded us,
but I didn’t resist his advances. His soft lips were warm against
mine as he held them there for a prolonged moment. My heart refused
to flutter, but I couldn’t deny the warmth that spread through my
stomach and the swirls that danced in my head. I decided I could
live without the rush, since kissing him was by no means
uneventful.

“Bye,” he whispered with a small smile before
walking away, leaving me looking after him.

“Ready?” Sara asked, snapping me back to the
noise of the hall. She stared at me with wide eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“What are you doing?” she demanded
incredulously.

“I don’t know what you mean. Aren’t we
supposed to be
dating
?”

“I just sat with you for an hour in the
girls’ bathroom –”

“Don’t, Sara.” I turned at the top of the
stairs to face her. “This has nothing to do with
him
. I like
Drew.”

Sara raised her eyebrows, challenging my
statement.

“Really, I
do
like him,” I insisted
and continued walking toward our lockers.

“Fine, maybe you like him,” Sara conceded.
“But it still doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t care how amazing
you think Drew is, he’s not –“

“Don’t say it, Sara,” I threatened. “Stop
mentioning
him
. He decided to leave and I have to move
on.”

“Just like that?” she challenged. I shrugged.
“Don’t do anything stupid, okay? You can’t kiss your way through
this.” I rolled my eyes and left her at the lockers to go to Art
class.

This ended up being harder than Anatomy. Ms.
Mier asked us to create an art piece depicting an emotion. She
challenged us to unleash an emotion that could be felt through our
artistic interpretation. A thousand different emotions surged
through my head. I was fearful of exploring any one of them
individually. Anxiety set in as I gathered a canvas and tried to
select some colors to begin.

“Having difficulty deciding?” Ms. Mier
inquired. “Or are you afraid of tapping into that emotion?” I
glanced at her, recognizing her knowing words.

“I’m sorry you have to feel it,” she
continued, “but I think you can create something amazing if you let
yourself explore it. It may not help you heal, but it may help you
process it.”

She paused, gently placed her hand on my
shoulder, and whispered, “It’s okay to miss him,” before walking
away.

I swallowed hard, pressing my lips together.
I grabbed shades of red and orange and returned to my easel to
begin
processing
.

During the two weeks of that assignment, I
allowed myself to tap into the raw pain and drip it onto the
canvas. I was true to myself with each stroke. It was a draining
process, but the release was therapeutic. On several occasions, I
fought to focus through blurred vision as I added layers of color,
developing the pain with each shade. When I cleaned my supplies, I
forced it all back into the shadows. By the time I returned to the
halls, nothing remained - except for the aching murmur that took
over my heart the day he left.

I moved on. I returned to playing basketball,
only sitting out half of the first game after my return. I
continued focusing on my academics, and found it easier now that I
could escape to my room each night without the suffocating tension.
I had the attention of a great guy, who easily distracted
my
attention whenever he was within sight. And I had guaranteed time
with Sara. I was surviving as I promised I would.

27.
Warmth

I caught a
glimpse of his tousled golden brown hair in the sea of people. I
followed after him, squeezing through the bodies, forcing myself to
move faster. No matter how fast I tried to move, I couldn’t reach
him. The bodies became solid and I was pushing through branches
that raked my skin. I could still see him up ahead, but he didn’t
look back. My legs refused to cooperate and run faster. It took
every effort to propel myself forward. I couldn’t let him get away.
My heart raced as I feared losing sight of him.

Suddenly the ground slid beneath me, and I
didn’t see him anymore. The crumbling rocky surface continued to
roll away. I tried to stop, but it was too late. I grabbed at the
rocks and the loose dirt, my legs scraping along the rough surface.
My fingers curled around the edge and my legs hung, suspended above
the darkness. Panic enveloped me as I tried to pull myself up. The
rocks started to break free from the ledge, and that’s when I saw
him standing above me. I tried to reach for him, but as soon as I
lifted my hand, the ground beneath the other hand gave way. I
didn’t see his face when I fell. Just before I hit bottom, I shot
up in bed.

I was greeted by the familiar residuals of my
active sleep – the racing pulse, heavy breathing and sheen of sweat
– but this time, there were tears running down my cheeks. I fell
into my pillow and cried, giving way to the ache in my chest until
I was too exhausted to hurt anymore and drifted back into a
restless sleep.

“You look tired,” Sara observed when she
picked me up the next morning.

“I haven’t been sleeping very well,” I
confessed, pushing away the unsettling images of the nightmare that
still clung to me.

“Are you going to last for the party
tonight?”

“I’ll be fine,” I promised. The thought of
spending the night at Kelli Mulligan’s beach house was enough to
jolt me to attention. I wasn’t concerned I was going to fall asleep
– I was more concerned about going to my first party with Drew
since the bon fire.

“Ready for the party tonight?” Drew asked
when he met me in the parking lot.

Seeing him brought a smile to my face, as it
had every morning that week when he found me at Sara’s car.
Although Sara wasn’t blatantly rude, she wasn’t making any attempt
to accept Drew. It was uncomfortably out of character for her. I
mindfully ignored her and fell under Drew’s arm as he wrapped it
around my shoulder.

“Yeah,” I responded with a forced hoorah in
my voice. Why was I stressin’ over this party so much?

“It’s going to be a good one,” Drew said,
pulling me against him.

Before we parted ways in the hall, he quickly
brushed his lips against my cheek and whispered, “I’ll see you at
lunch.” I smiled at his touch.

“Maybe that’s what happened,” Sara concluded
as we walked to our lockers. “Your concussion must have left you
confused and delusional.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The fact that you continue to ogle at Drew
like he is
the guy
.”

“What’s wrong with you?” I couldn’t
understand the motive for her bitterness.

“I just don’t like
you
with Drew,” she
stated blatantly.

“What? You think I’m different? What have I
done wrong?” I questioned in alarm.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, really. You’re
just not the same, like something’s missing.” She shook her head
slightly in deliberation. “I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Sara, why are you making this so hard? If
there’s something I’m doing that I don’t know that I’m doing,
please tell me so I can fix it. But if I’m not doing anything
wrong, then I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to see us
together? I’m
trying
to be happy, and Drew makes me happy.
I’d be a lot happier if you weren’t so critical of me. I want to
have a good time this weekend. We’re finally getting to spend
weekends together without fear or having to lie. Aren’t you excited
at all?”

“I am,” she replied quietly, then forced a
smile on her face. It was a start. “I’m sorry. A lot has changed
lately. I think I’m having a harder time adjusting than you are.
I’ll try to be happy for you.”