Reason to Breathe (43 page)

“What happened?” she asked, sensing my mood
change.

“He pretty much just asked me to have sex
with him,” I responded quietly as I dumped a bag of chips in a
bowl.

“No way!” Sara exclaimed in shock. “What did
you say?”

“I couldn’t answer him,” I confessed
guiltily.

“You didn’t say
anything
?”

“I was trying to figure out what the answer
was when you two arrived.”

“So now he thinks you don’t like him at all,
right?”

“I told him I liked him,” I explained. “But
he said he wanted more from me.”

“Are you ready for this? With him?”

“I like him. But…” I shrugged.

Sara smirked, and said, “I know.”

“What should I do?”

“Just treat him like you normally would, and
try to avoid being alone with him for now. But you have to talk to
him about it eventually. He’s going to see right through you anyway
when you keep rejecting him, and it won’t matter.”

I was confused. “What do you mean?”

She smiled. “If you don’t know what I’m
talking about, then I can’t tell you.”

“Sara,” I pleaded, “you’re not making any
sense. What are you talking about?”

“Here, bring these bowls of chips upstairs,
and kiss him or something so it’s not awkward all night.”

Jill entered the kitchen, and I hesitated
before grabbing the bowls from Sara’s hands, still trying to
decipher her message. I climbed the stairs slowly, figuring out how
to approach Drew. I decided aggressive and direct was best.

I set the bowls of chips on the table and
intercepted Drew’s view of the television screen while he flipped
through movie titles. Reluctantly he looked up at me. I moved
closer and straddled his legs, hovering above him. He raised his
eyebrows in reaction to my forwardness.

“I want to be with you,” I whispered, looking
down at him. I placed my hands on the back of his neck, running my
fingers into his hair. “But I’m just not ready.”

He looked at me in confusion, obviously
expecting a different answer. He was about to slide out from under
me when I quickly added, “Right now - but, soon.” I didn’t know why
I lied to him. It was easier than admitting the truth.

I leaned down and firmly pressed my lips
against his. Before I could pull back, he had his hands on my back
and he quickly flipped me over onto my back so that his body was on
top of mine and my legs were wrapped around him. He continued to
search for my lips as my breathing quickened. He tried to roll me
on my side, but the momentum forced us to roll off the couch and
onto the floor.

I started laughing, deflating the intensity,
as he groaned beneath me. He looked up at me and smiled. I pushed
myself off of him and slid back on the couch as the voices of the
guys with Sara and Jill neared the top floor.

During the movies, Drew and I laid on
oversized pillows on the floor, in direct sight of everyone, so he
couldn’t get away with too much. Everyone else was scattered on the
couch and loveseat, making comments about the pathetic girls
wandering alone in the dark and warning the guys to look behind
them right before they were slaughtered. I had my head propped
against Drew’s taut stomach while he played with my hair. I fell
asleep during the middle of the second movie.

“Evan?” the voice asked, crashing from my
nightmare back to reality.

I shot up and looked around the dark room. I
woke on the floor, under a blanket and tried to place where I was.
I was in Sara’s entertainment room I realized - then I remembered
watching the movies.

I felt him sit up next to me. I knew in that
moment what had happened, and I was afraid to turn around. I wiped
the tears from my eyes and slowly faced him. He looked exactly how
I feared – hurt and confused. But he also looked pissed, and I
wasn’t expecting that. I stared at him, trying to calm my quickened
pulse, but it remained heightened with the silent
confrontation.

“Nightmare?” he finally asked.

I nodded, preparing for what was next.

“About Evan?” he bit. I looked down, unable
to meet his eyes.

“I get it now,” he whispered in agitation. I
glanced at him as he shook his head slowly.

“Drew,” I pleaded. He stood to put his shoes
on and grabbed his jacket. I couldn’t find the words to make him
stay. The truth was… I didn’t want him to stay.

I remained on the floor, watching him
disappear down the stairs. That’s when I noticed Sara on the couch
wrapped in the arms of an unconscious guy. Sara peered over the arm
of the couch with sympathetic eyes, having heard everything. I
looked away.

~~~~~

“You did much better than I thought you would
while we were in San Francisco,” Sara complimented on our flight
back from California. “I was waiting for you to lose it.”

I was relieved I’d been so convincing. In
actuality, I searched the face of every guy we passed, hoping to
see him.

“I almost called him,” I confessed, unable to
look at her.

“I’m not surprised, but he wasn’t there.” My
mouth dropped open as I turned to stare at her. “He’s snowboarding
in Tahoe with some friends for the week.”

“How do you know?”

“I asked Jared,” she confessed. “I called him
when I found out we were staying in San Francisco for a few days,
thinking maybe we could bump into Evan so you could get some
closure. Don’t worry; Jared promised not to tell him.”

I didn’t know what to say. When I thought
about it, I wasn’t exactly surprised that Sara did this.

I tried so hard not to think about him, but
it was impossible not to when we were right there. It ate at me
that he was so close and I could possibly see him at any moment. I
picked up my phone probably a million times and hit
5
. Every
time I saw the preprogrammed Evan displayed on the screen, I’d hit
Cancel
. Now those agonizing moments of trying to decide if I
could push the
Send
button didn’t matter at all. He wasn’t
even in San Francisco.

“Speaking of closure,” Sara continued, “what
are you going to say to Drew?”

“I have to say something, don’t I?”

“Yeah, you can’t avoid him forever. The
school isn’t that big.” After a pause, she asked nervously, “You
are over, aren’t you?”

I let out a short laugh. “Don’t worry, Sara,
I won’t continue torturing you. You don’t have to pretend to like
him anymore. It’s over.”

“I did like him,” she said, then thought
better of it. “You’re right, I didn’t like him. Mostly because I
didn’t –“

“Like me with him,” I finished. “I know.”

“He wasn’t right for you.”

“I know,” I answered honestly. “Drew is
that guy
. I’m pretty sure he would’ve broken up with me when
he realized he wasn’t going to get anything. I think it’s pretty
obvious we’re over.”

“You still need to tell him,” Sara urged. I
didn’t know what I was going to say. The unavoidable
talk
was weighing on me more than I wanted to admit.

But there ended up being no need to worry
after all. The whole school knew we were over before we’d even
returned from California. I found out when I heard, “I can’t
believe Drew dumped you for Katie,” as soon as I walked into school
on Monday. Jill stared at me waiting for my reaction. She wasn’t
expecting me to laugh.

It took a few weeks, but the rumors simmered,
and I was able to return to my evolving world without any more
distractions. Although the rhythm had changed since the beginning
of the year, I was content with its predictability, and part of
that was being alone – which I readily accepted. I also accepted
the silence in the house when I retreated to my room each
night.

I kept waiting for Carol to react in some way
to my trip to California. But all I heard when I returned from
Sara’s was about the trip George had surprised her with to Bermuda.
I had a feeling George hadn’t told her about California. I had no
problem putting up with her gloating; it didn’t leave bruises.

I concentrated on my classes, continuing to
push myself to meet my overachieving expectations. I performed on
the basketball court, helping our team finish the regular season
with only one other loss. I laughed with Sara more than I used to,
now that we were “weekend sisters,” as she liked to refer to
us.

Even the pain that murmured in my chest and
the nightmares that continued to wake me became a predictable part
of my existence. I accepted them, and I moved on – I was still
surviving.

29.
Flutter

“Still not
doing a very good job fading,” his voice said from behind me.

The paintbrush froze in my hand mid-stroke
and started shaking. My heart stopped in my chest. I didn’t know if
I could turn around to face him.

I forced my legs to swing around to the other
side of the stool.

“Hi.” He smiled. My heart released a brief
flutter.

“Hi,” I whispered, forcing myself to
breathe.

“When you weren’t in the caf, I figured you’d
either be here or the Journalism room.”

I could only nod, searching for my voice.

“What are you doing here?” I forced the words
from my mouth. My question was barely audible since I still wasn’t
breathing properly.

“Looking for you,” he answered with his
familiar grin. My heart picked up its pace, filling my cheeks with
a rush of color. All I could do was stare into his blue eyes,
afraid that if I looked away, he’d be gone.
Please convince me I
wasn’t hallucinating.

“Sorry to hear that the basketball team lost
in the semi’s,” he offered casually. He’s talking about basketball?
I definitely wasn’t hallucinating.

“Thanks,” I said, forcing my lips to resemble
a smile.
Come on brain, don’t fail me now – say
something!

“Not sure what to say, huh?” He smirked,
amused by my inability to form a cohesive sentence.

“I’m glad I can…” I threw my hands in the
air, forgetting that I had a paintbrush in my grasp, the green
paint flung across his grey t-shirt. He looked down at the streak
with wide eyes. I held my breath, pressing my lips together. A
stifled laugh escaped from behind my pursed lips. Then I started
laughing harder.

“That’s funny, huh?” I bit my lower lip,
still smiling. “Let’s see if you think
this
funny.” He
leaned over my table and rubbed blue paint on his hands. Realizing
his intention, I jumped off the stool to escape retaliation.

“Evan, don’t,” I pleaded.

I rounded the corner toward the dark room
when he caught me around the waist, leaving blue hand prints on my
shirt. When he grabbed me, he didn’t let go. Evan turned me to face
him. Still smiling, I connected with his blue eyes, unaware he was
pulling me closer. Just before I registered what was happening, my
heart ignited, fluttering franticly. My head swirled in a rush. He
placed his damp hand on my cheek and leaned down toward me.

A paralyzing charge flashed through my body
when his firm lips touched mine. I inhaled his clean scent,
allowing the tingling to run through my head. When he slowly pulled
away, his eyes searched mine cautiously. I blinked through the
buzz, trying to steady myself.

“Emma?” Ms. Mier’s voice rang from around the
corner.

Evan raised his eyebrows in surprise then
slipped by me, toward the dark room. I attempted to sober up before
responding.

“Hi, Ms. Mier,” my voice cracked, stepping
around the corner to meet her. My face was hot with
embarrassment.

“Oh, hi,” she said with a smile of surprise.
With the smile still lingering, she gathered some papers from her
desk. “I needed to get a few things. Could you please lock up when
you leave today?”

“Sure,” I agreed quickly.

She smiled wider.

“That’s a good color on you,” she
acknowledged.

My face grew even hotter, if that was
possible. I looked down at the hand prints on my white shirt.

“No, the red I mean.”

My eyes widened. I watched her walk to the
door and turn the lock.

Before closing the door behind her, she
glanced at me and said, “Tell Mr. Mathews I said welcome back.”

I nearly fell over. I stood there for a
moment, uncertain what to do next. I decided not to think about it
anymore and to do what I should have done three months ago.

I walked into the dark room. Evan was drying
his hands next to the sink. I closed the door behind me and leaned
against it, unable to move. He threw the paper towel in the basket
and looked up, hesitating for a second.

My chest moved with an exaggerated breath. My
heart beat frantically against my shirt. He read exactly what I
wanted him to in my widened eyes and stepped toward me. I wrapped
my arms around his neck, and he pulled me into him. I stood on my
toes, extending myself to find him. He held me closer as his lips
parted, and I felt the warmth of his breath. My heart released a
surge that caught my breath when I felt his soft tongue. His lips
were firm but gentle, pressed against mine in a slow, breathless
rhythm. Tiny sparks flew through my head and down my spine - my
legs trembled beneath me.

I lowered my head to his chest before my legs
gave out. He kept his arms wrapped around me, resting his chin on
the top of my head, while I listened to his accelerated heartbeat
and deep breaths. I wiped an escaped tear from my eye, trying to
remember how to breathe.

“That was worth waiting for,” he whispered
and then added with sarcasm, “Missed me, huh?”

I looked up at his perfect smile and replied
with a smirk, “I survived.”

“I heard.”

I pulled away and eyed him suspiciously.

“I still have friends here.” He shrugged.
Just then, the bell rang, declaring the end of the school day.
“What do you want to do? Do you have to go home?”