Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) (4 page)

Lulu
     Well. Thank you. Thanks.

Brian
     And now: ‘Just a few more left. So dial this number now.’

Lulu
     Just a few more left. So dial this number now.

Brian
     Excellent. Natural. Professional. Excellent.

Lulu
     I have had training.

Brian
     So you’re . . . ?

Lulu
     I’m, a trained actress.

Brian
writes down ‘trained actress
’.

Brian
     I don’t recognize you.

Lulu
     No? Well, probably not.

Brian
     Do some for me now.

Lulu
     You want me to . . . ?

Brian
     I want to see you doing some acting.

Lulu
     I didn’t realise. I haven’t prepared.

Brian
     Come on. You’re an actress. You must be able to do some acting.

An actress – if she can’t do acting when she’s asked then what is she?

She’s nothing.

Lulu
     Alright.

She stands up
.

I haven’t actually done this one before. In front of anyone.

Brian
     Never mind. You’re doing it now.

Lulu
     One day people will know what all this was for. All this suffering.

Brian
     Take your jacket off.

Lulu
     I’m sorry?

Brian
     I’m asking you to take your jacket off. Can’t act with your jacket on.

Lulu
     Actually, I find it helps.

Brian
     In what way?

Lulu
     The character.

Brian
     Yes. But it’s not helping me. I’m here to assess your talents and you’re standing there acting in a jacket.

Lulu
     I’d like to keep it on.

Brian
(
stands
)     Alright. I’ll call the girl. Or maybe you remember the way.

Lulu
     No.

Brian
     What do you mean – no?

Lulu
     I mean . . . please I’d like this job. I want to be considered for this job.

Brian
     Then we’ll continue. Without the jacket. Yes?

Lulu
removes her jacket. Two chilled ready meals fall to the floor
.

Brian
     Look at all this.

They both go to pick up the meals.
Brian
gets there first
.

Exotic.

Lulu
     We’ve got really into them. That’s what we eat. For supper.

Brian
     Did you pay for these?

Lulu
     Yes.

Brian
     Stuffed into your jacket. Did you pay for them?

Lulu
     Yes.

Brian
     Look me in the eyes. Did. You. Pay?

Lulu
     No.

Brian
     Stolen goods.

Lulu
     We have to eat. We have to get by. I don’t like this. I’m not a shoplifter. By nature. My instinct is for work. I need a job. Please.

Brian
     You’re an actress by instinct but theft is a necessity. Unless you can persuade me that I need you.

Alright. Carry on. Act a bit more.

No shirt.

Lulu
     No . . .

Brian
     Carry on without the . . . (what’s the . . . ?) . . . blouse. And the . . .

Lulu
removes her blouse
.

Lulu
     One day people will know what all this was for. All this suffering. There’ll be no more mysteries. But until then we have to carry on living. We must work. That’s all we can do. I’m leaving by myself tomorrow . . .

Brian
(
stifling a sob
)     Oh God.

Lulu
     I’m sorry. Shall I stop?

Brian
     Carry on. Please.

Lulu
     I’m leaving by myself tomorrow. I’ll teach in a school and devote my whole life to people who need it. It’s autumn now. It will soon be winter and there’ll be snow everywhere. But I’ll be working.

That’s all.

Lulu
puts her blouse and jacket on
.

Brian
(
wipes away a tear
)     Perfect. Brilliant. Did you make it up?

Lulu
     No. I learnt it. From a book.

Brian
     Brilliant. So you think you can sell?

Lulu
     I know I can sell.

Brian
     Because you’re an actress?

Lulu
     It helps.

Brian
     You seem very confident.

Lulu
     I am.

Brian
     Alright then. A trial. Something by way of a test. I’m going to give you something to sell and we’re going to see how well you do. Clear so far?

Lulu
     Totally.

Lulu
     Yes.

Brian
     You understand that I am
entrusting
you?

Lulu
     I understand.

Brian
     I am entrusting you to pass this important test.

Lulu
     I’m not going to let you down.

Brian
reaches for his briefcase and starts to open it.

Flat
.

Robbie
is sitting. He is wearing the uniform of a leading burger chain.
Lulu
stands over him
.

Robbie
     And all I’ve said was: With cheese, sir?

And he just looks at me blankly. Just stares into my eyes.

And there’s this . . . fear.

Try again. ‘Would you like cheese on your burger, sir?’

This is too much for him. I see the bottom lip go. The eyes are filling up.

Lulu
     So you told him. And they sacked you?

Robbie
     Someone had to. If you were there you’d . . . I decided I’m going to have to tell him. And I say: Look, here you have a choice. For once in your life you have a choice so for fuck’s sake make the most of it.

Lulu
     And then they / sacked you?

Robbie
     And then. He gets his fork. Grabs this fork. And he jumps over the counter. And he goes for me.

Lulu
     With the fork?

Robbie
     Goes for me with the fork. Gets me down and stabs me.

Lulu
     He stabbed you?

Beat
.

Robbie
     It’s nothing.

Lulu
     You’re wounded. You should have told me.

Robbie
     No. It’s nothing.

Lulu
     Where’s the wound then?

Robbie
     It snapped. Before it did any damage.

Lulu
     ?

Robbie
     The fork. It was a plastic fork. It snapped before it did any damage.

Pause
.

Lulu
     So . . . no wound? So. Where’s the money going to come from? Who’s gonna pay for everything?

Robbie
     You’ll come up with something.

Lulu
     Me?

Robbie
     Yeah. You’ll sort it out.

Did you get it?

Lulu
     Did I get . . . ?

Robbie
     The job. The TV.

Lulu
     Well. Yes. They’re taking me on . . .

Robbie
     Brilliant. / That’s brilliant.

Lulu
     They’re offering me a sort of temporary assignment.

Robbie
     Yeah? What sort of . . . ?

Lulu
produces three hundred E in a clear plastic bag
.

Robbie
     You’re gonna sell them?

Lulu
     We’re going to sell them. You can make yourself useful.

Should be three hundred. You can count them.

Exit
Lulu
.
Robbie
starts counting the tablets
.
Mark
enters and watches
Robbie
,
who doesn’t see him until –

Mark
     Are you dealing?

Robbie
     Fuck. You made me –

How long have you – ?

Mark
     Just now. Are you dealing?

Robbie
     That doesn’t . . .

Pause
.

So. They let you out.

Mark
Sort of.

Pause
.

Robbie
     Thought you said months. Did you miss me?

Mark
     I missed you both.

Robbie
     I missed you. So. I s’pose . . .

I sort of hoped you’d miss me.

Mark
     Yeah. Right.

Robbie
moves to
Mark
.
They kiss
.

Robbie
moves to kiss
Mark
again
.

Mark
     No.

Robbie
     No?

Mark
     Sorry.

Robbie
     No. That’s OK.

Mark
     No, sorry. I mean it. Because actually I’d decided I wasn’t going to do that. I didn’t really want that to happen, you know? Commit myself so quickly to . . . intimacy.

Robbie
     OK.

Mark
     Just something I’m trying to work through.

Robbie
     . . . Work through?

Mark
     Yeah. Sort out. In my head.

We’ve been talking a lot about dependencies. Things you get dependent on.

Robbie
     Smack.

Mark
     Smack, yes absolutely. But also people. You get dependent on people. Like . . . emotional dependencies. Which are just as addictive, OK?

Robbie
(
pause
)     So – that’s it, is it?

Mark
     No.

Robbie
     That’s me finished.

Mark
     No.

Robbie
     ‘Goodbye.’

Mark
     I didn’t say that. No. Not goodbye.

Robbie
     Then . . . kiss me.

Mark
     Look . . . (
Turns away
.)

Robbie
     Fuck off.

Mark
     Until I’ve worked this through.

Pause
.

Robbie
     Did you use?

Mark
     No.

Robbie
     Right. You used, they chucked you out.

Mark
     Nothing. I’m clean.

Robbie
     So . . .

Pause
.

Mark
     There are these rules, you see. They make you sign – you agree to this set of rules. One of which I broke.

OK?

Robbie
     Which one?

Mark
     It was nothing.

Robbie
     Come on.

Mark
     I told them. It wasn’t like that. I put my case / but –

Robbie
Tell me
.

Pause
.

Mark
     No personal relations.

Robbie
     Fuck.

Mark
     You’re not supposed to – form an attachment.

Robbie
     Ah, I see.

Mark
     Which I didn’t.

Robbie
     So that’s why / you won’t kiss me.

Mark
     It wasn’t an attachment.

Robbie
(
pause
)     If you were just honest. / We said we’d be honest.

Mark
     It wasn’t like that. I told them ‘You can’t call this a personal relationship.’

Robbie
     What was it then?

Mark
     More of a . . . transaction. I paid him. I gave him money. And when you’re paying, you can’t call that a personal relationship, can you? / What would you call it?

Robbie
     You can’t kiss me. You fucked someone / but you can’t kiss me.

Mark
     That would mean something.

Robbie
     Who was it?

Mark
     Somebody.

Robbie
     Tell me who.

Mark
     He was called Wayne.

Robbie
     Well get you.

Mark
     I just – you know – in the shower. Shower and I . . . Saw his bottom. Saw the hole, you know. And I felt like – I wanted to . . . lick it.

Robbie
(
pause
)     That’s it?

Mark
     We did a deal. I paid him. We confined ourselves to the lavatory. It didn’t mean anything.

Robbie
     Nothing for afters?