Plays Unpleasant (22 page)

Grace comes in. Her dress, very convenient and businesslike, is made to please herself and serve her own purposes without the slightest regard to fashion, though by no means without a careful concern for her personal elegance. She enters briskly, like an habitually busy woman
.

SYLVIA
[
running to her
] Here you are at last, Tranfield, old girl. Ive been waiting for you this last hour. I'm starving.

GRACE
. All right, dear. [
To Charteris
] Did you get my letter?

CHARTERIS
. Yes. I wish you wouldnt write on those confounded blue letter-cards.

SYLVIA
[
to Grace
] Shall I go down first, and secure a table?

CHARTERIS
[
taking the reply out of Grace's mouth
] Do, old boy.

SYLVIA
. Dont be too long. [
She goes into the dining room
]

GRACE
. Well?

CHARTERIS
. I'm afraid to face you after last night. Can you imagine a more horrible scene? Dont you hate the very sight of me after it?

GRACE
. Oh no.

CHARTERIS
. Then you ought to. Ugh! it was hideous: an insult: an outrage. A nice end to all my plans for making
you happy: for making you an exception to all the women who swear I have made them miserable!

GRACE
[
sitting down placidly
] I am not at all miserable. I'm sorry; but I shant break my heart.

CHARTERIS
. No; yours is a thoroughbred heart: you dont scream and cry every time it's pinched. Thats why you are the only possible woman for me.

GRACE
[
shaking her head
] Not now. Never any more.

CHARTERIS
. Never! What do you mean?

GRACE
. What I say, Leonard.

CHARTERIS
. Jilted again! The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me. Well, well! I see how it is, Grace: you cant forget that horrible scene last night. Imagine her saying I had kissed her within the last two days!

GRACE
[
rising eagerly
] Was that not true?

CHARTERIS
. True! No: a thumping lie.

GRACE
. Oh, I'm so glad. That was the only thing that really hurt me.

CHARTERIS
. Just why she said it. How adorable of you to care! My darling. [
He seizes her hands, and presses them to his breast
].

GRACE
. Remember! it's all broken off.

CHARTERIS
. Ah yes: you have my heart in your hands.

Break it. Throw my happiness out of the window.

GRACE
. Oh, Leonard, does your happiness really depend on me?

CHARTERIS
[
tenderly
] Absolutely. [
She beams with delight. A sudden revulsion comes to him at the sight: he recoils, dropping her hands and crying
] Ah no: why should I lie to you? [
He folds his arms and adds firmly
] My happiness depends on nobodybut myself. I can do without you.

GRACE
[
nerving herself
] So you shall. Thank you for the truth. Now
I
will tell you the truth.

CHARTERIS
[
unfolding his arms in terror
] No, please. Dont. As a philosopher, it's my business to tell other people the
truth; but it's not their business to tell it to me. I dont like it: it hurts.

GRACE
[
quietly
] It's only that I love you.

CHARTERIS
. Ah! thats not a philosophic truth. You may tell me that as often as you like. [
He takes her in his arms
].

GRACE
. Yes, Leonard; but I'm an advanced woman. [
He checks himself, and looks at her in some consternation
]. I'm what my father calls the New Woman. [
He lets her go, and stares at her
]. I quite agree with all your ideas.

CHARTERIS
[
scandalized
] Thats a nice thing for a respectable woman to say! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

GRACE
. I am quite in earnest about them too, though you are not. That is why I will never marry a man I love too much. It would give him a terrible advantage over me: I should be utterly in his power. Thats what the New Woman is like. Isnt she right, Mr Philosopher?

CHARTERIS
. The struggle between the Philosopher and the Man is fearful, Grace. But the Philosopher says you are right.

GRACE
. I know I am right. And so we must part.

CHARTERIS
. Not at all. You must marry some one else; and then I'll come and philander with you.
Sylvia comes back
.

SYLVIA
[
holding the door open
] Oh, I say: come along. I'm starving.

CHARTERIS
. So am I. I'll lunch with you if I may.

SYLVIA
. I thought you would. Ive ordered soup for three. [
Grace passes out. Sylvia continues, to Charteris
] You can watch Paramore from our table: he's pretending to read the British Medical Journal; but he must be making up his mind for the plunge: he looks green with nervousness. [
She goes out
].

CHARTERIS
. Good luck to him! [
He follows her
].

The library remains unoccupied for ten minutes
.

Then Julia, angry and miserable, comes in from the dining
room, followed by Craven. She crosses the room tormentedly, and throws herself into a chair
.

CRAVEN
[
impatiently
] What is the matter? Has every one gone mad today? What do you mean by suddenly getting up from the table and tearing away like that? What does Paramore mean by reading his paper, and not answering when he's spoken to? [
Julia writhes impatiently
]. Come, come [
tenderly
]: wont my pet tell her own Daddy what – [
irritably
] what the devil is wrong with everybody. Do pull yourself together, Julia, before Cuthbertson comes. He's only paying the bill: he'll be here in a moment.

JULIA
. I couldnt bear it any longer. Oh, to see them sitting there at lunch together, laughing, chatting, making game of me! I should have screamed out in another moment. I should have taken a knife and killed her. I should have –

Cuthbertson appears, stuffing the luncheon bill into his waistcoat pocket as he comes to them. He begins speaking the moment he enters
.

CUTHBERTSON
. I'm afraid youve had a very poor lunch, Dan. It's disheartening to see you picking at a few beans, and drinking soda water. I wonder how you live!

JULIA
. Thats all he ever takes, Mr Cuthbertson, I assure you. He hates to be bothered about it.

CRAVEN
. Wheres Paramore?

CUTHBERTSON
. Reading his paper. I asked him wasnt he coming; but he didnt hear me. It's amazing how anything scientific absorbs him. Clever man! Monstrously clever man!

CRAVEN
[
pettishly
] Oh yes, thats all very well, Jo; but it's not good manners at table: he should shut up the shop sometimes. Heaven knows I am only too anxious to forget his science, since it has pronounced my doom. [
He sits down with a melancholy air
].

CUTHBERTSON
[
compassionately
] You mustnt think about that, Craven: perhaps he was mistaken. [
He sighs deeply and sits down
]. But he certainly is a very clever fellow. He thinks twice before he commits himself.

They sit in silence, full of gloom. Suddenly Paramore enters, pale and in the utmost disorder, with The British Medical Journal in his clenched hand. They rise in alarm. He tries to speak, but chokes, clutching at his throat, and staggers. Cuthbertson quickly takes his chair and places it behind Paramore, who sinks into it as they crowd about him, Craven at his right shoulder, Cuthbertson on his left, and Julia behind
.

CRAVEN
. Whats the matter, Paramore?

JULIA
. Are you ill?

CUTHBERTSON
. No bad news, I hope?

PARAMORE
[
despairingly
] The worst of news! Terrible news! Fatal news! My disease –

CRAVEN
[
quickly
] Do you mean my disease?

PARAMORE
[
fiercely
] I mean my disease: Paramore's disease: the disease I discovered: the work of my life! Look here [
he points to the journal with a ghastly expression of horror
]! If this is true, it was all a mistake: there is no such disease.

Cuthbertson and Julia look at one another, hardly daring to believe the good news
.

CRAVEN
[in
strong remonstrance
] And you call this bad news! Now really, Paramore –

PARAMORE
[
cutting him short hoarsely
] It's natural for you to think only of yourself. I dont blame you: all invalids are selfish. Only a scientific man can feel what I feel now. [
Writhing under a sense of intolerable injustice
] It's the fault of the wickedly sentimental laws of this country. I was not able to make experiments enough: only three dogs and a monkey. Think of that, with all Europe full of my professional rivals! men burning to prove me wrong! There is freedom in France: enlightened republican France! One Frenchman experiments on two hundred monkeys to disprove my theory. Another sacrifices £36 – three hundred dogs at three francs apiece – to upset the monkey experiments. A third proves them both wrong by a single experiment in which he gets the temperature of a camel's liver sixty degrees below zero. And now comes this cursed
Italian who has ruined me. He has a government grant to buy animals with, besides having the run of the largest hospital in Italy. [
With desperate resolution
] But I wont be beaten by any Italian. I'll go to Italy myself. I'll rediscover my disease: I know it exists; I feel it; and I'll prove it if I have to experiment on every mortal animal thats got a liver at all. [
He folds his arms and breathes hard at them
].

CRAVEN
[
his sense of injury growing on him
] Am I to understand, Paramore, that you took it on yourself to pass sentence of death on me: yes, of Death! on the strength of three dogs and an infernal monkey?

PARAMORE
[
utterly contemptuous of Craven's narrow personal view of the matter
] Yes. That was all I could get a license for.

CRAVEN
. Now upon my soul, Paramore, I'm vexed at this. I dont wish to be unfriendly; but I'm extremely vexed, really. why, confound it, do you realize what youve done? Youve cut off my meat and drink for a year! made me an object of public scorn! a miserable vegetarian and teetotaller.

PARAMORE
[
rising
] Well, you can make up for lost time now. [
Bitterly, shewing Craven the journal
] There! you can read for yourself. The camel was fed on beef dissolved in alcohol; and he gained half a ton on it. Eat and drink as much as you please. [
Still unable to stand without support, he makes his way past Cuthbertson to the revolving bookcase, and stands there with his back to them, leaning on it with his head in his hands
].

CRAVEN
[
grumbling
] Oh yes: it's very easy for you to talk, Paramore. But what am I to say to the Humanitarian societies and the Vegetarian societies that have made me Vice President?

CUTHBERTSON
[
chuckling
] Aha! You made a virtue of it, did you, Dan?

CRAVEN
[
warmly
] I made a virtue of necessity, Jo. No one can blame me.

JULIA
[
soothing him
] Well, never mind, Daddy. Come back
to the dining room, and have a good beefsteak.

CRAVEN
[
shuddering
] Ugh! [
Plaintively
] No: Ive lost my old manly taste for it. My very nature's been corrupted by living on pap. [
To Paramore
] Thats what comes of all this vivisection. You go experimenting on horses; and of course the result is that you try to get me into condition by feeding me on beans.

PARAMORE
[
curtly, without changing his position
] Well, if theyve done you good, so much the better for you.

CRAVEN
[
querulously
] Thats all very well: but it's very vexing. You dont half see how serious it is to make a man believe that he has only another year to live: you really dont, Paramore: I cant help saying it. Ive made my will, which was altogether unnecessary; and Ive been reconciled to a lot of people I'd quarrelled with: people I cant stand under ordinary circumstances. Then Ive let the girls get round me at home to an extent I should never have done if I'd had my life before me. Ive done a lot of serious thinking and reading and extra church going. And now it turns out simple waste of time. On my soul, it's too disgusting: I'd far rather die like a man when I said I would.

PARAMORE
[
as before
] Perhaps you may. Your heart's shaky, if thats any satisfaction to you.

CRAVEN
[
offended
] You must excuse me, Paramore, if I say that I no longer feel any confidence in your opinion as a medical man. [
Paramore's eye flashes: he straightens himself and listens
]. I paid you a pretty stiff fee for that consultation when you condemned me; and I cant say I think you gave me value for it.

PARAMORE
[
turning and facing Craven with dignity
] Thats unanswerable, Colonel Craven. I shall return the fee.