Plays Unpleasant (21 page)

CHARTERIS
[
surprised, looking at Craven and realizing his distress with genuine concern
] I'm very sorry. Come, Craven: dont take it to heart. [
Craven shakes his head
]. I assure you it means nothing: it happens to me constantly.

CUTHBERTSON
. There is only one excuse for you. You are not fully responsible for your actions. Like all advanced people, you have got neurasthenia.

CHARTERIS
[
appalled
] Great Heavens! whats that?

CUTHBERTSON
. I decline to explain. You know as well as I do. I'm going downstairs now to order lunch. I shall order it for three; but the third place is for Paramore, whom I have invited, not for you. [
He goes out through the dining room door
].

CHARTERIS
[
putting his hand on Craven's shoulder
] Come, Craven: advise me. Youve been in this sort of fix yourself probably.

CRAVEN
. Charteris: no woman writes such a letter to a man unless he has made advances to her.

CHARTERIS
[
mournfully
] How little you know the world, Colonel! The New Woman is not like that.

CRAVEN
. I can only give you very oldfashioned advice, my boy; and that is that it's well to be off with the Old Woman before youre on with the New. I'm sorry you told me. You might have waited for my death: it's not far off now. [
His head droops again
].

Julia and Paramore come in from the staircase. Julia stops as she catches sight of Charteris, her face clouding, and her breast heaving. Paramore, seeing the Colonel apparently ill, hurries down to him with his bedside manner in full play
.

CHARTERIS
[
seeing Julia
] Oh, Lord! [
He retreats under the lee of the revolving bookstand
].

PARAMORE
[
sympathetically to the Colonel, taking his wrist, and beginning to count his pulse
] Allow me.

CRAVEN
[
looking up
] Eh? [
He withdraws his hand and rises rather crossly
]. No, Paramore: it's not my liver now: it's private business.

A chase begins between Julia and Charteris, all the more exiting to them because the huntress and her prey alike must conceal the real object of their movements from the others. Charteris first makes for the staircase door. Julia immediately retreats to it, barring his path. He doubles back round the bookstand, setting it whirling as he makes for the other door, Julia crossing in pursuit of him. He is about to escape when he is cut off by the return of Cuthbertson. Turning back, he sees Julia close upon him. There being nothing else for it, he bolts into the recess on Ibsen's left
.

CUTHBERTSON
. Good morning, Miss Craven. [
They shake hands
]. Wont you join us at lunch? Paramore's coming too.

JULIA
. Thanks: I shall be very pleased. [
She strolls with affected purposelessness towards the recess. Charteris, almost trapped in it, crosses to the opposite recess by way of the fender, knocking down thefireirons with a crash as he does so
].

CRAVEN
[
who has crossed to the whirling bookcase and stopped it
] What the dickens are you doing there, Charteris?

CHARTERIS
. Nothing. It's such a confounded room to get about in.

JULIA
[
maliciously
] Yes: isnt it? [
She is about to move to guard the staircase door when Cuthbertson offers her his arm
].

CUTHBERTSON
. May I take you down?

JULIA
. No, really: you know it's against the rules of the club to coddle women in any way. Whoever is nearest the door goes first.

CUTHBERTSON
. Oh, well, if you insist. Come, gentlemen: let us go to lunch in the Ibsen fashion: the unsexed fashion. [
He turns and goes out, followed by Paramore, who raises his politest consulting-room laugh. Craven goes last
].

CRAVEN
[
at the door, gravely
] Come, Julia.

JULIA
[
with patronizing affection
] Yes, Daddy dear, presently. Dont wait for me: I'll come in a moment. [
The Colonel hesitates
]. It's all right, Daddy.

CRAVEN
[
very gravely
] Dont be long, my dear. [
He goes out
].

CHARTERIS
. I'm off. [
He makes a dash for the staircase door
].

JULIA
[
darting at him and seizing his wrists
] Arnt you coming?

CHARTERIS
. No. Unhand me, Julia. [
He tries to get away
:

she holds him
]. If you dont let me go, I'll scream for help.

JULIA
[
reproachfully
] Leonard! [
He breaks away from her
]. Oh, how can you be so rough with me, dear! Did you get my letter?

CHARTERIS
. Burnt it –

Julia turns away, struck to the heart, and buries her face in her hands
.

CHARTERIS
[
continuing
] – along with hers.

JULIA
[
quickly turning again
] Hers! Has she written to you?

CHARTERIS
. Yes: to break off with me on your account!

JULIA
[
her eyes gleaming
] Ah!

CHARTERIS
. You are pleased. Wretch! Now you have lost the last scrap of my regard. [
He turns to go, but is stopped by the return of Sylvia. Julia turns away and stands pretending to read a paper which she picks up from the table
].

SYLVIA
[
offhandedly
] Hallo Charteris! how are you getting on? [
She takes his arm familiarly, and walks down the room with him
] Have you seen Grace Tranfield this morning? [
Julia drops the paper, and comes a step nearer to listen
]. You generally know where she's to be found.

CHARTERIS
. I shall never know any more, Sylvia. She's quarrelled with me.

SYLVIA
. Sylvia! How often am I to tell you that I am not Sylvia at the club?

CHARTERIS
. I forgot. I beg your pardon, Craven, old chap [
slapping her on the shoulder
].

SYLVIA
. Thats better. A little overdone, but better.

JULIA
. Dont be a fool, Silly.

SYLVIA
. Remember, Julia, if you please, that here we are members of the club, not sisters. I dont take liberties with you here on family grounds: dont you take any with me. [
She goes to the settee, and resumes her former place
].

CHARTERIS
. Quite right, Craven. Down with the tyranny of the elder sister!

JULIA
. You ought to know better than to encourage a child to make herself ridiculous, Leonard, even at my expense.

CHARTERIS
[
seating himself on the edge of the table
] Your lunch will be cold, Julia.

Julia is about to retort furiously when she is checked by the reappearance of Cuthbertson at the dining room door
.

CUTHBERTSON
. What has become of you, Miss Craven? Your father is getting quite uneasy. We're all waiting for you.

JULIA
. So I have just been reminded, thank you. [
She goes out angrily past him, Sylvia looking round to see
].

CUTHBERTSON
[
looking first after her, then at Charteris
] More neurasthenia! [
He follows her
].

SYLVIA
[
jumping up on her knees on the settee, and speaking over the back of it
] Whats up, Charteris? Julia been making love to you?

CHARTERIS
[
speaking to her over his shoulder
] No. Jealous of Grace.

SYLVIA
. Serve you right. You are an awful devil for philandering.

CHARTERIS
[
calmly
] Do you consider it good club form to talk that way to a man who might nearly be your father?

SYLVIA
[
knowingly
] Oh, I know you, my lad.

CHARTERIS
. Then you know that I never pay any special attention to any woman.

SYLVIA
[
thoughtfully
] Do you know, Leonard, I really believe you. I dont think you care a bit more for one woman than for another.

CHARTERIS
. You mean I dont care a bit less for one woman than another.

SYLVIA
. That makes it worse. But what I mean is that you never bother about their being only women: you talk to them just as you do to me or any other fellow. Thats the secret of your success. You cant think how sick they get of being treated with the respect due to their sex.

CHARTERIS
. Ah, if Julia only had your wisdom, Craven! [
He gets off the table with a sigh, and perches himself reflectively on the step-ladder
].

SYLVIA
. She cant take things easy: can she, old man? But dont you be afraid of breaking her heart: she gets over her little tragedies. We found that out at home when our great sorrow came.

CHARTERIS
. What was that?

SYLVIA
. I mean when we learned that poor papa had Paramore's disease.

CHARTERIS
. Paramore's disease! Why, whats the matter with Paramore?

SYLVIA
. Oh, not a disease that he suffers from, but one that he discovered.

CHARTERIS
. The liver business?

SYLVIA
. Yes: thats what made Paramore's reputation, you know. Papa used to get bad occasionally; but we always thought that it was partly his Indian service, and partly his eating and drinking too much. He used to wolf down a lot in those days, did Dad. The doctor never knew what was wrong with him until Paramore discovered a dreadful little microbe in his liver. There are forty millions of them to every square inch of liver. Paramore discovered them first; and now he declares that everybody should be inoculated against them as well as vaccinated. But it was too late to inoculate poor papa. All they could do was to prolong his life for two years more by putting him on a strict diet. Poor old boy! they cut off his liquor; and he's not allowed to eat meat.

CHARTERIS
. Your father appears to me to be uncommonly well.

SYLVIA
. Yes: you would think he was a great deal better. But the microbe is at work, slowly but surely. In another year it will be all over. Poor old Dad! it's unfeeling to talk about him in this attitude: I must sit down properly. [
She comes down from the settee, and takes the chair near the bookstand
].
I should like papa to live for ever just to take the conceit out of Paramore. I believe he's in love with Julia.

CHARTERIS
[
starting up excitedly
] In love with Julia? A ray of hope on the horizon! Do you really mean it?

SYLVIA
. I should think I do. Why do you suppose he's hanging about the club today in a beautiful new coat and tie instead of attending to his patients? That lunch with Julia will finish him. He'll ask Daddy's consent before they come back: I'll bet you three to one he will, in anything you please.

CHARTERIS
. Gloves?

SYLVIA
. No: cigarets.

CHARTERIS
. Done! But what does she think about it? Does she give him any encouragement?

SYLVIA
. Oh, the usual thing. Enough to keep any other woman from getting him.

CHARTERIS
. Just so. I understand. Now listen to me: I am going to speak as a philosopher. Julia is jealous of everybody: everybody. If she saw you flirting with Paramore she'd begin to value him directly. You might play up a little, Craven, for my sake: eh?

SYLVIA
[
rising
] Youre too awful, Leonard. For shame! However, anything to oblige a fellow Ibsenite. I'll bear your affair in mind. But I think it would be more effective if you got Grace to do it.

CHARTERIS
. Think so? Hm! perhaps youre right.

THE PAGE
[
outside as before
] Dr Paramore, Dr Paramore, Dr Paramore –

SYLVIA
. They ought to get that boy's voice properly cultivated: it's a disgrace to the club. [
She goes into the recess on Ibsen's left
].

The page enters, carrying the British Medical Journal
.

CHARTERIS
[
calling to the page
] Dr Paramore is in the dining room.

THE PAGE
. Thank you, sir. [
He is about to go into the dining room when Sylvia swoops on him
].

SYLVIA
. Here: where are you taking that paper? It belongs to this room.

THE PAGE
. It's Dr Paramore's particular orders, miss. The British Medical Journal has always to be brought to him dreckly it comes.

SYLVIA
. What cheek! Charteris: oughtnt we to stop this on principle?

CHARTERIS
. Certainly not. Principle's the poorest reason I know for making yourself nasty.

SYLVIA
. Bosh! Ibsen!

CHARTERIS
[
to the page
] Off with you, my boy: Dr Paramore's waiting breathless with expectation.

THE PAGE
[
seriously
] Indeed, sir? [
He hurries off
].

CHARTERIS
. That boy will make his way in this country. He has no sense of humor.