Playing the Game (18 page)

I picked up my napkin, fiddling with it,
folding it and unfolding it on top of the table. My hands were too
dangerous underneath the table as they itched to rest on Jess’s
thigh.

“
So, Aubrey,” Kendra said.
“What are you doing tomorrow night? Have you decided
yet?”

“
Oh, we’ve chosen
Wind Beneath My Wings
by
Bette Midler,” Mom chirped.

I dropped my napkin and gaped at her.

“
You’ve
chosen,” I blurted. The tension was just too much
for my mouth. “I am not doing that song. I told you what I was
doing.”

She set her lips in a thin line, aware of
the immediate silence surrounding our table. “We’ll talk about this
tonight.”

“
No, we’re not.” I was
surprised at how firm I sounded. “I’ve already decided. This is
what I want to do.”

“
What song?” Kendra asked,
trying to relieve the awkwardness.

“
It’s an older song,” I
explained as I told her the title. “But I like the
sound.”

“
Aubrey Rose, are
you
trying
to
lose?” my mother asked.

I looked into her eyes, seeing all her hopes
and dreams, but I couldn’t let the guilt rule me now.

“
I don’t really care,” I
whispered. She heard me.

“
I can’t believe this,”
she muttered, looking away in disgust.

Jess’s hand squeezed my thigh and I jumped.
I looked at him but he was watching my mother.

“
So, Dane and I are having
a baby,” Gwen blurted in such a nonchalant, casual tone.

My mother, who’d opened her mouth to berate
me, gaped like a fish out of water. Standing, she set her napkin
carefully on the table.

“
I apologize but I am not
in the mood to celebrate tonight. Mitchell, you can bring Aubrey
home in your car.” And, turning on her heel, she strolled out of
the restaurant.

As the blood drained from my face, Jess’s
arm wound around my shoulders, giving them a slight squeeze. I
didn’t care that he didn’t want me – he was comforting me and
that’s what I needed.

My father was on his feet, hugging Gwen and
mopping the tears that fell without shame on his cheeks. He shook
Dane’s hand enthusiastically before hugging and kissing Gwen again.
The waitress appeared with our food, confused by my mother’s abrupt
exit. Dad asked if she’d wrap it to go so he could take it home for
her.

The mood had lifted with Gwen’s announcement
and I couldn’t stop smiling at her. She winked at me as love and
affection welled up inside my heart.

But guilt nibbled on the back of my brain,
especially when my eyes fell on my mother’s empty chair. I’d hurt
her and Gwen had hurt her while trying to protect me.

It was time, I decided, to get a life. I
would finish the competition and come what may, win or lose; I
would start my life when it was over.

My dad, Jess, and Dane argued over the bill
and once they settled it, Jess asked if he could drive me home. I
agreed, knowing I had a few things to explain to him. Then maybe I
could let him go.

“
I’m sorry about your
mom,” he said once we were on the road. “But you do need to stand
up to her.”

“
I know, Jess,” I said.
“You’ve been telling me that since I met you.”

My less than friendly tone caused him to set
his lips in a tight line and clench his jaw. He kept his eyes on
the road and his hands to himself as he drove. I sat as close to
the door as possible, afraid to touch him even accidentally. But I
couldn’t let him take me home yet. I needed to get a few things off
my chest.

“
Jess, can we go somewhere
to talk?”

“
Sure,” he said. When he
exited the highway, I realized he was taking me to his house. That
was fine with me. At least we wouldn’t be interrupted.

We pulled into his driveway after a very
uncomfortable, silent ride. He settled us on the sofa once he let
us in and looked at me, waiting for me to start.

“
Um...”

“
That song was about us,
wasn’t it?” he asked so quietly that I had to strain to hear
him.

“
Sort of,” I
admitted.

Nodding, he got to his feet. He walked to
the fireplace and rested an arm on the mantle. “Damn it, Aubrey. I
thought I was the mature one here. I thought for sure that I was
doing what was best for you but then you have to sing that damn
song. And then you start standing up to your mother to show her you
can be your own person and you suck me in all the more.” He pinched
the bridge of his nose and turned his back on me. “I don’t know
what to do about you.”

"What do you mean?"

Slumping, he released a long breath. "Do you
think it was easy for me to let you go? Do you think that it
doesn't bother me?"

"I don't know what to think," I said.

"I try to keep away from you. I try not to
touch you or…anything," he said, his voice low. "But I can't. I
can't stay away from you even though it's probably for the
best."

I tiptoed to him and rested a light hand on
the small of his back. “Then don't. We can make this work.”

He sighed, slouching his shoulders. Turning,
he collected me in his arms. “What do you want?”

“
You,” I muttered into his
chest.

He chuckled but it wasn’t genuine. “Besides
me. What do you want out of your life? I can’t be your everything,
Aubrey. You have to have a life other than me.”

I nestled my cheek against his chest and
snaked my arms around his waist. He held me tighter. “I’m not
exactly sure at this moment but I’m honestly working on it. I do
have a plan, you know.”

His arms froze momentarily before edging me
back to peer into my face. “You do?” I nodded, a hopeful smile
playing with my lips. “Care to share?”

“
Not yet,” I said. “I have
to work it out for myself first.”

His face softened as he kissed my forehead.
“You are growing up, huh? Developing a backbone.”

“
You were right,” I
whispered.

“
What about your
mom?”

“
That’s something else I
need to work out. Something between her and I.”

He cocked his head, curiosity raging inside
his eyes. “Oh?”

“
Yeah. Something that’s
driven me all these years but I realize that it was the wrong sort
of force, if that makes sense.” I sighed as I leaned into him. “I
do like to sing but that’s not all that I am. I will do my absolute
best tomorrow night but winning this competition isn’t the most
important thing in the world to me.” My heart heaved a sigh of
relief at finally admitting aloud what had always been locked away
inside.

“
I’m proud of you,
Aubrey,” Jess whispered in my hair. He dropped his arms and took my
hands. “Do you want to stay with me tonight?”

A wry smile touched my face. “I thought you
didn’t want me? I thought it was the best thing for me?”

Grabbing my face, he kissed me with a
fierceness I didn’t recognize.

“
I’m not always right,” he
murmured against my mouth.

My smile widened as he kissed me again. My
arms wound around his neck as my body instinctively moved closer.
It cried out to me, telling me to let him carry me down the hall
and have his way with me. But I resisted, though it wasn’t
easy.

“
I have to go home,” I
sighed as I broke the kiss. “I have to practice
tonight.”

He inhaled deeply and nodded, taking my hand
to lead me to the door. “Okay. Maybe tomorrow night, huh? Break’s
over Friday, you know.”

“
Definitely,” I grinned.
He opened the truck door and helped me in. My heart danced as he
started the engine and drove down the dark roads. He held my hand
all the way to my house and when he pulled in the drive, my
happiness ebbed away like a tide. I still had to deal with my
mother.

He yanked me to his chest, placing a gentle
kiss on my lips.

“
Go easy on her but don’t
let her guilt you into anything. Got it?”

I agreed, eager for him to kiss me again. He
obliged. His lips left mine to trail up my jaw and to my ear.

“
I do love you, Aubrey,”
he whispered then leaned over me to open the door.

I bounded into the house.

***

Sitting before my locker in the dressing
room, I fiddled nervously with my hands. I wasn’t overly concerned
with my music – I’d rehearsed last night but it was one of my
favorite songs so I knew it rather well.

I wasn’t concerned with my clothes, either,
as I was wearing the same sort of thing I’d worn the night before –
something I’d be comfortable in and was more ‘me’.

I wasn’t concerned with the hateful sneers
Samantha threw at me every chance she got at all. I could care less
what she thought of me or even if she thought she could sabotage me
in any way. I wasn’t desperate to win. It would be nice, but it
wasn’t my heart’s desire. I smiled a little. I’d gotten my heart’s
desire last night when Jess gave in to me with a kiss. He never was
one to mince words.

Last night, as I sang the
words over and over, I decided that I would put my plan into motion
once the competition was finished. Maybe it would work and maybe
not. But it was what
I
wanted for
me
.

What did worry me was my mother. She’d
locked herself in her bedroom last night and hadn’t come out yet.
She wasn’t at the studio with me and I didn’t think she’d be in the
audience, either. I knew I’d hurt her and I even understood why –
even if no one else did – but I thought she’d want to be a part of
this. Obviously I was wrong.

The show was a long, drawn out affair. We
had to endure tapes of our previous performances. We were forced to
sit together on some sort of sofa contraption and smile as the host
ranted and raved.

Finally, Gary was allowed to perform and
perform he did. He sang a country number, one made famous by Alan
Jackson, and was rewarded with wild cheers and applause. The judges
gave him their opinions, lavishing praise on him. Even Richard and
Marissa enjoyed it. I agreed that he did an excellent job but for
Richard and Marissa to compliment him so fervently - I had a
sneaking suspicion they were instructed to do that in order to
build the anticipation.

I was up next and I ignored the lights,
cameras, judges, and audience again as I sang my heart out. I sang
the words that meant something to me – reminded me in a way of my
own life. I let the world around me disappear as I sang, meaning
every single word that fell from my lips.

When I finished, the roar surrounding me
woke me from my stupor. I couldn’t hold back the smile as I knew,
without a doubt, that Jess was in that audience cheering for me,
too. Once the audience died down, I stood in front of the panel and
awaited my fate.

The first three, naturally, were excited and
showered me with praise. Marissa nodded with pursed lips. “Great
song and you performed it flawlessly. I loved it.”

Shocked at her brief remarks, I turned to
Richard. He was actually grinning. “I have a feeling the sweetheart
image was a ruse.”

I shrugged, stiffening my spine. “I didn’t
choose it.”

He laughed. “I know. You’ve struggled to get
out from under that from the get go. I very much enjoyed your
performance tonight. You’ve got attitude and it showed. I don’t
think you performed with as much heart as last night but I am
extremely ecstatic to see your personality shine through.”

I was allowed to escape to
the couch were Gary and Samantha congratulated me with false
enthusiasm. Samantha rose to prepare for her turn. She chose Joan
Jett’s version of
I Love Rock N
Roll
and had nearly the entire house on
its feet. I was certain my group sat rebelliously in their seats.
But Samantha nailed it perfectly and a smidgen of worry gnawed at
my heart. She was a natural talent and certainly the world – or at
least the viewing audience- would see it.

She finished to rave reviews and returned to
Gary and me. We congratulated her warmly – the cameras were on
us.

The show cut to commercial and I sat with my
head bowed, wanting the entire escapade to finally be over. The
show resumed to more pomp and circumstance and video footage of the
competition. Finally, we were asked to step before the judges.

My heart pounded as my jelly legs walked me
to the edge of the stage. The audience voting was closed and being
tallied as the judges decided who they wanted to be the next
American Star.

Stephen Cashmain started. He assured us that
he loved us all very much but when he was forced to choose, he
would have to go with Samantha. She beamed at him and my heart
turned a little.

Sweet Chelsea was next and she hemmed and
hawed endlessly, big tears in her eyes. She sighed and whispered
Gary’s name before dropping her head to her hands. I bit my
lip.

With a grin, Big D leaned back in his chair.
“I’m picking my girl, Aubrey. Love the attitude, the hair,
everything.” He gave me a wink that lifted my heart.

Until we turned to Marissa. She eyed us all
as if we were in a police lineup and she had to identify the
suspect who had run over her beloved kitten with her grandmother’s
stolen scooter.

“
I agree that it should be
the three of you standing before us. Since the beginning of this
competition, I knew it’d come down to you three. But one of you has
been constant the entire time and that’s Samantha. I have to go
with her.”