Planet Janet in Orbit (3 page)

I swear you can’t turn your back on the Mad Cow for
ONE MINUTE
these days. While I was shopping, Willow came over from next door, chopped all the MC’s hair off and
DYED IT
!!! And not blonde or black or even what it used to be before it started going grey (mousy brown) like a normal person would. She dyed it
PINK
! I said didn’t she think she was a little old for pink hair, and she said you’re not old till you’re dead. (How some people delude themselves!) Then I said I thought the school had rules about things like that (I’ve certainly never had a teacher with pink hair!), and she said if I hadn’t noticed it’s
SUMMER
. I said how could I notice when I have to
WORK ALL THE TIME
? I reckon the MC’s going through her mid-life crisis now. D agrees. She says her uncle bought a sports car when he turned fifty. I said being seen in public with an old woman with pink hair is not the same as swanning round in a Jaguar. I wouldn’t mind that. Disha said I would if I’d been with her uncle – he backed it out of the showroom and straight into a police van.

The sales assistant I asked about stain-resistant shirts was well sarky. She wanted to know if I’d ever heard of soap and water. I said I just thought that since this is
THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY
and scientists can put human ears on mice, one of them might have come up with something more useful, like clothes that stay clean. She said I was in Top Shop not
The Twilight Zone
.

The MC came snooping round my room and noticed my new gear. She wanted to know where I got the money. I said Sigmund gave it to me. She said she thought he was meant to be broke. I said some people are willing to make sacrifices for their children.

I think I’m getting corns. As if I don’t suffer enough!

Disha had to go to a gathering of the clan today and none of the lads were home, so I broke down and went over to see Sigmund’s new flat. It’s in Kilburn, which, if you ask me, is one of the most depressing areas in London (and
not
in a
Spiritual Angst
sort of way, in a what’s-the-point-of-living sort of way – all cheap shops and
gloom
). Sigmund’s flat is in this old, grey building behind the bingo hall (see what I mean?). The intercom doesn’t work, the hall smells of damp, and the carpet on the stairs looks like it’s been there since World War I. Sigmund’s flat is at the top (needless to say, there is no lift). It took him a few minutes to get his breath back after we got up the stairs, and then he gave me the Grand Tour (which isn’t going to make Thomas Cook lose any sleep, believe me!). First stop was the hall (about the size of my wardrobe –
sans
the clothes and shoes, of course); next was the bedroom (and
BED ROOM
pretty much sums it up); after that came the sitting-room (ditto, an accurate description of what you can do in it); then the kitchen (stand-in, not eat-in); and finally the bathroom (the window’s
INSIDE
the shower!). All of the furniture came from Nan’s. The only remarkable thing in the entire flat was the pair of gold drop earrings on the shelf in the bathroom, where Sigmund keeps his rubber ducks (unless he’s started cross-dressing they definitely aren’t his, so he must already have a new girlfriend!). The entire tour took all of one minute. (It would’ve been even quicker if Sigmund had remembered the trick to opening the bedroom door.) And there isn’t any heating – unless you count the fireplace. He asked me what I thought of the flat and I said I was speechless, which he took as a compliment. Sigmund said he was lucky to get it at a price he could afford. I said I was surprised they hadn’t given it to him. The
GOOD NEWS
is that there’s no space for me to stay over. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s got bugs. Sigmund made me coffee in his new coffee-maker (it was a good thing I was there or he would’ve forgotten to put the water in!!!). My cup was from the Queen’s first jubilee and his was a souvenir from Blackpool (obviously it’s not just the furniture that came from Nan). The only thing he could find to eat were two stale chocolate biscuits. I said,
FOR ME
? You shouldn’t’ve gone to so much trouble! Sigmund lit up a fag with his coffee. I said I thought he’d given up smoking again, and he said that he had but there’s no way he can stick to it when he’s under so much stress. I said in that case maybe he should just admit that he’s never going to quit, since the only people who aren’t stressed are
dead
.

For once the MC was home when I got back. I said I thought Sigmund had a girlfriend and she said, “No change there then.” She wanted to know what the flat’s like. I said it’s like a squat – only he has to pay rent. She said he has no one to thank but himself. He made his bed and now he’s got to sleep in it. I said it wasn’t really a bed, it was Nan’s old army cot (does this mean Sigmund and his new girlfriend have to
DO IT
on the table? She must be a lot smaller than Mrs Kennedy!). All of this made me think. Only a few months ago Sigmund lived in a flat with central heating and beds and matching dinnerware, and now look at him! He’s only one step away from living in a doorway if you ask me.

Disha rang as soon as she got home from the relatives. I told her all about Sigmund and Kilburn and the possibility that he’ll end up sleeping in front of Marks and Sparks. D said that’s Life, isn’t it? You never know what’s going to happen next. I said I know that’s true in a general sense, but even Nan’s cat, Mr Kipling, could’ve told Sigmund what would happen if he got caught fooling around with Mrs Kennedy like that. Disha said the reason Sigmund didn’t think that sleeping with Mrs Kennedy would destroy his life is because nobody really believes they’re going to get caught. She said didn’t I remember that politician who dared the press to discover him fooling around and then took some blonde he wasn’t married to on his boat? She said it was all over the papers. She said it was a bit like me and the Anti-Barbie: I always give the old bag the
SAME EXCUSE
for not playing hockey and then I’m surprised when she doesn’t believe me. I said I didn’t think it was the same thing at all. I said I thought it was much more like people not giving up smoking (as Disha said she could do
WHENEVER
she wanted!), because even though the cigarette packets are plastered with warnings like
Danger of Death
, they think they’re not going to get cancer. Disha said that if I meant
her
, the only reason she didn’t quit was because she hadn’t realized how
HARD
it was going to be. I said I didn’t see why not – it’s not like she hadn’t been
TOLD
. Sigmund’s been giving up since I was in primary school.

Saduki’s got me working Mondays now too (I can’t refuse or he’ll stop asking – also, I’ve got to put something away so I can put Geek Boy’s money back before he returns from the Third World). So it was another day, another dozen enchiladas. The only good thing that happened was that I saw Ethan. I’m happy to tell you that, unlike the phoney Mexican and the Borstal Boys in the kitchen, Ethan shows
NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER
in Sky’s anatomy. In fact, he shows no interest in Sky
AT ALL
! (Because Sky thinks she’s the Sun to everybody else’s Planet, she always comes into the Staff Cupboard when we’re in there, making a big deal of getting her stuff out of her locker and banging on about how
HARD
she works. But Ethan pretty much ignores her.) Even today when she leaned over him to get something (and practically
SUFFOCATED
the poor bloke in breasts), he kept right on talking to
ME
!

Sigmund was let into the flat tonight because just as he was slouching off to the mean streets of Kilburn, Geek Boy rang up. Usually the male progeny doesn’t say more than three words a week, but when he’s ringing from
THOUSANDS
of miles away on
SOMEONE ELSE’S
phone bill he doesn’t shut up. Since the MC and Sigmund were fully occupied, I took the opportunity to have a long soak to try and ease my aching muscles. (Must ask Willow what essential oil is good for
Physical Torture
.) The parents were still on the phone when I got out of the bath. Not only that, but they’d opened a
BOTTLE OF WINE
!!! (In case you think this is normal procedure in the Bandry household, let me assure you that no one
HAS EVER
opened a bottle of wine because they were talking to
ME
!) So, of course, by the time they did finally hang up they forgot they only communicate in monosyllables now. Sigmund told the MC she was looking
TERRIFIC
(which is
NOT
what he said to me when my hair went red!), and the MC asked him how he was settling into his new flat. Except that they weren’t yelling at each other, it was almost like old times – the two of them
IGNORING ME
, as per usual. So I decided to join in the conversation. I asked how Justin liked South America, which seemed like a perfectly reasonable question to me. They both started laughing. I asked what was so funny about that, and the MC said only someone who had totally left the Earth’s orbit wouldn’t know where her only brother is. I said so long as he’s not near me, I don’t really care. Apparently he’s in Mexico. I said that was what I said: How does he like South America? Sigmund said Mexico isn’t
IN
South America. I said what did they do, move it? It’s
SOUTH OF THE BORDER
, isn’t it? The MC said maybe I should’ve done a GCSE in geography after all. I asked her if she was aware that drinking made her particularly unfunny. Vacated the premises
IMMEDIATELY
, of course. Looked Mexico up in my atlas. Unless the lads at
The Times
made a mistake, it looks as though Mexico isn’t in South America, after all – even though they do speak Spanish.

I knew the truce couldn’t last. They got into one of their screaming bouts and Sigmund left, slamming the door. He didn’t even bother saying goodbye to me, although I went all the way to Kilburn to see him yesterday (on the bus!!!). When I came out in search of sustenance, the MC told me what the fight was about (even though I hadn’t actually asked). Apparently she wanted some money from him and he said he didn’t have any, so she reminded him that he’d just given me a small fortune and he denied it. The MC says you can trust a thief but never a liar. I said that since Sigmund’s reputation as a liar has been pretty well established, she couldn’t say she hadn’t been warned.

Ethan said he really envies my brother. I said you mean because he’s related to me? And he laughed and
Gave Me a Hug
!!! It was
THE MOST AMAZING FEELING
I’ve ever experienced! A trillion stars exploded in my heart!
ELECTRICITY
flowed through every cell in my body (I’m certain I was
GLOWING
, but there isn’t a mirror in the Staff Cupboard, of course, so I couldn’t check). Now I know what people mean when they say they could
Die Happy
! I wanted him to
Hug Me For Ever
!!! I was so swept away by
Passion
that I sort of bounced off the wall when he let go, but I don’t think he noticed since he was still all wound up in Mexico. He wanted to know how long Geek Boy’s going to be away, and I said I reckoned he’d come back when he ran out of poor people to photograph. Ethan said he could be there
YEARS
in that case. Which is the best news I’ve had in months.

Nan came over tonight. You’d think a person’s mother would be on
his
side when his marriage breaks up, but not Nan. She says the day Sigmund moved out of hers was the happiest she’d been since D-Day. She says she thanks God every night for finally finding Sigmund a place to live. He was driving her nuts. She said she doesn’t know how the Mad Cow put up with him for so long.

D met me after work today so she could get a look at Ethan. Ethan got to his feet the instant we stepped through the Cupboard door (he’s not just another
Astoundingly Beautiful
face – he’s a
GENTLEMAN
as well, which makes a pleasant change from the teenage Neanderthals we normally associate with). We didn’t have much chance for a chat, though, because Sky barged in, and the Cupboard wasn’t big enough for the six of us (me, Disha, Ethan, Sky and Sky’s anatomy). Went home with Disha to discuss the situation. D was
TOTALLY
bowled over by Ethan. She wanted to know if I was
CERTAIN
he doesn’t have a girlfriend, since it’s hard to believe someone hasn’t snapped him up. I said he hasn’t been in London that long. And anyway, he’s obviously
DISCRIMINATING
and wouldn’t date someone just because her breasts are the size of a life-jacket. D says if he doesn’t ask me out soon, I should ask him. I said I’m still a bit
traumatized
from my experience with Elvin. D thinks I’m overreacting. She said that not only does Ethan not know my brother, but my brother’s in Mexico, so Ethan can’t be flirting with me because he wants to meet Justin. I said that was true, but being older and wiser does make one cautious. D doesn’t think that’s true. She says all being older and wiser means is you recognize your mistakes faster because you’ve made them before. Sometimes she’s so
DEEP
I think she must have had several past lives.

Sigmund was waiting for me like a lion waiting for an antelope when I got home tonight. He wanted to know why I told the MC he gave me money. I said I didn’t. I said she must have misunderstood me. So then he wanted to know what I
DID
say. I said I’d told her I’d borrowed it and she must’ve thought I meant from him. He said that wasn’t the way the MC told the story. I said well, you know what she’s like: she never really listens, does she.