Planet Janet in Orbit (10 page)

Sigmund refused to blow up my air bed on the grounds that a man who’s been smoking cigarettes for over thirty years needs all the breath he can get. I said he should’ve thought of that before he started. He said he wishes he had.

I’m having such a good time with the paternal parent that I’m beginning to think it’s almost too bad that Sigmund didn’t get a two-bedroom flat after all. It’s
v Peaceful and Quiet
here behind the bingo hall – though to be honest the West Bank would probably seem pretty
Peaceful and Quiet
without the Hotspurettes. Also, unlike Buskin’ Bob, Sigmund is still buying from Proctor & Gamble, Unilever, Coca-Cola, Colgate-Palmolive, Nestlé, etc., so he got all my favourite things in. And tonight he took me to a v cool restaurant (in Kilburn!) where we ate on this little indoor balcony. We played backgammon when we got back to the squat because he hasn’t got round to getting a telly yet. Since I had a few hours to spare, I asked Sigmund what he thought about someone not introducing her mates to her new boyfriend and vice versa. Sigmund wanted to know who we were talking about. I said just someone from school. He said you mean Disha? I said yes, otherwise known as
Zombie in Love
. Sigmund wanted to know if perhaps I was a little jealous. I said
NO
, I just found it distressing the way she was changing because she has a boyfriend – also, I didn’t think it was normal to keep him away from everybody else. Sigmund finally admitted that he thought it was a bit off too, especially for someone with Disha’s extrovert personality. He had a lot of psychobabble to back him up, of course. Is she afraid that he won’t like her friends and think less of her? Is she afraid that he might like her friends more than he likes her and think less of her? Is she
jealous and possessive
and doesn’t want to share him because of her own insecurity? None of this sounds like Disha to me. I’ve never known her to be
jealous
or
possessive
, and she isn’t insecure. She may not ooze confidence the way a slug oozes slime (as Catriona Hendley does) but she’s v together. Sigmund pointed out that I’d never seen her in this sort of situation before (which is true, of course – she’s always been completely sane). Was mulling over Sigmund’s words when the truth hit me the way an asteroid hits a planet! Maybe the reason D’s keeping Ethan to herself is because she feels guilty – you know, for more or less stealing him away from me. That would make sense. The magazines are right: it definitely helps to discuss things with someone else. I was really glad I had talked to Sigmund – even though he’s always wrong.

The Mad Cow was in the kitchen with Sappho and Mags when I got home (I made certain the Hotspurs were on their way to Oxford before I appeared!). I asked the MC how the weekend went, and she said it was fine. I know she was lying because Sappho patted the
MOUNTAIN
and said that after hearing about Lucrezia she almost hoped it would be a boy (which is the same as a normal woman saying she almost hoped it would be a woolly mammoth). The Mad Cow said the girls were v disappointed not to see me, and I said I was practically heartbroken. I said there’ll always be another weekend, and she said there would be. Not if I can help it, there won’t.

Someone should write to the Prime Minister and let him know that not all British Youth are disillusioned and apathetic about their education. My friends and I are absolutely
ECSTATIC
to be back at school again. Flynn and Marcus said that having nothing to do but play video games and watch telly is like having nothing to eat but crisps and sweets. David said he’s seriously thinking of dedicating himself to going to school
for the rest of his life
. He reckons that next to doing a mindless job (as in riding a chow mein scooter), going to school is like a holiday. Only Disha’s a bit down, because now that she’s at school all day and Ethan’s at work all night, she’s not going to see so much of him. I said she should take a photo of him – then she could see him whenever she wants. She said I’ll understand what it’s like when I
Fall in Love
myself (all I can say is I
sincerely
hope not!). But when Marcus asked her what she did with herself over the holiday, she went all coy and said oh, this and that. Flynn said he heard she was in
Love
with some Australian. Disha blushed and gave
ME
a look as if I’d told some government secret or something. David wanted to know when we were going to meet this Wizard of Oz. Disha gave me another accusatory look and said, “His name’s
ETHAN
and Janet’s met him.” David said he meant everybody else. Disha said Ethan works most nights, so it’s v difficult. Flynn said his bedtime isn’t nine any more, so he can’t see any problem – not unless this bloke’s a vampire.

Catriona Hendley had
THE MOST BRILLIANT HOLIDAY OF ANY HUMAN WHO EVER LIVED
(and, as per usual, was physically incapable of
NOT
talking about it). Last summer Catriona and Mummy and Daddy went to Canada (which, of course, was the most brilliant holiday ever
that year
!), but this summer they “did” Singapore, Malaysia, Fiji, Australia, Hawaii, Bali, etc. I said what did she “do”, bore them to death? Also as per usual, she ignored this barbed comment and banged on about where she went and what she did when she got there. She did yoga on a mountain top overlooking the ocean. She went swimming with dolphins. She went sailing and surfing. She watched the sun set over the rice paddies. She went topless on the tropical beaches of Kuta. Up until then everyone had been nodding and wishing she’d hurry up and finish, but when she said the bit about going topless, all the boys looked up with genuine interest (
AS IF
, right?). She told David that her holiday experience had given her a fuller understanding of Asian culture. David said his experience delivering cold rice and prawn crackers had given him a fuller understanding of Asian culture too. I noticed she didn’t mention anything about a
MAJOR ROMANCE
. This must be even more secret than I thought. Catriona Hendley doesn’t get so much as a new hair-clip without making certain everyone else knows about it. Reminded Disha that she’s got a Mission!

Had to go to the library after school to return some books from last term. (What a palaver! Mrs Higgle actually came into English
AFTER ME
! Everyone was shocked. I don’t think any of us have ever seen her
OUTSIDE
the library before!) Anyway, when I came out, Catriona was walking towards the main gate with Mr Plaget. I could tell she was still banging on about rice paddies at sunset because of the glazed look in his eyes. Mr Plaget saw me and asked if I’d had a good summer. (I reckoned it was a case of Janet to the rescue!) Normally I would’ve told him I’d had a v crap summer and was excruciatingly grateful to the State for giving me something to do other than work my toes
NUMB
, but since he was with Catriona I lied and said it was
ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT
.

Suggested to Disha that we have a really mega joint party to celebrate our birthdays (she’s 22 October and I’m 27 October) since seventeen’s practically eighteen (and eighteen’s just a step away from twenty-one, so it’s something to make a big deal of). Especially if Buskin’ Bob is right about the state of the world. If things are as bad as he says, there may not be anything to celebrate by the time we’re twenty-one. I also pointed out that it would be a perfect opportunity to introduce Ethan to everybody in a relaxed and casual way. She said he’d probably have to work that weekend. (So as well as being in
Love
she’s psychic, since no one actually picked a date!) She said anyway, she just wants to celebrate quietly with Ethan!!! I said hang on, what about me? We always do
something
together. She said not to be like that. I said
like
what
? And she said
YOU KNOW
(but I don’t, of course!). [Note to self: Isn’t it
ASTOUNDING
how small the world gets when your brain’s been fried by love?] So I’m having the party on my own. I’m going to invite
EVERYBODY
(even people I loathe, like Catriona Hendley). And since it’s so near to Hallowe’en I’m going to make it a fancy-dress party. The MC will only give me a pittance towards it, of course, so I’ll have to hit the Justin bank to get everything I’ll need. Does a day pass when I don’t
THANK GOD
that my brother’s gone to Mexico? Only when the Deadly Duo stay over.

BIG NEWS
at the Institution! The school’s been given a whack of lottery money and some of it’s going to the school magazine because Mr Cardogan – the head, otherwise known as Old Woolly Jumper – feels that there should be more to education than textbooks and tests (which is more than the government does!). So now, instead of coming out once a year, it’ll come out every
MONTH
like a proper journal. Ms Staples says this will mean a lot of work and
ENORMOUS
dedication, but she knows that we can do it. We’re having a meeting Friday afternoon to plan the layout, etc. Have decided that despite my many academic pressures I’m going to volunteer for either Editor-in-Chief or Fiction Editor. Ms Staples wanted to know if I’d written any more stories over the holiday and I told her I’d moved into poetry because I feel it’s more emotionally direct. She said she can’t wait to read some of my poems. Since I haven’t exactly written a whole poem yet, I said they’re still too rough to show.

Not only has
Love
destroyed Disha Paski’s ability to socialize and choose her own clothes, but it’s badly affected her investigative skills as well. She didn’t get
ANYTHING
out of Lila. She told Lila all about being in love with Ethan and then v casually mentioned that she’d heard Catriona was also in love. Lila wanted to know where she heard that. Disha said around. Lila said it was news to her. This is such
INCREDIBLY UNTYPICAL LILA BEHAVIOUR
that I can only assume there is something
REALLY
wrong with this bloke. Disha said maybe Lila was telling the truth and there isn’t any bloke. Maybe I mistook what Catriona said. I said there was nothing to mistake in
MUMMY AND DADDY WILL KILL ME IF THEY FIND OUT
. I said since the Hendleys are media people and
très
liberal and all, I reckon this could mean that he’s either
MUCH
OLDER
(like over twenty) or even that he’s
MARRIED
! Disha said not to get carried away. She said there could be
dozens
of reasons why Catriona doesn’t think her parents would approve. I said like what? He’s got two heads? He’s an arms dealer? He’s in prison? She said no – maybe he’s a squatter or a protestor or a Womble or an anarchist or something like that. Catriona does like to think of herself as being v cutting edge, doesn’t she? I said
A WOMBLE
? A Womble’s a fictional character that lives on Clapham Common. She said not that kind of Womble, the kind that wears a white boiler suit and goes to all the anti-globalization demos. (I could ask Buskin’ Bob for more details on this, of course, but I don’t like to encourage him.)

If the truly
Creative Soul
is destined to suffer then I must be the reincarnation of Leonardo da Vinci or someone like that, because I’ve certainly got the suffering bit down! Wait till you hear what’s happened
NOW
!!! We had this
GINORMOUS
meeting yesterday about what sort of magazine we want to have and what we’re going to call it and put in it, etc. (We’re calling it
Speak Out! The Students’ Voice
and we decided that it has to have a popular side as well as a cultural one or it’ll just end up underneath budgie poo.) After we decided all that, Ms Staples wanted to know if anyone was interested in the
V DEMANDING
job of Editor-in-Chief. Catriona Hendley’s hand shot up like it’d been fired from a missile launcher. Not only did Catriona
want
it, but she’d actually written a statement of Editorial Policy
AND
jotted down a few ideas
(three pages of them!!!). Ms Staples said she was impressed by Catriona’s organizational skills (being able to put on her make-up
AND
rule the world at the same time) and gave her the job. I could’ve argued, of course, but I decided to let Catriona have it. I don’t want to waste all
my
precious time
ORGANIZING
, mine is a creative not a managerial spirit, after all. I thought I might take the post of Fiction Editor instead but while I was still mulling it over, Ms Staples gave it to Flynn! So I volunteered to have my own column (which I reckon is almost as good as being an editor – maybe even better really since you don’t have to read a lot of other people’s work). I said I’d been thinking of doing a series of humorous articles on working as a waiter, which would give my fellow students a good laugh as well as a vivid idea of what it’s like in the world of the Wage Slave (and would make them as happy as I am not to be part of it). Ms Staples thought it was a brilliant idea but reckoned that it’s more a single article than a series. She said she wants me to be the main feature writer. That way I can do timely articles and interviews as well as humorous pieces. I know she meant this as a compliment and all, but being the main feature writer isn’t the same as being one of the editors or a regular columnist. I mean, I don’t get to make any decisions or tell anybody what to do, I just get to
WORK
. Ms Staples said a magazine is
NOTHING
without good writers. Big deal, right? I mean, the world is nothing without the people who clear the rubbish and sweep the streets, but you never hear about them, do you? All you hear about is the people who boss them around and make all the money. It’s the same with history. History’s all about kings and queens and generals – not about the people who built the palaces or did all the work in them or actually had their limbs blown off, etc., fighting the wars. I mean, you never see a blue plaque for a cook or a cleaner or the maid who emptied the bedpans, and yet what would’ve happened without them? (The Royal Family and their friends would’ve starved to death or died of the stench, that’s what would’ve happened!) I thanked Ms Staples and said I’d think it over.