Planet Janet in Orbit (17 page)

Flynn came round this evening to help me study for my driving theory test. We wound up in
HELPLESS FITS OF LAUGHTER
because some of the multiple-choice answers were so stupid (e.g. What should you do before you set out in the fog? – b: Top up the radiator with anti-freeze!). Also, I got a lot of the questions wrong. Flynn said, “For God’s sake, Janet, it’s always the first answer.” I said but that didn’t always seem right to me. Flynn said to think of the test like a school exam. They’re not asking you to think, just to memorize the right answer. Buskin’ Bob was watching the news (which, for Robert, is
NOT
a spectator sport – he actually talks back to the box!) when Flynn was leaving. No sooner had the door shut behind Flynn than Robert stopped arguing with the presenter to talk to me. He said, “So is Flynn your boyfriend?” (God knows why he’s obsessed with
MY
love life – you’d think he had enough to keep him busy with his own!) I said I’d already told him we were just good friends. He said we were laughing a lot. I said in my experience the sign of a relationship is when everybody
stops
laughing. Also, I think it’s v immature to jump to conclusions like that.

Went to the zoo with Marcus today. Marcus doesn’t like to go
INTO
the zoo because they’re too much like jails – though their standards are higher than human jails, of course – but you can see quite a bit from outside. We both like the elephants best. We were strolling back talking about Life, etc. when who did I spy with my little eye but Queen Catriona. She said she couldn’t stop to talk because she was meeting someone. I asked who. She said nobody I know and dashed off! I wanted to follow her. Marcus wanted to know why. I said so I could see who she was meeting. Marcus said, “Who cares who she’s meeting?” I said I did – in case it was Mr Plaget. Marcus said, “OK, I give up. Why would she be meeting Mr Plaget?” I told him my theory. Marcus thought this was possibly the funniest joke I’d ever made. He said sometimes he thinks I have a really interesting mind and sometimes he just thinks I’m not really from this planet. He said Mr Plaget has a girlfriend. I said it has been known for men to cheat on their girlfriends. Marcus said, “You haven’t met Mr Plaget’s girlfriend, have you?” [Note to self: How is it possible that men, who are prone to violence and a love of power, etc., can be so trusting and gullible at the same time?] By the time we finished this discussion the Hendley had vanished, of course. Marcus was relieved. He didn’t want to play spy, he wanted to get something to eat since it’d been at least three hours since his last
MAJOR
intake of food. So we headed for the high street. We were just about to go into a café when I heard what sounded like a sewing machine, and when I glanced round, Mr Plaget’s Beetle went past. I punched Marcus and said, “Do you see that? It’s Mr Plaget!” Marcus said, “So?” I said, “He’s obviously on his way to meet Catriona.” Marcus said he was going the wrong way. I’d never realized what a nit-picker he was before. (It’s just as well I don’t really fancy him!) Marcus said he’d decided that I
do
have an interesting mind, but only because I’m totally in orbit.

The MC waited till I got back from the zoo to tell me that Buskin’ Bob and the Deadly Duo were coming round to celebrate Hallowe’en with us. I said not
US
–
I’m going out. (We’re all going round to Flynn’s to watch horror videos and eat black and orange food. Except Disha, of course.) The MC said I wasn’t going anywhere until I’d taken Marcella and Lucrezia trick-or-treating! You could’ve knocked me over with a small pumpkin! I said I really would recommend hormonal treatment, as she’s obviously lost the plot in a major way. She said that was nothing to what I was going to lose if I didn’t do this. I said that frankly I was surprised Buskin’ Bob would let his daughters go out begging for sweets when there were so many starving children in the world. The MC told me to put a sock in it. Then I said that since Marcella looks like she’s going to be thirty on her next birthday I didn’t see why they needed me. The MC wasn’t having any of it. She said she doesn’t care how old Marcella looks, she’s only eleven and there’s no way she and Lucrezia are roaming around London on their own. Rang Marcus for support, since I reckoned Flynn would be busy with the orange food-colouring. Marcus said we should wear our
Matrix
costumes for a laugh. Marcella was dressed as Morgan le Fey (what else, right?) and Lucrezia was a unicorn. (Marcus was v admiring of her head, which, amazingly enough, Buskin’ Bob made!) Since there are always tons of people in our neighbourhood dressed in black and metal I don’t think anybody noticed that Marcus and I were in costume, but everybody noticed the Deadly Duo. (Heads
TURNED
!) Even though Marcella talked the whole time about her friends at school (yawn yawn!) and Lucrezia kept walking into things because she couldn’t actually
SEE
out of the unicorn head, we had a good time because Marcus had us all laughing. (If I’m ever on
Death Row
or something like that I hope Marcus is with me, or at least that he’s a regular visitor.) And the Deadly Duo made out like corporate executives. Even people who didn’t know it was
Hallowe’en
went scuttling off to find them something when they saw them. Marcus reckoned we should hit the goth hang-out before we took them back because the goths are v into Hallowe’en on a permanent basis. I said that was fine with me. Ms Staples says you shouldn’t rely on coincidence when you write fiction, but, if you ask me,
LIFE
is built on coincidence. We were just about to turn off the high street when I saw a couple with their arms wrapped round each other going into the trendy pub on the corner. I
GASPED OUT LOUD
!!! Marcus said, “Now what?” I said, “Look over there! That’s the Wizard of Oz!” Marcus is an artist, so he has an eye for detail. Marcus said, “But that’s not Disha. It looks like that waitress from Durango.” It more than looked like her! It was Sky! I’d recognize that chest anywhere. Marcus said so, did Disha break up with the Wizard or something? I said not yet.

Was so distracted during the horror-film fest that I didn’t scream
ONCE
! How could I? Reality is much more terrifying than any special effects. What are ghouls dripping ectoplasm and axe-wielding psychopaths compared to discovering that your best friend’s boyfriend is a two-timing creep? Also, I was
TORN APART
by a Significant Moral Dilemma! Should I tell Disha about Ethan and Sky or not? I don’t want her to be the
LAST
to find out, but on the other hand I don’t want her to go into
DENIAL
(which Sigmund says is more common than the cold) and get angry with
ME
. Flynn, David, Alice and Siranee all agreed that Disha has a right to know if her boyfriend is two-timing her but they don’t think I should say anything. I said but you just said she should know the truth!!! Alice said that was just the point – I don’t know what the truth is. All I have is circumstantial evidence. I pointed out that
A LOT
of people have been electrocuted on circumstantial evidence, and Alice said but not in Britain. I then reminded them that I had more than circumstantial evidence – I had a
WITNESS
!!! But the pressure to conform is obviously more
POWERFUL
than the truth. Even though he’d seen
EXACTLY WHAT I SAW
, Marcus sided with the others! He said he knows how it
looked
but that doesn’t mean that’s how it
is
. It could have been completely innocent. I said but it could also have been completely
GUILTY
. Marcus said that’s why he thinks I should have more proof before I get Disha all wound up. But it doesn’t stop there! Flynn insisted on driving me home. In case you think this was because he’s concerned for my safety and would be devastated if I became a Crime Statistic, it wasn’t. He wanted a Private Word! I said you mean you can’t stand it any more and want to confess your undying love for me? Flynn laughed. He said he thought I should chill out on the Disha thing. He said, “You know what you’re like, Janet!” I said, “No, what
AM I LIKE
?” He said I have the mind of a fiction writer not a journalist. I said and what’s wrong with
that
? Flynn said I have a
TENDENCY
to jump to conclusions. Like with Worried Mate’s letter. I said I didn’t jump to conclusions with that; I deduced. He said well, I deduced
WRONG
. He happens to know who wrote that letter and it wasn’t Lila. I said, “
OH, REALLY
? And how do you know that?” And he said, “
BECAUSE I WROTE IT
!!!” This time
I
laughed!!! I said and why would he do a thing like that? Apparently he was trying to
HELP ME
. Because I was so disappointed with the letters I was getting. I was practically struck dumb with shock and disbelief. I mean, just look at all the trouble he could’ve caused! (Perhaps Flynn’s not as
très
intelligent as I thought!) I said that from now on if I
WANT
his help I’ll be sure to ask him. I said also, that doesn’t change the fact that I
SAW
Ethan with another woman, does it? The Eyes Don’t Lie! Flynn said the Eyes Lie All the Time. He said he’d really like to visit my planet some time but he’s not sure that he’d want to live there.

Was still thinking about Disha when I went to bed. Tossed and turned all night long on a mattress of
worry and care
. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Should I? Shouldn’t I? Woke up exhausted. To show you how
ABSOLUTELY DESPERATE
I was, I actually brought it up over breakfast. Marcella was still in bed and Lucrezia was busy spreading organic butter on her toast (which takes hours because it
CAN’T
touch the crust and has to be completely even!), so I could actually get a few seconds of attention. I said Aunt K had a letter from a girl who’d seen her best friend’s boyfriend with another girl and didn’t know what to do. I said since Buskin’ Bob and the MC were both pretty old, I reckoned they might have some worthwhile advice (for a change!). Buskin’ Bob said it was a
tricky
problem (which was obviously
NEWS TO ME
). He said that just because you do something for a person’s own good doesn’t mean you’re going to be thanked. Aside from the fact that
I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW
what this girl saw (hah!!!), the friend could get more than she bargained for. Robert said that in ancient times they used to kill the bearer of bad news – which seems to me to be taking
DENIAL
a step too far! The MC was right behind him, of course. She wanted to know if I remembered the time Sigmund tried to help a woman who was being roughed up by her boyfriend at a bus stop and the two of them turned on him! (The answer to that question is:
NOT EVEN VAGUELY
!) I said so they were saying she shouldn’t tell her? The MC said no, what they were saying was that Don’t Know What to Do shouldn’t jump in boots and all the way I always do!!! She said Don’t Know should be aware that she might get a black eye for her trouble. Even though
I KNOW WHAT I SAW
, all this
NEGATIVITY
shook my confidence a bit. [Note to self: Do humans have basically the same nature as cows – stay with the herd and go where they go? How have we ever made any progress?!!]. Just in case I only
thought
I saw Ethan with Miss Bazooms, I asked Disha if she had a good time last night. D said in the end Ethan couldn’t get off work so she watched some crap on the box on her own. I said she should’ve come over to Flynn’s. She said and how was she meant to talk to Ethan when he rang her after his shift? I said had she thought of using her mobe? She said she knows how much that irks me.

The Hotspurettes
ARE STILL HERE
!!! I asked the MC when they were going home and she said
SUNDAY
. I said God knows why Buskin’ Bob thinks he doesn’t see enough of them – some of us see
FAR TOO MUCH
! The MC said they were staying for the Guy Fawkes party. I said what Guy Fawkes party? She said she’d told me. But she never did. The only things she tells
me
are what not to wear, eat, or wash my hair with. Apparently the whole clan’s coming – Nan, Sigmund, Willow, even Mags and Sappho (even though Sappho has
ALWAYS REFUSED
to participate in Guy Fawkes before because she thinks it’s barbaric to burn people in effigy – and also she thinks Guy Fawkes was set up and reckons it wouldn’t necessarily have been such a bad thing if his plot had succeeded because at least it would’ve spared the country James I). I said well, what a shame that I wasn’t going to be here for it since I already had plans. She said to change them – Marcus can come round here instead. I said what made her think it was Marcus I had plans with and she said it was one of her wild guesses.

Marcus didn’t even flinch when I asked him about coming round here. (Unlike most artists, he doesn’t shy away from family life.) He even turned up early because he didn’t want to miss anything! (He needn’t have worried.) All I can say is that if Guy Fawkes had had Lucrezia Hotspur on his team, the whole course of British history would’ve been different. You’d think a child who’s afraid of rain and getting so much as a
SMIDGEN
of butter on the edge of her toast would be terrified of fireworks, but, sadly, that isn’t the case. Lucrezia
LOVES
them. She loves them so much that while the rest of us were inside with the mulled wine (or fruit juice if you’re Marcella or Sappho) she decided to start without us. It’s amazing no one noticed she was gone (the lack of shrieking was a dead give-away!). The first we knew anything was amiss was when Nan went to fetch the box of fireworks (she’s always in charge because of her War Experiences) and she couldn’t find them. Sigmund asked if she was sure she’d looked in the right place, but Buskin’ Bob leaped to his feet like he was on springs, shouting, “
OH MY GOD
! Where’s Lucrezia?” We got to the garden just in time to see Mr Burl’s garden shed go up like a rocket. (Fortunately Mr Burl wasn’t home.) Mags and Marcus got it out before the fire brigade had to be called. Marcus said that’s what he loves about my family: there’s never a dull moment. I said maybe not, but there are a lot of dull hours, days, weeks, months and years.