Planet Janet (11 page)

Justin has a black eye. He won’t say how he got it. Probably walking into a lamp-post or something. He’s always hurting himself (last time it was a broken ankle). Not only is he the clumsiest thing on two feet, but he’s practically comatose most of the time. Sigmund said he hoped Justin wasn’t doing anything dangerous. Like what? Eating hamburgers? Crossing against the light? (This isn’t exactly the young Indiana Jones we’re talking about here. Justin hasn’t even ridden a bike since he was hit by a police car.) Nan said thank God he wasn’t hurt worse, and the Mad Cow muttered something about nothing being more important than human life (although I can think of several things that are more important than Justin’s life).

Made another attempt at my story for the school mag this morning, but writing is A LOT harder than it looks. I was pretty relieved when David rang up. He was bored too. So in the end I hung out with Marcus, David, Siranee, Disha, Flynn etc. at David’s. I took the opportunity to try and get some information out of Flynn about what’s happening with Catriona when we had a few minutes alone. I started out by asking him if he got any valentines and he actually blushed! Busted!!! (It was really
v Sweet and Endearing
. Like when you see some guy built like an American football player with a baby. I don’t know why that should seem so sweet – I see dozens of women with babies every day and all I think is that’s their youth and figure gone.) I said I got one too, to encourage him, and he didn’t say anything. Then I asked him who he thought his was from, and he smiled (he has one of those v attractive lopsided smiles) and said he had an idea but he wasn’t going to say. I was about to start wheedling when the others came back. Better luck next time.

Disha said did I notice that Marcus and Flynn seemed a bit cool to each other at David’s, and I said no. D said REALLY? I asked her if she was trying to make some point, and she said no, she was just saying because the DP has got her into the habit of thinking and noticing things. I reminded her that we’re meant to be noticing things with profound significance, not mundane details.

I’ve spent a lot of the half-term going though all the possibilities, and I really think my valentine must have been from Elvin. It was too soppy for Marcus. And I KNOW I’m right about Flynn being interested in the Hendley. Who else is there? This is the first time anyone’s sent me one, and it’s the first time I’ve known Elvin. The logic seems pretty irrefutable to me. So, since he obviously
is
interested in me (having more or less said so), I’ve decided to be one of those new women you’re always reading about in the colour supplements and not wait for him to ring me about the bike ride. After all, maybe he forgot. He is a film-maker. You wouldn’t expect Spielberg to remember he once asked you to go on a bike ride, would you?

I don’t think being twins can be healthy. Either S&S don’t speak to me at all because they live in their own little Twin World, or they won’t shut up, and talk in stereo. Tonight they were banging on about their father again. Apparently he’s bigger than my father, stronger than my father, cleverer than my father and even better looking than my father. God they’re exhausting! I ask you, who would be young? How tedious and infantile their minds are. I tried to ignore them. After all, I couldn’t really argue with them – they are mere children – and, anyway, since I’ve never met their dad (because he’s been inside all the time I’ve known Mrs Kennedy) they may be right as far as I know. (The DP is also helping me develop an open mind.) Then Shane said their dad could beat my dad up, and Shaun said too right. I asked them why he would want to do that, and they said BECAUSE. Could I ever have been like that? It really doesn’t seem possible. Sigmund was still up when I got back, so I told him how weird they’ve been lately. I reckoned, since he’s Mrs Kennedy’s therapist and all, he’d be interested, and he was. He went into this long blah blah blah about the way twins relate, and their imaginations, and how you can’t really believe much they say, especially twins who have been through as much as Shane and Shaun and have to pretty much make up a father. And he thinks I talk a lot!!! As per usual, I was v sorry I’d brought it up. I said all I really wanted to know was if he thought they could be on medication. Sigmund said the only person he suspects of being on medication is me. You can see what I’m up against. And he expects me to have serious conversations with him!

Since the McDonald’s incident, I’ve been reluctant to hang out with the boys anywhere too public, just in case we run into Elvin (which, with my LUCK, would be bound to happen), because even though it does men good to think that other men are interested in you, I don’t want to overdo it. You know, I don’t want it to backfire and actually DISCOURAGE him. But today I broke down and said I’d go to the bookshop with Flynn. He said if I’d finished the Camus he could recommend something else. It was a tricky situation. If I said I’d finished
The Outsider
I’d have to tell him what I thought of it, but if I said I hadn’t he’d think there was something wrong with me since it’s not exactly LONG. But then GENIUS struck! I told him I’d finished it but was going to read it again, so I could fully appreciate all its subtleties. I said I didn’t feel I could discuss it after just one reading. He seemed v impressed. No sooner did I hang up than Marcus rang. What was I doing, blah blah blah? I said I was going to the bookshop so he said he’d come too. Then it occurred to me that I could EASILY bump into Elvin in a bookshop, so I asked Disha if she wanted to come too. When we got there Flynn was pretty quiet, but I reckoned that was because he was in literary mode (you should’ve seen the book he bought – it’s thick as a brick!). Anyway, Marcus was in good form so we had some laughs. And we didn’t meet Elvin.

My good mood evaporated almost as soon as I got in the flat. The MC was in my room AGAIN! This time she said she had a migraine (which might’ve had a shred of truth in it, since she didn’t exactly look like a piece of art) and it was the only place she could lie down in
Privacy and Peace
. I said what about Justin’s room; he hasn’t sold his bed, has he? And listen to what she said!!! She said Justin needs SPACE because of his photography. And what about me?!! I’m an artist, or maybe a writer. I said how am I ever going to finish my story for the school magazine if I don’t have any PRIVACY AND PEACE? And then you know what she said? She said J.K. Rowling wrote the first Harry Potter in a café so she didn’t see what I was making such a fuss about!

Is this injustice or what? Apparently, when Justin got his black eye he also lost his new camera. And is Justin being punished for this carelessness? Is he being treated like a pariah? Is he scorned and grumbled at and told over and over how much things cost and how no one’s ever going to buy him anything again? NO, HE ISN’T! He’s been bought another camera! Sappho’s right. There is no equality between men and women. Not in this house at least!!!

Finally got around to hanging my wind chimes outside my bedroom window. They’re absolutely brilliant! I lie on my bed, looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling and listening to my chimes as though I’m camping in the Himalayas, watching the night sky and hearing the temple bells ringing in the distance. As some day, perhaps, I will!!! (Must check out what the scorpion situation is in the Himalayas before I go, though.)

A black star hangs over me! The curse of a whole coven of witches envelops me! You doubt that? Well, guess what’s happened now! I’m the bold, innovative trendsetter who has her nose pierced and gets a dangerous infection as a result – and Catriona Hendley goes and gets a ring put through her lip like she invented body piercing! (You will notice that she did it DURING HALF-TERM – probably on the first day!!! That way, if it went septic and her lip swelled up like a Zeppelin no one would ever know. Talk about
deception and treachery
. I’m sure if William Shakespeare were to come back to life and run into Catriona Hendley on the high street he’d think she was Lady Macbeth in a short skirt and knee-high boots. “Gadzooks!” he’d cry. “You’re back!”) Everybody was hanging around talking about Catriona’s lip before the bell. I told them about facial rings being a sign of slavery and oppression. I said I took my nose ring out as soon as I found out. Catriona said she reckoned lips rings were different. She said she wasn’t really sure about kissing with it though. Someone said he’d be happy to help out if she wanted to practise, and everybody laughed, including Flynn. He’s obviously a better actor than you would have thought! It’s good news about the kissing though. That should slow down her moves on Elvin a bit too.

Disha had some V DEPRESSING NEWS. Elvin came by hers last night with Catriona Hendley! How could he do that? I feel as if someone’s rollerbladed across my heart. He knows Disha’s my best friend! Did he think I wouldn’t find out? That I wouldn’t be excruciatingly hurt? That the
Hopes of My Love
wouldn’t be dashed against the craggy rocks of Catriona Hendley’s common good looks? Disha says it wasn’t like they were holding hands or anything. He just brought her along because they’re such OLD friends and he wanted to show her his award-winning documentary on cats, which (apparently) he left with Calum. I am not consoled. That’s how these things start. One day they’re joking around like brother and sister and the next he’s sticking his tongue down her throat.

I think Justin must have a girlfriend because a girl called asking for “Just” (I was so surprised I said, “Just what?”), and when I asked him who it was he said, “No one” (which is pretty ironclad proof if you ask me). The MC says I’m getting carried away by my vivid imagination (as usual!!!). She says this girl’s probably just a friend. She says Justin has lots of female friends. Strange but true!!! Geek Boy’s always had lots of girls hanging round him, but he’s never gone out with any of them. I said I reckoned it must be time that changed. Why else was he nicking my underwear? And, anyway, as hard as it might be to believe that ANYONE from the human species could be interested in Justin, there was something in this girl’s voice that sounded POSSESSIVE – and also suggested SEX (and if that isn’t a thought to sober up every wild party in London, I don’t know what is). I know from waiting at airports etc. that some of the most unattractive people imaginable find partners (look no further than the parent Bandrys for proof!!!), so I think we have to accept that – though grossly improbable – it is not impossible that a female might be interested in my brother. She’s probably a right tart.

Nearly had another encounter with the Anti-Barbie. Sara Dancer had a zit on her chin the size of a piece of fish gravel today, and the Anti-Barbie told her she looked awful! Right in front of everybody! Can you believe it? None of us could. It was
shock and horror
all round. Sara looked like she might cry. So I called out, “You’re not exactly a picture yourself, miss!” to lighten the tension. Fortunately everybody started laughing so much that she couldn’t tell who had said it. Serves her right, the old bag.

Went to Disha’s after school (again) hoping I might run into Elvin but he wasn’t there. The good news was that Calum wasn’t there either. I had another attack of genius. Maybe Calum had Elvin’s phone number written down somewhere. Disha said looking in Calum’s room for Elvin’s number was a waste of time. (Was I mad? He’s a BOY, for God’s sake. Did I think he kept an address book?) But I was convinced it was worth a try. She was right about the address book, but Calum, being a Serious Film-Maker, does keep a notebook! It was in his desk. Elvin’s number is written on the inside cover. Disha said it was too bad Calum didn’t keep a diary. She’d give her red leather jacket (which, obviously, she LOVES) to read it. I said that even if Justin knew how to write, I wouldn’t want to read his diary. I’d be afraid to. Knowing the superficial Justin Bandry is creepy enough without finding out his
deepest secrets
. Disha said yeah, but think of the v interesting bets we could make one another about what we would find in our brothers’ diaries. Disha said she bet Calum is seeing an older woman. I bet her that Justin has boils on his bum. We laughed so much we thought we were going to gasp our last!

We found two other V INTERESTING things in Calum’s desk: DRUGS (there was a lump of hash in a tin on top of his notebook) and ELVIN’S MOVIE (
Purr Love
– a film by Elvin A. Zagary). We debated what to do about the dope for about half a second, and then we decided that it should definitely be part of our intense, experience-seeking Dark Phase, so Disha hacked a bit off with Calum’s Swiss Army knife and wrapped it up in a few of the Rizlas that were also in the tin. She hid it under the rug in her room for future use. Then we watched Elvin’s movie. It really is about cats (!!!) – feral cats and the people who feed them. I have to say that I learned A LOT from it. You wouldn’t believe how many people there are skulking round with carrier bags of cat food and bowls and stuff. D said she not only found it tr
è
s depressing, but she also felt she now knew more than was necessary about the relationship between loneliness, madness and felines. I, however, found it a disturbing but V MOVING and thought-provoking commentary on our times. All those poor cats. D said she never heard me call Mr Kipling a poor cat, but I pointed out that that’s because he isn’t – he’s a pampered pain in the bum.

Awake half the night worrying about where I can hide my diary. I’ve been keeping it in my laundry basket, under my dirty clothes, but it doesn’t seem very secure. (With her mood swings, the MC could suddenly decide to do the lot herself, never mind what she said about not being anybody’s skivvy.) I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. I mean, not only have I got the Mad Cow lying on my bed and snooping round when I’m not home, but I’ve got Justin bursting in whenever he feels like it to take pictures and nick my underwear and Nan wandering in when she forgets where the loo is. It’s like King’s Cross Station at rush hour. It goes without saying that NONE of these people respect my right to privacy. And also, in case you haven’t noticed, Sigmund still hasn’t got me my new door. Unless I rip up a floorboard, I can’t think of any place that’s REALLY safe to keep my diary. I have temporarily moved it to my closet, under a pile of stuffed toys. Even the MC doesn’t go in there since the time she opened the door and was buried under an avalanche of clothes. (Well, where did she think I was going to put everything? If it would all hang in the closet, it wouldn’t have been on the floor, would it?)