Planet Janet (8 page)

Willow said the giant chicken wasn’t a cosmic sign. She said he stands in front of that new chicken restaurant, handing out flyers. I said I didn’t think he really was a chicken (he was wearing trainers!), I just thought maybe the universe was trying to make me feel bad by putting him on my bus. Willow said he was just going to work. Which is probably why he looked depressed. I thought about that, and I can definitely understand it. What must it be like, getting up every morning and putting on this bright yellow chicken suit, knowing tomorrow you’re going to get up and do the same thing, and the next day, and the day after that … maybe for your whole life? (And I bet he’s paid chicken feed!) I will never take a job as a giant chicken, no matter how desperate I am for cash.

Sappho came over this afternoon with her new girlfriend, Mags (she’s nice; she looks normal), and a Congratulations on Becoming a Vegetarian present for me. I was braced for some more feminist propaganda (never mind the winter solstice, for my birthday she gave me this huge book on the history of the suffragettes – she couldn’t expect me to read it, so I reckoned I was meant to use it as a weapon), but what it was was this excruciatingly cool pair of purple combat trousers. Sappho said that every woman should own a pair, since they’re in combat most of their lives. I would’ve liked them a teeny bit darker, but last time I commented on something Sappho gave me she took it back, so I kept quiet. I think Mags must be a mellowing influence on Sappho.

Nan and Sappho are usually kept pretty much apart, because Nan thinks lesbians are really unchristian, and she made sure Sappho knew how she felt right from the first time they met, which was at the parents’ wedding. On that first, historic occasion, Sappho got melodramatic and stopped the band in mid-song by loudly demanding to know why it was all right for Jesus to hang out with whores but not with gay people. On this occasion, however, Nan got a lot of sympathy from Mags for her broken arm, which kept her happy. And even Sappho was impressed with Nan’s story (HORRIBLY EXAGGERATED, of course) of how she nearly caught the perpetrator because of her training in the war. Sappho said Nan was a closet feminist, and even Nan laughed. So anyway, we got through giving me my present and showing Mags the flat without too much trauma. But as soon as we sat down for tea Sappho started banging on about female sexuality (not that anybody asked). It was so tr
è
s boring. Especially if you’ve heard it all about six million times before. I was practically asleep when Nan suddenly shot to her feet, shouting, “I never had one of those things, and it didn’t do me any harm!” It was pretty dramatic, with the sling and all. I had no idea what “things” she was talking about but she definitely had my attention. Sappho put on her best professor of women’s studies voice and said, “Mrs Bandry, are you saying you’ve never had an orgasm?” This is not a word I’ve ever heard spoken aloud in our kitchen before. (In fact, I reckon it’s not something that’s happened very often in our house. If ever. The only sounds I’ve ever heard from the parents at night are either arguments or Sigmund’s snores.) I wasn’t alone. The Mad Cow spat the biscuit she was chewing right across the table. I thought she was going to choke to death. Mags asked if anybody wanted more tea.

To tell you the truth, I forgot all about Mr Kipling until this morning when I went to the kitchen for my breakfast and found Nan weeping and wailing in a v major way because she couldn’t find her cat (and this from a woman who was apparently trained to disembowel Nazis – I ask you, does that make sense?). The MC was gnashing her teeth. I acted v surprised when they told me what’d happened. I said I remembered seeing Mr Kipling last night so he must be somewhere, but this didn’t have the desired effect of chilling them out until I could sneak into the garden and get him. Instead, the MC made us all look for the fat lump. She even had me crawling under the furniture. (You should see the dust and cobwebs! All I can say is I hope the MC’s a better teacher than she is a housekeeper or the youth of Britain’s REALLY in trouble.) I gave up when I broke a nail. I said unless he’d gone under the floorboards Mr Kipling wasn’t in the flat. I said maybe he’d got out. Justin’s always leaving the door open after all. I volunteered to search the garden. I reckoned I was in for a lot of positive reinforcement and maybe even a bit of cash when I returned with Mr Kipling purring in my arms. Which I would’ve done, if I’d been able to find him. But he wasn’t in the garden. Cats are really contrary, aren’t they? All these years I’ve never seen Mr Kipling jump higher than the kitchen counter, and all of a sudden he’s leaping over the garden wall like Supercat.

Disha and I went to Camden Market this afternoon. I got my nose pierced! I’ve been thinking about it for EONS and today I just went for it. Never mind the pain or possible disfigurement. (Even Catriona Hendley doesn’t have her nose pierced!) Disha isn’t sure how she feels about self-mutilation, so she just got two more holes put in each ear. We spent hours wandering around the market. It was well cool (aside from all the wicked clothes, we saw someone throwing up outside a pub, and someone else being dragged off by the police). I bought this Chinese skirt and these really cheap wind chimes (they’re meant to be very calming, and with Nan in the flat I need all the calm I can get, so I bought three). Disha left me on my own while she went to get some fried noodles since I’m back on my diet today. Even though I don’t eat ANYTHING now that I’m a vegetarian I seem to have gained two pounds! (D says if crisps were made of pork I’d be all right.) Anyway, I was looking at the bowls on one of the stalls when the bloke said to me, “So what do you like?” I said I thought the blue fish bowl was nice, and he said that wasn’t what he meant. I don’t know why I always smile when someone says something I don’t understand, but that’s what I do. He smiled back. “Well?” he said. “Es … weed…? Maybe a hip girl like you wants something a little more exotic…?” I couldn’t believe it! It must be the nose ring. No adult has ever tried to sell me drugs before. Disha was furious that she missed it!

The only member of my family who noticed my nose ring was Nan. She thought I’d joined a pagan cult. She said she’d always known something like this would happen. Sigmund told her to put a sock in it; it was only a ring. And then all of a sudden Justin decided to join in. He wanted to know if I realized that the nose ring was a symbol of slavery and servitude. For cows and pigs, I said. Justin said for women too. Traditionally, if a woman wears a nose ring it means she’s owned by a man. I said it was no such thing; it was a fashion statement. He said I’d be having myself circumcised next. (See what I mean by stupid? It’s boys who get circumcised! Everybody knows that!) If you ask me, his parents should have thought about how their son would be affected by the ravings of a militant feminist during his formative years. Anyway, I reckon he was in a bad mood because the MC made him put up
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posters all over the neighbourhood and he decided to take it out on me.

I couldn’t believe it! I came out of art with Marcus and there was Elvin! As soon as I spotted him I started laughing, even though Marcus wasn’t saying anything funny. It was brilliant! Elvin looked well surprised. He’d come to see Mr Belakis. (I can’t believe Disha didn’t find out that Elvin used to go to our school! She said I could have asked him that myself when I was talking to him the other day. Always an excuse!) Marcus wanted me to go to the high street with him, but I said I had things to do after school. I came out of the library just as Elvin walked past on his way out. I said I thought he’d be on his bike, and he said he wished that he was. He said it was the only way to travel in London, and I said too right. So when he asked me if I had a bike I automatically said yes (not a total lie – I used to have one; I just haven’t had one for a while). And GUESS WHAT? He asked me if I wanted to go riding on the heath with him sometime! Do leaves grow on trees? I don’t remember much after that, although I’m sure everything he said was v intelligent and witty. I know it sounds weird, but I almost wished he hadn’t got on my bus. I really wanted to ring D and tell her all about it and everything he said etc. But then he said he was dropping by Catriona’s on his way home, and straight away I wished he wouldn’t get off.

You’re not going to believe this, but Sappho says women
can
be circumcised! I said but we don’t have a penis and she said, “You really do live on your own planet, don’t you?” (Ha ha ha, right? You can see why no one’s ever accused feminists of having a great sense of humour.) I said well, we don’t have penises, and she said maybe it would do me some good to pay some attention when people are talking to me now and then. Phoned Disha and she didn’t know women could be circumcised either.

Because I made One Little Comment about the nut cutlets she fed me last night (and they really did taste like cardboard), the Mad Cow went into one of her MEGA mood swings. After she calmed down she gave me thirty quid to buy myself some vegetarian food. I said I didn’t know why she couldn’t just pick up stuff for me when she’s doing the carnivores’ shopping and she said she has enough to do without trying to guess what I want to eat. Is that LAZY or what?

Disha went shopping with me after school. Neither of us has been in a supermarket for EONS. It was pretty horrifying. Not only is it as big as an airport terminal, but it was ABSOLUTELY PACKED with shoppers! Disha said you’d think they were giving the food away. We couldn’t work out where all these people came from. Don’t they have jobs? Don’t they have lives? There’s practically a whole aisle for crisps, a whole aisle for sweets, another aisle for biscuits and yet another aisle for breakfast cereals. No wonder the Mad Cow spends hours getting the groceries. Disha said if she had to do the food shopping she’d probably spend the rest of her life trying to decide which packet of rice to buy. It took us an hour just to find where they hide the vegetarian stuff. After that it was easy since they hardly have anything. They’ve got more varieties of pizza than vegetarian meals. Then we had to queue for another eon. And what thanks do I get for wasting precious hours of my life doing the Mad Cow’s job for her? NONE!!! She was all pissed off because I didn’t bring back any change! I really should have a word with Sigmund about getting her on hormone replacement therapy. That or Prozac. I don’t see how I can be expected to live with her lack of rational thought.

Mr Kipling’s back. I was exhausted from the shopping so I thought I’d lie down before supper, and there he was, sprawled out on my bed as per usual. (Geek Boy must open the door for him to wind me up; there’s no other explanation.) Apparently he just turned up at the garden door this afternoon. Nan says that’s the power of prayer for you.

I think Marcus thinks I like him (well, I do like him, but at the moment I’m not sure how much). Marcus, Flynn, Sara, Siranee, Nick, Disha and me all went down to McDonald’s after school (I had the fish thing, of course). We were sitting by the window when who did I see coming out of the video shop across the road? Calum and ELVIN! I wasn’t sure what Elvin was doing outside McDonald’s last spring that nearly got him busted, but I was pretty sure he wasn’t queuing. And all of a sudden it hit me that I probably didn’t want him to see
me
in McDonald’s, even if I wasn’t eating a hamburger. So I ducked under the table. Marcus (who was sitting next to me) looked down and asked me what I was doing. What I was doing at that very moment was kneeling in some ketchup trying to unhook my nose ring from his trousers without unhooking my nose as well. I didn’t want to explain about Elvin so I just said the first thing that came into my head. Which was that I wanted to give him a foot massage. And he said, “Why don’t you come back to mine and give it to me there?” in a v suggestive way. I hope his mother can get the blood out of his khakis.

Grasp this if you can! There were two women with cat baskets in the living-room when I got home. Apparently they liked Justin’s
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poster so much that they rang up to ask who’d taken the photo. And then they offered to PAY Geek Boy to take pictures of their cats. So that’s Justin’s future sorted: photographer to the cat ladies of London. I wouldn’t mind being paid for doing NOTHING like that, but on the other hand it makes me feel even MORE embarrassed to be related to him. Which is something I didn’t think was possible.

Revolting glop is oozing from the hole in my nose. I don’t think this can be right. I just hope I don’t have to be rushed to emergency in the middle of the night.

TOTAL HUMILIATION! And it’s all the Anti-Barbie’s fault. It was pissing down so we got to stay in and play volleyball. What a treat! I told the old bag I was feeling crampy and wanted to go and get a pad, just in case, but she wouldn’t let me leave the class. “I thought you had terminal cramps last week, Janet. How can you be getting your period
again
?” She was well sarky. Catriona Hendley laughed louder than anybody else. (Disha says I should’ve said that I was afraid of getting hit on the nose by the ball. Which would have been true. It already hurts like hell.) Anyway, I said that last week’s cramps were a false alarm, but she wasn’t having any of it. The Anti-Barbie forced me to play, and of course I started bleeding like I’d been stabbed – right in the middle of the game. It was so gross! Blood was dripping down my leg. Everybody started shrieking. You’d think that with PE being the last class of the day the Anti-Barbie would have let me go home after that, to avoid the rush, but OH NO, she let me go and get a pad and clean up and all, but then she made me stay right to the gruesome end. I didn’t want to go on the bus because I was feeling really stressed by then, so I went to Disha’s to call the Mad Cow to come and get me. And who do you think was sitting in the kitchen, eating a cheese sandwich? Elvin! Who else? Of all the billions and billions of people in the world – many of whom I wouldn’t mind seeing me traumatized and smelling like something slaughtered – it had to be him. I would’ve swooned, but I was on automatic panic. This was my big chance! My chance to sit down and have a cheese sandwich with one of the most desirable men in London while we discussed the merits of being vegetarian. Only I couldn’t take it because I felt so gross. I didn’t even say hello. I just turned straight round and collided with Disha. I nearly trampled her getting out of the room. What a day!!!