Planet Janet (19 page)

Justin stayed at Sappho’s again last night and the Mad Cow brought him home this afternoon. She said she reckoned it was time the four of us sat down and had a SERIOUS talk. Sigmund said too bloody right, and immediately started going on about Justin being a disgrace. The MC wanted to know what he was on about, and when Sigmund explained she and Justin both fell about laughing, which made Sigmund go into morally superior mode (which is probably his favourite). He said he was shocked that the MC, of all people, would condone Justin’s irresponsible behaviour. Justin stopped laughing long enough to say that he wasn’t like Sigmund and didn’t indulge in irresponsible behaviour. Sigmund said that getting your girlfriend pregnant and then dumping her like a hot potato was pretty irresponsible in his book. Justin said first of all Bumshiva’d NEVER been his girlfriend and that second of all she WASN’T PREGNANT; she was just insane. Sigmund said, “That’s what you say.” Justin said it was. The Mad Cow had already heard the whole tortured tale from Justin (obviously), and she TOTALLY believed him. Sigmund got all haughty and raised an eyebrow and all like he’d completely forgotten he was meant to be trying to encourage the MC to like him again and said REALLY? The MC said REALLY. She said if Bethsheba actually was preggers it was either an immaculate conception or the father was someone we didn’t know. Sigmund asked her how she could be so sure, and the MC said because Justin wasn’t a compulsive liar like the only other male in this family!!! I just sat there, observing all of this like a Great Writer would, but I have to admit I was v impressed by my mother. I’d never seen her like this before. Then she said that anyway, Bethsheba’s histrionics weren’t what we had to talk about. You could tell from the way he immediately started nodding and looking v serious like someone on
Newsnight
that Sigmund thought this meant she was ready to come home for good. But I was watching the NEW Jocelyn Bandry and I had my doubts (and also I noticed she didn’t have a suitcase with her). You should’ve seen Sigmund’s face when the MC said she was coming home, but only because he was moving OUT. (If he doesn’t stop looking like a dying fish I may have to change his name to Trout!!!) Sigmund wanted to know where this brilliant idea came from but the MC just smiled and gave me a look.

I gave Ms Staples my story today. It’s over TEN PAGES. Ms Staples said no wonder it took me so long to write. I said I KNOW how busy she is and all (apparently teachers, like whales, are an endangered species!!!), but I would REALLY appreciate it if she could read it as soon as she has a chance. Now that my creativity has been turned on, it needs FEEDBACK. Ms Staples said she’d do her best.

I’d like to think that the new Jocelyn Bandry owes something to me and the Dark Phase. I mean, it’s possible, isn’t it? She saw me struggling to live deeply and meaningfully and she was inspired. She looked at her own life and she saw its
shallowness and triviality
, and she was finally ready to face the pain and remake herself. The Dark Phase has DEFINITELY affected Disha. I have always known that I will never have a better friend than Disha Paski – not if I live to be a MILLION (though, really, who would want to?) – but now she has surpassed herself. How? I hear you ask. And this is how. To stop my torment Disha took direct action. She just came right out and asked Calum if Elvin was interested in me or not. Calum said or not. Disha said she was wondering because Elvin had sort of made a play for me, and Calum said, “Oh, that.” D wanted to know oh what. Turns out Elvin was hoping that if he got friendly with me he could get Justin to help him with his film. My only consolation is that Elvin’s stupid film is also the reason he was cooing round Catriona. Because of her father. He was hoping he could get it on telly. I’m DEVASTATED! Mine is a trusting nature. I can’t believe someone could be so duplicitous. Disha says well, live and learn – that’s what life’s all about, isn’t it? (She really has MATURED!!!)

NOTHING lasts for ever, that’s the truth. Last week I was a motherless child, and now I’m a fatherless one. Sigmund moved out tonight, although, as Justin says, it isn’t as if he’s gone FAR. He’s got a flat in Kentish Town. The MC’s saying this is a trial separation, but Sigmund couldn’t have been halfway up the road before she was rearranging their bedroom. Already the living standards have risen. There’s bog roll in the bathroom and we had meatballs and spaghetti for supper. It wasn’t as bad as I remember, but that could just be because I’ve been on the Sigmund Bandry Starvation Diet. Now that Elvin has proved not to be a Man of Principles but a
Snake in the Grass of Love
, I’ve started eating meat again. I mean, really, why not?

Flynn rang tonight to see if I wanted to go to a film on Saturday night. I said yes. He said just you and me, right? I said of course. At least I know that Flynn is an honest person and interested in ME – not my brother. And also (since I’m not COMMITTED to anyone yet) I’ve already arranged to go ice-skating on Sunday with Marcus.

I AM DEFINITELY ON MY CREATIVE WAY!!! Ms Staples was v impressed with my story. She says it’s funny, insightful and ORIGINAL. She even wants to publish it in the school magazine. She did say we’ll have to sit down and discuss it IN DEPTH, of course. She says she still feels I have a problem with implausible plots. I said it’s not MY problem – it’s LIFE’S.

Dyan Sheldon is the author of many books for young people, including
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen; And Baby Makes Two; The Crazy Things Girls Do for Love; and My Worst Best Friend;
as well as a number of stories for younger readers. American by birth, Dyan lives in North London.