Planet Janet (14 page)

The curse continues to work! When I woke up this morning I SCREAMED OUT LOUD when I saw myself in the mirror. I couldn’t’ve been more SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED if I’d grown a second head. (Which is probably the only thing that could be worse than what has happened.) My hair has turned an EXTREMELY vivid magenta. I’m sure it’s because of the hours I spent in the garden. There must’ve been a chemical reaction with something they’re putting in the rain. The MC said it was lucky I cut it so short or I might have blinded half of London. I tried not to let her negativity discourage me. I decided to make myself a
Dramatic Statement
. I dressed totally in black and wore my biggest silver earrings (perfect for the DP or what?!!). It’s a shame my new boots fell apart like that, because they would’ve been the killer touch. Disha said I still looked v striking. Flynn said he never realized I wore earrings before. Marcus said I reminded him of the girl in
The Matrix
, except that her hair wouldn’t stop traffic.

The MC ABSOLUTELY REFUSES to believe that the Abominable Brother has a girlfriend. She reckons he would’ve told her if he really was going out with Bethsheba. (I don’t see why; he doesn’t tell her anything else.) I said then why is she always ringing up like he’s the talking clock and she doesn’t own a watch? She said maybe Bethsheba hasn’t realized that Justin isn’t interested in her in
that
way. It’s truly amazing that I haven’t been permanently struck DUMB, living with these people. Like the girl’s pursuing
Justin
? The MC really is losing touch with reality in a v frightening way.

Willow asked how the vegetarianism was going and I told her it was going well except I seemed to be gaining weight, not losing it like you’d expect. How can you put on weight when you’re eating soya burgers, soya rashers and chicken nuggets instead of hamburgers, bacon and pork chops? It doesn’t make sense. Willow said, “McDonald’s chicken nuggets?” She said there’s twice as much fat per ounce in McNuggets as in a hamburger. I was shocked. I mean, it’s chicken! How can you have fat in chicken? Willow says it’s chicken the way the Matterhorn at Disneyland is part of the Alps. She says that in America McDonald’s chips had beef additives. She read all about it in some book. Willow says you can’t be too careful. Obviously not. It’s incredible the things people don’t tell you. They don’t tell you there are Great Women Artists and they don’t tell you there’s all that fat in chicken. What else aren’t they telling us? If you ask me, life should come with a book of instructions. D agrees. She says if you think about it, adults are INCREDIBLY irresponsible, not to mention they lie a lot – even to each other. We can’t decide whether adults never had any principles, or if they lost them when they sold their souls for their mortgages and crap like that.

Disha wanted to know why I didn’t go to the gallery with the guys last weekend. I asked her what gallery and what guys. She said some photographic gallery in the West End and Elvin and Justin. She overheard Calum and Elvin talking about it. I said she got it wrong. Justin went to some photographic exhibition on Saturday, but Elvin couldn’t have gone because he had to do something with his father. Disha gave me her oh yeah? look. It’s one of her more irritating habits. Like Elvin would dump me to go out with Justin, right? What does she think? That they’re GAY? And why would Elvin lie to me? It’s not like we’re even going out together yet, is it? I mean, Sigmund’s always telling the MC untruths (e.g. last Sunday when he said he was doing something with his dependencies group he wasn’t because one of them rang up to find out if it’d been changed to Tuesday or Wednesday!!!), but they’re married. You expect that sort of thing from people who have lived together long enough to feel suffocated.

Went for pizza with the usual suspects after school, except for Disha. I thought Disha’d given up on tennis, but she said she had a lesson tonight and wanted to go home and do her homework first. So it was up to me to watch for psychological SIGNS between Flynn and the Hendley. And they were there! Flynn and Catriona made sure they didn’t stand next to each other or anything (in a v pointed, let’s-act-like-we-hardly-know-each-other way!). At first the conversation was monopolized by Nick and David in PlayStation mode, and then Flynn started banging on about the pizza he makes at home. (I hadn’t realized he’s a new man. Justin, the Neanderthal, can barely microwave a croissant.) Marcus didn’t find it too thrilling either. He started talking to me about some little art gallery near his that he thought I should see. I wasn’t TOTALLY listening because I was keeping watch to see if Flynn and Catriona made eye contact. We had a v good time. Marcus did an impersonation of Bart Simpson accepting an Oscar that cracked us up so much we all had tears in our eyes.

I can’t believe it! Turns out that the lesson Disha went to wasn’t tennis – it was yoga. She said she’d heard me and Ms Staples banging on about it so much that she got interested. And also she saw something on telly. I said if she was going to join a class why hadn’t she asked me to go too, and she said she had. She said I said I wasn’t interested in a class because I had my book and it was cheaper. I don’t remember this conversation AT ALL!!! Disha said, “And to think you’re like this and you’ve only taken drugs the once. I thought you had to do it for a while before you lost your memory.” I still think she’s making it up.

Another day, another learning experience!!! I was coming home this afternoon, minding my own business, when these boys started following me. I didn’t pay any attention at first. I thought they were just muttering to themselves about football or computer games or something equally fascinating when I realized they were talking about
me
! To be more specific, they were making rude comments about my bum and my tits. It was disgusting. I felt like I was on a card stuck in a phone box or a picture in a magazine. But it was also really creepy. I charged into the first shop I came to and spent EONS choosing something to buy even though my options were limited (I knew all along it was going to be sugarless gum; there doesn’t seem to be much else I can eat, not after what Willow told me). They were still there when I came out, so I told them what I thought of them. I said didn’t they have mothers or sisters? I said was this the way they treated THEM? And then I told them to **** off and leave me alone. That scared them, of course. They were trembling so much they had trouble laughing. I tried ignoring them, but they kept following me, slurping and grunting and saying every disgusting thing they could think of (they must all have cable, because they said A LOT!). It was like walking down the high street starkers. (I don’t know how anyone could be a stripper!!! At least if you’re a whore you get to shut the door.) And then I had this brilliant idea. I crossed the street, backtracked a bit, and went down the road the police station’s on. The policeman is your friend. I marched inside. (Surprise! Surprise! They didn’t follow me in there!) There must’ve been a crime lull in our neighbourhood just then because there wasn’t a queue of bleeding and/or hysterical people in front of me like you see on TV. I went straight to the desk and I told the policeman what had happened. And you know what he did? HE LAUGHED!!! Obviously he doesn’t have any female friends or relatives either. I was mortified! But I’m beginning to see where Sappho gets her attitude from.

I said to Disha that I wished I’d taken the number of the policeman on the desk and reported him. It’s the sort of story the local paper loves. D said exactly who was I going to report him to? Other policemen? I said I didn’t think they could ALL be corrupt, and she said it wasn’t so much corruption as conspiracy. They all stick together. And not just the police – politicians, teachers, businessmen etc. too. D says if you REALLY think about it, becoming an adult doesn’t actually CHANGE anything except being able to drink in pubs and stay out all night and having to work for a living etc. The world still treats you like a child – only instead of having your parents telling you what to do and not listening to you, you have society telling you.

The devil Nan’s always going on about woke up this morning in a really shitty mood and decided to give me a small taste of what hell is like. First of all, I meant to get up early because I had a lot to do before Elvin arrived to fix my bike. I wanted to run through my yoga (so if he asked me what I’d been doing I could say my yoga). I wanted to take a shower with the shower gel Sappho also gave the Mad Cow for the winter solstice (so if he noticed how good I smelled I could tell him I smelled politically correct). And I reckoned it might be a good idea if I didn’t greet him in my pyjamas, so I needed to dress. And also get everything ready for lunch. But I must’ve slept through the alarm, because I didn’t wake up till nearly ten. It took me an hour just to find something to wear, so I had to skip the yoga. Then when I opened the fridge I discovered that the Mad Cow hadn’t done a proper shop yet. There was nothing to eat unless you liked bendy carrots and mustard a lot. So then I had to change into something I didn’t mind sweating in and run to the shop. I bought cheese, bread, tomatoes and a large bag of crisps. Toasted cheese sandwiches are my speciality. That and peanut butter. As soon as I got home I changed again. I was still looking for the sandwich toaster (microwaved just isn’t the same in my opinion) when the doorbell rang. Elvin! Electricity shot through me. I had a big smile on my face and was already saying hello when I answered the door. The smile vanished. It wasn’t Elvin. It was Bethsheba. I was a bit taken aback. She wasn’t at all what I was expecting. I was expecting someone rather pathetic who probably lives under a rock, but she was trendier looking than even Catriona Hendley. And v attractive in an emaciated art student sort of way. She wanted to know if Justin was in. I was too stressed to deal with her, and also if Justin was in his room I didn’t want him coming out while Elvin was here, so I said no. She wanted to know if I was sure. I said he’d left EONS ago. Then she started screaming for him from the doorway. There wasn’t any response, of course, so then she said to tell him she’d been by and that he should ring her. I went back to looking for the sandwich toaster. Justin strolled into the kitchen with his camera over his shoulder. I said I thought he’d gone out; didn’t he hear Bethsheba SHRIEKING for him? He said who hadn’t? He reckoned the whole road had heard her. He called her Bloody Bumshiva and said he wished she’d leave him alone, and I said why not tell her that instead of pretending not to be home, and he said what made me think he hadn’t told her at least a hundred times? I said because he never tells anybody anything, and he said well, here was a first, then. I could tell Elvin that he couldn’t wait for him because he had to go out. And as if this wasn’t surprising enough (I mean, why would Elvin think Justin was going to wait for
him
? He was coming to see ME!!!), Justin then made a quick exit through the garden. I was watching him heave himself over the back wall when the phone rang. I picked it up because I thought it might be Elvin. It was Marcus, ringing to tell me not to eat lunch because we could get something after the gallery. I said what gallery? He said the gallery I’d made a date with him to see today because there are paintings in it that reminded him of my stuff. I acted all
shocked and horrified
(which I sort of was, though I was also too preoccupied with my date with Elvin to get THAT emotionally involved), and said I’d forgotten all about it. I said my nan had fallen again and we were all pretty upset and it had totally put it out of my mind. I said I couldn’t go today because my parents were both out (true), and I had to look after my nan (would’ve been true if Nan were home). Marcus said well, what about next Saturday and I said OK because the doorbell was ringing. This time it was Elvin (FINALLY!). I still hadn’t found the sandwich toaster, but he said just a plain cheese sandwich would be great. (I like men who are flexible; I think that’s another important quality to look for.) He wanted to know where Justin was and I told him he’d just climbed over the garden wall. I think he thought I was joking at first. I put the lunch stuff on the table and Elvin said he couldn’t eat the cheese because it wasn’t vegetarian. I said of course it was vegetarian; it was cheese. He said no, they weren’t necessarily the same thing. He said cheese isn’t vegetarian unless it has a green V or something on the packet to prove that it isn’t made with animal glop. (And how was I meant to know a thing like that?) I said OOPS, I forgot. I haven’t been a veggie that long. Elvin said vegetarians have to be really careful, and, so he didn’t think I was TOTALLY clueless, I said it was worse for vegans because my aunt’s a vegan and she reads the labels on EVERYTHING before she eats it, including salt. At last being related to Sappho has paid off!!! Elvin said he admires vegans. He said I had a v interesting family. Since this isn’t true, and since even if it were true he wouldn’t know it since he’s only met Justin, I knew he was talking about me. I pretended to pick something off the floor in case I was blushing. After lunch Elvin took a look at my bike, but even though he had a bag full of tools it turned out he didn’t have the right one with him, so he said he’d come back next week. I thought maybe he’d suggest doing something else but he didn’t. After Elvin left, I rang Marcus back, but he’d gone out. I decided to go to Disha’s. When I got outside, Bethsheba was sitting on the step like that creepy bird in that Edgar Allan Poe poem. God knows how Geek Boy knew she’d be out there – perception isn’t one of his strong points. I told her Justin wasn’t back yet and she gave me this Mona Lisa smile and said she knew. Didn’t I say someone who was interested in Justin had to be REALLY STRANGE?!!

Sappho and Mags rolled up unexpectedly tonight with a bottle of organic champagne. Sigmund (who is a BIG FAN of the grape) must’ve known somehow that there was going to be free wine on offer because he was actually home for a change. Psychologists aren’t known for their sense of humour either, and Sigmund is no exception (unless it was marrying my mother), but he still tried to make a joke. “What’s the occasion? You scalp another white man?” The Mad Cow, Sappho and Mags all told him to shut up. Sappho said she had a major announcement. Turns out Sappho and Mags are pregnant! Well, one of them’s pregnant (I think it’s Sappho, but I got a little confused with all the shrieking this announcement caused). Once things had settled down a bit, Justin decided to make a joke. He wanted to know if it was an immaculate conception. Instead of telling him to shut up the way they did Sigmund, Sappho said yes, and they all laughed hysterically (except for Nan, who said it was blasphemous and made her lips into a straight line). While they were laughing, Sigmund poured himself another glass of champagne (a big one). Then Nan decided she’d given them the silent treatment long enough, and got back into the act. She couldn’t understand how Sappho (probably) could be preggers when she’s One of Them! Things weren’t like this in
her
day. In her day people knew what they were meant to do, and if they didn’t want to do it they didn’t make a big deal of it and have sperm injected into them. Sigmund told her not to start (which was pretty ridiculous, since she was already in full swing). Nan said she hoped they were going to have the baby baptized, the poor little thing. Sappho told her what she thought of that idea, and Nan stomped off to pray for everybody (she made sure she took her champagne with her though). I hope Sappho isn’t making a Big Mistake. I mean, she’s only just started living with Mags. What if it doesn’t work out? (It’s never worked out before.) It seems like a pretty major step to take. Disha agrees. She says it’s like marrying somebody on the first date. You’d think that someone who’s been to university and is so politically sussed, like Sappho, would have a little more common sense, but Disha says that common sense is like the Canary Islands. There aren’t any canaries left on the Canary Islands, and there’s nothing common about common sense. Sometimes D can be v profound.