Paper Chains (19 page)

We? Go home? What the fuck?

And he was too taken aback to respond as she led him over to yet another game that was designed to relieve him of as much of his cash as possible, usually in exchange for a plastic keyring or a bloody fridge magnet.

Stepping in through that giant smiling face hadn’t been as hard as she had expected. She was focused now. She was strong. She was going to find her family.

For the first five or ten minutes, as she searched through the park, she was avoiding it – that place where she had met her husband. But eventually, it was as though she was being drawn towards it and she gave in, allowing her legs to lead her to that familiar spot, as though a hook was attached to her navel, guiding her steadily towards it – just near the roller coaster. Up until now, she had been keeping her eyes open wide, scanning the crowds, searching for her family – but now, when she was sure she had the exact place, she closed her eyes and tried hard to transport herself back. Tried to change the sounds she could hear, the feel of the air on her skin. Pictured Liam as he was that night, walking towards her – shy but confident. His hair was a little longer back then, messier. God he was sexy.

She had to get him back. She had to get her family back. She had to make this right.

And that’s when she heard it. A child’s voice screaming out in delight: ‘Mummy!’

She whipped her head up so fast that her neck snapped.

That sounded like. Oh God, it is.

Gracie.

It was Gracie who saw her first.

Liam was just lining up his next shot, thinking how stupid this was. Thinking how Hannah would never demand that he win her a giant teddy. Wondering how in the hell he was going to get rid of Dee – and more than that, wondering how he was ever going to get his family back together – when Gracie suddenly screamed out, ‘Mummy!’

What?!

Before he could stop her, before he could take in the scene in front of him, figure out who it was that she’d seen, Gracie had torn away from him and was running through the crowds of people.

It can’t be. It can’t be her. She must have just seen someone who looked like Hannah and now he was going to have to console her when she realised. Leaving Ethan in his stroller with Dee, he took off running after her.

That’s when he saw her. She had turned at the sound of Gracie’s scream and she was looking right at him and it was her face. It was Hannah.

Before she knew it, Gracie had flown into Hannah’s arms and practically bowled her over. As Hannah landed with a thud on the ground, she could barely believe it. It had finally happened. Gracie was here, in her arms. Before Hannah could find them, her little girl had spotted her first. And right now, the rest of the world was receding around her and it was just Hannah and her baby girl, held so tight in her arms. And she was thinking to herself,
I will never, ever
leave you again
as her tears streamed down her cheeks and into Gracie’s hair.

When she finally looked up, she saw Liam standing above her, staring at her incredulously.

‘Umm.’ Hannah took in a deep breath, unsure of what to say – of how to begin a conversation like this. But then Liam had dropped to his knees next to Hannah, and he had wrapped his arms around the two of them, and he was hugging her just as tight as Gracie had and both of them were crying, and Gracie was laughing. ‘Daddy! You’re squashing me!’ she giggled, but it took several seconds before Liam registered what she had said and let go.

Eventually he leaned back and spoke. ‘God, Hannah, I don’t know what to say. Where do I even start?’ His voice sounded hurt and Hannah began to feel scared. When Gracie had flown into her arms just now, and then Liam had followed suit, she had been instantly filled with euphoria. Tiny sparks of hope for forgiveness from her family had flared and she had had visions of simply slipping seamlessly back into her life. Now she was coming back to reality – it wasn’t going to be that easy, was it?

That’s when Dee appeared above them, pushing Ethan in his stroller, clutching her little boy’s hand. She was staring at Hannah in shock.

‘What . . . what are
you
doing here?’ she spluttered. Hannah realised then how odd they must have looked, the three of them on the ground in a tearful embrace. In fact, she realised now that several people were eyeing them curiously as they walked past. Hannah resisted the urge to respond to Dee, who she recognised from Gracie’s preschool, ‘Well, what are you doing here?’ Was Dee the woman who had answered the phone? Was Dee here
with
her family? And why was she pushing Ethan in his stroller? The stroller that had once been Gracie’s. The stroller that Hannah could so clearly remember picking out with Liam when she had been pregnant that first time. They had raced strollers up and down the aisles of BabyCo until a staff member had icily suggested that perhaps speed wasn’t the feature they should be looking for in a stroller and they had nodded meekly and agreed to look at the safety features and the comfort, but in the end they had still chosen the one that Hannah had won the race with.

‘Should we move somewhere out of the way? So that we can . . . talk?’ Hannah asked in a small voice.

Liam nodded and stood up, then helped Hannah to her feet. Gracie was still clinging to Hannah’s neck, which Hannah was relieved about. She didn’t want to let her go yet either, and she kept her arms wrapped around her as she stood. They moved over to a bench seat and Hannah was acutely aware of how her heart was beating like a bass drum as she sat down and tried to prepare herself for the conversation that was coming. But first they needed to get rid of Dee. She couldn’t have this talk with an audience.

Luckily, Liam seemed to be thinking the same thing. ‘Listen, Deanne, I really appreciated all of your help today, but . . .’ he was obviously hoping she would take the hint and just leave. Unfortunately, she didn’t.

‘But,’ she said in confusion, her eyes on Hannah, an accusing tone in her voice, ‘where did you come from? How are you here? You can’t just be back.’

That’s when another woman appeared behind her. Hannah looked up to see another one of the mums from Gracie’s preschool, Jenny, with her two daughters by her side. ‘Hi,’ she said brightly. ‘We hung around for a bit because our train wasn’t for a while.’ Then she caught Hannah completely off guard by reaching out to clasp a hand on her shoulder. ‘It’s so good to see you back, Hannah,’ she said in such a genuine tone that Hannah almost wanted to cry again. She didn’t even know that Jenny knew her name. Then Jenny turned to Dee. ‘I think we’d best leave them to it, shouldn’t we, Dee?’ she said firmly. ‘I’ll walk you to your car,’ she added. Then Jenny guided the livid looking Dee and her son away, throwing an encouraging smile over her shoulder at Liam and Hannah as she left.

Finally, Hannah was alone with her family. Gracie was still on her lap, Ethan was asleep in his stroller, and Liam was sitting next to her, looking like he had a thousand questions he wanted to ask but – like her – he had no idea where to start.

So instead, they didn’t speak. Instead, Liam put his arm gently around Hannah’s shoulders and they sat like that for thirty minutes. Long enough to watch the sun set. Long enough to see the sky change from a pale blue, to a fiery orange with swirls of pink and finally, a deep, dark blue with pin pricks of stars beginning to appear.

Finally, as it began to get cold, Liam spoke. ‘Come home,’ he said, his voice thick with emotion.

‘Come home with us and we can talk about everything tomorrow.’

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

The following day they did talk. About everything. Liam called Amy and asked if she would mind coming to look after the kids for them and they went out to a coffee shop so they could have the discussion on their own.

When Hannah had said goodbye to Gracie there was a heartbreaking moment where she had hugged her tight and whispered, ‘You will come back again, won’t you, Mummy?’ and Hannah had felt a flush of heat behind her eyes and she had to concentrate very hard to keep her voice steady as she had responded to her daughter. ‘Yes, I promise, Gracie, I’ll be back.’

On the drive to the coffee shop they remained silent. Hannah felt so confused. They had spent the night wrapped up in one another’s arms. Never before had Hannah spent an entire night sleeping in that one single position. It was as though neither of them were prepared to let the other go – just in case. And as they fell asleep, Liam had whispered fiercely in her ear, ‘Don’t ever leave me again, Han. Please. Don’t ever, ever leave me again.’ And then he had pulled her in close, and begun to cry into her shoulder. Hannah’s body had felt weak with relief. He still loved her – despite everything, despite that message he’d sent her, despite what she had done to their family. They had both fallen asleep with tear streaked cheeks.

But what now? What was he going to say to her? And how was she going to explain everything to him?

When they arrived at the café, they both continued to avoid starting up the conversation, waiting till they had placed their orders for their cappuccinos and then waiting until the coffees had arrived. Waiting until there was no chance of interruptions before they began to speak.

It was Liam who broke the silence first. ‘What made you come back?’ he asked, as he stirred sugar into his cup. He was trying to sound casual, like he was just chatting with a friend about why they’d decided to come home early from a holiday, or what made them return to an old job. But his eyes were intense when he looked up from his coffee to wait for the response.

‘It was a friend,’ Hannah said slowly. ‘A girl I met in London. She made me see reason. Convinced me I could make everything right again. I flew back to Sydney, I was going to come straight home. But then . . . I called the house first, and . . . a woman answered. I had started to back out. I thought you must have moved on.’

‘God no,’ said Liam immediately. ‘That was just bloody Dee. She was there to take Gracie to the party, but then . . . we all ended up going. I told her not to answer the damn phone.’ Liam hesitated then. ‘There is something I have to tell you, though,’ and his voice was heavy with guilt.

‘I kissed another woman.’ The words came out in a rush and Hannah felt their sting, felt her skin turn cold. She kept her eyes down and when she spoke, her voice was raspy. ‘When?’ she asked. ‘Was it while I was gone because, you know, I left you . . . so I can’t really blame you for doing that.’

‘That’s the awful part,’ he said. ‘It was two nights before you left. I’m so, so sorry, Hannah. I know it will sound like a cliché, but it meant absolutely nothing. I was going to tell you – that day. I was going to have this big talk with you. I knew that something was wrong, but I’d been in denial about it. But when I kissed that girl, it’s like it woke me up – made me realise how bad things really were. I was going to sort everything out. Tell you the truth and make you tell me what you were really feeling. But then . . . it was too late. You were already gone.’

Hannah stayed quiet, trying to gather herself, trying to figure out how she felt about all of this. What was the right reaction? Was she allowed to be angry with her husband for kissing someone else? Or did everything she had done – walking out on her family, running away from them – negate that? Were they even now? Or did a simple kiss not even compare to what she had done? Or should she not be looking at it like this? It wasn’t really about making comparisons, was it? About scoring points – or losing them, as it was. This was a marriage, not a competition.

There were so many questions she wanted to ask.
Who was she? Why did you kiss her? How did it happen? Is she prettier than me? Do you still love me?
But instead, she needed to say her bit. ‘Listen, Liam, I did a terrible thing, to you and the kids. I don’t know how to explain it to you, but I’m so, so sorry.’

Liam seemed taken aback; she supposed he was expecting her to say more about his confession. He reached across the table and took her hands in his. ‘It’s not your fault,’ he whispered. ‘I need to say sorry too. I’m sorry I didn’t realise what was going on with you. I should have picked up on the signs. You had postnatal depression and I completely missed it. Or maybe . . . maybe that’s not true. Maybe I was ignoring it. Maybe I wanted to believe things were really as good as you were making out they were. I should have been there for you. I should have made you talk with me sooner.’

Hannah nodded. ‘And I should have said something too. I should have told you I was struggling. I don’t even know why I was trying to hide it now – it all seems so stupid.’

‘Look at me, Han,’ said Liam then, leaning in close. ‘We’re going to get through this together now, okay? All of it. We’re going to get you whatever help you need. You’re going to get better. And . . . and so am I. I’m going to be a better husband to you. Give you the support that you need. Make it up to you – what I did . . .’ He paused then, before saying carefully, ‘Han, I noticed that . . . that you haven’t actually held Ethan yet. Don’t you . . . you know, want to?’ he asked.

Hannah looked back at him, startled. Then she slowly shook her head. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to,’ she said shakily. ‘I’m scared to hold him, Liam. I know it sounds awful, but I’m terrified that if I hold him in my arms then that whole other world is going to come rushing back and I’m going to get sucked back down into that black hole. I just . . . I think I just need to get . . . better first. I can’t trust myself with him. It’s not that I think I could ever hurt him, not deliberately’ she added hurriedly. ‘I’m just scared.’ Hannah hesitated before adding, ‘Do you think I’m some kind of monster? I mean, what sort of mother leaves her newborn baby for almost two months and then doesn’t want to hold him when she comes back?’

‘No,’ Liam said firmly. ‘You’re not a monster.’

‘But that’s not what you thought the other night though, is it? That message you sent me. The one where you said you were done with me . . .’

‘Please, please don’t believe a word of it,’ Liam cut in quickly. ‘I didn’t mean it. Truthfully, I got angry. I was fed up. I was missing you and Gracie was missing you and I didn’t know what else to do, I was just so . . . frustrated. I thought maybe if I got mad, I could wake you up, you know? Shock you into coming back home. Maybe like reverse psychology or something stupid like that.

‘I didn’t mean a thing that I said in that stupid text message. I love you, Hannah, and I’ve never bloody stopped loving you, even when I was as mad as all hell with you for leaving us.’

‘I love you too,’ said Hannah, as the relief washed over her.

Despite their heartfelt reconciliation, over the next few weeks things remained somewhat tense between the two of them, even awkward, as they attempted to figure out how to pull their family back together. And it seemed as though it was going to take some time before Hannah could form any sort of relationship between herself and Ethan – he was just as wary of her as she was of him. In fact, the first time that Hannah had held him, two days after coming home, he had screamed so much that she had handed him straight back to Liam and fled from the room, hyperventilating with fear that her baby was never going to forgive her for what she had done.

The one person who had welcomed her back with open arms was Gracie. She treated Hannah as though she had just been on an extended holiday, showing her every drawing and painting she had created while Hannah had been gone and curling up on her lap each evening, absentmindedly playing with Hannah’s ponytail as they watched
 
In the Night Garden
 
before bed. If it weren’t for Gracie, Hannah’s whole being would probably be disintegrating, flecks of her soul scattering throughout Sydney, but Gracie’s
instant, unadulterated
forgiveness
 
was like a thick glue, pasting her back together.

They were talking about moving house as well. Maybe back to Leichhardt, where Hannah could remember having been so much happier. It was all up in the air at this stage, but the prospect of a new start was keeping Hannah optimistic about the future.

There had been one horrendous day though, when Hannah had found her letter. The one she had left Liam when she first walked out. She had discovered it folded up in Liam’s top bedside drawer and it felt like a piece of the past was reaching out and dragging her down. All that Hannah wanted was to forget about that part of her life. She wanted to block it out, pretend it never happened. But here was this letter that she could so clearly remember writing, hunched over their dining room table the night before she left – so sure that leaving was simply the only option.

But the letter’s discovery had led to one good thing. Liam had found Hannah sitting on the edge of their bed and he had sat down next to her and gently taken the letter out of her hands. As they sat side by side – Liam holding the letter in his hands, Hannah staring at the wall, afraid to move, afraid to speak, concentrating hard on stopping her hands from flying out, snatching the letter back from Liam and tearing it to shreds – Liam had said something.

‘You think you weren’t a good mother? You think you couldn’t bond with Ethan, or that you didn’t feel anything for our kids? If that were true then you wouldn’t have been able to write these things, Hannah. Look at it.’

And he held out the letter and waited. As Hannah read what she had written, pushing past the first few horrific lines where she told Liam that she was leaving him, she saw the messages that she had left behind specifically for her children to read one day.

Dear Gracie,

When you were younger, about two, you liked to put things behind your back to make them vanish and then you would hold your hands out and exclaim, ‘Where’s it gone?!’ You were like a tiny, little magician! So once you hid a coin behind your back and said, ‘Where’s it gone?!’ But then when you went to find it, it really was gone! We searched everywhere, in your clothes, on the kitchen floor, in the hood of your jumper and it was just gone! So I was very impressed with your magician’s skills. Anyway, later when I was undressing you for your bath, I took off your nappy and there was the coin. I couldn’t stop laughing and you smiled shyly at me, as though you weren’t quite sure what it was that I found so funny – but then you started laughing too, and I hugged your small body close and almost didn’t want to let you go for your bath.

Once, I was at the shops with you, you were standing with your arms folded and stamping your little foot about something that you wanted and a stranger stopped to say to me, ‘Oh, she’s getting a real, little personality of her own, isn’t she?’ And I remember thinking to myself –
Well, of course she has her own personality, she’s her own person, isn’t she?
But lately it’s got me thinking – what sort of a person will you be when you grow up? Will you keep changing and changing? Will you hit your teenage years and become grumpy and wear dark eyeliner and want to paint your room black? Will there be just one stuffed toy from your childhood that you’ll hang on to and keep hidden, in the back of your closet? And will your dad be able to cope with these changes, all on his own?

And so there’s just one thing that I wanted to tell you, for when you reach your high-school years, because I think you’ll be the type of person who is friends with everyone, I think that you’ll be kind and caring and you won’t get lost in the politics of high-school girlfriends – but just in case, maybe you could listen to this song on the first day of Year Seven: ‘Caught in the Crowd’ by Kate Miller-Heidke. Just listen to the lyrics and think about what they might mean to you.

Because I know that you will be amazing.

Dear Ethan,

You gave your first ever smile to your big sister. She was dancing around the house in her rainbow coloured skirt and you were lying on the floor, supposed to be having some tummy time, but I had to roll you onto your back because you hated lying on your tummy. Gracie starting spinning around and around right next to you and I could see your blinking lashes as you watched the twirling colours. Then she threw herself down onto the carpet and lay right next to you, with her face pressed so close to yours that your noses were almost touching. All of a sudden this beautiful grin spread itself across your face, and the more you smiled, the more Gracie smiled, and the more you smiled again! Then Gracie leapt back up and continued to dance and the whole time I had been standing in the doorway watching. Watching and smiling because the two of you were simply beautiful.