Paper Chains (21 page)

Halfway around the bay walk, they took a break and sat down on a bench to rest. Ethan was fast asleep in his stroller and Gracie was pedalling her trike in circles as she waited for her parents to get moving again.

Liam was resting the tips of his fingers gently on the back of Hannah’s neck, his eyes on the silver edged water in front of them.

‘Tell me more of what I missed while I was gone,’ said Hannah suddenly.

Liam turned to look at her, surprised. ‘You sure you want to talk about that? You won’t find it too upsetting?’

Hannah nodded.

‘Oh! I know something you missed. I can’t believe I forget to tell you about this. We got a pet bird.’

‘What do you mean? I haven’t seen any bird.’

‘Yes well, that’s because he only lasted twenty-four hours. I was trying to cheer Gracie up one day while we were at the shops. It was an impulse buy, beautiful cockatiel, cost over a hundred bucks. Got it home, set him up in his cage, had a big talk with Gracie about taking care of pets – she was thrilled, she named him Gary, by the way. Next morning she got up before me. When I came out into the kitchen the cage was empty. I asked her, “Gracie, where’s Gary?” “He’s just having a play date with his friends,” she says. Turns out she saw a flock of birds in the back yard, so she decided to take Gary out of his cage and release him out the back door. Needless to say, I decided we could replace Gary when she’s a little older.’

Hannah laughed. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t know you guys bought a bird.’ She shook her head. ‘Dammit, there’s so much that I really did miss.’

‘See, I knew we shouldn’t start talking about this. It’s just going to upset you.’

‘No,’ Hannah said firmly. ‘They’re my children; I need to know what happened in their lives while I was gone. Tell me more.’

As they stood up and began to walk again, Hannah pushing Ethan’s stroller and Liam guiding Gracie with the handle at the back of her trike, Liam filled Hannah in on one story after another. The week where Ethan decided bath time was torture and screamed for the entire duration of each and every bath, from the moment Liam began to undress him until he was dry and fully dressed once again, and how Gracie would put her hands over her ears and sing loudly to try and drown him out, which just added to the noise and commotion.

The day that Gracie ran away from Liam in the supermarket and he panicked because he thought he’d completely lost her, but it turned out she had sat herself down on one of the lower shelves and opened up a box of Weet-Bix to eat. A bemused looking older couple had spotted her and pointed her out to Liam.

Liam paused before telling her the next story. ‘Han, there’s one more thing that happened while you were gone. I haven’t told you about it because I was worried it would upset you . . .’

He hesitated and Hannah nodded at him reassuringly. ‘You can tell me.’

‘A few nights after you left, when I guess Gracie was starting to worry about where you were, she came into our room and found your nighty under your pillow. She told me she wanted to wear it to bed, and I started to say, “No, it’s too big for you, it won’t fit.” But she was adamant. Anyway, she ended up wearing it to bed every single night from then on. If it needed a wash, I had to have it dried and back to her within the day so she could wear it again that night. The first night, after we found you at Luna Park, I saw her sneak the nighty back into our room and under your pillow again. As though she thought, “Right, I don’t need that any more, I’ve got the real thing back.”’

Hannah turned her face towards the water, her neck slightly strained. She didn’t want Liam to see how upset she was.

‘Liam,’ she said quietly, ‘I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for what I did.’

‘Yes you can,’ Liam said firmly. ‘Because you know what? Gracie’s forgiven you and Ethan’s forgiven you and I know that you think he hasn’t because he keeps crying when you hold him, but that’s going to change, okay?’ Liam stopped walking and flung out an arm to stop Hannah as well. He turned to face her, grabbed hold of her hands and said firmly, ‘And I forgive you, Hannah.’

It was Sunday afternoon and Liam had popped out with Gracie to take a look at another place for sale in Leichhardt. The real estate agent had called to say he already had an offer on a place that they were interested in seeing and Hannah had suggested Liam look over it on his own and then let her know if it was worth her checking it out too. She didn’t feel like dragging Ethan out two days in a row unless it was really necessary.

So Hannah was left at home on her own with Ethan.

They were sitting on the floor of the living room together. The windows were open wide and a pleasant breeze was drifting in through the curtains. Hannah could smell jasmine on the wind. Jasmine made her sneeze. But it also smelt pretty, so she didn’t mind. It was early June, but there was a distinct feeling of an Indian summer in the air, and it was filling Hannah with hope.

Maybe I will be able to connect with Ethan, maybe we’ll fall deliciously in love with one another, the way all of those celebrity mums always describe the moment when they first meet their newborn babies.

Maybe this place that Liam is looking at right now will be perfect for us, and we’ll move there and be deliriously happy and we’ll fall deliciously in love (all over again) too.

Maybe I could just pick him up right now, ever so gently, and he won’t scream.

Hannah leaned forward and carefully lifted Ethan up off the carpet and onto her lap. She held her breath. Silence. For ten glorious seconds, Ethan sat comfortably on her lap without a sound. Then his lip began to tremble, his mouth opened and a great wave of wails came cascading out.

Well, I guess that’s progress, isn’t it?

Hannah tried to settle her nerves as they drove along Military Road. Certain situations still made her feel anxious, and tonight was definitely top of the list of nerve-racking situations.

‘You know we don’t really need to go, we could grab a takeaway pizza and go straight back home if you like? Or catch a movie or . . . anything you want.’ Liam glanced across at her, a worried expression creasing his face.

‘Nope, I said we’d be there. And I should. It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen any of them – apart from Amy of course. Just, maybe be prepared to leave early . . . if that’s okay?’

‘Of course it’s okay. I’ll fake a call from the babysitter if you like?’

‘Thanks.’

They arrived at the restaurant and Hannah steadied her breathing before stepping out of the car. Liam came around to her side and pulled her into a quick hug. ‘They’re just family, Han. No one will be judging you; they all know what you’ve been through.’

Hannah gave him a weak smile before they headed inside. She spotted her dad first, grinning across at them over the heads of the other patrons in the restaurant, easy to pick out thanks to his penchant for brightly coloured shirts and ties. He gave them an over-exaggerated wave to get their attention.

‘Yeah, Jack, we see you,’ Liam muttered under his breath, and Hannah laughed quietly, jabbing Liam in the ribs. He pretended to double over in pain and for just a second, she felt as though they were the old Hannah-and-Liam, the couple that joked around and were affectionate in public (without being excessively mushy) and were secure in their love for one another.

Maybe it was a window into their future?
she wondered hopefully,
and not just a reminder of the past.

Her stepmother, along with Amy and Amy’s husband, Luke, were already at the table, either side of Jack. Hannah smiled awkwardly at them as they approached the table. She moved to sit down, but Carol jumped up from her chair and grasped her shoulders before she could make it to her seat. Up close Carol smelt of strong, flowery perfume, and Hannah noticed the edge of a foundation line under her chin and the several grey strands on her head defiantly creeping through the orange hair dye.

‘Hannah, I’m so, so sorry about everything you’ve been through. I know that I’m not your mother – and I know that you would never want me to try and take on that role in your life – but I still should have been there for you. And if it’s okay with you, I’d love to become a bigger part of your life. What do you think?’

Bloody hell!

Hannah was lost for words for a moment, overwhelmed by her stepmother’s pre-prepared speech.

‘Ahh, sure, Carol, of course,’ she responded eventually. ‘Thank you,’ she added quickly. Carol then gave her a quick lip-sticky peck on the cheek before finally allowing her to sit down.

‘Jeez, Mum, you don’t want to start with a bit of light-hearted small talk or anything first?’ Amy joked, throwing Hannah a sympathetic look.

‘I just wanted to make sure the air was clear, that’s all,’ said Carol, looking a tad miffed. ‘We’ve been very worried about you, sweetheart,’ she added to Hannah. ‘And if you ever need someone else to talk to, you make sure you call, okay? Because I’ve been through it all before, and I know it’s tough. My goodness, when Amy was born, it was awful. She looked nothing like me – spitting image of my ex. And he was not an attractive man, let me tell you. And the set of lungs she had, it was as though she couldn’t stand me. A nurse would be cradling her and she’d be placid as a lamb and then they’d hand her over to me and she’d start screaming like a banshee. It was as if I was the devil incarnate. I actually said to the nurses, “You keep her; she could be your display model for the maternity ward.” Incidentally, they didn’t find my comment all that amusing. Stern breed, those midwives. Anyway, we got along eventually, didn’t we, Amy?’

‘Wow, thanks, Mum,’ Amy responded, ignoring her mother’s question.

‘Ahh, my wife, the ugly duckling,’ Luke joked, ruffling her hair.

‘Stop it!’ said Amy, batting his hand away. ‘And I’ve seen the pictures. I was a cute baby thank you very much. Massive ears, I’ll give you that, Mum, but I grew into them – thank God.’

‘Little Dumbo,’ Carol replied affectionately.

Hannah glanced at the two remaining empty chairs and Amy spoke up, ‘Just waiting on our eternally punctual siblings,’ she joked. Hannah nodded. Her other step-sister and step-brother were the two that she was most nervous about seeing. She didn’t feel as though she knew them at all. What if they thought her behaviour over the past few months was absolutely disgraceful? What if they hated her and dinner became a debate over her right to still be a parent, possibly fuelled by several bottles of wine and culminating in someone’s ocean trout and parsnip mash being thrown in her face (it was a seafood restaurant, so best bet it would be fish). Imagine how long it would take to get the smell out of her hair!

Hannah realised that while she had lapsed into this daydream the conversation had continued around her. Liam was chatting with her father about AFL. Jack had absolutely no clue about AFL, but he liked to pretend to know what was going on when he spoke with Liam; generally he just threw around generic phrases like ‘solid side they’ve got this year’, and ‘good to see Smith is back in the game, isn’t it?’ Liam generously refrained from pointing out that there wasn’t and never had been a Smith in his favourite team and just nodded along with his father-in-law. Amy and Luke were taking it in turns to sip from their glasses and playfully guess which flavours they could taste in the red wine.

‘Raspberry,’ said Luke firmly.

‘No, no, oak!’ cried Amy.

‘Ahh, thought I picked up on some earthy, wooden tones.’

‘You did not, you’re just copying me.’

‘Here they come,’ said Carol suddenly. ‘Our prodigal children, for once both back in the country at the same time,’ she added brightly.

Hannah’s toes curled in her shoes and she focused her eyes on the lower halves of their faces as she said hello to her step-brother and step-sister, afraid to catch their eyes in case they were filled with contempt or disgust. Liam sensed her stress and gave her knee a squeeze under the table. Unfortunately, he managed to hit a pressure point, causing her knee to jump violently and smash into the bottom of the table. Several water glasses trembled and a wine glass tipped over, sending a deep red stain across the white tablecloth.