Paper Chains (20 page)

On the night that I went into labour with you, it was raining. Hot, but raining. It was funny, because I hadn’t noticed the rain until I stepped out the front door, and then we saw big, fat droplets, splashing on the front porch. I remember driving first to Rita’s place, to drop off Gracie, and when your dad hopped out of the car with her, Gracie leaned back in to say, ‘Mummy, will the new baby come with anything?’ And I was confused for a second, and then she said, ‘You know, like a teddy bear or a pretty book?’ And I laughed and promised her that yes, the new baby would have a gift for her. But truthfully, we’d forgotten to get something, so I had to send your dad straight into the gift store when we arrived at the hospital, because I didn’t want to forget and I so wanted Gracie to be happy the first time she met you. Everyone tells you about sibling jealousy when you’re having a new baby. Funny thing is, when Gracie did finally come to the hospital and meet you, she couldn’t care less about the stuffed toy, all she wanted to do was crouch on the bed next to me while I held you, and all I could hear was her snuffley breathing as she gazed at you in amazement.

You were born with the most incredible amount of hair. Great, thick tufts of such dark, dark hair. One of the nurses brought in a troll doll (they’re these little plastic dolls with crazy tall, brightly coloured hair that were big in the eighties) that she had at home and gave it to me because she thought it was such a great joke. I’ll keep it forever you know, that funny little doll with its shock of purple hair.

When Hannah finished reading she leaned into her husband’s shoulder and she felt just a slice of hope. Maybe he was right. Maybe your heart couldn’t be empty if you could feel like that for your children.

Liam and Hannah were driving home from one of their sessions with Elizabeth – Hannah’s new psychologist. Elizabeth had been helping them to tackle one problem after another – Hannah’s food issues, her need to strive for perfection, all of her fears and insecurities. But today had been more of a couple’s therapy and at the end of the session, Elizabeth had leaned forward and announced happily, ‘Right, I’m forewarning you – next session we’re going to take a look at your sex life, so be prepared!’

So now the car seemed filled with tension as they both avoided talking about what Elizabeth had said. Hannah was driving and Liam was keeping his eyes fixed on the passing world through the passenger window. But Hannah eventually broke it. ‘So you think we’re supposed to do homework for the nest session?’ Liam looked over at her, momentarily confused, but he realised what she meant and they both started to laugh. The tension dissipated and they began to relax.

‘Do
you
want to . . . you know, do any homework?’ Liam asked.

‘I don’t know, do you?’ Hannah responded shyly.

‘God look at us, together eight years, married for four, and we’re acting like teenagers about to do it for the first time. I guess it’s been a while though, right?’ Liam suddenly spoke very quickly, ‘It has been a while, hasn’t it? I mean, you didn’t meet anyone in London, did you?’

‘No!’ Hannah almost let the car swerve off into the shoulder in her rush to reassure Liam.

‘Absolutely not, I could never!’

‘Sorry, just checking.’

‘That’s okay, but you believe me, right? You trust me?’

‘Of course,’ said Liam, and he meant it.

‘And you? It was never more than just that one kiss . . . right?’ Hannah sucked in her breath as she waited for a response.

‘I promise you – that was it, one stupid kiss.’

‘Good.’

They drove on in silence for several more minutes. As they finally pulled into their driveway, Hannah turned off the ignition and looked at Liam. ‘Tonight, kids in bed, dinner and then you and me: homework,’ and then she hopped out of the car quickly before Liam could respond, but as he watched her head towards the front door, she glanced back at him, still in the car, and he saw that she was smiling cheekily at him.

A few days later, Hannah was wandering along the footpath, pushing Ethan in his stroller, keeping an eye on Gracie as she trotted ahead, stopping every now and then to pick up interesting stones or examine ants crossing the path. They had just spent about an hour at the playground around the corner. Ethan had sat on a picnic rug, gurgling at his toys, while Hannah had pushed Gracie on the swings, caught her at the bottom of the slide and spun her on the
 
roundabout. Ethan still cried whenever Hannah held him, but Hannah had accepted that enduring his disapproving wails must be her punishment. Perhaps he would never love her? Elizabeth had tried to assure her that this was not in fact the case and that such thoughts were not conducive to her recovery – but she couldn’t help it; Ethan practically dived out of her arms whenever Liam was in sight. 

As they neared their house, Hannah heard the
 
roar
 
of a motorbike coming around the corner. ‘Look, Gracie, here comes the postie. Wonder if she’ll have any mail for us!’

Gracie beamed; she loved waving to the postie each afternoon. They sped up so that they could reach the mailbox at the same time as the letters arrived. Their postie lifted the visor on her helmet and smiled at Gracie. ‘You want to take this from me, sweetheart?’

Gracie looked ecstatic as she collected their mail and then they waved as the bike puttered on up the street and Hannah and the kids headed inside.

‘What have we got? Anything interesting?’ Hannah asked as she lifted Ethan out of the stroller and then quickly deposited him onto the rug in the middle of the living room floor, just as his bottom lip was starting to quiver.

‘Nah,’ said Gracie, ‘it’s just junk.’ And she chucked the mail onto the couch in perfect imitation of her father. Hannah suppressed a laugh as she picked up the letters to see what they actually were. She leafed through a few bills and then stopped as she found a bulky envelope with an airmail stamp. She flipped it over and a smile spread across her face. It was from India!

Tearing the envelope open, she sank into the couch to read the letter.

Dear Han,

Just a short one to say hi. I was in New York last week, and I started thinking of you. Remember when we met, you told me you were training for the New York marathon. Ha! You great big dork. Anyway, thought I’d make an honest woman out of you (see enclosed tickets, there’s only three, Ethan would fly for free, right?). You’ve got about five months to train up for it – if I can, I’ll meet you there, okay? To be honest, I don’t know where I’ll be by then, but for now, I’m thinking about spending some time by the river, so I can tell that little girl to stop crying for her lost parents and move on. I wish I could give her a hug. 

Love,

India

x

Hannah smiled as she touched the writing gently with her fingertips.
Oh India.
Then she checked the envelope. Hannah gasped – inside were three plane tickets to New York. She couldn’t believe that India had spent so much of her savings on her. And then she saw a letter, confirming Hannah’s entry into the New York marathon for November that year.

Hannah laughed out loud.

Hannah was putting sunscreen on the kids. Gracie was obediently standing frozen in front of her, lips pursed, eyes scrunched as Hannah spread the cream across her face. Liam appeared behind her and she immediately handed over the tube. ‘Good, you can do Ethan.’

They were about to head out to Leichhardt. They were going to take a look at a few places they were considering buying and then head over the bridge to Drummoyne to take the kids on the bay walk. Afterwards, dinner at Birkenhead Point. It was one of those perfect winter days, early on in June, when the air was crisp but the sky was clear and blue and if you stood directly under the sun you could pretend that summer was just about to appear – instead of it being months away.

Liam took the sunscreen and sighed. ‘Are you asking me to do it because you have your hands full with Gracie or because you’re afraid to touch Ethan?’ he asked.

‘Umm, first reason,’ she replied quickly.

‘Humph,’ he said, distrustfully.

‘Look, he still screams whenever I hold him. He hates me, Liam. It’s okay, I’ve accepted it, but it’s just easier for everyone if you deal with him and I deal with Gracie, right?’

‘Hannah! No, he’s your son. We can’t split the kids up into teams! You just have to keep persevering with him.’

‘You’re right, you are absolutely right . . . But not today. Soon, promise.’ Hannah smiled hopefully at Liam and he shook his head as he sat down on the couch with Ethan on his lap and began smothering his skin in the cream.

The phone rang then and Liam made to pass Ethan over to Hannah so he could go and grab it, but she sidestepped around him and raced for the kitchen to answer it herself.

‘Hello,’ she said into the receiver.

‘Hi, love.’ The voice was slightly gruff, maybe even nervous.

‘Oh, hi, Dad.’

Conversations with her father were usually quite short and sweet, so Hannah paused as she waited to see why it was that he had called.

‘So listen. Carol’s suggested we have a family dinner. Everyone’s so pleased that you’re back and that you’re okay. Your step-sisters and step-brother will be there. It’s next Saturday night. Can you make it?’

‘Umm . . .’ Hannah hesitated, but before she could think it through and respond, her father cut in.

‘Wonderful,’ he said, as though she had happily agreed. ‘Carol will be so happy that you’re coming.’

Hannah took down the details of the restaurant and hung up the phone. She stood still for a moment, wondering how she felt about seeing her whole step-family, wondering what they would think of her and what she had done. Liam appeared in the doorway.

‘Ready to go?’ he asked.

‘Sure,’ she nodded.

‘Who was on the phone?’

‘Dad. He wants us to go to dinner next Saturday. It’ll be a whole family thing.’

Hannah followed Liam back through to the living room and picked up the nappy bag while Liam carried Ethan and took Gracie by the hand. ‘What do you think?’ he asked as they headed out through the front door, locking it behind them.

‘Can’t say I’m in love with the idea. What if it’s really awkward? What if they hate me? It’s not like I was ever that close to them to begin with – imagine what they think of me now.’

They strapped the kids into the car and hopped into the front seats. ‘Look, have a think about it over the next few days; if it’s really making you uncomfortable, then we can always politely decline. But I really doubt anyone will have a problem with you. They’ll understand that you were going through something tough. Amy was good to you – wasn’t she?’

‘Yeah . . . I guess.’

The majority of the car ride to Leichhardt was spent playing eye-spy with Gracie, and then the house hunting involved squeezing their way into each place along with twenty or thirty other prospective buyers – apparently it was a sellers’ market just now. Finally they gave up and headed to the water to take their walk, hauling Gracie’s trike as well as Ethan’s stroller out of the boot when they arrived and parked. Hannah was glad they’d thought to put on sunscreen; despite the cooler air, the sun was high in the sky, beating pleasantly warm rays down on them as they walked.