Our Gang (28 page)

firmly believe that I was able to maintain and

perpetuate all that was evil in American life when I

came to power. Furthermore I think I can safely

say that I was able to lay the groundwork for new

oppressions and injustices and to sow seeds of

bitterness and hatred between the races, the

generations and the social classes that hopefully will

plague the American people for years to come.

Surely I did nothing whatsoever to decrease the

eventuality of a nuclear holocaust, but rather

continued to make progress in that direction by

maintaining policies of belligerence, aggression and

subversion around the globe.
I
think I might point

with particular pride to Southeast Asia, where I was

able to achieve considerable growth in just the sort

of human misery that the vengeful and vindictive

souls here in our great inferno would wish upon

the whole of mankind.

Now of course I do not claim sole responsibility

for the devastation and misery visited by my

country upon the Vietnamese, the Laotians and

ON THE COMEBACK TRAM
199

the Cambodians. In fact, I know that in the years to

come you are going to have the privilege of meeting

many of the men who were equally as devoted as

was I, and who worked long hard hours with great

dedication and selfsacrifice, as did I, to make life a

nightmare in that region for those Asian human

beings. I know when they get here they are going to

make a great contribution to Hell, and let me say in

that connection that if I am elected Devil, I will not

hesitate to avail myself of their counsel and advice

here, as I did there.

While it is true then that I was not the sole

author, leader and architect of this great program

for suffering launched by my country in Southeast

Asia, I will say this: when the opportunity to take

charge of our program was presented to me, I did

not stand pat on the butchery and carnage of my

predecessors. Because I know, as do you, that where

slaughter is concerned we cannot stand pat. We

cannot stand pat for the reason that we're in a race,

as I've indicated. We can't stand pat because it is

essential with the conflict that we have around the

globe that we not just hold our own, that we not

just keep suffering for ourselves, but that we extend

it to every last man, woman and child. And I am

confident that if you will look at the record, you will

see that this is just what I was able to accomplish

throughout Southeast Asia. I

200 OUR GANG

think you will agree that in the very brief time

allotted to me I managed to seize upon the opportunity

provided me by my predecessors and,

with the aid of the United States Air Force, I turned

that part of the globe into nothing less than Hell on

earth.

Now I realize, as you do, that despite my record

in Southeast Asia, there are still those who would

impugn my reputation by pointing to certain socalled

"humane" or "benevolent" actions that I

undertook while President of the United States.

Well, let me say, as regards these wholly unfounded

attacks upon my bad name, that I intend, after this

broadcast, to issue a black paper, showing that in

every single instance where they claim I was

"humane" or "benevolent," I was in actual fact

motivated solely by political self-interest, and acted

with utter indifference, if not outright contempt and

cynicism, for the welfare of anybody other than

myself. If and when any good whatsoever accrued

to anything but me and my career, it was-as I am

confident the black paper will make perfectly clearwholly

unintentional and inadvertent.

Now I am not saying that ignorance of benign

consequences is any excuse for a demon who

aspires to be your Devil. I am only admitting to you

that I was not so hideous on earth as I might have

been. But then I am sure that the great majority of

demons in Hell weren't either, and

ON THE COMEBACK TRAIL 201

that you share with me regrets about wasted

opportunities and pangs of conscience. But let there

be no mistake about it: I am no longer a man

burdened by all the limitations and weaknesses of

that condition, such as conscience, caution and

consideration for one's reputation. And I am no

longer the President of the United States, with all

the barriers and obstructions that stand between the

holder of that powerful office and his own capacity

for evil. I am at long last a citizen of Hell, and let

me tell you, that is a great challenge and a great

opportunity. And that is why I can assure you, my

fellow Fallen, that down here where no holds are

barred and nothing is sacred, you are going to see a

New Dixon, a Dixon such as I could only dream of

being while still an American human being, a Dixon

who humbly submits that he has what it takes in

experience and energy to be the kind of Devil all

you lost souls deserve.

Now in order that the four demons on tonight's

panel can proceed to questioning Satan and myselfand

let me say, I welcome their questions-I shall

now bring my opening statement to a close. But

before I do, I want to make one last thing

particularly clear to the denizens of Hell, and that is

this. In terms of eternity, I am a relative newcomer

to the Realm of Wickedness. But I am a student of

history

202 OUR GANG

also, and I must say that in reading through the

record of the current administration, and in particular

its relations with the Kingdom of Righteousness,

I have been shocked by a blatant example

of what I can only call an attitude of appeasementan

attitude, I am sorry to say, of outright submission

and surrender. I am talking, of course, of the

famous job case.

Now I know that in defense of his actions in that

case Satan has described to you in great detail all the

sufferings that he heaped upon this good man, Job.

And I am not going to say to you that he did not

torment him in the extreme. I am not going to try to

build myself up by downgrading the job he did on

job's sheep and his servants, and the loathsome

sores with which he afflicted him from head to foot.

There is no question but that the program of pain

and punishment' devised by Satan was the right one

in those circumstances.

Yet the question still remains, thousands of years

after the event, under whose auspices and in whose

behalf was that program devised? Under the

auspices of Hell? In behalf of the cause of

Wickedness?

My fellow Fallen, the answer is no. I am afraid

that if you read the record, as I have done, you will

find that it was under the auspices of Heaven, and

in behalf of Righteousness, that your own Devil

planned and executed job's pro

ON THE COMEBACK TRAIL 203

gram of P&P, a program by the way involving a

considerable expenditure of our resources. I am

afraid that if you read the record you will find your

own Devil taking his orders from none other than

the Lord God Himself. I am afraid you will find that

your own Devil did not so much as undertake one

Evil act without first obtaining the permission of

God. I am afraid that you will find that the reason

he exercised the patience of job was not to drive

him from obedience and destroy him, but to serve

God's justice-and, what is worse, to cause God's

righteousness to shine forth.

Now Satan has indicated on several occasions

during this campaign that I have been misrepresenting

his role in the job case. In order to set the

record straight once and for all, I am going to use

my remaining few minutes to read to you verbatim

from the minutes of the meeting that took place

between God and Satan at that time. And I leave it

to you, the degenerate and the debauched, the

dissolute and the depraved„ to judge whether the

charges I have made during the campaign, and that I

repeat here tonight on this broadcast, constitute "a

reckless distortion and deliberate misreading of

history." I leave it to you to judge whether Satan

was, as he claims, working "diabolically" and

"fiendishly" for the cause of Wickedness, or

whether
he
was, to put

204 OUR GANG

it in language everyone can understand, acting in

accordance with Divine Will.

This document I am holding in my claw is called

the Holy Scripture. It doesn't lie. That is why it is

nothing less than the Bible of our enemies. This is

their number-one best seller of all time. This is the

book with which they brainwash their children.

Contained here are all the truths with which they

intend to conquer the world. You can open it

anywhere and find enough wisdom and beauty on a

single page to disgust and outrage every
loyal
and

hardworking citizen of Hell.

Let me read to you from the secret conversation

between God and Satan, as documented in their

Bible:

THE LORD:
Whence
have you come?

SATAN:
From going to and fro on the earth,
and

from walking up and
down on it.

THE LORD:
Have
you considered my
servant job, that

there is none like him on the earth, a
blameless and

upright man,
who fears God and turns away from

evil?

SATAN:
Does
lot) fear God for naught? Fast
thou not

put a hedge about him
and his house and all that he

has,
on every side?
Thou hast
blessed
the work of his

hands, and his possessions
have
increased in the land.

But [and I am still quoting here from Satan,] but

put forth thy

ON THE COMEBACK TRAIL 205

hand now, and touch all that he has, and he will
curse

thee to thy face.

THE LORD:
Behold, all that he has
is
in your power,

only upon himself do not put forth your
hand.

That was the instruction given Satan by the Lord.

And what did Satan do? Exactly as God told him to.

Yes, my fellow Fallen, your own Devil became an

instrument of God's wrath.

Let me read to you now from the minutes of the

second secret meeting that took place in an