Our Chance (24 page)

“I like a roof over my head, Damon. I found a few jobs to apply for and I
will
leave sooner rather than later, but until then, I have to be earning money.”

“Have you handed your notice in yet?”

I smiled shyly. “No, I kind of planned to tell him to shove it one day and walk out. Completely immature of me, I know, but it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a
long
time.”

“Well, I fully support you.”

“I know you do. Thank you for having my back.”

“But?” He asked.

“But please speak to me before you go rushing in and shouting at the people who pay my wages.”

He raised his eyebrow and took a sip of his beer. “Just to let you know beforehand or so you have an opportunity to stop me?”

“Damon!”

Putting his glass down, he laughed and held his hands up. “Alright, fine. I apologise for the way I handled it.”

“Thank you.”

“Hey, can I talk to you about something?”

“Sure. You want to get together later? Feeling randy?”

He deadpanned. “No. Well, yes.”

“What’s up?”

Licking his lips, he looked me dead in the eye. “Do you still just see me as the guy you’re fucking?”

The waitress, having the most impeccable timing ever, placed Damon’s plate down with a fire engine red face. She didn’t look me in the eye as she put my pizza in front of me. “Can I get you anything else?” She asked timidly.

I bit my lip and looked away. He could call me immature all he wanted but I couldn’t talk to the woman without laughing.

“No, thank you, we’re fine.”

I actually did want ketchup but I wasn’t going to ask for it now.

“Enjoy your meal,” she said, hightailing it off the second she’d finished talking.

“Did you see her coming?” I asked. Nodding, he flashed me a guilty smile. “You arsehole! The poor girl was so embarrassed.”

“She works in a restaurant, Nell, I bet she’s overheard worse.”

I cut my pizza into slices and picked up one. “Not the point.”

“Are you going to answer the question?” He asked.

“Oh, that wasn’t just to make the waitress uncomfortable?”

He rolled his eyes. “Of course not. I was asking it anyway and decided not to stop just because she was there.”

Like normal people would have.

“No, I don’t just see you as the guy I’m fucking. I like to think we’re friends, since, you know, we’re friends.”

He blinked a few times and then cleared his throat. I thought he was going to say something else but he tucked into his steak without another word. Whatever was going on in his head it was clearly eating away at him. Usually he’d be joking around and flirting shamelessly.

I watched him concentrate too hard on his food. He cut the meat a little too vigorously, chewed a little too hard and held himself a little too rigidly. There was no denying he was pissed off but even with the tension in his eyes and his hostility, I could barely take my eyes off him.

To me Damon was perfect. I loved everything about him, even his protective tendencies.

“You okay?” I asked after an unbearable few minute’s silence.

“Mmm hmm, I’m fine. Your pizza good?”

It was but I suddenly didn’t feel at all hungry. Nodding my head, I forced in what I could. The shift from Scotland Nell and Damon to normal Nell and Damon was harder than imagined it would be.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

He dropped his knife and fork on the plate, making me jump at the clattering sound. “What do you want me to say, Nell?” I had absolutely no idea. “Forget it,” he said, shaking his head. “Can we please just enjoy lunch?”

With a twist in my stomach, I nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

I couldn’t enjoy lunch. There was a dark, heavy feeling that enveloped me, making me want to skip the rest of the day and hibernate at home.

Damon

Lunch yesterday was a disaster. Not only had we argued but she’d just cemented what I’d known all along: Nell wasn’t going to want more. Shit, even if she did, she’d never let herself have it. Something was really wrong because no one just decided to be alone when they didn’t want to.

I put in a fairly fucking desperate sounding call to Chloe. Nell had claimed my heart and every other piece of me so if there was even a glimmer of hope I was going to run with it.

“Damon,” Chloe said. “Now what could you possibly be calling me about?”

“Very cute,” I muttered dryly, earning a laugh.

“Go on, what’s she done.”

“Nothing. She’s not done anything. Nell’s perfectly okay to keep on the way we’ve been for years. I know full well that that’s what I signed up for so I can’t complain but… No, fuck it, I want to complain.”

“Please do.”

“I love her. I want everything. Hell, I’d marry her right now if she was willing.”

“Err, you probably shouldn’t say things like that to her.”

I laughed humourlessly. “Don’t I know it? How do I get her to open up? Do you even know why she’s so bloody stubborn when it comes to relationships? If anyone knows it’d be you.”

“Not really. All I know is that her parents had a rocky marriage and it put Nell off. I kind of thought that as she grew up she’d get out of the physical-only phase and realise she could have something real. God, last year she said she wanted more but very quickly changed her mind.”

“She did? She’s wanted that before?”
Hope, hello you beautiful bastard.
If she’d been open to it once, no matter how briefly, then there was a possibility she could again.

“Yes, but not for long. I think she was trying out just considering it.”

And there hope goes.
She couldn’t even get past considering it.

“Right,” I said.

“Look, Damon, if you really want to know I think you need to be having this conversation with Nell.”

“I know but what if…”

“If she doesn’t want anything?”

“Yeah.”

“What would happen then?”

Wincing, I rubbed the ache in my chest. “I can’t keep doing this. We said as long as there were no real feelings and it has gone way past that now. How am I supposed to have her that close to me but have no real part of her?”

Chloe sucked in a deep breath. “Are you going to break things off with her?”

“I don’t think I have a choice, Chlo.”

“I do understand where you’re coming from. There is no way I could have a casual relationship with Logan. But I’m worried about what this’ll do to her.”

“So am I, don’t get me wrong. I think I have to put myself first right now. I want her so bad. I want to go home to her, wake up to her, be the one she goes to for help and support, cook with her, have her steal my side of the bed, have her girlie shit all over the place. But she won’t give me that and I don’t know how to be around her knowing that. Loving her like this is killing me.”

“God, I hate to be the one to say this because I love that girl but if you carry on you’re both going to end up getting even more hurt. Just please, please tell me so I can be there for her.”

Things got very real, very fast. Chloe’s words were like a bucket of ice-cold water being tipped over my head. I already missed Nell and I hadn’t made my final decision yet – even though I knew full well what I needed to do.

“Alright. Thanks for the chat, Chlo.”

“Of course,” she replied softly. “And you know if you want to talk more first or if there’s absolutely anything I can do to help before… Well, you know, then just pick up the phone.”

“I will.”

We hung up and I felt like I had a fucking truck parked on my chest. And the only person I wanted was the one person that was shredding me from the inside out.

Nell walked into my flat with two Dominos boxes, a six-pack of Becks and a bottle of wine. It was times like these where we were so much like any normal couple it was easy to get lost and think it was real.

“How was your day?” She asked as she put the boxes on the worktop and got a wine glass out of my cupboard. She was comfortable enough to help herself around my place and treat it like her own, and she had absolutely no idea of what that really meant. Which was probably a good thing at the minute.

My conversation with Chloe was still at the forefront of my mind, fucking me up further.

“Not bad,” I replied, flipping the lids of open and popping the top on the bottle. “Yours?”

“I didn’t kill my boss and his son so the day was a success.”

Gritting my teeth, I asked, “They still giving you shit?”

“Yep. Nothing I can’t handle, though.”

“Sure?” I wanted her to say no and ask for my help. There wasn’t much chance of that, especially after the last time I paid her boss a visit.

She took a sip of wine and sat beside me at the island. “I’m fine, honestly. I won’t be there forever. God, I’m so starving. I think I’ll take your slices bet today.”

“Ah, will you,” I said.

“I’m eating you under the table, Mr.”

I laughed at what she’s said. “Not going to say no to that.”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, funny. After pizza if you’re lucky…”

My heart thumped and I felt a stir in my pants. “I’m suddenly not at all hungry.”

“You’re such a pervert, Damon. Eat your pizza.”

“Are you staying over tonight?”

“I can do,” she replied.

“Well,” I said, running my finger along her thigh. “I think that’s a good idea.”

She raised a jet-black eyebrow. “So do I. Maybe you should eat up so you have enough energy for me later.”

I would make a joke about how I wouldn’t need to eat but that wasn’t true. Nell was a demon between the sheets. I adored how much she loved sex and how unashamed she was about what she liked. It was the sexiest thing about her.

“Eat up, Nell.”

My phone rang as Nell elbowed me in the side, smiling up at me in a way she hadn’t done before. For a second I forgot the phone, the fact that we were only supposed to be friends, hell, I forgot my own fucking name because Nell was looking at me like she loved me.

She clicked her fingers in front of my face and I blinked. “It’s your mum.”

I took the phone off her and gulped before answering the call.

“Hey, Mum.”

“Hi, darling. How are you?”

“I’m good, just eating dinner with Nell.”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t realise you had company.” The way she said company made me press the phone to my ear harder in the hope Nell wouldn’t hear. My mother was just waiting for me to tell her me and Nell were exclusive.

“No, it’s fine. Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s great,” she replied. Her voice had risen suspiciously after finding out Nell was here with me. “So how is she?”

I looked over and saw her smirking at me. “She’s fine.” Soon going to be
very
fine.

“Can I speak to her?”

“Err, she’s eating, Mum.”

Nell mouthed ‘speaker phone’. My mum could be a little overenthusiastic sometimes so I was reluctant but I wanted Nell to get along and be comfortable with my family. “Hold on, Mum,” I said and put her on speaker. “We can both hear you.”

“Nell, how are you, darling?” Mum asked, sounding a lot happier to talk to her than to me. She was bloody desperate to marry me off.

“I’m great, thanks, how’re you?”

“Much better now. What has Damon cooked for you?”

Nell laughed and then pouted at me. “He hasn’t, I brought pizza with me.”

“Damon!”

I rolled my eyes. Here we go…

“She offered, Mum.”

“You can’t let your girlfriend live off pizza.”

Fuck. Panic sparked in Nell’s eyes.

“Mum,” I said warningly.

“I mean it, Damon. I raised you better than that.”

“Mum,” I snapped. “I have to go, I’ll call you later.”

An icy pit settled in my stomach. Nell didn’t talk or move as I hung up.

“Sorry about her, she gets a little…mum occasionally.”

She licked her lips. “It’s okay.” Her voice was low and reserved. It was definitely not okay.

“Are we cool?”

“Yeah, as long we know this is what it is and it won’t turn into some fairy tale.”

Wow. Her words ploughed into me like a fucking freight train. “Right,” I said. “Just casual.”

She put the pizza crust down that she’d been holding stiff in her hand since Mum’s bloody girlfriend comment. “Yep, just casual.”