Our Chance (28 page)

Mum was dead. Dad was responsible. And the only surprising part to me was that it’d taken this long to happen.

“Are you okay?” Nan asked, periodically wiping her eyes as she drove.

“No, I’m not.” I was having an out of body experience. I was crying while I felt robotic and somewhat detached. “You?”

She shook her tight permed head. “I just can’t believe it… We’ll get to the bottom of this.”

Get to the bottom of it? We knew the basics. We knew enough to understand what had happened. They fought all the time; they were so violent that this was the only place it could end.

Was she more concerned about Dad when her daughter-in-law was dead? Right now, no matter what the circumstances were, I couldn’t care less about Dad. I just wanted to be with my mum.

Nan pulled into a parking space at the hospital as close to Accident and Emergency as she could get. Mum had come in through A&E so that was the best place to start. We didn’t know if she would’ve been transferred to the…morgue yet.

I froze up as we raced through the automatic doors. The rushed journey here gave us something to do but now we were here, the last step was seeing her dead. Was that really how I wanted my last moments with her to be?

Things were strained when I was over for dinner but we had a laugh, said ‘I love you’, kissed on the cheek and had a hug. That was better than crying, not hearing ‘love you’ back and kissing a cold cheek.

I felt like I’d been plucked out of the air and thrown out somewhere cold and alone. No one was here to tell me what to do for the best. The best for me. Nan had her son at the forefront of her mind. If she was allowed to see him I doubt she would be here now.

Shivering, I wrapped my arms around myself and looked around. People in white coats walked past. Patients milled around waiting to be seen. The receptionist talking to Nan spoke with her head at an angle – the sympathy angle. I bet I looked really odd standing in the middle of the entrance with my arms wrapped tightly around my middle.

Everyone moved so gracefully through the entrance of the hospital. I expected rushing around, shouting, blood and gore but there was none. Everything around me was so calm and although I stood still and peaceful, I was anything but.

They were all so completely absorbed in their own lives. No one noticed me at all. I had never felt so alone in my whole life. Was I an orphan, or were you only given that title if you were a minor? Was there even a word for adults that had lost their parents?

I hadn’t lost my dad, not really. But in every way that felt real, he was gone.

It’d been a very long time since I’d hero-worshipped the man but what was left of my heart bled for him. How could either of them let it happen? Why didn’t they just stay away?

My skin felt too tight. I didn’t want to be alone in this anymore. Nan was here but we weren’t particularly close. There wasn’t one time in my life where I’d confided in her or looked to her for comfort. The only person I could rely on was my best friend.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent Chloe a text message. One short, blunt and to the point: ‘
Dad killed mum. I’m at the hospital.’

Less than twenty seconds later it was ringing.

“Nell?” Nan said, now back with me and looking my ringing phone.

Huh, when did she get back over here?

“Do you want me to answer that?”

I held it out to her.

Where’s Mum?

“Hello…No, it’s Nell’s Nan.” Chloe must have spoke for a while because Nan listened. I bet she was ranting and stumbling over her words, frantic to find out what my text was about. I should’ve called her but I wasn’t sure I could say the words aloud.

“Yes, it’s true. There was a fight and she fell down the stairs.” Nan placed her hand on my cheek and said the words for Chlo to hear but they were all for me. “She hit her head hard on the wall and that... Well, it killed her instantly.”

She died instantly? Please say that was true. How would Nan know that? Dad told her maybe?

I nodded and as I blinked a wave of tears rolled from my eyes.

It made me feel a tiny bit better that my mum didn’t suffer. But did she know she was going to die? I couldn’t bare the thought of her being terrified of death as she fell at the hands of a man who should’ve protected her. None of it made sense to me. I could count on one hand the number of people I loved, and three of them were only because I was duty bound to, and I knew I could never, ever hurt them.

“Yes, I think she would want you here,” Nan said and told Chloe we were in the waiting room of A&E. Wouldn’t we go to the morgue soon? “Okay, bye.” She hung up, handed the phone back to me and kissed my cheek.

“Nan,” I said as she took my hand and led me…somewhere. “Where are we going?”

“That’s up to you. Do you want to see her? It doesn’t have to be now if you’re not ready.”

“When if it’s not now?” It wasn’t like we could grab coffee next week. When the fuck would I see my mum?

“The funeral home, lovey.”

I stopped dead in my tracks, making her stumble. The funeral home when they’ve cleaned her up and made it look like she was sleeping. They would cover cuts and bruises as best they could. I wanted to see my mum when she looked like my mum.

“I want to do that. I don’t want to see her now.” I didn’t ever want the image of her looking broken in my head.

“Okay, we can arrange that. Whatever you want, Nell.”

“Chloe’s coming, isn’t she?”

“She said she is but I can call her back and let her know I’m taking you home.”

“No!” I snapped, taking a step back. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Her speckled grey eyebrows knitted together. “Why?”

“Because…I can’t.” I looked around, panicked. Could they make me leave if I wasn’t here with a purpose? “I can’t leave her here, Nan.”

“Oh, Nell.” She wiped her eyes again. “You can’t stay here, love. You need to go home. There’s nothing we can do right now. Let me take you home and wait until your friend gets there.”

Where was she going after? Actually, I knew that one. She’d ditch me the second she got a chance to go to the station.

“No, thank you. I’m staying here. I’ll wait for Chloe.” And stay with Mum for as long as I could. “You go and do what you need to.”

“Sweetheart, he’s my son. And he’s your dad. Whatever you think he loved your mum too.”

That wasn’t love. It was obsession and habit and selfishness. Calling it love was an insult.

“I understand,” I replied, pursing my lips. “I’ll speak to you later.”

“I can’t leave you here by yourself.”

“I won’t be by myself for long, and if I’m honest I wouldn’t mind sitting down alone for a while.”

“Nell…”

“Please, Nan. This is what I want. Will you tell me what’s happening with Dad when you know?”

“Of course,” she said, gripping me in a warm hug. “I love you, darling.”

Why did I never feel like I was whole and complete when my family said that? I knew they loved me, in their own way, but the only person that I’d really, really
felt
it with was Damon.

“Love you too,” I replied, trying to sound as sincere as I could.

Nan left and I walked over to a quiet area in A&E to the side of the doors. People chose to be closer to reception, probably so they could keep an eye on who was coming and going to make sure they weren’t overlooked.

I didn’t want to be noticed and I was already freezing right down to the bone so sitting by a chilly door wasn’t going to make any difference to me.

My cloak of invisibility was lifted when a nurse knelt in front of me. “Are you okay?” She asked.

“I’m waiting for my friend,” was my reply.

She nodded, stood up and walked away.

Then I was alone again. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling and the realisation made me feel sick. My whole childhood I felt alone. I had Chloe but because I couldn’t let her in and tell her what was going on, I never really felt like I had anyone. She knew now and I’d have to tell her everything.

The pain of opening up and baring all, took my breath away.

Damon

Life without Nell in it was pure shit. I knew I’d made the right decision for us both, but no part of it felt good. I’d spent the whole morning snapping at everyone and I was pretty sure I screwed my chances at becoming a partner.

Miranda, my joint assistant, poked her head around my door. “Can I speak to you for a minute, please?”

I wanted to tell her no and that if she spoke to me again I’d fire her on the spot. But I didn’t. Grinding my teeth, I gestured to the chair. “Sure.”

She walked into the room and sat opposite my desk, her heels clicking against the polished concrete floor. “I know it’s not my place but I just wanted to ask if you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” I replied.

“Well, I’m glad about that…”

“What’s going on, Miranda?”

“The email you sent me yesterday had a few mistakes on it. Only minor things and I was able to check your contacts to find the correct addresses of the clients but it’s unlike you. I’m sorry, I just wanted to see if there was anything extra I can help with?”

Sighing, I ran my hands over my face. “No, I’m sorry. My head’s been all over the place lately. I should’ve double checked the details. I apologise for making more work for you.”

“It’s no problem. I was hired to assist you and Rich. I just want you to know that if you need extra support at work, I’m willing and capable of taking more on.”

“I know you are, Miranda. Thank you, I appreciate that. Can you move my four o’clock to next week, I’m going to leave early today.”

“Of course. Is there anything else?” She asked, standing up and flattening her tartan pencil skirt.

“No, but maybe in a week or two we can look at your responsibilities.”

She beamed, her bright red lipstick cracking with her smile. “That sounds wonderful.”

Hell, if she wanted more shit to worry about then she could have it. Rich gave her much more than I did because I hadn’t been full-time for long and wanted to experience everything. But I was confident I knew enough now and I was (usually) shit hot at my job, so Miranda could take some of the load off.

As soon as she’d closed my heavy wooden door I closed my computer down and got my phone – which had a booty call text from a girl I’d met last week. I was done for the day. I was going to go home, get laid and forget everything that drove me insane for a while.

Emma threw her head back as she came, digging her nails into my thighs. It was enough to make me follow suit. I held her hips still, pressing deeper into her. As soon as it was all over I felt empty. Emma was a good girl, sweet, funny, killer in bed, and knew the score. But she wasn’t Nell.

She groaned and lifted off, kissing my chest and laying beside me while she caught her breath. “I have to meet the girls in half an hour,” she said. “I better be able to feel my legs soon.”

Laughing, I looked over and raised my eyebrow. “If you come back, I’ll finish the job properly.”

“Damon!” She chastised, slapping my arm lightly. “I don’t think I could go again for a while.”

Neither could I, but for a completely different reason. I wanted to be able to slot back into my pre-Nell life but she’d been around for six years and it was hard to re-adjust. There had been a few girls while me and Nell were fucking around too. It was never as good, never felt as right as it did with her, which was why I barely went there, but I was still able to do it then without all this
guilt
.

Today was my third time with Emma and I knew that would be it. Things with Nell started as a couple nights when her friends merged with mine for the first time, and there was absolutely no way I was getting myself into another situation like that.

Emma rolled off the bed and started getting dressed. My suit jacket was lying by the door and the pinstripe shirt was near it. Thankfully my charcoal trousers were beside the sofa so I dumped the condom in the bin, slipped the trousers on and waited for Emma.

“Okay,” she said, swiping her heels from the floor. “I’m ready.”

She didn’t look ready. She looked like she’d just been fucked. Her hair was no longer sleek and styled from where she’d been throwing it around, her mascara had smudged, and her cheeks were flushed.