Our Bodies, Ourselves (39 page)

One woman sees it as a team effort:

I think it's hot when I'm comfortable enough to touch myself when a partner is being sexual with me, and I think it's hot when she does the same. I do feel like it opens up a certain vulnerability, though, because it requires some explicit acknowledgment of something you want…. It's easy to slip into the mind-set of “I'm touching myself because my partner isn't doing something I want,” or “My partner is touching herself because I'm not doing something she wants.” But I don't think that has to be true. I think it's possible for someone to simply be comfortable enough
with a partner that her own pleasure becomes a team effort. Which makes things more fun for everyone.

Women often crave to penetrate or be penetrated during sex, be it by tongue, dildo, penis, or finger(s). Vaginal penetration (which some people prefer to call “insertive sex”) can be gentle, playful, intimate, forceful, or passionate. It can be thought of as reciprocal, with one of you enveloping whatever it is the other is using to insert and explore.

I can so clearly remember moving in and around him, and him in me, till it seemed in the whole world there was only us dancing together as we moved together, as we loved together, as we came together. Sometimes at these times I laugh or cry, and they are the same strong emotions coming from a deep protected part of me that is freer now for loving him.

© Marc Romanelli/Getty Images

Penetration can be fantastic for some women, unpleasurable/undesirable for others, or somewhere in between. The key is to communicate to a partner what you want at the time.

If you want your partner to enter you, make sure together that your vagina is wet from vaginal fluid or lubricants. For penetration to give you pleasure, you need to feel sexually excited, your vagina wet and open. Some women may feel ready for penetration immediately; for others it takes more sexual activity, including masturbation. You or your partner can apply water-based lubricants, or even saliva, or use a lubricated condom. Do not use Vaseline or any oils, as these destroy latex condoms, dental dams, and diaphragms.

Certain positions may feel better than others.

You can sit or lie on your partner, or lie side by side. You can sit up facing each other, with your legs over your partner's legs. Or your partner can enter you from behind and reach around to caress your clitoris, or you can do it, too, in this position.

Pressure at the back of the vagina can be the key to orgasm for some women, but painful for others. If you want deep penetration and pressure on your cervix, choose positions that make these more possible. We are all different shapes and need to find positions that suit us. For those of us with injuries or disabilities, being creative and using pillows for support may increase comfort.

If a man is highly aroused when he begins penetration, he might ejaculate quickly if he moves rapidly back and forth inside you and you move your pelvis against his. If you wish to prolong intercourse, both of you can slow your movements. Experiment with holding your bodies still for a time when he enters you; then begin to move together slowly.

When penetrating a partner's vagina, you can stroke, tap, circle, thrust, and experiment with different rhythms and speeds. Try stimulating her G-spot. You can use a dildo or other sex toy, or put one or more fingers inside and, if you both like, gradually your whole hand (sometimes called fisting). It can feel warm, wet, and wonderful.

The increased use of erection-enhancing drugs such as Viagra (sildenafil) has affected the sexual lives of many women who have sexual intercourse with men. Some welcome a male partner's firmer erection and more sustained thrusting; others, for whom penetration isn't necessarily desirable all the time, may find that the drugs contribute to an unwanted focus on intercourse and longer periods before a man reaches orgasm. This is a communication issue as well as a medication issue.

Sucking or licking a partner's genitals, when done to a woman, is called cunnilingus (slang: going down, eating out) and, when done to a man, is called fellatio (slang: blow job, giving head).

We're really into oral sex, and he's always ready and willing. He'll say, “Do you want to have an orgasm?” And he'll go down on me. It's terrific.

Early on in our relationship (when I was still pretty unsure of how to go about this whole having-sex thing) I made a tentative reference to going down on her and she said (gently) something to the effect of, “Just so you know, I've never been a big fan of oral sex, it doesn't really do much for me.” Oh, okay. So I let it drop. But I really, really wanted to taste her, so during lovemaking not long after I kinda kissed my way down to her groin, and then up her thighs, and then (all the while looking for “stop” signals) spread her legs and plunged in …five minutes later she had come! “And this,” I told her breathlessly, “from a woman who claimed not to like oral sex!” “I didn't until five minutes ago!” she replied. How is that for validation? I really had no idea I was capable of making someone else feel that good, running on instinct like that. It's so incredibly gratifying.

I love oral sex—giving and receiving. When I am giving oral, I get off. It's an incredible feeling. I have had partners who refuse to go down on me because they didn't like it or I didn't shave or whatever. I never didn't give them a blow job because they wouldn't reciprocate. I'm really not willing to make this sacrifice anymore.

At first I was repulsed by the idea of going down on a woman. I thought that we smelled bad, that vaginas were nasty. It was a little pungent and intimidating in the beginning (though less so than a penis had been!). I soon learned to lose myself in the wonderful textures, tastes, and formations of a woman's genitals.

Like everything in sex, oral sex is good only if we want to be doing it:

Often a guy I'm dating will say, “If you won't have intercourse, just give me a blow job.” But if I didn't want him in my vagina, I probably don't want him in my mouth.

Sometimes it's incredibly erotic for me to have his penis moving in my mouth. Since I don't enjoy swallowing his semen, I usually spit it out or let it flow out on the sheets, and that's fine. Sometimes, however, blowing him makes me gag—I don't want his penis filling up my mouth at all. Then we do something else. Or we get in a position where I have more control, like being on top of him with the base of his penis in my hand.

What feels good in oral sex may differ from time to time and from person to person. Hot and cold sensations can be added with ice cubes and edible lotions—you can also try whipped cream, chocolate sauce, or other foods.

The anus can be stimulated with a finger, the tongue, the penis, a butt plug, or any smooth, slender object, so long as it has a flared base and can be retrieved easily.

For many people, the anus is a highly sexually sensitive area:

I like having something small in my anus during lovemaking—no pressure or movement, just feeling it there.

Having the area around my anus licked during oral sex is a real turn-on. And anal intercourse when I'm in the mood is incredibly sexy. I love the
sensations deep inside me and the thrill of doing something so unusual.

The anus is not as elastic as the vagina, so be gentle. Go slowly, wait until you're relaxed, and
use a lubricant
. If anal penetration hurts, stop. Don't use numbing lubricants. Suppressing or ignoring pain signals can cause lasting damage.

Anal bacteria can cause serious vaginal infections and cystitis, so if you want your partner's finger or penis or a dildo in your vagina after it has been in your anus, be sure to wash it well first, and use a fresh condom. If you or your partner wants to use a tongue in the anus (sometimes called rimming), using a dental dam with lubrication can protect against getting a stomach infection or a sexually transmitted infection.

Being on the receiving end of anal sex with a man is a very risky activity for HIV transmission. The delicate tissue in the rectum is prone to small tears that make an entryway for the virus. Use a latex or polyurethane barrier (male or female condoms) each time you have anal sex (see
Chapter 10
, “Safer Sex”).

Anal intercourse isn't for everyone:

My husband wants to have anal sex a lot because he likes the tight fit and the exoticness of it.

Once it happened. There was lubrication, and everything was right and it felt fine…. A few times it's been almost painful and I've stopped it.

I wish I liked it better, because I'd love to give him that pleasure, but I have to be honest—I just don't enjoy it.

In our one great try at anal intercourse, I ended up jumping three feet in the air and squealing like a stuck pig. This so terrified him that he completely lost his erection, and we laughed and laughed. I don't think it ever really got in or anything—somehow we hadn't quite worked out the logistics of it.

Today as I stretched out before my run, I closed my eyes and imagined my lover's naked body…. I could feel her breasts on my face and in my mouth, our bodies reaching out, drawing close, and then wrapped together. The images and feelings sailed me through an hour of strong running.

Most of us have fantasies, sometimes in the form of fleeting images or sometimes as detailed stories. The thoughts and images we carry in our minds can evoke strong physical responses. Many sex researchers assert that the brain is the most important organ of sexual pleasure. Some women experience orgasms from fantasies alone. Sharing fantasies with a partner can be erotic:

We've just started to talk about the fantasies we have during sex. At first it felt somehow disloyal that I've needed fantasies when the other person was such a good lover. Now we figure, the more pleasure, the better.

Fantasies treat us to all kinds of erotic experiences, including situations that seem taboo. Many of us enjoy these stories and images even if we have no interest in acting them out. But if you repeatedly have fantasies that disturb you, you may want to talk about this with a trusted friend or a trained counselor.

Some people say that if you fantasize about sex being forced on you, it means you want to be raped. This is
not
true. Totally unlike actual rape, fantasizing about rape or enacting a rape fantasy is voluntary and does not bring physical pain or violation. For those who grew up learning that “good girls” don't want sex, a fantasy of
being forced to have sex may free us of responsibility and can be highly erotic:

In one of my juiciest fantasies, a woman and a man tie me up and make love to me and to each other. There is something extremely erotic in imagining being that powerless. In real life, my lover and I do at times feel totally vulnerable to what the other does or wants. This fantasy lets me play around with the power dynamics that are sometimes so intense between us.

We may distrust fantasies that seem to play into male pornographic images of women as submissive or masochistic, and we may imagine that in a less sexist future, fantasies of dominance would not happen. Yet for some, the fantasy of being dominated is a real and important sexual desire—one that is not necessarily a product of a sexist culture:

One of the biggest struggles I had as a feminist exploring my sexuality in my early twenties was coming to terms with the fact that a lot of my sexual fantasies—at least the ones that lead fastest to climax—have some element of bondage, domination, restraint, coercion. I was really upset by that for a while. Not only am I absolutely against nonconsensual sex on a political, humanitarian level, I also couldn't square my desire to be dominated in sexual fantasy with my extremely strong-willed, bloody-minded personality. In real life, there is nothing that will make me dig in my heels and refuse to cooperate faster than someone telling me I don't have a choice. Yet here I was in my fantasies getting wet and heavy and achingly ready to orgasm when I imagined myself tied down, penetrated, etc., without any option of refusal. In solitary sex, I came to terms with it by realizing that fantasy (over which I have, ultimately, complete control) is categorically different from reality.