Our Bodies, Ourselves (36 page)

The Role of the Clitoris

For many women, the clitoris is the organ that is most sensitive to stimulation and plays a central role in elevating feelings of sexual tension. Although it's sometimes called “the joy button,” the clitoris is actually much more than a single spot; it is an expansive network of erectile tissues,
glands, and nerves
.

You or your partner can stimulate your clitoris in many different ways—by rubbing, sucking, stroking, kissing, and using body pressure or a vibrator. Any rubbing or pressure in the mons area or the vaginal lips (even on the lower abdomen and inner thighs) can move the clitoris and may also press it up against the pubic bone.

Once a lover knows my body well enough to be able to get me off fairly easily, it feels so good to relax and relinquish control over what's happening. After, I love feeling sexy and pleased with my body, that it responds to all these fun sensations and I can reliably get release in the way that I crave. For someone who's had a pretty rough relationship with her body over the years, it feels big and important now to be crazy about my body through the way it experiences pleasure.

Sometimes it can be difficult to know if you've had an orgasm:

The way I've heard about orgasms is there's supposed to be a big release, but that's not the way it works for me. I feel a really intense buildup
that feels great, and then suddenly, my clitoris becomes too sensitive to keep stimulating, so I stop. I no longer have a desire to keep going, and I just feel relaxed and tired, in a good way. I always wonder, did I miss the climax? Or was that not really an orgasm?

If arousal occurs without enough stimulation to orgasm, sexual tension subsides eventually without orgasm, though it takes longer, and your genitals and/or uterus may ache. This is the analogue of “blue balls” for men; it has the same cause and will resolve itself. Many women have been convinced (mostly by men) that the male version of this ache is somehow dangerous and deserves immediate relief, while also believing that the female version is of no real consequence because it will go away if you let it.

Some women orgasm once, some twice or more in quick succession. But even though multiple orgasms are possible, this doesn't mean that everyone has them or that you're sexually inadequate if you don't. Partners may expect it, too, yet one orgasm can be plenty, and sexual expression without orgasm can also be pleasurable. Sometimes orgasms (single or multiple) become one more performance pressure or goal:

When I try too hard to have an orgasm, it usually doesn't work and I end up frustrated and bored. For me, it's best if I relax and let it happen if it's going to.

Many women have never had an orgasm or have difficulty experiencing one. Sometimes information or experience are all that's lacking. Some women find it easier to orgasm when the muscles around the outer third of the vagina (pubococcygeus muscles) are strong and well exercised (see
“How to Do Kegel Exercises”
).

Shame about exploring and touching our bodies keeps some of us from learning to bring ourselves to orgasm through masturbation. Sexual, physical, or emotional abuse (past or present) may also impair the ability to orgasm—arousal may restimulate mental and/or physical memories of the abuse, even in a consensual, noncoercive, and trusting relationship.

While some women don't ever experience orgasm, most of us, with exploration and experience, will. If you are distressed by not having orgasms, you can explore how to have one. Experiment with masturbating. Try using a vibrator alone or during sex with a partner. Sex therapists are specifically trained to help women understand the complex blocks to orgasm, which may include physical issues, negative memories, partner dynamics, education, “just say no” cultural messages, and fear of reaching out for what we want. Helpful books and videos are available in the resources section at our bodiesourselves.org.

With a partner, here are some problems that may get in the way of orgasm:

• You don't really want to be having sex with this person right now, or communication about sex is poor.

• You and/or your partner need more sex education in order to understand what's happening during arousal.

• You're too busy thinking about how to do it right, why it doesn't go well or quickly enough, or whether your partner is into it or feeling impatient or tired.

• You're afraid of asking for too much and seeming too demanding.

• You're afraid that if your partner concentrates on
your
pleasure, you'll feel such pressure to orgasm that you won't be able to—and then you don't.

• You're trying to orgasm at the same time as your partner (simultaneous orgasm), which seldom occurs.

• You're angry at, or have unresolved emotional issues or conflicts with, a sexual partner.

• You're angry or scared about something that happened in the past, which may or may not have involved the present partner.

• You're feeling guilt about having sex and cannot really enjoy it.

• You've bought into the assumption that with a male partner, women should have orgasms through intercourse, and it's just not working.

• You've fallen into a pattern of “faking” orgasm to please a partner or to get it over with.

For some women, sexual intercourse may not ever lead to orgasm, even when it feels good. This is perfectly normal. Direct and sometimes prolonged clitoral stimulation both before and during intercourse is often necessary. Intercourse can be about pleasure or connection; it doesn't have to focus on orgasm.

Not being able to have an orgasm with a partner is not by itself a flaw in a relationship, though it can sometimes be a clue that the relationship needs to change in some way. It may also be that you or a partner needs to learn more about your sexual arousal and responses:

Vaginal penetration alone doesn't make me orgasm, and this is true for many women. I need direct clitoral stimulation, and I need it done right. I've only had two partners who have been able to make me orgasm without my assistance at all, out of what I generally count as eleven partners. And even for these two, it took them a good long time to learn how—six months for one and a year for the other—and while both were able to do it via oral sex, only one has been able to do it with his fingers, and then only on occasion. If I'm going to get off during sex, I'm most likely the one who's going to make that happen, and the best way for me to do that is usually with a vibrator.

Some women experience intense sexual pleasure and orgasm when a particular area inside the vagina, approximately one-third to one-half up the front wall, is stimulated. The area was first described by Dr. Ernst Gräfenberg, who published his findings in 1950, and was named the G-spot in his honor.
9
There is debate among researchers about whether the G-spot is a distinct anatomical structure or whether the pleasure some women feel when the area is stimulated is due to its closeness to the bulbs of the clitoris.
10

If you want to explore whether stimulation of this area is pleasurable for you, set aside a time when you can allow yourself to relax and become aroused. You may want to warm up with other types of stimulation and then use your fingers to explore two to three inches inside the vagina, toward your abdomen. Feel for a rough texture or ridges. It can be helpful to curve your fingers into a “come here” position and explore by massaging and pressing into the area. You may want to experiment with different positions, such as lying on your stomach or squatting. It may be difficult to find, especially if your fingers are especially short and/or your vagina is especially long.

When you first touch this area, it might feel as if you have to pee. That is because the area of the G-spot surrounds the urethra, the tube you urinate through. The sensation may subside after a few seconds of massage. Your G-spot can also be stimulated by a partner's fingers or penis, a dildo, or a G-spot vibrator.

Contrary to popular myth, the G-spot is not a magic button that automatically produces ecstasy when pushed. Yet many find that exploring this area can enhance sexual pleasure.

For some women, sufficient stimulation of the G-spot or the clitoris may lead to ejaculation, the release of fluid from the urethra. Some people
doubt the existence of female ejaculation, but from ancient Greek writings to the Hindu
Kama Sutra
to sixteenth-century Japanese artwork, female ejaculation has been described and honored.
11
Sometimes called spraying or squirting, female ejaculation can bring a feeling of powerful release and pleasure:

The sensation when I'm about to squirt is incredibly intense. All my muscles are rigid and I stop breathing and there is nothing I can do to stop what comes next. Then I feel an incredible release as the fluid shoots out of me and my entire body relaxes. It doesn't happen often, and I can't make it happen, but when it does it is pretty wonderful!

Ejaculation can occur with or without an orgasm. Although ejaculate is released through the urethra, it is not clear what the fluid is comprised of. Research indicates that it is chemically different from urine, and some research has found its biochemical elements similar to what is found in male prostate fluid.
12
The amount of ejaculate varies, from about a teaspoon to a gush big enough to create a dinner-plate-sized puddle on the sheets. It looks like watered-down skim milk and the smell and taste may vary during the menstrual cycle.

© Jörg Meyer

Masturbation—touching yourself sexually—is one way of exploring and enjoying sexual pleasure. It's common for young children to touch and play with their bodies, including their genitals, mostly just because it feels good. The
message that touching ourselves in this way is not okay comes later from parents, schools, and religious institutions, or from the culture around us. Sex-ed classes rarely help, since most don't address masturbation. Back in 1994, during a United Nations conference on AIDS, the then surgeon general Joycelyn Elders was asked whether masturbation should be promoted as a means of preventing young people from engaging in riskier forms of sexual activity. “I think that it is part of human sexuality,” she replied, “and perhaps it should be taught.” Soon after, Elders lost her job.

Masturbation enables us to explore and experiment with our own bodies and learn what kind of touch feels good. You can discover your own patterns of sexual response without having to think about a partner's needs and opinions. If you want, you can share what you've learned with your partners, by guiding their hands to the places you want touched. It can be freeing to know how to give yourself sensual and sexual pleasure. You become less dependent on others to satisfy you, which can give them freedom, too. Through learning to pleasure yourself, you're more likely to be satisfied with your sexual life overall, and to orgasm more easily—either alone or with a partner:

Masturbating is what I love the most about being sexual. It's powerful. It's sexy. It's a guaranteed good time, and it's a very loving gesture. There is a lot of power and autonomy in putting yourself in charge of your own orgasms.

I think I started to really enjoy being sexual more when I started getting comfortable with masturbating. It wasn't really until I was in college, which seems kind of late now that I think about it. It was really cool to figure out that I could make myself feel certain things and make my own body respond in different ways. Consequently, when I started having sexual encounters with other people, I could enjoy them more because I felt like I had at least some influence over my own enjoyment.

Female masturbation was something my friends and I in high school never talked about. I knew that women technically could masturbate, but I didn't even know how to go about it when I first started becoming sexual. I hadn't had any luck with self-stimulation, and I didn't have any awareness about what I could do with my body. For a while, this lack of exploration had led me to believe that I was one of those women who would never orgasm. I had never climaxed with my first boyfriend, and I just considered that normal.