Our Bodies, Ourselves (37 page)
Read Our Bodies, Ourselves Online
Authors: Boston Women's Health Book Collective
I didn't start to pleasure myself until after I started dating my second boyfriend. He was very skilled at oral sex, luckily for me, and sort of showed me what felt good before I even knew what to want/expect. Without him, I don't know if I would ever have known how to begin touching myself in the right ways. After that, masturbation did become a part of my sexual “routine.” And I have to say, sex definitely became better, with all partners, after I'd started. Not only did I know better about what turned me on and got me off, but I became much more comfortable with my body. Being able to experience that kind of sexual pleasure made me feel sexy. It was really kind of an awakening.
After menopause, especially if you're not having sex with a partner, masturbating can help keep vaginal tissues moist. And for women at any age, it is a way of connecting with your body:
Masturbation is my partnerâ¦. Since I have not been in a sexual or nonsexual relationship for many, many years, this is how I stay tuned to the sexual me.
The first time you try masturbating, you may feel awkward or self-conscious. You may feel as if you do not know how, or give up too soon because you are trying to reproduce what you've seen in the movies or what you've heard from friends. You may feel shy about giving yourself sexual pleasure.
Some suggestions: Find a quiet time when you can be by yourself without interruption and make yourself comfortable. Start by using one or more fingers to touch yourself; add a lubricant or your own saliva if you want more moisture. Experiment with different types of pressure and speed. The clitoris is exquisitely sensitive, and sometimes direct touching or rubbing of the glans (or tip) is painful; indirect or intermittent touching may be more pleasurable.
You can also try crossing your legs and exerting steady and rhythmic pressure on the whole genital area. You can insert something into the vaginaâa finger, a cucumber, or a dildo. Other ways to masturbate include rubbing against a pillow, pointing a handheld showerhead at your genital area, or using a vibrator. Sex-positive, woman-owned sex-toy companies are great sources for information as well as products.
At sixteen, like the “good” girl I thought I should be, I gave up masturbation for Lent. Since I defined masturbation only as touching my genitals in a sexual way, in those six weeks I learned that I could have wonderful orgasms through a mixture of fantasy and quietly tensing up and relaxing the muscles around my vagina and vulva. I'm sixty-five now and still enjoying the benefits of what I learned.
I can direct our shower nozzle so the water hits my clitoris in a steady stream. I have a real relationship with that shower! I wouldn't give it up for anything. It's nice when I get up for work and don't have time for sex.
For me, the most pleasurable part is just before orgasm. I feel I am no longer consciously controlling my body. I know there is no way I will not reach orgasm now. I stop trying. I like to savor this rare moment of true letting go!
It's this letting go of control that enables us to have orgasms. If you do not orgasm when you're masturbating, don't worry about it. Just enjoy the sensations:
© Christine Cupaiuolo
Masturbating opens me to what is happening in my body and makes me feel good about myself. I like following the impulse of the moment. Sometimes I have many orgasms; sometimes I don't. The greatest source of pleasure is to be able to do whatever feels good to me at that particular time. I rarely have such complete freedom in other aspects of my life.
YES MEANS YES
The powerful, candid essays in
Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape
have transformed the way we think about women's sexuality. Jaclyn Friedman
(Yes Means Yes
co-editor with Jessica Valenti
)
explains the meaning behind the movement:
You've probably heard the phrase “no means no,” and you probably know what it means: if someone says no to any kind of sexual interaction, you must stop. But have you heard the phrase “yes means yes”?
“Yes means yes” is the slogan of a movement to enhance our understanding of sexual consent so that it's clear and works for everyone. The “yes means yes” philosophy is that the only valid sexual consent is enthusiastic consent.
Where “no means no” suggests that, in the absence of your partner clearly objecting, you can do whatever you want, the principle of enthusiastic consent says that you must not do anything that your partner isn't actively excited about (or at least excited to try). And if you can't tell if your partner is enthusiastic, then ask.
There are numerous reasons for this shift. While “no means no” popularized the idea that women's sexual boundaries must be respected (sad to say, a major accomplishment), it's also inadvertently supported the already-pervasive cultural assumption that women only want to say “no” to sex. It also created room for rapists to claim “she didn't say no” as a valid defense if the woman they'd assaulted hadn't verbally protested due to shock, fear, intoxication or any other reason.
Enthusiastic consent clears up this confusion, and in cases of sexual assault puts the onus on the accused to prove the victim was freely consenting, instead of asking the victim to prove she objected strenuously enough. It also challenges the idea that women don't want sex, by assuming that any sexual interaction requires the enthusiasm of all parties involved, regardless of gender.
Like most things, enthusiastic consent is more complicated in practice than it is in principle. Because we still live in a world that punishes women for having too much or the wrong kind of sexual desire, many women feel uncomfortable expressing enthusiasm for sex, even when they very much want a sexual interaction.
Still, enthusiastic consent has the potential to transform the way we think about and engage in sex for the better: by fostering direct, open communication about consent and pleasure, by reinforcing the idea that women can be plenty enthusiastic about sex on their own terms, and by creating a culture in which the only good kind of sex is the kind of sex that's actively good for everyone involved.
YES MEANS YES
AUTHORS WEIGH IN ON CONSENT
Rachel Kramer Bussel, “Beyond Yes or No: Consent as Sexual Process”
Consent is a basic part of the sexual equation. If there's any uncertainty, or if you find that you're using some power to coax someone into sex when they clearly aren't that into it, you need to rethink what you're doing and why you're doing itâ¦.
The burden is not on the woman to say no, but on the person pursuing the sexual act to get an active yes.
What does it mean to say to someone, “Fuck me?” Or, to put it a little more delicately, “Touch me?” To tell them exactly how you want to be kissed, licked, petted? Or to tell them just what it is you want to do with them? â¦You're letting your loverâand yourselfâknow what you're looking for, rather than leaving it up to the imagination. You're giving them explicit instructions and thereby saying “yes” so loudly, they have to hear youâ¦.
By embracing a broader concept of consent, we acknowledge that just as “sex” means a lot more than just penis-in-vagina intercourse, “consent” at its best can be about more than just “yes” or “no.” It means not taking the “yes” for granted, as well as getting to know the reasons behind the “yes,” and those, to me, are what's truly sexy.
13
Jill Filipovic, “Offensive Feminism”
Sex is about consent and enjoyment â¦sex isn't about pushing someone to do something they don't want to doâ¦. Sex should be entered into joyfully and enthusiastically by both partners; an absence of “no” isn't enoughâ“yes” should be the baseline requirementâ¦. [Women are] sexual actors who should absolutely have the ability to say yes when we want it, just like men, and should feel safe saying noâeven if we've been drinking, even if we slept with you before, even if we're wearing tight jeans, even if we're naked in bed with you.
14
Cara Kulwicki, “Real Sex Education”
[We need] to change the thinking from “sex when someone says no and fights back is wrong” to “sex when someone doesn't openly and enthusiastically want it is wrong.” â¦It pains me to think of how different my life would have been if someone had taught me that I was supposed to
want
sexual contact and
say so
; and otherwise it was wrong. I truly thought that fearfully giving up after saying no twenty times counted as consent.
15
LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX
We all face certain issues in sexual situations, whether it's with a date, a longtime lover, or a
spouse: Do I want to be sexually close with this person now? In what ways? What if I don't knowâcan I say I'm confused? Can I communicate clearly what I want and what I don't want?
Talking about sex can be challenging, whether you're using anatomically correct terms such as vagina, penis, and penetration, or slang terms such as cunt, cock, and fucking. If you find slang degrading, be creative and come up with your own affirming language. Sometimes the vagueness of expressions can lead to mis-communication if both partners are not clear on the meaning. Finding a common language that you're both comfortable with can help.
I began masturbating at age eleven and engaged sexually with someone else for the first time at fourteen, but I don't think I had really good, enjoyable sex until I incorporated good practices of consent into my sexual interactions with others.
You may want to find a time to talk with your partner(s) when you are
not
having sex and there's no pressure to respond right away. You can practice saying what feels good while exchanging massages, for example, when the atmosphere is less intense. Talking about safer sex, birth control, and sexual techniques or preferences doesn't have to kill the mood. Incorporating these discussions into sexual play can be hotâand can lead to heightened intimacy.
Body language and the sounds we make are also important. Speeding up or slowing down hip movements and placing a firm hand on the shoulder to say, “Let's go slow,” are all ways of communicating:
I've liked just saying, “Watch,” and showing.
© Thinkstock
We were both really excited. He began rubbing my clitoris hard, and it hurt. It took me a second to figure out what to do. I was afraid that if I said something about it, I would spoil the excitement for both of us. Then I realized I could just take his hand and very gently move it up a little higher.
Be aware of the relationship between words and body language. You may be verbally saying yes to some sexual activity, but your body is pulling away or tensing up. Or you may be saying no to going farther sexually while continuing to stimulate yourself or your partner. It's important to communicate what you really want, to stop immediately in the face of any mixed signals from your partner, and to expect your partner always to do the same for you.
Communication is a continuous process. A woman who had found the courage to talk with her partner about their sexual relationship asked in angry frustration, “I told him what I like once, so why doesn't he know now? Did he forget? Doesn't he care?”
He would come almost instantly when we began to make love after marvelous kissing. A little while later, we'd make love again, when I'd be more arousedâaching for him, in fact. I never knew how to alter this pattern, never dared talk about it, and later on found out
that he had resented “having” to make love twice.
We had a wildly passionate sex life for a year and a half. When we moved in together, sexuality suddenly became an issue. It turned out our patterns were very different. My lover needs to talk, to feel intimate in conversation, to relax completely before she can feel sexual. I need to touch and to make a physical connection first before I feel relaxed enough to talk intimately. I'd reach out for her as we went into the bedroom, and she'd freeze. We battled it out for months, both feeling terrible, before we figured out what was going on.