Our Bodies, Ourselves (38 page)
Read Our Bodies, Ourselves Online
Authors: Boston Women's Health Book Collective
Even in the best relationships, asking for what we want may be difficult, and we may feel inhibited about asserting our sexuality openly and proudly. We've been conditioned to think that sex is supposed to come naturally, and talking about it must mean something's wrong. We may hold back from communicating about sex for any number of reasons, including:
⢠Feeling embarrassed by the words themselves.
⢠Feeling embarrassed by desires, thinking they might be taboo or a partner will be judgmental.
⢠After having sex with the same person for years, it feels risky to bring up new insights or desires.
⢠Communication isn't going well in other areas of the relationship.
⢠A partner seems defensive and might interpret suggestions as a criticism or a demand.
⢠Inexperience or confusion over what
you
want at a particular time.
Communicating about sex includes not only talking and negotiating about what both partners want, but also discussing safer sex and, if necessary, birth control. For more information, see
Chapters 9
â
11
.
Negotiating how and when it is okay for me to relinquish control over my physical movementsâfor example, when it's sexy to have my girlfriend restrain me and when it makes me feel slightly panickyâhas been a complicated process. I feel bad that I can't give my girlfriend clearer cues about what feels good when, particularly since she tends to retreat pretty quickly when I say, “That didn't feel good this time,” to, “Well, then I'll stop doing it altogether.” That either-or response comes from (I think) not wanting to do something that I don't like, and not wanting rejection, but there are times when I want a little pain, want a little domination, and I feel bad that I can't give her a clearer sense of when and in what circumstances certain activities feel good and when they don't.
If you do ask for what you want, you may be relieved and gratified to get your desires met. However, if your partner has different preferences, you may have to do some negotiating or look below the surface and figure out the underlying needs. For example, say that you want to spend long hours in bed on a Sunday morning having sex, but your partner wants to get up and go for a run. What are your needs that aren't being met? Do you want more intimacy? Do you need time to unwind? Do you want more sexual attention? What are your partner's needs? Expanding the focus can open up more possibilities of fulfilling both partners' underlying needs.
Learning to talk more comfortably about sex is sometimes easier when you're doing
something enjoyable with your partner or with friends. Here are some suggestions:
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES: SEXUALITY AND SEXUAL PLEASURE
Check out these websites for factual and fun information.
â¢
Scarleteen (scarleteen.com).
Start your search at this independent, highly regarded sexuality education site. Though aimed at young people, it's useful for everyone. The staffed, moderated message boards are a lively place to ask and answer questions.
â¢
My Sex Professor (Mysexprofessor
.com).
A group blog founded by Debby Herbenick, a research scientist at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of
Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure & Satisfaction.
My Sex Professor features smart coverage of gender and sexuality issues in the news.
â¢
Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross (dodsonandross.com).
Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross are intergenerational sex-positive feminists whose dialogue on sexuality and feminism entertains and educates. They're funny and topical and will make you feel at home.
â¢
Kinsey Institute (kinseyinstitute.org).
Located at Indiana University, the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction works toward advancing sexual health and knowledge worldwide. The archives include research going back to 1941; check kinseyconfidential.org for blogs, podcasts, and daily updates.
â¢
SIECUS (siecus.org).
The Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States educates, advocates, and informs. SIECUS helps schools and communities develop comprehensive sexuality education curricula and educates policy makers about the importance of providing accurate information about sexuality and sexual and reproductive health.
⢠Attend a performance of or invite friends over to read aloud from the play
The Vagina Monologues
(events.vday.org).
⢠Visit a woman-owned sex-toys shop; the employees tend to be knowledgeable, helpful, and nonjudgmental, so don't be embarrassed to ask questions. Or check out sex-toy shops online such as Good Vibrations (good vibes.com), Babeland (babeland.com), or Eve's Garden (evesgarden.com).
⢠Host a sex-toys party (like a Tupperware party, but more fun). Look online for woman-owned companies that will put together a party for you and your friends. In some states, laws are in flux about the legality of selling sex toys, so it's best to go through a professional company if you have any worries.
16
If the problem feels bigger than what you can manage, consider joining or creating a support group. The Self-Help Group Sourcebook (mentalhelp.net/selfhelp) offers tips on how to
find or start self-help groups online and in your community. Or look for a certified sex therapist through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (aasect.org).
Sex with a partner allows for endless possibilities: massaging, hugging, licking, kissing, caressing, biting, direct clitoral stimulation, oral sex, vaginal or anal penetration, intercourse, nipple stimulation, fingering or fisting, playing with power and roles, tribadism (rubbing a body part against your partner's genitals), rimming (oral-to-anal stimulation), erotic talk, or sleeping together (really, just sleeping) without sex. We can claim all the dimensions of sexuality that deepen intimacy and pleasure:
During really good, connected sex, I don't worry about things like what faces or noises I'm making, how my body looks or is moving, or how close I am to orgasm. I get caught up in the sensations of pleasure, I notice how my body responds to different kinds of touch, and I can choose either to be 100 percent mentally present or to engage my mind in some kind of delightful fantasy.
In finding out what turns my lover on, exploring her body, tasting her, learning her odors and textures, I am growing to love myself more, too.
I love that moment just before orgasm, when everything in me slows down and homes in on my lover's pleasure, and if I'm achy or tired or sweating it doesn't matter; nothing matters but that moment and the nearing edge of orgasm. I'm a very sexual person and I love getting off too, but for me nothing is truly better than giving someone else a big, long, breathless orgasm.
We always sleep right up next to each other naked. There's always a lot of touching and feeling, so even though we don't have intercourse that often, I consider us having sex all the time.
Many of us learned that sex with a partner means penetration, with everything else called foreplay. The word “foreplay” can be a problem when it implies that everything that turns us on is merely a step along the way to the big act.
I have orgasms easily during intercourse. Sometimes I love his thrusting deep inside me. Sometimes I don't want the penetration, I want something else. But he feels if we haven't had intercourse, we haven't actually made love.
Some women whose male partners get infrequent erections (owing to age, illness, or other factors) find that their own sexual pleasure actually increases, partly because penis-in-vagina intercourse is no longer the focus of sex. This can be especially true if in the past the woman had intercourse more often than she wanted to, perhaps in order to please a partner.
For some, massages and touching are great for making sexual activity slower and more sensual. Others enjoy sex that is faster and more aggressive. It's all a matter of personal preference, and those preferences can switch or change. It's about what feels goodâand rightâto you at that moment:
I yearn to feel the crook of her arm under my neck as I sleep. I long to stroke her face and enjoy how good it feels to wake up with her arms around me in the morning. The heat and passion of sex are great, but I think that a gentle caress is more personal. That's what I crave most right now.
WHEN ONE PERSON WANTS MORE
In an ongoing relationship, there may be times when one partner has a higher level of desire than the other, which can create tension. For some couples, a desire discrepancy may simply be the result of different preferences and bodily rhythms. Communicating clearly, learning about each other's needs, and finding middle ground can help bridge the differences. For other couples, the discrepancy may be due to lack of attraction or to problems in the relationship. Or it could have to do with physical changes. (See
Chapter 8
, “Sexual Challenges,” for more on how illnesses, medications, and hormones can affect desire.)
Many straight women find our partners want sex more often than we do. However, the discrepancy in desire can go the other way, and some women feel constrained by the stereotype that men always want sex and women always want love.
I want sex a lot more often than my husband does. I try not to take it personally when he says no, but sometimes it hurts. I feel rejected. The images on television and in the movies and the jokes that circulate on the Internet always show the man wanting sex more than the woman.
Even if initially your partner or you are not craving physical sex, exploring intimacy with your partner can lead to physical arousal. A sixty-six-year-old woman who has been with her partner for thirty years writes:
© Antonio Mo/Getty Images
I do feel nostalgic sometimes for the early days when we spent half the day in bedâor out of bed, on the floor, on the sofa, in the showerâhaving sex. I miss turning to her in the night, thrilled with desire. Fact is, at night we sleep. She and I are busy with work and community, there's not a lot of hot lesbian sexual tension in the movies we see, we have our various aches and pains, and lust rarely takes us over. The good news is that when we haven't had sex in a while, we notice. What works for us then is to set aside a dedicated few hours during which, even if we're not in the mood at the beginning, we find our way to connection with ourselves and each other. With less time, it's mutual masturbation; with more time, it's oral sex. Always it's making love. Getting in the mood, for us, isn't usually about candles and music and sexy pictures, but about time, pure and simple. Time and intention.
Some women get aroused by watching a partner masturbate, or by pleasuring themselves during sex with a partner. It may be something you do without thinking, simply because it feels good to add more stimulation. It can sometimes take time to learn what feels most pleasurable:
When we first started having sex, my husband encouraged me to masturbate because I had so little experience with it. He wanted to learn from my exploration what turned me on. As I got better at it, we often turned each other on by watching each other masturbate, sometimes touching, sometimes just totally into ourselves. It's a beautiful experience. We learned how to give each other orgasms with and without intercourse.
I'm a huge fan of mutual masturbation and would definitely say that it can fall under my personal definition of “sex.” I'd even say I often enjoy it more than literal intercourse.
Communicating about masturbation is important, especially if a partner feels left out or threatened. Sometimes it can take a while to get used to the idea that self-pleasuring is something both partners can enjoy:
Neither of us has philosophical problems with the other using masturbation as a way to experience sexual pleasure. But my girlfriend feels bad when I touch myself while we're making love. I had a hard time coming when we first started making love (new context; no longer as private as I was used to, given that someone else was there!), and she still feels badly about this, even though it certainly wasn't her fault. So I think when I touch myself she feels like she isn't wanted/needed in the room. Whereas I am really turned on by the experience of her being there while I jerk off and experience it as a mutual thing, not something that's better than her or necessarily solitary. So while I don't feel like masturbation is taboo or somehow a betrayal of my partner, I do realize that it can really have a negative effect on a lover's sense of security, and that makes me sad.
One of the ways I know that I'm comfortable with a partner is when I can share the fact that I like masturbation a lot and tend to do it every day. My last real relationship was with a man who knew that I enjoyed masturbation and wasn't threatened by it at all. We would even talk about it and developed our own secret code for when we were doing it. That being said, I think it was different if we were in the same space. While he was fine with me doing my own thing while we were away from each other, the one or two times where I started touching myself while we were fooling around, he'd ask me why I wasn't waiting for him. I think he felt if we were going to be together, we should pleasure each other and not ourselves.