One Foot in the Grave: An Almost Zombie Tale (21 page)

“She is not food.” I use his own terminology against him.

“
You
are ‘not food’. She is alive.”

“I’m Isis,” I say, not so patiently. “She’s my friend, and she’s not on the menu.” I shrug when Noelle glances at me. It’s easier to call her a friend than to explain ‘frenemie’ to a corpse.

“I require food.”

Boy, he really does have a one track mind.

“It’s super important,” I plea. “How about taking two steaks next time?” Bargaining like this makes me feel like Wimpy of the old Popeye cartoons. ‘I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for…’ Sheesh! I assume Tucker’s thinking about it because he doesn’t say anything. After a long and agonizing minute, he pulls the door to Nacelles’ hallway open and gestures us inside.

I release the air I don’t have to breathe anymore. Now all that’s left is the ghouls. And I really hope they’re not roaming the halls in search of their next meal.

A phalanx of glowing golden eyes greets us as soon as we step through the door. Noelle turns around immediately, but it’s too late. Tucker’s already bolted us in.

“They’re the hell hounds,” I whisper. It’s weird, seeing row upon row of eyes without bodies. Before I can wonder if Maxx has that ability, too, a pair of eyes steps forward and blurs into a hound as massive as my friend.

“This is not your domain,” it growls. “What are you doing here, half? You were not summoned.”

“I need to see Nacelles Caldmer.” I’m determined to keep my voice firm. If dogs can smell fear, does that mean the bigger the dog, the more fear it can smell? I sure hope not.

“You are not expected.” Its voice is a lot deeper than Maxx’s.

Yeah. We pretty much established that already. “This is kind of impromptu. Unplanned,” I add, in case it doesn’t understand me. I needn’t worry.

It bares its teeth at me and I’m pretty sure it’s not smiling. “I am not unaware of what the word means.” It’s a lot more formal than Maxx, and that’s saying something. “I’m sorry,” I apologize. “But it’s important.”

“I will take your request back to him,” the giant beast says. “What is the nature of your visit?”

“Brains,” Noelle says. “She needs to talk to the lich about brains.”

The hound’s nostrils flare. “
You
have no business here, half-fae. Our master does not deal with the living.”

I’m shocked when Noelle stands her ground. I guess she’s making an effort, too. “I’m here for Isis,” she says.

The beast cocks its head to one side, as though it’s listening to something neither Noelle nor I can hear. Then the rows of eyes begin to fade. “Follow me. I will take you to him.”

“Did you just communicate telepathically with Nacelles? How cool is that!!”

The hell hound in question sneezes. Thanks to Maxx, I know exactly what
that
means.

“We’re not going to run into any ghouls, are we?” I ask.

“Our master does not allow them to roam during the pack’s time,” it replies. “We do not get along well.”

I recall Maxx’s showdown with the red eyed man in the gray suit and believe it. Neither of them looked happy to see the other one in the hallway. Nacelles’ control over the hell hounds and the ghouls is amazing.

“Are you sure this is safe?” Noelle asks.

No. As a matter of fact I’m not, but I nod. “Of course it is.”

“If you are quite ready,” the hell hound says, “our master will not wait forever.”

“All right, we ready, Noelle?”

The half-fae nods.

“Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to Nacelles we go…” I start to sing under my breath but see the hell hound’s ears swivel back. Oh yeah, they have super hearing.

I kind of expect the hallway to go on forever, but it doesn’t. It just ends and I frown. “Wasn’t this longer the last time I was down here?”

“This underground is outside time. The rules do not apply,” it replies. “Our master is through that door.” It tilts its head to the left, and I glance over. Sure enough, there’s a door there, where I’m sure there wasn’t just a minute before.

Our ‘guide’, for lack of a better term, dissolves like the Cheshire cat, but without leaving behind any grin. Or anything else, for that matter.

“Come in, Isis, and bring your friend.” I can hear the lich’s voice through the door. “I am most curious what brings you here, uninvited.”

Well, that bodes well for this meeting. I pull the door open and Noelle and I step inside.

The lich is sitting at what looks like the biggest desk ever created, his skeleton frame at home behind it. He leans forward. “My hound informed me you believe your visit is of vital importance.”

Boy, he just cuts straight to the chase, doesn’t he? “I eat brains,” I blurt. Idiot, thy name is Isis.

The lich leans back. “Yes, you do. That is the standard zombie fare, so I cannot imagine why you consider that important.”

“It’s the brains,” Noelle steps into the conversation, about as successfully as I started it.

“Yes,” Nacelles says. “We’ve established that.”

“I’ve been dreaming of eating human brains,” I elaborate. “That can’t be normal.”

The lich leans back in his chair. “Have you been tempted to eat them yet?”

I gag. Is he serious? “Why would you even
ask
me that?”

“It’s not an unreasonable question. You’re a zombie, Isis. It
is
what they eat. So why haven’t you tried them?”

“Because it’s cannibalism and it’s disgusting!”

“You’re an interesting puzzle,” the lich says. “But I think we might be able to come up with an answer, if you trust me.”

He hasn’t led me wrong thus far, so I nod. “What do you want me to do?”

The skin around his mouth stretches taut, almost as though he’s smiling. It’s creepy, to say the least. “Why, eat brains, of course.”

“Ummm…” I frown. “I’m already doing that.”

“You misunderstand me. I want you to try monkey and human brains for a change.”

I push myself up and out of the chair. “There’s no way.”

“You’re crazy,” Noelle chimes in. I’m actually glad she’s here and on my side.

“Look,” Nacelles says. “You came to me for help. You haven’t tried anything other than pork, am I right?”

I nod.

“All zombies are mindless undead, Isis. You’re the only exception. Aren’t you the least bit curious why?”

“I’d actually never thought about it,” I admit, feeling beyond stupid. Because, of course, now that he’s said something, I’m super curious why. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t
want
to be a full zombie, but it’d be nice to know why I’m not. Not to mention, it’d be awesome to know how
not
to turn into one.

“I suspect it’s the brains you’re eating.” He leans forward. “I think the zombie part of you is craving human brains, and that’s why you’re dreaming of them. That’s pretty important information to have, all things considered. Imagine if you eat raw human by mistake, and that causes you to turn…the consequences could be disastrous.”

Visions of ‘The Walking Dead’ scroll through my head, with me as lead zombie. Yuck. Yeah, that’d be bad.

“If you – if I turn into a complete zombie, can you bring me back?” It’s terrifying to think I might get stuck, wanting only to eat other people’s brains.

The lich half shrugs. “I might.”

“Is that the best you can give me?” I ask. “Maybe you can fix me if I become a raving lunatic?”

Nacelles nods. “It’s not without risks, but I think the end result would be worth it.”

I turn to Noelle, who’s just been sitting without saying anything. “What do you think?” Might as well ask for her opinion; she’s the only other human here. Sort of. She’s already shaking her head.

“I wouldn’t do it, but it’s not up to me.”

I take a deep breath and release it. “Okay, when do we start?”

“Immediately,” Nacelles says. “Your cage is through the far door.”

“You’re not putting me in a cage,” I say.

Nacelles shrugs. “Then I can’t help you.”

Check and mate.

“Fine. Then what? You slip brains through the bars at me, palm flat so I don’t bite you by accident?” Okay, I know I’m being more than a little bit sarcastic. But my voice is shaking and so are my hands.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Nacelles replies.

“I’m the one who’ll be eating brains,” I say. “I don’t think I’m being ridiculous at all.”

“What about me?” Noelle asks. “Do I have to stay down here with her?”

“Of course not,” the lich says. “You’re free to leave whenever you wish.”

“How long do you think this process is going to take?” I walk around the massive desk where he still sits. His chair swivels to keep me in his line of sight.

“I have no idea,” Nacelles says. “This whole thing is a gamble. But why don’t we start off slow? Go back to your apartment, gather what things you need for a possible overnight stay, and I’ll do what prep work I can here.”

“When should I come back?”

“This evening will be soon enough,” he replies.

I nod. “Okay, and…ummmm…thank you,” I say, though I’m not sure what I’m thanking him for. I mean, he’s going to feed me brains. That’s so not awesome.

“Will Tucker let us out?” Noelle asks. She’s obviously better at remembering names than I am.

“The door’s already unbarred. The ghouls are in for the night and the hounds won’t stop you.” Nacelles bends over his desk, studying something I can’t see. I guess that’s our cue.

“Well, see you later, then.”

He doesn’t respond.

I shrug at Noelle. “Let’s go.”

She follows me out and it’s not long before we’re back in the taxi, riding to my apartment building in complete silence.

Thirty-Seven:

I Kind of Wanted to Eat That…

I pack my bag. It’s not like I have that much to take, but I’m still procrastinating as long as I can. I don’t much relish the idea of sleeping in a cage, whatever the reason. Maybe the dreams’ll go away by themselves. I sigh. Yeah, I don’t really believe it, either.

“You have to go,” Noelle reminds me. She’s sitting on my couch, watching me stuff clothes into an old backpack.

“I know, I know.” I pull the drawstring tight. “I’m just sorry I didn’t get to see Maxx first.” The hell hound hasn’t shown up for his daily ‘walkies’. I wonder what’s up with that.

“You don’t think you’ll see him at The Blood Bank?”

“I have no idea. I hope so. But maybe he’s busy herding souls or something.” Or eating his weight in Chicken McNuggets. That’s always a possibility, too.

“You’re delaying.”

“I
know
!” I first snap, then apologize. “I’m sorry. It’s just…”

“Do you want me to come with you again?”

I’m surprised she offers. “No. Not a chance. What if I turn…y’know…evil?”

“You’ll be in a cage,” the half-fae says. “I won’t be in any danger.”

“It’s not just that,” I respond. “It’s embarrassing. I mean, it could be. I just…I appreciate it, Noelle, I do, but no.”

“All right, I’ll be at the church when you guys finish.” She walks to the door, opens it and turns back to me for a minute. “Good luck, Isis.”

“Thanks.” I take a deep breath and grab my backpack. “Wait up. I’ll walk down with you.”

We walk to the elevator together.

“Can you transport yourself wherever you want?” Noelle asks once the elevator doors swoosh shut behind us.

“No. Maxx says it has something to do with how much I want to be somewhere. And before you ask, I can’t transport myself to Nacelles. I don’t particularly want to be there, remember?”

She throws her hands up in the air, laughing.

The elevator grinds itself to a halt and the door opens. We both step into the foyer. “Thanks for going with me,” I say. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I hope so.” She winks at me before walking through the foyer and out the double doors of the apartment building.

The same taxi that had taken us from the church to the club and back again is waiting at the curb, as requested. I have no idea what kind of special arrangement the service has with Father Moss, or how he’s paying the fares, but it must be awesome. I stride over to the bright yellow cab and get in.

“I need to go back to the club,” I say.

“Sure thing,” the cabbie replies. He puts the car into gear and eases into the light Atlanta traffic.

I close my eyes for a moment. I can’t believe I’m doing this.

“You can trust him, you know.” The cab driver says.

I open my eyes. “Trust who?”

“Nacelles Caldmer. You can trust him.” The cabbie smiles into the rearview mirror.

“How do you know who I’m going to see?” I inch toward the door, wondering how much it’ll hurt if I throw myself from a moving car.

He laughs. “You halves aren’t as insulated from the real world as you think you are. We’re familiar with the lich and his doings.”

My eyes narrow as a sneaking suspicion grows. “You’re not human, are you?”

The cab driver flexes his shoulders and, just for an instant, I swear I see the shadow of wings unfold.

“You’re an…and you drive a cab?” I’m astonished at the idea of it.

“I work for The Angel Cab Company,” the cabbie says. “Printed right there on the side of the taxi, but I can see you didn’t bother to notice.”

He’s right, but then again, there are so many quirky cab names in the city, why would ‘Angel Cab Company’ be any different than the others? “Did God send you here to watch over us?”

He laughs again. “God gives us as much free will as He gives you.”

My eyebrows rise. That’s an interesting concept. I wonder what Father Moss would make of it. “Since you guys…angels…exist, do demons? Do you, like, battle it out?”

“You’ve been watching too much television,” he replies. “But as far as demons go, you’re asking me that? You’ve got a hell hound for a friend, don’t you?” He turns on his signal and merges over to the curb. “We’re here.”

“Ummm…okay, thanks.” I’m still a bit floored by the fact that a freakin’
angel
just drove me to my destination. Talk about service!

“Tell Nacelles to call the cab company when you’re done. One of us will come pick you up.”

“How many of you are there?”

“Cabbies? We number in the multitudes,” he replies with a smile.

Not exactly what I meant, but I suspect he knows that. I pause with one hand on the door latch. “Does that mean angels aren’t in Heaven anymore?”