On Dry Land (Swimming Upstream #3) (16 page)

Chapter 29

Tyler

Ava’s questions knocked the breath out of him. He wasn’t dumb enough to think his actions hadn’t hurt her but he hadn’t stopped to consider the deep scars he’d be responsible for. Scars with his name all over them. Tyler had felt like shit before but never as bad as he did in that moment. Glancing across at the shell of the woman sitting at the opposite end of the sofa, he wanted to punch himself in the face for being such a dick. Her red eyes, swollen lips, and the complete devastation on her face was his fault.

“Short Stack…” Tyler’s voice fell away.

Last night as he’d sped down the freeway, determined to get to Ava’s door, he rehearsed the things he wanted to say over and over in his head, but now the moment had arrived for him to put it all on the line, he had nothing. Reaching for Ava’s hand, he was stunned when he clasped her clammy hand in his and felt the tremble there. She was afraid. Afraid of him. He hated himself more in that moment than any other in his life.

“What’s…f-for…dinner?” Ava stuttered.

He knew what she was trying to do. He’d seen her do it time and time again over the past couple of months. When things got too much for her to handle, Ava dodged and weaved like a linebacker on crack before bolting in the opposite direction.

“Lamb shank tagine,” Tyler replied grimly.

“Good! I’m starving.” Ava grinned, straightening herself. She was overcompensating and Tyler could see it.

Ava bounced up off the lounge in an attempt to escape but Tyler held firm to her hand. “Come and sit down, Ava.” He dropped his gaze. He couldn’t look at her. He didn’t want to see the hurt. The confusion. The pain.

“Tyler…”

“Please?” Tyler watched as indecision flickered in Ava’s eyes. With relief, Ava untangled her fingers from his before falling back into the sofa and hugged her knees, waiting for him to speak. “You okay?”

“No! I’m not okay! I don’t want…” Ava was heaving and huffing.

“Why don’t we start with something simple. When I was tidying earlier on, I found this.” Tyler pulled the paper from his pocket. Fear shook Ava and Tyler couldn’t stand it a second longer. Lunging across the lounge, Tyler dragged Ava back into his arms before he continued. “This is a list that, I’ll admit, scares the shit out of me. I’m hoping you’ll tell me the truth so I can stop thinking all these terrible thoughts.”

“Okay. Show me.” Ava trembled.

Tyler unfolded the paper and sucked in a deep breath. If he wanted to admit it, he was more nervous than Ava appeared to be. “Reasons why,” he began reading, squeezing Ava even tighter against his chest. “Not enough. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not skinny enough. Not smart enough. Not rich enough. Embarrassed to be seen with her. Dragging him down. In the way of his career. Taking up his time. Too clingy. Too emotional. Wants more.” Ava tried to pull away but Tyler wasn’t having a bar of it. “I don’t want to ask, but I need to. This list, what is it?”

“Ummm…”

“Is this about your next book? Or us?” Tyler choked out the words. Ava eyes went wide as the penny dropped.

Chapter 30

Ava

Until that moment Ava hadn’t really thought about it in that context. When she’d scribbled down that list, her mind had been consumed with destroying Anna and James’s perfect fictional romance. However the moment Tyler regurgitated her words back at her, she couldn’t help but hear her fears about their relationship shining through. Looking up into Tyler’s eyes, she was shaken by what she saw there. Desperation was evident.

“Ava, it will be fine, I promise. I just need you to tell me the truth.”

“I…I…when I wrote that, I was writing. It was entirely Anna and James I wanted to destroy.”

“Why do I feel like there is a but coming?”

“Because there is. When I wrote it was only Anna and James. But now, now I think maybe in the back of my mind I wonder if there was more to it.”

“Ava…”

“Don’t stress, Tyler.”

Tyler snapped. It was instant. Without hesitation or warning, Tyler pushed Ava from his lap and vaulted to his feet. “Don’t! Don’t you dare tell me not to stress, Ava!”

Afraid of the look in Tyler’s eyes, Ava stood and swallowed. “I didn’t know. I still don’t know what I did wrong to cause you to run. I don’t understand—”

“Short Stack! Princess!” Tyler ran his hands through his hair before cupping Ava’s face in his hands. “That list better be about your book because you even entertaining those thoughts about us makes me sick.”

Before Ava had a chance to respond, Tyler kissed her with a kiss that left her breathless. “Why…did…you…go?”

“Because I was scared.”

“Scared?”

“I got sick. And I didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t want you to have to deal with it. So, I ran. As far and as fast as I could. It was a chicken shit move.”

“But you came back?”

“I couldn’t not come back.”

Ava crossed the distance between them in a few steps and wrapped her arms around Tyler’s waist. She didn’t know what would happen next, or even if she’d get another chance to hold him, but in that moment, with her head buried against his chest, she knew she was home. And home was worth fighting for. No matter the cost. Despite her previous hesitations and the sometimes overwhelming anxiety that she wasn’t enough, Ava wasn’t about to walk away. All she had to do now was make Tyler believe.

Looking up into his face with half closed eyes, Ava’s voice trembled as she asked the question. “You said you were sick. Should I be worried?”

“Let’s sit.”

Guiding Ava back to the sofa, Tyler held her hand but left some distance between them. It didn’t go unrecognised by Ava, but she didn’t push either. The silence was killing her. Ava wanted this over, the sooner the better. She heard her phone chirp but ignored it. Nothing was more important than the man in front of her and she was going to do everything in her power to make sure he knew it.

“Somehow, no one knows how, I managed to contract the mumps virus,” Tyler began.

“Okay? Isn’t that something you get immunised against as a kid?”

“Yeah, and I checked with Mum and I had been, but lucky me.”

“You’re okay now? Aren’t you?” Ava held her breath. She couldn’t bear the thought of him suffering. Scrutinizing him from head to toe, he looked fine. Healthy.

“Yeah. I’m good now.”

“Then, I don’t get it.”

“Ava, the mumps has many different symptoms and side effects. Thankfully, I didn’t get all of them, but I did get quite a few. Remember when my times were getting worse and we couldn’t figure out why? It was part of this. I was exhausted. It sapped my energy and I didn’t even realise. I think I just got so used to being tired all the time that when it got worse, I barely noticed. I had a constant headache for weeks that I couldn’t shake. And I was sore. Everything ached, no matter how many massages I had they still couldn’t pummel the aches and pains away.”

“Okay…but I still don’t…”

“Short Stack. You know I love you. You know you mean the world to me and I want you to have everything your heart desires…”

“Yes…”

“One of the side effects that I was unfortunate enough to get is what’s called testicular inflammation.”

Encasing Tyler’s hand in hers, she felt him pulling away from her, but she wasn’t about to let go. “Tyler, what’s that? I mean, I know what testicular inflammation is, but I need you to tell me what that means.”

“It means that one of my balls swelled. And fuck me, it was that painful. When the doctor in Sydney told me that it was a possibility, I was fine. It wasn’t ’til I was in Switzerland a couple of weeks later that it flared up. Speedos are restrictive at the best of times, but this was another type of hell all together.”

“And…there’s still something you’re not telling me. I know you, Tyler, and I know how strong you are. This wouldn’t have sent you running. Tell me the rest.” Frustration was creeping into her voice. She’d asked him for the truth, and in his defence he was parting with it, but it was slow, painful, and an edited version. Ava needed the truth. The harsh, uncensored truth.

“There’s a chance I may not be able to have kids.”

Tyler’s words fell from his lips in a flourish in the same moment he pulled his hands back and rose to his feet. Ava didn’t know what to say next. Kids was something they’d never discussed. Sure, she’d thought about it in her bed at night when she was alone. What they’d look like, who they’d take after, their names, but not once had she allowed her musings to be spoken aloud. Tyler was pacing the room like a caged lion. She watched as he clenched and unclenched his fists at his side, while his stubbled jaw stayed strained.

“All right. You say a chance…what does that mean exactly?”

“It is what it is, Ava. It means I might not be able to be a father. Ever!” His voice was harsh and Ava felt herself physically recoil into the arm of the sofa. She knew he wasn’t angry at her, but it didn’t make her feel any better in that moment. He was angry at himself. Angry at the world. And Ava didn’t have a clue how to take that away from him.

“But there’s still a chance?”

“I guess.”

“Then why’d you give up? What did the doctors say when you asked them?”

Tyler stopped pacing and put his hands on his hips and looked straight at Ava. She felt like a fly caught in his web. His gaze was penetrating and intimidating all in the same moment. “I didn’t…I haven’t…I couldn’t…”

Funnelling all her frustration, the week’s worth of worry and her complete disappointment of Tyler’s chicken shit behaviour into one rant, Ava let loose. “So, let me just get this clear in my head, because I’ll admit, I’m a little confused right now. So okay, you got the mumps. We’re not sure how or when or why, it doesn’t really matter. You saw the doctor and they confirmed it, I’m assuming in Sydney, yes?” Tyler nodded solemnly and Ava continued. “So you freaked out and took off to Switzerland. There’s a chance, not a hundred percent chance, but a chance that you can’t have kids. You came home, and by the look of you and the bag on my bedroom floor, it’s safe to assume that you came straight here from the airport—”

“That’s correct.”

“So I guess the only question I have is…I don’t understand. Why does the possibility of you not being able to be a father impact so heavily on us?” As soon as the words were out, Ava wished she could take them back. Even though she meant each and every one, the way she’d said them made her cringe.

Chapter 31

Tyler

He knew Ava hadn’t meant it the way it sounded, but he’d be damned if it didn’t still sting like an open wound filled with lemon juice. He’d naïvely hoped Ava would fill in the blanks for him so he didn’t have to, but that would mean fate would be on his side. Something he couldn’t rely on these days.

“Ava—”

“Just tell me already ’cause I’m driving myself insane here. Please, Tyler, please just put me out of my misery.”

“Ava, you deserve the world. You’re a wonderful, remarkable, and beautiful woman, and one day, Short Stack, you’re going to make an amazing mother. You deserve that. To be a mother. To have a family. And I can’t give that to you—”

“You don’t know that!”

“I do know that!”

“God, Tyler, you’ve given up without even knowing the truth. And seriously, talk about jumping the gun. Who says I even want kids? I mean, we haven’t even been together twelve months and you’re worrying about having kids?”

“Calm down, Ava, please. Just think about it for a minute, please.” The pleading in Tyler’s voice was pathetic and he knew it, but there was nothing he could do to hide it. Right now he was pathetic. No point hiding it.

“Don’t tell me to calm down, Tyler. You were the one who insisted, actually dragged me kicking and screaming out into the world. You thrust our relationship into the spotlight. Then you left me there. Alone. Exposed and alone, Tyler. Do you know how that felt? Do you have any idea how fucking humiliating it is? Being out on that limb all by myself?”

“Fuck, Ava! Do you think I don’t know what I’ve done? How much I hurt you? How fucked up my life is? How much I hated Switzerland? No, you don’t. You don’t understand and you can’t. My whole future, the whole life I thought I’d have has just been taken from me. I’ll never be a father, Ava. Never get the chance to have a son to carry my name or a daughter to wrap me around her little finger. You can still have that. That’s why I left you standing out there alone. Not because I didn’t love you. Not because I’m an asshole. Not because you weren’t pretty enough or smart enough or good enough or whatever else you twisted in your mind. No, Ava, the reason I left you was to give you a chance to have everything in life that you want. Everything you deserve.”

Tyler puffed. His speech had knocked the wind out of him. He was one of the fittest men in the country and yet his heartbreaking declaration had left him breathless and on the verge on doubling over in pain. It was all consuming. He felt light headed, his stomach clenched awaiting the next blow, and his chest felt like a steel band was wrapped around him, squeezing the oxygen from his body. But it was the moment he looked over at Ava that tripped him. She had tears streaming undisturbed down her rosy cheeks, her nose was running, and she’d wrapped her arms around her chest protectively, warding him off. He’d broken her. The one thing he’d hoped to avoid in this whole miserable drama, he’d achieved magnificently.

Unable to stand there a moment longer, Tyler took long strides down the hallway into her bedroom and scooped up his bag. He knew right now the only thing that could save her, save him, save them was space. Time and space. Only this time he wouldn’t be stupid enough to put an ocean between them.

“Where…are…you…going?” Ava hiccupped as she wiped her nose on the sleeve of his sweater.

The urge to run to her, wrap her in his arms, and hold her until the pain subsided was devastating. He fought it. Gritting his teeth and hoisting the bag higher on his shoulder, Tyler restrained himself.

Walking towards the door, Tyler felt like he was trudging through quicksand. Every step he stook was heavy. His head was assuring him he was doing the right thing in giving Ava some space, but his heart was protesting loudly. Maybe with some time and some space she’d be able to see he wasn’t doing what he wanted, but he was doing what was right. What was best for her in the long run.

Turning to look back over his shoulder was the worst thing he’d ever done and Tyler was sure it was an image that would be burnt into his brain forever. He’d done it. He’d destroyed her. Dropping his duffle at the door, Tyler had her wrapped in his arms in two steps. Beneath his arms he could feel her trembling as she fisted the front of his shirt and soaked the sleeve with her salty tears. Kissing her tenderly on the top of her head, he whispered into her neck as he hung on for dear life. “I’m going to head home, Short Stack. Get some sleep. I’ll call you,” he said half-heartedly as he fled, desperate to keep his own tears hidden.

If Tyler had thought even for a second that the more distance he put between them the easier it would be, then he was an even bigger idiot than he thought. Squeezing the steering wheel, he dodged in and out of traffic, willing the pain to subside. Five minutes from home and he didn’t feel any better. If anything, he felt worse. Grabbing his phone, he activated speaker and waited for Jonathan to answer.

“Well hello, Tyler. I was wondering how long it was going to take you to let me know you’d arrived safely back in the country.”

Tyler could hear the amusement in Jonathan’s voice but couldn’t see the funny side and he was in no mood to even bother trying. “Jonathan,” Tyler snapped gruffly. “I need you to do something.”

“Continue…”

“Whatever you have planned for me between now and trials, cancel it. I don’t care if it’s radio, TV, appearances, sponsorship, meetings, or whatever. I don’t want to invest. I don’t want to motivate. I don’t want to inspire. I just want to be left the fuck alone. Okay?”

“Are you kidding me right now? Have you even looked at your schedule? The run into trials is the busiest time for you—”

“Not anymore. Clear it, Jonathan! Today!” Tyler wasn’t in the mood to argue. All he wanted to do was get home, get changed, head to the gym, and beat this shit out of something until it didn’t hurt anymore.

“Tyler! Be reasonable! Go home, look at your calendar, then come back to me. We can probably cull some, but others…well, you don’t have a choice.”

“I always have a choice, Jonathan. For fuck’s sake, it’s my life.”

“You have commitments, Tyler. Contracts. You can’t’ just walk away from everything because you don’t wanna anymore. Or because your love life is in shambles. Grow up, Tyler. You get paid a lot of money for what you do, so grow a pair and put up with it.”

Taken back but Jonathan’s bluntness, Tyler looked down at his hands and realised they were shaking as he tried to hold the wheel. He knew he had contracts and deals and people depending on him, but he couldn’t deal with it. He wasn’t equipped. He didn’t want to. “You don’t know anything about my life, Jonathan. I employ you, so please, just for once, do what I ask. Cancel everything. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Before Jonathan had a chance to argue or complain, Tyler ended the call as he pulled into the underground car park. Moments later he was in his bedroom toeing of his shoes and throwing his bag in a heap on the floor, giving it a satisfying kick. Stripping off clothes, he left a trail as he made his way into the bathroom and stepped under the icy cold spray.

Minutes went by and gradually Tyler felt worse. Everything that had been brewing for weeks was about to push him past breaking point. With his hands pressed against the stark, white tiles and the icy water pounding his shoulders, Tyler finally let go. Tears ran from his eyes and gut-wrenching sobs racked his entire body. He didn’t know how long he stood there howling under the fluorescent lights, but the moment he turned off the tap he discovered how completely cathartic letting go really was. Barely pausing to dry off, Tyler yanked the towel of the rack and rubbed it across his bare back and shoulders before it too landed on the carpet. Tyler collapsed onto his bed. The exhaustion was total. It took less than a breath before the snoring began.