ON AIR (21 page)

30

I
walked past Madden’s desk in somewhat of a daze. This was it. I was going to meet Sinclair.
The
Sinclair that everyone was dying to attach an identity to but had failed.

But why was she willing to make me an exception?

Madden shoved me forward. “Well go. Meet her. Fill me in, okay? Wait, can I come in and act like I’m your assistant or something? I’ll fucking bring you coffee and donuts, Dane. Please?”

I chuckled, but only out of nervousness. “Let’s just, uh, see what we’re dealing with here. Okay?”

I’m not sure if he answered me or not, but I started walking down the hall. I wondered if I should wait in my office until reception hollered, or just meet her in the lobby.

I headed for the lobby. At least I could grant her a bit of anonymity that way and she wouldn’t have to give her name. But as soon as I made it to the front desk, a platinum blonde was already standing there and said, “Jessica Sinclair to see Dane Thomas, please.”

I cleared my throat and she looked up. At the same time, Becker & Lewis’s brilliant front desk attendant said, “Mr. Thomas, there’s someone here to see you.”

I nodded. “Mmhmm thanks, Angie.” I faced Sinclair for the first time and tried not to stare. She was soooo not what I pictured, but that was Madden’s doing. But even thinking back to the first time I heard her voice, I knew I never pictured her super blonde with green eyes. She did have a nice ass, though. I only looked because of Madden. Well okay, maybe that’s why I looked.

I motioned her to walk with me and held out my hand to shake at the same time. “Well, I’m Dane. It’s nice to finally meet you.”
Maybe
, I wanted to add but didn’t.

I was still superficially trying to measure her up out of the corner of my eye as we walked side-by-side. Her hair really was shoulder length, but I could now see it was just the front portion. The back went shorter with some darker tones. She was about five-foot-four with a slender figure. Not at all busty like I kind of imagined, and not sex-on-heels like Madden had dreamt of. I mean she was a nice looking female, just not what we’d both envisioned. And it was weird I couldn’t even guess an age on her. Somewhere between twenty and thirty, I suppose.

I rated her a 7.5 (Hey, she was shorter than I preferred, height
and
hair).

“My first name is Jessica,” she informed me, eyeing me carefully. She seemed more nervous than I was.

“Jessica,” I repeated. “All right, I’ll do my best.”

She smiled as we entered my office. I noticed Madden peeking out of his but I didn’t have time to silently communicate and just closed my door for privacy.

“I actually go by either name if it matters,” she said. “Sinclair is my middle name and it’s fine if that’s what you’re comfortable with.”

I was used to the name Sinclair in regards to her, but the more I studied her, the more she looked like a Jessica. And then I recalled my Jessica Rabbit comment a while back and it made me roll my eyes to myself. The name was a coincidence, but her appearance was completely off.

I offered her a seat and then sat across from her. “I’ll have to see how the names fit you,” I remarked. I asked if she wanted something to drink but she declined. “As for everything else though… You really are the voice on the radio, correct? I mean you aren’t some fill-in for her to keep her identity a secret, right?”

She gave me a patient smile. I’m not sure if I was cool with that or not, being that it felt so weird having to ask someone that. I mean her voice sounded just like the radio voice but…

“
You’re listening to Slice of the City with Sinclair—your city of roses and so much more,”
she said, repeating a traditional ending to her segment. Her voice was a bit gruff yet sultry.

Yep, sounded exactly the same.

“Okay,” I nodded. “I’m just making sure.”

“I totally understand.”

We were both silent for an awkward amount of time. I was waiting for her to speak, but she appeared to be waiting for me to go first.

“So… Why are you here?” I finally asked. “I mean your job depends on concealment so…?”

She nodded slightly, but the way she was looking at me made me uncomfortable. And she seemed extremely nervous right now, more so than I noticed in the hall. I mean she exhaled and I could hear how shaky it was.

She swallowed. “You don’t know who I am, do you,” she stated softly as she glanced away.

Okay, that was not a sentence I expected to come out of her mouth, and I was immediately scrambling through names and faces. My history with women was a bit obscure in some ways. Yes I’d been out with a lot of women, and I’d spoken to and possibly flirted with a trazillion more… But I didn’t believe I’d ever seen this woman before.

“I’m drawing a blank,” I admitted. “No, I don’t know who you are. Am I supposed to? Have we met?”

“No, we’ve never actually met…”

Thank fuck. I mean not that it couldn’t have been a good meeting or whatever, but still, it was better that I hadn’t done some dumb ass hump-and-dump with a woman I couldn’t remember.

“I’m Hailey’s sister,” she added hesitantly. “Hailey Holt?”

And right then was when the wind was knocked out of me. I stared at her, and suddenly I was back in my life seven years ago, sitting in a courtroom. Jessica had different hair now and she wasn’t a teenager anymore, but the name hit me physically this time.

“Hailey?” I repeated, although I wasn’t sure if the sound actually came out of my mouth.

“I’m Jessica Holt. …I’m sorry for doing things this way, but it was the only way I could think of when the chance came…”

Her mouth kept making sound but I wasn’t listening. This was just a joke, right? Of all the paths to cross and all the people in the world, this coincidence wasn’t happening.

I stood, and my action of walking across the room made her stop talking. Helping myself to some water, I kept my back to her.

“I’ll leave if you need me to,” she said from somewhere behind me. Her voice seemed far away. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

It was automatic, but I shook my head in response. I could picture her in the courtroom, sitting on the stand. She’d seemed so young then—my sister’s age at the time, seventeen. She didn’t have blonde hair back then. It’d been brown and a lot longer. And her voice… All I could remember were the lies coming out of her mouth back then. I didn’t recall it sounding like it did now, but that was probably due to seven years passing by.

I took another drink of water and turned around, letting all the pieces fall into place. My memories flashed from the courtroom to my office, picturing this person in the past and now the present. I just couldn’t believe how all of this had evolved.

“So our emails back and forth,” I began. “That was just to work your way.... What? Into my life? To talk to me? I mean your family was told not to contact—”

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. The expression on her face seemed sincere, but I was the one being blindsided right now. How dare she fucking act like this was hard for her! She knew all along who she’d been talking to in our emails and
I
had no damn clue.

“I can’t believe you never said anything,” I scoffed.

“I can’t believe you emailed me,” she countered, her eyebrows furrowed. “I thought it was a joke.”

“No, joke’s on me, apparently.”

“That’s not what I intended at all. I swear to you, Dane. When you emailed me, I just thought the name was a coincidence. And then I saw the name of your firm on your email, looked up your picture on the website, saw it was you and got scared. I thought maybe you knew the identity of Sinclair from
Slice of the City
and I thought you were subtly letting me know. I thought you were going to expose my name. But then I realized you didn’t know and it was just…it was all just a crazy twist of fate.”

“Twist of fate,” I mimicked sarcastically. “So you just kept emailing me anyway? Under the ruse that you were just some radio talk show person? That your family didn’t change my fucking life in a matter of seconds?”

She lowered her head. “I swear to you, I did not mean any harm while emailing y—”

“Oh, that’s rich!” I raised my voice. “I’m guessing that was the case
seven years ago, right?” I laughed, but it was bitter and I pointed to the door. “Get out of my office.”

She didn’t move, and for a brief second I tried to reconsider. I tried to breathe in some sort of compassion and understanding, but I just couldn’t. I felt like a fucking idiot. I felt humiliated for being duped. But most of all, it hit me so hard with hurt it made me angry instead.

“I said get the fuck out of my office,” I repeated.

She nodded that time and stood. I stared at a wall as she walked across the room, but in my peripheral I saw her stop at the door. “If you change your mind… Well, you can email me, I guess.”

I grunted my disgust and completely turned my back so I didn’t have to watch her leave.

31

M
eeting with Sinclair left me wanting to puke. I was sitting at my desk in silence when Madden entered, and I just wasn’t in the mood for any of his questions.

“I’ll talk to you about it later,” was all I said. Maybe I would. I mean I wasn’t sure if I would tell him everything, but I’d probably mention something at some point.

“Okay,” he answered, and he shut the door behind him.

I felt bad but I just didn’t know how to proceed. I needed time to process things first.

I closed up my work and left the building. I headed straight for the precinct and asked to see Emmet. There was something that clicked into place and I needed answers. He wasn’t in but I was told he’d be returning from lunch in a bit.

I waited.

“Dane Thomas, what a surprise,” a drab voice muttered. I was sitting on a chair in the corner of the busy room, and even though I knew several of the cops in there, no one had spoken to me yet.

Looking up, I recognized the face in front of me. I’m sure I’d seen him at a police fundraiser or somewhere, but I had to look at his patrol uniform for a name.

Jewitt.

“Hi,” I forced myself to reply. Seriously, wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. I wanted to speak to Emmet, get some answers, and go home for the rest of the day. If anyone brought up how much they missed my dad, how much I reminded them of him, the case, or how tragic his death was… I was going to lose it.

“You don’t remember me,” Jewitt decided, his eyes turning a bit cold. “Yeah, you were a bit young when I first met you.
Way
too young, given the circumstances.” He looked angry now.

That look on his face kind of rang a bell, and even though I really was not in the mood to play another ‘guess who I am?’ game, I exhaled impatiently and replied, “Well I recognize you, but no, I’m not sure when or where we’ve met.”

He bobbed his head in agreement, eyeing me with obvious disdain. “You were just in middle school. I’m Jennifer Jewitt’s dad.”

Okay, that name I knew. Jennifer Jewitt. The girl I lost my virginity to when I was fourteen. Yep, eight grade. Didn’t know what all I could do with my pecker at that age, but I somehow managed.

And her father had pretty much threatened to kill me.

I only nodded. What was I supposed to say? She was a year older than me. She’d been the one who talked me into having sex while her parents were gone, and she was the one who made it sound like it’d been my idea so she wouldn’t get in trouble by her parents when they came home early.

Well that wasn’t the case. “Ah, yeah. Jennifer. Definitely remember her.”

“Do you? One of how many?” He narrowed his eyes at me.

It was true I’d been sort of a player. But that was
after
Jennifer Jewitt. She dumped me that same night. I still remember how shitty that felt. Truthfully, I think it’s what turned me a bit cold when it came to girls back then. I got my heart broken early on.

I wasn’t man enough to stand up for myself back then, but I sure the fuck was man enough now. I rose from my seat, not sure if I could wait for Emmet any longer but ready to give this man the cold truth about his precious little girl.

We faced each other eye-to-eye when I said, “
I
happened to be the ‘one of many’,” I informed him smugly. “Your daughter screwed half the football team and all of the baseball team. I’d say she had a productive four years in high school. They didn’t call her Doorknob for nothing. More turns than a doorknob—”

“
Dane
.”

My arm was grabbed and someone yanked me back. It was Emmet, and he stepped between the two of us. Jewitt looked livid and ready to blow. I was glad; that was my intention.

Emmet told him to fuck off and dragged me to his office. He shut the door behind us and said, “I hate that jerkoff, but don’t mess with him.”

I sat in a chair without being invited to. “He picked the wrong time to bring up his slutty daughter.”

He chuckled. “Jenni? Ah, yes, I remember that mess. Him and your father butted heads quite a bit because of that.”

That was news to me. I cocked an eyebrow at him. “What do you mean?”

Emmet waved it off. “Oh, you know. Parents. Defending their kids. No kid can do wrong. Jewitt told your dad he needed to leash his son; your dad told him some shit in return. It all boiled over and was done, though.” He paused and looked me over. “So? What’s up? Why you here? Not that I’m not happy to see you, but you haven’t stopped in here for…years.”

He spoke that last part reverently. He meant since my father had died, but we left it at that.

I took a deep breath, still considering his words about my dad and Jenni’s. But it was all in the past. I focused on the matter at hand.

“Jessica Sinclair Holt.”

I watched his face. It was expressionless for the most part, but I noticed his eyes flash with recognition. Instead of sitting behind his desk, he sat down in the other visitor’s chair next to me. I could tell his jaw was clenched because of that dancing vein in his temple.

“So your curiosity just couldn’t take a rest, huh?”

“Oh come on, Emmet.
She
came to
me
.”

Emmet didn’t budge except to blink. Finally he cleared his throat and glanced behind him at the bustle on the other side of the window. He turned around to face me again but was looking down at the floor as he leaned forward onto his knees.

“Dane, I just thought it was best.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

He looked up at me. “It means you should just drop the whole thing.”

“Drop it? I was completely caught off guard. Felt like I was fucking
sucker
punched! I looked like a goddamn fool, and you’re lucky I actually kept my composure. For the most part.”

He pursed his lips. I could see the vein in his temple was bulging now. And for some reason, I was feeling bold. I was struggling with life. I was unhappy with people lately. I was just fucking
fed up
. I was pissed off that he didn’t tell me, and I used Davey’s previous accusation to deliberately start shit with him right then.

“Are you doing crap you shouldn’t be, Emmet?” I asked straight up.

He narrowed his eyes at me. “What in the ever loving fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Are you a dirty cop?”

He popped up from his seat, reached forward and hauled me out of the chair, slamming me up against the wall. The door flew open and a couple of guys intervened. The one in the suit and tie pushed Emmet off of me, and when there was distance between us, the cop in uniform took up that space to keep us apart.

“The hell is the matter with you?” the suit asked Emmet. He glanced back at me with an angry face, but returned his attention to Emmet for an answer.

He said nothing.

“It’s no big deal,” I spoke up, stepping away from the wall.

As quick as I did, the uniformed cop shoved me back like he was afraid I was going to attack. I respected his authority, but I didn’t like being handled
at all
. I straightened my clothes defiantly, and oddly, wondered if I’d rocked Davey as hard as Emmet had just done to me.

“Family shit,” Emmet finally said. He turned away from the suit and tie so he could compose himself. “I’m good.”

Silent conversation was exchanged between the three of them, and then the other two cops left the office, shutting the door behind them.

I’d never seen Emmet fly off the handle like that, but I guess accusing someone of being a dirty cop would do that. I’d certainly react the same way. Some of us took pride in our integrity.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “I’m sorry I just threw that at you.”

“Well you’ve got some explaining to do,” he growled at me, taking another deep breath. He released it as he sat behind the desk this time. Scrubbing his hands over his face, he told me to have another seat.

I eyed the big desk between us and considered it to be somewhat safe.

Sitting down, I sighed. “I talked to David Denman. He told me he just missed getting busted that night. He claims there’s someone inside the police bureau who’s in with Danzig.”

“Well Danzig’s in jail,” Emmet waved flippantly with his hand. “That fucker will be off the streets for a while now.” I waited for him to expound, but he didn’t. “So why the hell did Jessica Holt pay you a visit?”

I paused as I adjusted to the topic switch. “First of all, did you pay her a visit first? I realize you never said outright that you didn’t see her in person that day, but I’m assuming you did. Right?”

He sighed impatiently. “Of course I did. Because of the flowers. And no, I didn’t know she was the city voice person. Only after I questioned her boss and got her full name. Then I asked to speak to her directly.”

“And for some reason you didn’t think that was information I should know?”

“No. I didn’t. I looked into it, Dane. She didn’t send you the spider flowers. She told me she’d been emailing with you and wanted to talk to you. She thought it was meant to be. I said no. Told her it was best not to. The case is over. No need to drag the skeletons out of the closet.”

“I think that’s one skeleton you should have told me about,” I retorted.

“If it went any further, then yes I would have.”

I laughed cynically. “Well here we are. She came to my office. Introduced herself.”

He rubbed his face again. “I’m sorry.”

“Not good enough.”

His eyes met mine. “Look, she was seventeen, Dane. A minor—”

“Hailey Holt lied to the police. They both did. You were there. How can you sit there and not see how wrong that was?”

“The media likes to twist the shit out of every story they can. They like to create chaos and extravagant headlines to get readers to their pages, channels, and websites. Not everything is black and white. I told you that justice was served. You still choose to not believe me.”

I stood abruptly. “I sat in a courtroom and watched a woman and her younger sister get away with lying through their teeth.
That
is not justice!”

“When you look at it through the law, then no it wasn’t. I could tell you more about Jessica Holt, but it’s none of your fucking business. It’s sealed information. Maybe she would have told you herself, but I assume you were a big jackhole and spit in her face.”

I wanted to yell at him and claim I would have done worse than that if she’d stayed, but I kept my mouth shut.

“I’m sorry you’re going through this again, Dane.”

“Empty words.”

His hand smashed against the desk so loud it made me jump. “Those are
not
empty words!” The echo lingered in the air for a few seconds. Then he exhaled, and I swear I saw his eyes glisten with moisture.

The only time I’d ever seen Emmet Greene cry was after my father died. It wasn’t during the funeral, or even afterward at the memorial the bureau held a week later. It was almost two months after my parents had left this earth. Emmet had asked if I’d go fishing with him. It was something my father loved to do, and they used to go together. But we sat there on the riverbank for almost an hour, staring at the water. Neither of us had even cast our poles. Suddenly he just completely broke down. He cried how sorry he was and how much he missed my parents. He cried for Chloe and how heartbroken she’d been. And he finally cried how sorry he was that he’d never be half the man my father was.

He promised he’d always be around to help us out, and I promised he didn’t have to try to fill my father’s shoes. And we never spoke of it again. Deep down I’d always known what that day was really about, but for some reason it had never hit me so clearly as it did right then in his office.

“I’ve never dishonored my badge,” he eventually added. “That case with Danzig did involve playing both sides, but it was the way the bureau wanted to handle it. I’m not dirty. I can’t say more than that.”

I only nodded. Despite everything that had happened and what was currently coming to the surface, I believed him.

“But I’m not a perfect man,” he continued.

“I don’t need you to say it.”

“I feel like I should.”

“I’m beginning to realize the truth, I don’t need to hear you say it.”

He stared at me for a very long time. I could see the sadness in his eyes, the remorse and the pain…but I didn’t see any regret. Somehow I’d always known but was never ready to let it break the surface. I didn’t understand what that meant about myself. I never knew why I couldn’t come to terms with it. Maybe because I knew it would change even more things in my life.

“I loved her, you know,” he finally said. “I loved your mother with all my heart.”