ON AIR (20 page)

28

“W
hat!?” Madden practically choked. “
You’re fucking kidding me
.”

I shook my head, not even willing to reply to that. He got the scoop on Sasha Monday morning in my office, and even I was disgusted with how awful the recap sounded coming out of my mouth. It was yet another one of my lame “chronicles of dating” episodes.

“Well come on, man,” he shrugged. “Maybe she just hasn’t slept with anyone lately. Maybe she’s out of practice and you just need to teach her some things. Take control.”

“She wouldn’t let me.”

“Oh, that’s weak, Dane. Since when do you let a woman impair your game?”

“Oh, I don’t know, when a woman says she doesn’t want you to go down on her?” I answered sarcastically.

He blinked at me. “She actually said that?”

“You know what? I don’t even know. But she wouldn’t let me do what I wanted to do. If it was because she wanted to take control…then sure. But no, she just wanted to lay there for a standard fucking.”

Madden snorted. “A standard fucking,” he mimicked. “Hey, you ever think you’re just used to you and Natalie? I mean you don’t tell me everything, but you and her… You two have some fun together, yeah?”

I paused before logging into my computer. Maybe he had a point. Was I really that out of touch with what normal sex was like?

“So I’m ruined,” I mumbled dryly.

“Come on, just because it didn’t click effortlessly with Sasha doesn’t mean it can’t in the future. Man, she’s cool and…
hot
! Don’t be so superficial about the sex.”

I gave him a
look
. “Sex isn’t superficial to me. It’s about connecting with someone. Yeah it’s fun and feels good and all that, but there has to
be
something. At least at this point in my life.”

“And nothing with Sasha? At all?”

I didn’t want to admit it, I honestly didn’t, but I slowly shook my head. “Nah, man. It sucked. And not the good way.”

“Well you’re looking to kind of settle down, right? I mean what if you’re just looking at it too hard. Look at it like you got laid and sex is sex, right? No harm, no foul. You got off, not the ideal experience, but it did the job. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.”

I understood what he meant, but I think I was more disappointed over the situation than I wanted to be. Maybe I’d jinxed myself. I even knew bad kissing was a deal breaker, but
bad in bed
??? Kissing her was great. What the hell happened after that?

“Has she called you since?” he asked me.

“I told you, dude. It was a classic hump-and-dump.”

“Are you sure? I mean… God, I’m so confused. I thought you two were great together.”

Maybe that was the problem. We looked good together but didn’t mesh beyond that. We had good conversations and got along; time spent together was fun. But no, we didn’t actually connect physically. It was all pretty platonic for the most part—no handholding at the game; no flirty smiles, teasing, or stupid little reasons to touch each other like you do when you want to get down to the sweaty flesh with someone.

There was no actual spark with Sasha. Yes, she was gorgeous and intelligent and classy… but she didn’t trigger carnal desires like there should be between people meant for one another.

Even just the thought of sleeping with her again felt all kinds of wrong.

I said that out loud to Madden and he sighed. “Well, okay, no friends-with-benefits with Ms. Sasha Kyle, then. I was rooting for the two of you. You did your best.”

And then there was the arrogant Dane Thomas, who was a bit pissed that she might think
I
was the bland one in bed. Seriously, I was bent out of shape because I couldn’t make her scream my name. That was
her
fault, but I sure as fuck didn’t want it to be used against me.

Yep, prideful as hell.

“Well it’s done. I already deleted her number.”

Madden didn’t reply. For him, that was weird. I looked at him after pulling up my most recent design but he just sat in the chair across from me, saying nothing.

I was going to change the subject and tell him that Sinclair had called me at the ballpark, but decided against it. I was meeting her tonight. Yes, meeting her. In person. Possibly I didn’t want anyone to know because of my nerves, but I was especially reluctant to tell Madden. I’m not sure why. I think I was just tired of all the ‘ifs’ in every step of my life and I wanted some solid answers before pulling him into another discussion.

After Madden returned to his office, another nine-hour workday went by for me. I showered and changed when I got home and sat on my couch for a few minutes to chill for a bit.

On the phone Saturday night, Sinclair sounded just like she did on the radio. I’m not sure why I had that on my mind, but I was also putting a lot of thought into this meeting with her and what it was going to mean. She seemed adamant about talking face-to-face and I was sort of anxious about that. Her job depended on her anonymity, so why was she making an exception?

I got to the restaurant ten minutes early. We decided on somewhere casual and MOD Pizza was near the waterfront. She said she’d find me, and being that she knew what I looked like but I didn’t know what she looked like, I guess my only option was to just sit down at the first open table I saw.

When it was ten after seven, I started to get a bit worried. There were all sorts of thoughts brewing in my head and one of them was that I was walking into something I wasn’t ready for. I didn’t know why I felt that way, but I decided to listen to my instincts and leave. I walked a block to the waterfront and leaned against the railing to let my mind settle down.

What the hell was going on? Why did I panic? I could only conclude that I wasn’t supposed to meet this woman. Call it weird, but I believed in stuff like that.

“Dane?”

I turned around to a familiar face. She was walking my way, slowly, like she was hesitant to approach me.

“Hey, Nat.”

I took a moment to look her over. She looked good. Sexy, like she’d been somewhere important. She was wearing high-heeled boots with a knee-length skirt and a pretty sweater.

“You look great,” I told her. “A little classy for picking up bums, though.”

She smiled and paused at the railing with me. “Yeah, I had a date.” She motioned to somewhere over her shoulder. “Didn’t turn out so hot, so I said no thanks to dessert and declined a lift home. I’ll take a cab.”

I felt bad that her date didn’t go so well…but did I? Maybe the arrogant prick inside me was a tiny bit glad. “I can give you a ride. I’m parked a few blocks up.”

“What for? What are you doing down here?”

I teetered my head back and forth. “Mmm, kind of the same reason. But I didn’t have a date. Just a meeting and they were late, and you know me and how much I like waiting for people.”

She smiled and then chuckled. “Yeah, patience is not…” I knew she was going to say patience is not my strong suit, but she held off. Maybe our spats in the past had softened her a bit. “You wanna go grab some cake with me? I seriously wanted dessert but not with that fuckwad.”

I laughed as I turned the direction she’d pointed and we walked. “So what was wrong with him?”

“Pssh, what was right with him? Every cliché you can think of for a jock. He talked about himself the entire time. ‘Oh, my college football days this, and my college football days that’ and ‘I would have been drafted but…’” She rolled her eyes. “Ugh. No thanks.”

“Hmm, those jocks.
Tsk, tsk
.”

“Well you at least have a brain,” she nudged me. “It’s pea-sized, but it’s sufficient.”

I nodded my agreement. “Can’t argue with you there. I’m not the smartest guy sometimes but I can design a fucking house.”

She lightly laughed as we crossed the street. “Pretty much.”

The mood was easy between us, so there was no reason to take offense. Thinking back, we could always joke with one another and not have hurt feelings. When had that changed?

Natalie looped her arm through mine as we walked, taking a right at the corner. It felt natural and nice, and I realized how much I had missed her lately. And then I began to dwell on the chance that I happened to see her down here at the waterfront. What were the odds of that? I’d just run from a meeting with a mystery woman, and then Natalie just happens to see me down by the river?

My mind was running a mile a minute. I hadn’t even realized we’d been seated in a restaurant and Nat was already skimming the dessert menu. I watched her for a minute, her charcoal-coated eyelids and long lashes helping make her choice. Her long hair was draped nicely over each shoulder, and I eyed her hands for a moment, recalling how well she could stroke my—

“Where was your date?” I asked, quickly clearing my mind of other thoughts.

She looked up, her hazel eyes seeming a bit darker than usual. “What do you mean? I left before he could—”

“No, where did you
go
on your date,” I clarified.

She paused. Longer than I thought she needed to. “Just at, uh, Yard House.”

We were currently sitting at Rock Bottom Brewery and the Yard House was just a block up and over. “He took you to a sports bar?”

She gave me a questioning smile. “Yeah, I told you…total jock.”

A jock trying to be as classy as he could possibly be. The Yard House was great, but I couldn’t imagine taking a first date there. I mean they had a great beer selection and good food, but not exactly a huge menu. And it was usually pretty crowded.

“Not a place I’d take a date,” I commented.

“I know you wouldn’t,” she smiled as she set the menu down. The waiter took her order and she faced me again when he left. “But had it been anywhere else, I may have made a scene in the middle of the date. At least there it’s bustling and I have things to look at.”

“Besides a date with a big ego?”

“Pretty much.”

“What was his name?”

She was about to take a sip of her water but paused to eye me. “Why you grilling me?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Just curious.”

She set the water down. “His name was Tyler.”

I rolled my eyes. I swear to God I would have guessed that.

“What’s your deal?” she chuckled. “Don’t be jealous, Dane. I already gave him the boot.”

I was going to argue and say I wasn’t jealous, but I hadn’t even had time to think about that. I was still stuck on the whole Sinclair thing, especially since it was seven-thirty and she hadn’t even called me to see where I was. She had my number but I didn’t have hers. How convenient for her.

I took a deep breath and folded my hands on the table. “Nat, I’m gonna ask you a question and I want you to answer me honestly. You don’t have to say anything other than yes or no. I won’t ask you anything further about it. Okay?”

She studied me curiously, her eyebrows furrowed. “What—”

“Just…please.”

Her cake was brought to the table and placed in front of her. She thanked the waiter but didn’t look at him because she was still staring at me. “Fine, Dane. Ask me and I’ll answer truthfully. No matter what it is.”

I nodded as I gave myself a few seconds to form the right words. “Did you really have a date with a guy named Tyler at Yard House tonight?”

She was still staring at me but her expression didn’t change. “You want me to just answer yes or no?”

“Just yes or no.”

“Then…no.”

29

I
felt some weird mixing of emotions happening. And I also cursed myself for pretty much eliminating my chance at any more answers.

But I let it be. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I saw the mystery of Sinclair in almost everyone and it was driving me crazy. I wanted to find out what the deal was with the fucking flowers. That’s all it was. I was so close to talking to her face-to-face and then I bailed.

“Do you need to ask me any other questions?” Natalie inquired. I couldn’t read the expression on her face. She could have been irritated with me or totally confused. Maybe both.

I only shrugged.

She sighed. “Ask, Dane. What is going on?”

“I had a meeting with Sinclair,” I blurted out. “We were supposed to meet at MOD and then I kind of freaked so I left before we met. Then you suddenly appeared at the waterfront…”

Her eyebrows rose for a few seconds, and then she took a bite of cake. When half a minute passed, she said, “You think I would play some sort of joke on you or—?”

“A joke? No. I’m just saying the whole situation is kind of weird.”

“Weird? You mean me and you running into each other in the city we both live in?”

Damn, maybe she had a point. Perhaps the odds really weren’t that unlikely.

“No, Dane, I’m not gallivanting as a radio talk show person either if that’s what you mean. Is that what you’re getting at?”

“Yeah, I guess.” I answered right away; I suppose to get it over with. I grabbed my head with both my hands. “This is just driving me insane.”

Natalie didn’t reply, even when I waited for one. She continued to eat her cake. When the waiter passed by I ordered a beer and some nachos. I think I owed myself at least that.

“Why didn’t you go through with the meeting?” Nat quietly asked after a minute.

I considered my answer for a few seconds. It’s not like I needed to make an excuse, but I wasn’t sure how it would sound. “I just had a weird feeling about it.”

“A weird feeling how? Like something bad was going to happen, or just a weird feeling like it was all really awkward and you were nervous.”

Yeah, both of those could have been true. I really wasn’t sure. “At ten after, maybe I thought I’d been stood up. I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t want to look like a fool. The whole thing has me paranoid. I had a shitty ending to a date on Saturday and I might just feel a bit defensive lately. I really don’t know, Natalie, but I don’t feel like myself these days. Maybe that’s what it comes down to and it’s affecting pretty much everything else in my life.”

My beer was set on the table in front of me and I drank half of it in one try.

“Even work?” she asked.

I thought about that for a moment. “Nah, I’m doing fine at work.” I paused to drink the rest of my beer. I needed some liquid courage because I decided to catch Natalie up on Sinclair and the flowers, my fucking twat neighbor, and even a little bit about Sasha. She listened intently, not even touching her cake the entire ten minutes.

Finally she took a breath and said, “Wow, you’ve had a lot going on. And Emmet couldn’t find anything on the flowers?”

I shook my head. “Just that the lady who put the order together forgot to add Madden’s name to it. And that there wasn’t another order like I got and especially nothing that was sent to my house.” And just bringing up Emmet’s name again added another slew of shit with Natalie’s brother.

“Are you free Thursday night?” she asked. “I know it’s not really your thing, but I have tickets to
Wicked
. Maybe you need to regroup. Do something different, and then try to get back into your usual routines again.”

The irony to that was the fact that
she
was a usual routine for me. The last month was a rollercoaster for us, though. But maybe things with Natalie were always sort of a rollercoaster and we’d just flown off the tracks for a bit.

Okay, I’ll stop with the stupid metaphors.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” I answered. “What time’s the show? I’ll take you to dinner first.”

When she smiled, it made me happy. Because it was the Natalie I was familiar with; the one who used to be so easygoing around me.

I wanted that back.

“Starts at seven-thirty. And yes, I’d love to have dinner first.”

We agreed on some details and then actually did talk about her brother for a bit. I paid the tab and we ended up walking along the waterfront again.

“He misses Ollie so much,” she was saying. “They were really close, and I guess I was too scared Davey was going to make the same mistakes. Ollie’s killer is behind bars, but I’m just worried Davey is out there for vengeance or something. It’s honestly the only way I can understand all this.”

She’d told me her brother had been avoiding her lately. He wouldn’t confirm or deny that he was still mixed up in bad business, but it seemed that he was at least less combative with her.

“He loves you, Nat. And he’s doing great at the office. Just by being there he’s trying to prove himself.”

She sighed, but I was surprised when her hazel eyes turned shimmery with tears. “He doesn’t have anything to prove. I just want him to be safe.”

I didn’t know what I should say. I could sympathize with her, but it killed me that I couldn’t ease her worries. Putting my arm around her, I said, “I have a good feeling about Davey. Just stay positive.”

I’m not sure if she believed me or not, but she nodded.

At nine-thirty, I drove Natalie home. Normally I would follow her up to her apartment and we’d have sex, so just dropping her off kind of felt odd. Neither of us mentioned it, though, and Nat turned to me before she got out of the truck.

“Dane…” She trailed off and then sighed. “Earlier…when you asked about my date? I did have a date with a jock named Tyler but… It wasn’t at Yard House. It was at MOD.” She paused to give me time to catch on. “I saw you,” she added softly. “I just…it hurt my heart seeing you there. I wanted to cry. I wanted to go to you, to talk to you... You looked so stressed out and sad…” She sighed again. “When you left, I ditched jock strap and followed you.”

I looked straight ahead out the windshield while I processed her confession.

“I’m sorry I lied to you about Yard House. I just… I didn’t know what to say. I thought maybe you got stood up and… I just didn’t want to embarrass you. I’m so sorry I was dishonest with you, Dane. I’m so very sorry.”

I waved it off. Honestly, I could understand. I’d probably have done the same thing. “It’s okay Nat, I know you meant well.”

She kissed me on the cheek and thanked me for the lift, and I waited until she was safely inside.

I wanted to reevaluate my life, and I believed Natalie was right about going back to my roots.

***

I got a call from Sinclair the next morning. I was in my office working on a design but answered the blocked number on my cell phone. I knew it was her, but even though I’d decided to drop my interest in her, I still couldn’t suppress my curiosity.

“Dane, I’m truly sorry about last night. You must think I’m a complete bitch for standing you up.”

Hmm, so she really didn’t show? Made me feel a tiny victory for leaving when I did, but it hadn’t resolve anything. Also, she didn’t speak as calm and collect as she normally did. Maybe there was a bit of panic on her part.

“I left at ten-after anyway, so no big deal,” I replied, choosing not to explain any further than that.

She paused. “Oh. Okay. So…did you decide not to meet with me or…?”

She was referring to me leaving so quickly. I had no other answer except, “Yeah, that was kind of the case. I mean you’ve got a good thing going for you and I don’t want you to ruin that. As for the flowers, I’m just going to chalk it up to some random fluke. I don’t know. There’s nothing I can do about it right now.”

“Well… I appreciate your consideration about my job. And… I kind of chickened out. I’m really sorry. I know you didn’t wait long but…I’m sorry.”

I only nodded my response, even though I knew she couldn’t see it. Wasn’t sure how to reply. Finally I said, “Well no harm done. Let’s just move on our separate ways and call it good, okay? I really need to reset my priorities right now. I wish you the best and…yeah.”

She paused briefly. I thought she’d agree and be out of my life, but instead she replied, “Dane, I’m here at your architecture firm. Are you sure we can’t meet?”

My blood froze for a second but my heart hammered aggressively. It was the strangest feeling. She was here? To meet with me?

“White Malibu in the parking lot,” she added.

My office didn’t overlook the parking lot, but Madden’s did. I got up from my desk and walked across the hall two doors down. His door was open and he was nose deep in a design on the table, but I walked right over to the windows.

After a quick scan, sure enough I spotted an unfamiliar white car down there.

“Hello? Dane?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m here. Um… sure, come on up. Third floor.”

I hung up without hearing a response. I guess it was just sheer lack of self-control, but that’s what I did.

Madden was standing there studying me.

“Sinclair is here,” I told him.

His eyes went huge. “Here? As in…here in the building?”

Well shit, guess I couldn’t be sure of that. I looked out the window at the car again and saw no movement. I couldn’t even be certain if anyone was in it, but there seemed to be. I thought that was a dark colored shirt or something. At least she hadn’t driven off after I hung up, but maybe that would have been better.

“What are we stalking?” Madden appeared next to me, stroking his beard in concentration.

“The white car,” I pointed. I realized she could probably lean forward enough to look up and see us, and for that reason, I took a step back. “Long story, but I was supposed to meet up with her last night and we didn’t. Then she just called and said she was here.”

He grabbed my shoulder and practically shoved my face to the glass. “She’s getting out of the car.”

I pulled myself back again but so I could still see. “I don’t exactly want her to see us gawking.”

He didn’t reply, because both of us really were gawking as a woman stepped out of the car and shut the door. She had blonde hair. Why that seemed weird I’m not sure, but when Madden opened his mouth I realized why.

“No, she can’t be blonde,” he groaned. “Long, thick, wavy red hair. That’s what’s been in my head this entire time. Full lips, big eyes, and a nice ass that’s worth grabbing. That broad looks way too skinny.”

I hadn’t even noticed much of her, but yes, she did look pretty petite from where we stood three stories up. Her blonde hair was shoulder-length that I could tell, and the only other thing that was obvious was her gray top and black pants as she disappeared into the building.