Ode to the Queen (17 page)

"No, I really don't. Because what I feel and don't feel have nothing to do with what you feel. I told you Savannah, I've told you countless times I'm not in it for you or anyone else. I look out for number one and that's the only way I know how to be. Stop building me up in your head as some kind of mysterious guy. I’m not the guy who is going to surprise you in the end and let you change him. You're not going to change me and I'm everything you don't want. That's the only thing I know."

I was devastated. He was probably right. He was all wrong for me; he was going to hurt me if I let him get close. The trouble was, I already had. No matter what happened now he was under my skin and it was going to hurt. Yet still, I couldn’t help but think if he didn't care in some capacity he wouldn't have helped me with Charlotte and said those things he had to Atlas.

So with a seed of hope I called him out: "Bullshit. I think you do care but you take the easy route out, not because you're a bad guy but because you're a coward. You're too comfortable acting like you don't care and being an asshole to people who try to get close because you're too afraid to just be real and open with someone. And trust me, I could change a lot but you being a coward - that's not something anyone can ever change."

"Don't tell me what I am little girl, you don't know anything." He said stiffly, his jaw clenched and working at controlling the slowly building rage.

"Do not call me a little girl. I do know a lot. I know a lot more than you want me to know and that's what you hate. You hate the fact that he feels comfortable with her and, in turn, me. It’s why you admitted things to me last night you would have never told anyone.” I was staring at him, breathing hard as if I’d just finished running a triathlon. In a way I was, it felt like just when I finished the first part I was ready to quit but there was always another hoop I needed to jump through before reaching the finish line.

“You treat me like shit but then turn around and defend me, protect me, doing things someone who isn’t supposed to care wouldn’t do but that doesn’t stop you. Don’t you see how conflicting that is? I’m going out of my head just trying to keep up with you. It doesn’t help that Hera’s so hot and cold about her own husband already. I don’t need this… I don’t even want this.”

I’d wanted my Prince Charming and I naively thought maybe he could be that but he wasn’t. And he’d told me that. I was only naive to ignore what was right in front of me.

“I’m done.” I said simply, I just didn’t have the fight in me to keep this up anymore. If he didn’t want to come clean with what he was feeling nothing I said or did was going to change that. I was just going to continue banging my head against the wall and the only productive thing that would come out of that was a migraine. Nodding contently to myself I reiterated: “I’m done” and moved past him down the hall.

If I got over his bullshit, I got over the annoyance I constantly felt creeping up my spine whenever he became arrogant and acted like he was better than all this – than me.

This is what he wanted anyways. He didn’t want to be with me, he wasn’t prepared to change or be the prince charming I wanted. It was only fair to both of us that I abide by his wishes.

The further I got from him, the more confident I felt.

“You know that’s not true.” Aidan said simply. His footsteps echoed as they came up behind me.

I desperately just wanted something constant in my life for a change. I didn’t want to second-guess myself and yet I knew with Aidan that would always be something I would feel.

"Something deep inside of you loves fighting with me, just like I secretly enjoy it." I knew exactly what that something was.

"It's them you know." I said quietly, taking a deep breath as I stood up straight again and turned to look at him. He nodded his head, agreeing with me quietly.

"God knows why."

"Zeus knows why, you mean." We both laughed, letting the tension of the moment dissolve. This was the problem with him, just when I was ready to give up he would do something to reel me back in. He both wanted to be rid of me and couldn’t imagine not having me around. That might work for him but it didn’t work for me. I needed something concrete, I needed to know where I stood with him even in the smallest capacity.

"Why can't you just admit that you feel something? It's okay to say you don't know if it's you, or if it's him. At least you stop lying to both of us." I said, staring up at him earnestly. "I know what it's like to be confused nearly all the time with yourself. I feel that every single second to the point I think I might snap and kill everyone here."

"Gonna open fire and pin us all to the wall like your own personal Greek God collection, Queenie?" Aidan smirked at me, the teasing evident in his voice although I frowned at him.

"Hardly, but I do really wonder if one day something is going to push me over the edge."

"And by something you mean me." He said quietly, his eyebrows rising slightly as he watched for my reaction. I couldn't lie so I shrugged, half committing to my agreement.

"You are the most infuriating thing here."

He seemed proud of this fact as he grinned at me, "I do my best."

"I'd hate to see what your worst is."

"I think if you saw my worst, that would be the day you snapped." I thought about this for a moment and then offered him a smile as I nodded.

"You said it, not me." I turned back toward the hallway, starting down it. I only made it a few more steps away when he spoke again.

“I’m not saying I care one way or the other Savannah, I’m not even admitting whether it’s him or it’s me that feels the things we do. I’m just not ready to accept that one minute I was living my life the way I saw fit and the next I’m here being told that someone – you – are my Godly wife and this is my fate.

I’ve never believed in fate ever before so why should I start now just because I’m supposedly Zeus? If I’m going to do or say anything it’s going to be on my own terms, not someone else’s especially not Atlas’.

And for right now, I don’t want a wife – I don’t want a girlfriend. I want time to figure this place out and my place in it. It’s hard enough learning I’m the most powerful God in the world right now with a target on my back without adding in a needy wife.

And you’re right Blondie, you don’t need this. You need to figure out who you are and where you stand too instead of relying on me for your identity. Because; at the end of the day, even if we are King and Queen, that’s not your identity. It’s who you are in the face of adversity and the decisions you’re going to make when there’s no one else there to make them.

If you want to be Queen you need to start acting like it and stop relying on a King to give you power. I don’t know what else I can say Savannah... I just feel like I’m repeating myself to you over and over again and this is as clear as I can get. It doesn’t matter if I love you or not, you need to love yourself as much as you love me. Start taking care of yourself, no one else here is going to do it.”

All along there was a man inside of Aidan, a thoughtful, intelligent man despite his façade for arrogant and chauvinism. He was a man, just as confused as I was, trying to guide me in a way my own stubborn resolve wouldn’t allow. But here it was, all laid out for me like he had the night before. Everything he had ever said to me reiterated into one speech that answered all my questions. It didn’t matter who I hated or loved because he was right, none of them decided my power or position. That fell onto my shoulders and all along I’d been doing nothing but worrying about them.

I felt childish and embarrassed. We had been chosen to be Greek Gods and that didn’t mean it was all going to be fun and games. Sure, for now, we were enjoying ourselves but Aidan knew the harsh reality. There was trouble brewing, whether it was civil or worldly, but it was coming and unless we prepared ourselves for it we were going to fail the mission we had been chosen for.

"I guess I'll see you later then."

"Will you?" He asked mysteriously. I shrugged because now I wasn’t so sure. I couldn’t exactly say Aidan and I were in a good place because maybe we weren’t in the same place at all.

It was a lot to think about, what he had said had changed my entire outlook on this whole situation. I wanted to be Queen, that much was true, but I wasn’t ready to be.

That was going to take some time.

I had a lot to think about once I got back to my apartment. I was still reeling from the effect of Aidan’s speech and still embarrassed that this entire time he had been nothing but upfront and honest – in his way – to a completely blind and ignorant me. If only I had possessed some sense to see what he had been saying all along, it might’ve spared me some confusion and annoyance.

As I sat on my couch going over everything I had learned in the last 24 hours about Aidan and about my own Godly existence I fell into an exhausted sleep. I have expected to wake up from the nap with recollection of another dream from Savannah-Hera but instead I slept soundly, allowing everything to come to terms within me.

When I woke I couldn’t be sure of the time or the day in which I had roused. Days and their names had begun to fade from my mind as their necessity had lessened. Just like time, days of the week no longer had the importance they'd possessed for me when I was a mortal. While technically it felt as though it had only been a matter of days since I arrived at Olympus for all I knew it could have been months or even hours. Time simply didn’t exist in the way I was used to it here.

I took my time, moving slowly around my apartment doing mundane things I'd once used to pass time in my mortal life. I changed out of the yoga clothes into something less restrictive, I made tea, I watched television, I even cracked a couple of the books Atlas had thoughtfully left in my room but I was still bored and I still wanted to get out of the flat.

So I decided to explore. Everyone had told me how this place had everything we could ever desire. I decided to put it to the test. As soon as I was out in the hallway I knew where I wanted to go. The stuff I knew about my Goddess was bare minimum, the things that were touched on in elementary school, but you never revisited that information unless you had a keen interest. I knew enough about Hera to know what to expect, but now I wanted more.

I had finally managed to master the hallway system as I made my way down the hall and opened the first door. I concentrated on thinking about needing a library with all the histories of the Gods. When the door was fully pushed open it revealed to me exactly what I had been hoping for. Aisles upon aisles spanned along showing me bookshelves falling over with books.

My eyes nearly bugged out of my head in excitement and I moved further into the room looking around. I didn’t exactly know what I was looking for until the filing system caught my eye. Like any good library it had plaques on the front of every bookshelf telling me what was down each aisle and thankfully they were each labeled by God.

So I followed it along looking for Hera’s spot and then there I was. I stood in awe staring at the books chronicling my Goddess’ former life and I felt a bit overwhelmed. How was I supposed to read all this and understand it without referencing back to anything else in the library.

I made my way along the shelving unit until I reached the end and there it was. It was marked with a roman numeral of 1 and I reached out, taking the heavy and dusty tome in my hand, staring at it. It was black and rimmed with gold trim; dust layered it from the centuries it had just sat here unattended. I felt my heart go out to poor Hera who didn’t even have anyone willing to go and look her up.

Moving back toward the end of the aisle I sought a table to sit at, having no interest in holding the book in my arm as I perused through it. Thankfully my library came equipped with a nice set of cushions all lavishly displayed for, no doubt, Godly rears. Sinking down into the fluffy throne, I settled in and slowly opened the book looking into Hera's past.

As I'd known she was the oldest daughter of Rhea and Cronos, swallowed by her father upon birth. She spent her early years in Cronos' stomach until Zeus and Rhea hatched a plan to free her and her other siblings from their paternal prison.

Once she was freed from Cronos' stomach she left and went to live with Oceanus and Tethys who raised her until she returned to Olympus in order to help her brothers and sisters battle the Titans.

She was one of the main fighters in the battle against the Titans, fighting side by side with Zeus. Zeus found he was growing fond of Hera and decided that in order to court her he would turn himself into a cuckoo bird. Hera naively caught the bird as a pet but once she loved it he turned back into himself and took her maidenhood.

The older Hera got the more beautiful Zeus found her and decided that she should be his wife. Once married though it didn't stop him from looking upon other women or pursuing them. Typically Hera turned a blind eye and let him do what he wanted because she was still his inferior and lacked the same amount of power that he had. But, she did have a tendency to react and get jealous.

Hera was well known for her jealous tendencies and there were many Gods and mortals alike who had all found themselves under her jealous wrath. Throughout it all, however, Zeus never once strayed in his affection. It would seem that every time he infuriated her he always came crawling back hoping to make her happy by seducing her once more. He even once made a cloud just for them and together they had laid in it for days while the rest of the world went on without them.

I looked up, feeling suddenly enlightened by all this. Aidan really was Zeus in his pursuits of other women for the sake of glory and nothing else before he came back to me with his thoughts and his fears.

It was terrifying to see in a book something that was happening to me in real life when books were meant to be fictional. I was still struggling to wrap my head around the idea that all these stories, in the end, were real.

I knew that by looking into Hera's history like I'd chosen to I'd find uncanny similarities to her and myself. I could hardly believe just how accurate it all turned out to be. I didn't like the idea of being constantly jealous of him. I didn't like the idea of him using me the way Zeus had done Hera. I was a modern woman with modern ideas, and as a modern man he needed to respect that, whatever happened.

I wasn't going to be as easy as Hera was and turn a blind eye to it. Being cheated on was the end of the game for me. After that I would never be able to trust him again. I knew that without trust there was no real relationship.

People tried to fool themselves into thinking that how they felt about the other person could salvage what had been lost. But before anything else, even love, trust had to be established with the other person. How else were you supposed to give your heart and give into what you were feeling if you couldn't trust them?

I wanted to believe Aidan would understand this, given his reluctance to get close to me. That had to do with trust surely and so my demands of such a thing couldn't be laughed at or forgotten.

But what bothered me the most about all this was how Zeus was so certain that no matter what he did, he could always come back to Hera and things would go back to being the same. She let him walk all over her the way he had because she hadn't set boundaries. Being a Goddess of marriage she should have invoked the holiness of the vows they'd exchanged. Sure they must have been different in Ancient Greece compared to modern day but the values were still the same. Love was always the same.

Standing up I quickly made my way down the aisle looking for the next book. I wanted to know more; I wanted to know why Charlotte - or Athena - hated me and why Royce - Hephaestus - one moment would be there for me, and the next, turn his back on me.

I found my answers in the next volume, which chronicled the children Hera had bore for Zeus. One of them was Ares, which explained why Zane had come over to me with Royce earlier to protect me from Griffin. Athena, as it turned out, was a child solely of Zeus.

He had created her from his head and coveted her above all his other children. Charlotte must have sensed that but taken it the wrong way, pursuing him instead as a mate. And Hephaestus had a rocky relationship with his mother.

When he was born he was crippled in both his legs and Hera’s shallow tastes led her to throwing him off Mount Olympus hoping to forget all about him. A while later he returned in the form of a golden throne, which he sent as revenge toward Hera. When she sat down in it, the chair took on a life of it's own and chained her in it. It was only with the help of Dionysus who got him drunk and convinced him to free her, that she was able to get out.

One reoccurring theme was that Hephaestus returned to Hera when she needed help against others that threatened her or her family.

The more I read the more I realised just how accurate everything that had been happening to me with the other Gods was. I was meant to be jealous of Nicola because Paris of Troy had chosen her as the most beautiful Goddess of all, even though it had been Hera for centuries that had held that title until Aphrodite’s birth.

I devoured the book late into the night until the sun had already risen from its bed and awoken the new day. I closed the book and set it down beside me thinking about everything that was going through my head. I had a lot of decisions to make regarding this second chance I’d been offered.

Allying and staying with Zeus entailed a lot of personal grief if history were to repeat itself. It would challenge me to be able to accept myself for who I was and try not to find fault in myself for his failings. And while Hera might have been able to do this I wasn’t sure if I could. She was, according to history, a lot more beautiful than I was and no doubt had to be in order to return Zeus’ straying eyes to her every time.

But I wasn’t like that; I couldn’t believe myself capable of holding such power over a man. Not to mention how much Zeus took advantage of her. Could I handle letting someone walk all over me for the rest of my life just because I was the inferior sex? If I was going to be Queen of the Heavens I wanted to do so at an equal level with my partner.

Aidan’s words about how he would choose who he wanted at his side rung through my mind. While I knew it was his choice to pick his Queen, wasn’t I the obvious choice? Also, I was the only one he ever felt comfortable opening up to. Twice now in less then two days he’d opened himself up to me in such a vulnerable way that as far as I could see it, the choice was obvious.

But then again I wouldn’t put it past Aidan to choose someone else if only to hurt me. He didn’t want to be obvious; he didn’t want history to repeat itself as much as I did. He said he was scared of his fate being decided for him... So perhaps, while all the signs were there, he would choose someone different just to turn history on its head.

Behind me something fell off a shelf and hit the ground. I spun around in the cushion and looked around me for the source of the noise. There was a small scuffle and then silence returned. Frowning to myself I stood up and found a book lying on the floor. I moved quickly toward it, bending down to pick it up when I spotted it – a pair of shoes hiding behind the shelf, just barely visible between a hole on the bottom rack.

A frown burrowed itself in my brow as I straightened up and marched around the shelves and pausing in my step when I saw who it was.

“Are you spying on me?” My tone was a lot more accusatory than I meant for it to be as I set my hands on my hips. “What are you doing here?”

“What are you doing here?” He replied, as if I was the one who’d been skulking behind the books this entire time.

Crossing my arms I glared at him, “I asked first, and we’re not playing this game. Are you spying on me?”

“Why would I want to do that?”

“I don’t know... it probably has something to do with your depravity though.”

He scowled more at me, coming out completely from behind the shelves. Lumbering over me, as if to reassert his power and regain control of the situation. He came to a stop right in front of me so I was forced to stare up at him. I wanted to believe I was better than his petulance but I knew I had the tendency to be petty when I was being defensive like him.

“Please. Why are you so full of yourself, Queenie? The world does not, in fact, revolve around you. I have no interest in what you were doing nor was I looking for you.”

I was half amused by the fact he was growing overly defensive, bringing up things I hadn’t asked about, nor even considered before he mentioned it.

“That’s funny coming from you. You walk into the room and expect everyone to drop what they’re doing and bow down to you. And you know what, I don’t think it has anything to do with being Zeus I bet you did it even when you were still completely mortal.”

Naturally, he just smirked, which only managed to infuriate me more.

“It’s not that I acted that way but that people instinctively bowed down to me. I once had this co-worker who started wearing the same clothes I had worn the day before, copying my mannerisms… He literally tried to be me, he worshiped me so desperately.” His words and his face just made me want to hit him; I wasn’t in the mood for this, especially not after how he left things last night.

I was supposed to be trying to get over all this - the constant bickering, the low blows to try and garner some kind of response from one another. I didn’t want this and even with hundreds of smart remarks edging to the tip of my tongue, I looked up at him ready to tell him I didn’t care one way or the other. He could call me arrogant all he wanted when I knew the truth.

“I obviously got a restraining order. People like that get so desperate so fast, I couldn’t risk anyone endangering any of… this.” He carried on, not even realising I wasn’t paying attention to him. His hand swept the length of his side, motioning to his physique and my eyes naturally followed the progression.

In that moment, though, I suddenly felt like someone had dumped a bucket of cold water down my spine, causing me to shiver involuntarily. Something changed, I was still myself but there was a distinct sense it wasn’t really me.

With a shock, I realised: this was Hera.

I was there, mentally present, but I wasn’t in control of my body. Akin to being drunk: aware but everything moves around you in a haze, you feel like you can’t do anything to change or stop it. You want to react but there’s literally nothing you can do except give in and let the chips fall where they may.