October Breezes (22 page)

By the time the nurse came back, I'd dressed, only slipping my shoes halfway on. I half heard her instructions and signed al the right places.

Although the anesthesia stil scrambled my thoughts, I met Jimmy and walked out on my own. More than once, he frowned at me. As I stepped off a curb, I started to fal, but he caught my arm and, despite my protests, led me to his car, opened the passenger door and tucked me inside.

I rested against the seat, trying to keep the world from spinning by closing my eyes, but it went on with it’s slow rotation, dragging me with it. I gripped the arm rests.

“You al right?” Jimmy started his car.

“Fine. It’s just the anesthesia they gave me. It makes me dizzy.”

He started driving. “Why don’t you rest? You look sick.”

“Okay,” I whispered.

* * *

I slowly opened my eyes and found a headache between my temples, but this time the surroundings came into focus.

Although I’d always loved the color blue, my wals were white, and there should've been a hand-sewn christening gown hanging on the wal--a gift from my grandmother before she’d passed away. My mother had refused to let me paint my room blue, yet these wals were definitely…blue. And a shelf against one wal featured numerous trophies. Model airplanes dangled from fishing wire tacked to the ceiling.

“Skye?”

I turned to find Jimmy sitting in a roling chair by his desk, his computer at his back. He'd propped his elbows on his knees as he leaned over and peered anxiously at me.

“Where am I?” I looked at my body, realizing he'd covered me with a blanket.

“My room.” He stood. “You were out by the time we’d driven back, and I didn’t want to just drop you off at home where no one was there in case something happened."

A flush crept into my cheeks. “What about your parents?

Didn’t they think it odd seeing you carry me inside?”

He shook his head. “No one was here, Skye. My parents are divorced and my dad is out of town. Your secret is safe.”

I slowly sat up, wondering if I would stil feel dizzy, but the world remained sharply focused. “Could I get something to drink?

My mouth is dry.” I licked my lips.

“Sure.” He disappeared while I patted my hair, wondering how bad I looked. Although I kept expecting pain, there wasn’t much. Stil I couldn’t touch my abdomen without seeing that sonogram, knowing there had once been a baby I had been afraid to alow to grow. I shuddered.

“You okay? You’re a little pale .” Jimmy strode to the bed with a cup, which he handed to me.

I forced a wan smile and said, “Yeah, I’m okay. Just have a headache.” Despite my best efforts, I stil trembled and almost spiled the water as I took a sip. “What time is it?”

He looked at his watch. “3:30. You cold?”

“I’m okay.” I swalowed hard. “May I use your restroom?” I swung my legs off the bed.

“Sure.”

Although I thought he would lead the way, I was surprised that he waited for me to stand and supported me. Although his fingers easily surrounded my arm, his grip was gentle, reassuring.

“Easy does it.” He scrutinized me, probably wondering if I'd fal the minute he let go. “You okay?”

Nodding, I said, “Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Folow me.” He walked in front of me, careful not to get too far ahead.

Although it grated on my nerves to be watched so carefuly, it also made me feel secure. We walked down the halway, and he pointed to the first open door. “There you go.” He turned on the lightswitch. “Let me know if you need anything.”

“Thanks.” I closed the door and leaned against it.

Immediately, al the memories filed my head. “Go away,” I whispered.

When I’d relieved myself, I felt blood pour out of me, and I steeled myself, trying not to panic. Had the nurse mentioned this?

“Everything al right?” Jimmy asked from the other side.

“Fine,” I gushed. “It’s al fine.” Tears burned my eyes and I told myself not to cry. This wasn’t the end of my life. I could start over. Yet, even as I puled my pants up, I could fe el more blood and some cramping. What did it mean?

I washed my face, patted my hair into place, and walked into the halway. The cramping bent me over slightly. Jimmy grabbed my forearm. “You’re white as a ghost. You al right?”

“I’m fine. There’s some bleeding.”

He scanned my features. “You think you should see a doctor, Skye?”

I straightened and puled away. “No, it’s okay.”

“What if it’s not?” His eyes burrowed into me. “You could bleed to death.” He reached into his pocket for his keys. “I think we should go to the emergency clinic."

“No.” I shook my head adamantly. I folded my arms across my chest. It wasn't much bravado because I knew if he wanted to, he could haul me over his massive shoulder and take me wherever he wanted, but I knew he wouldn't. “I’m not going. I’ve seen enough doctors for a month. I just want to go home.” I pushed the hair in my face behind my ears.

“You shouldn’t be alone.”

I laughed halowly, causticaly. “Don’t worry. My mom wil be home soon. I won’t be alone for long. Even if something does happen, it’s not your fault, Jimmy.” I patted his hand, and damned if I didn’t feel my eyes tearing up again. “You didn’t make this mess or pay to fix it. You just drove me.” I looked down the halway. “Now can you get me home?”

“Sure.”

We fel silent on the way home, and when Jimmy puled into my driveway, I offered a weak smile. “Thank you. I don’t know what I would have done without your help.”

He returned the smile. “I’m glad I could help. I just wish it would have been under better circumstances that we got to know each other.”

“Me, too.” I closed the car door and walked inside, relieved Mom hadn’t gotten home. My secret remained undiscovered. Jimmy waited until I’d unlocked the door and headed into the house before driving away. Once inside, I headed to my room. “Don’t think about it,” I whispered quietly, but I couldn’t stop.

I could feel myself stil passing blood. No matter what, I wouldn’t ask for help. I’d made this choice, and no matter the cost, I wouldn’t tel anyone. I looked at the stuffed animals lying on my bed. One shelf held the books I’d liked when I was smal and the journals

I’d kept for years. On one wal, I spotted the fabric-covered corkboard with pictures of Devin and me covering it. I plucked the thumbtack from a ninth-grade prom picture of Devin and me. Although the camera ha d caught us smiling, I remembered how much of a façade that had been. The anger had started that year as I kept trying to understand how my dad could just leave. The only conclusion I had reached was that I had driven him away. Since that photo, I had pushed Devin away too, constantly testing him to see how far I could go.

The photo slipped and fluttering to the ground. Now I knew. He' d never forgive me, and it had been my fault. With trembling hands I picked up the picture and put it back. I swalowed hard, seeing for the first time how many good things I’d had, even without my father, and how I could judge him when I hadn’t even given the child who'd been inside of me a chance?

This room, these things, this life belonged to someone else, someone who had died at that clinic. I leaned against the door, crying. The sobs punched me, and I slid until I hit the floor. I stayed there until I couldn’t cry anymore. Then I went to bed.

* * *

I tried to feel my way through the blackness, but I couldn't latch
onto
anything. Where was I? A bright light shone ahead, and I
scrambled toward it. Darkness ended in a room so bright I had
to shield my eyes. White walls, white floor, white ceiling. At my
feet lay naked, broken dolls. One had lost an arm, another one
a leg. One was headless. All were bloody
Voices.

“Is she out?”

There was a stretcher in the center of the room, and my
body lay upon it. A nurse leaned over me. I wore a hospital
gown just as at the clinic.

“Yes, Dr. Sims, she’s out. We can start.”

“No!” I yelled. “I’ve changed my mind." But the me
on the table didn't move, and she was the one they saw.

To my left stood a monitor, and on the screen the lines
jumped and dipped, making weird peaks and valleys before
falling into a sudden flat line. The nurse's gaze jerked toward
it. “Doctor, she’s crashing! We’re losing her.”

He shrugged, pulling off his bloody gloves and
throwing them into a trash bin. “She deserves it. Maybe we
can save the baby.”

* * *

Sweat glossed my body, and perspiration ran down my face. My stomach ached, but I figured I was al right—as al right as I was ever going to be. That baby was dead.

Glancing out the window, I realized night had darkened the sky. I looked at the clock. 8:00. Mom had to be home. Maybe she just hadn’t bothered to wake me. I grabbed a tissue and wiped my face, but after the sweat was gone, my pale cheeks stil hinted at something amiss. I just had to hope she hadn’t seen it.

Struggling to regain my composure, I ambled down the stairs and into the dining room. Mom sat on the sofa next to Warren. Although they had been talking in low tones, when I lingered in the doorway, Warren smiled. “Hey, Skye.”

“Hi.” I shoved my hands into my pockets, crossed the room, and sat in the recliner.

“Feel better after your nap?” Mom asked.

I shrugged. “I was fine before my nap. What made you think I was sick?”

She leaned on Warren’s shoulder. “You didn't look right, and you didn’t seem to want to wake up so I thought I’d just put your plate in the microwave.”

“Thanks, Mom.” I started toward the kitchen.

“Skye, can we talk for a minute?” She waited until I joined them before looking at Warren and then back. “Warren and I are going to Las Vegas this weekend to get married, but we want your blessings."

I felt a smile burst across my face. "That's great!" I gushed, first hugging Mom then Warren.

"How do you feel about a trip?”

I swalowed hard and smiled. “Mom, I’m happy you're getting married, but you need to spend the weekend with each other.” I raised my hands and said, “And no, I’m not planning anything wild or crazy. No one wil step in this house except me.”

“Sure you don’t want to go?” Warren squeezed my hand.

“We’d love to have you.” Inside, panic squeezed me so tightly it was hard to breathe.
Why are you being so nice to me? I don’t
deserve it. I’ll never deserve it again.

I forced a wan smile as I squeezed back. “It’s not that I don’t want to go. But you both could use a Skye-free weekend.” I wrapped my arms around my abdomen, trying to stop trembling.

“You al right?” My mom straightened and leaned forward, her smile waning slightly. “You stil seem pale.”

“I’m okay.” I hedged toward the kitchen. “I’m going to eat, okay?”

Mom nodded. “Okay. Have you seen Devin today? He came looking for you yesterday before you’d made it home, and I forgot to tel you.” She looked into Warren’s eyes and smiled. “I got… distracted.”

Oh, God.
I cringed, shaking my head. “No, Mom, I didn’t.” I took another step toward the doorway. “Maybe I’l cal him before I eat.” I turned and tried not to speed my steps, at least until I hit the foot of the stairway and then took the stairs two at a time, rampaging to my room. By the time I closed my bedroom door, the tears flowed, and I doubled over.

Devin knew. That was what ha d brought him here.

Bethany had told him. Perhaps he might have forgiven what I’d already done, but this—this was unforgivable, and I knew it. I drew my knees to my chest and leaned against the doorway.

From the floor, I watched night weave its spel and traced the path of dawn across my bedroom. Every time I’d start to drift off, I’d shake myself awake, preferring reality to the horrible dreams. By late morning, I’d forced myself to shower. Amazingly, I survived on auto-pilot. Of course, what I’d planned to do required me to feel, to talk about, to accept the reality I tried so hard to escape. I shrouded myself in a thick grey sweater and jeans as I headed downstairs. Although I’d expected Mom to be making breakfast, silence filed the empty house. In the kitchen, I spotted a note propped against the fruit bowl.

I quickly picked it up an unfolded a message from Mom.

She and Warren had gone shopping for their trip next weekend.

With trembling hands, I refolded and replaced it, then I grabbed my coat and keys and headed towards Devin’s house. As I stepped outside, I surveyed the sky. Restrained snow puffed out the clouds.

By tonight there would be more. A truck rumbled down the street, sprinkling salt on the snow and ice, turning the snow grey. Winter in Ilinois, gotta love it. The cold forced me to shove my hands deep in my pockets, and my breath came out in wispy funnels that dissipated on ascent.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” I whispered, shaking my head, already knowing what was ahead but unable to stop the train from wrecking.

I have to. Maybe it won’t make any difference, but I
can’t leave it like this.
Approaching Devin's, I remembered al the times he'd helped get me out of the messes I’d gotten into. I clenched my teeth, realizing he had tried one last time, for al the good it had done. He couldn’t save me from myself anymore than I could.

I looked at his car, and I thought of al the times I’d ridden with him, never knowing he’d loved me. How could he believe in me enough to offer himself to me.

Swalowing hard, I forced myself to ring the bel.
Please,
I thought,
Please, God, give me the right words. Don’t let me hurt
anyone else.

On the second ring, Devin’s mother answered. “Skye?”

I nodded, “Yes, Ma’am. I know Devin is stil grounded, but I wondered if I could see him for a few minutes. It’s important, and it won't take long.”

She shrugged. “I don’t see the harm in that. He’s been trying to mend his ways. I’l send him out—unless you want to come in.” She opened the door wider in invitation.