November Rain (8 page)

Joe wanted to move that hand away and massage Elias's cheek. Why hadn't Joe thought to do that before, or anything like it? After all, Elias had washed Joe, cleaned up after him. Joe should have been looking for more ways to love him back.

“Are you skipping work today?”

“No. I'll go in.” Elias stared sadly at the door, like with his gaze he could make things better for his brother. “I don't think Solomon wants me here all day.”

“I can check on him after physical therapy if you want.”

“That's okay. I appreciate you're trying to help, but—”

“I'm going to help.” Joe pulled his phone out of his back pocket to scroll for Wade's number.

“You don't have to.” Elias headed to the door, but Joe caught his hand. There was no one in the hallway, no one to see Joe and Elias together, and yet Elias still cringed.

“Just let me, okay?” Joe wished he could give a sultry smile. But after what happened between him and Elias the night before, he couldn't pull the sex card anymore. “I want to.”

“Why? Because you
owe
me?”

“No. Because I care about you.” Joe had to get things with Elias settled. Right now.

There was a bathroom behind them, and Joe dragged Elias inside before shutting the door. The light turned on immediately, flooding the white walls in even whiter light. Even the air smelled too clean. Joe missed being with Elias in his cozy apartment. More than that, he wondered what Elias's apartment was like…and why it had never occurred to Joe to ask if he could visit.

Elias crossed his arms, standing tall and silent with his chin tipped up.

Joe supposed he deserved that haughty stare. Elias had always treated Joe with so much respect, and Joe hadn't realized that maybe the kid deserved a little back.

“Listen. Shit went wrong last night. I should have talked to you after.” Joe saw the flicker of pain in Elias's eyes. “We shouldn't have even gone there in the first place. You weren't ready—”

Elias stepped out of Joe's hold with a move as graceful as ether. “No. I was fine. I wanted to do that. But what happened after was…” He swallowed, like the words wouldn't come, and Joe knew instinctually Elias didn't want to say anything to hurt Joe's feelings.

“You didn't do anything wrong.” Joe held up a hand in surrender. “I just wanted…” Joe sighed. Maybe he'd wanted to feel like he was worthy of everything Elias gave him. “I should have talked to you after. But I swear, I will try so much harder.”

Elias's lower lip trembled. “I'm not sure I can be your lover right now.”

“A friend for now, okay?”

Elias nodded. Although Joe ached for a kiss, he wouldn't try for one. Not until he'd earned back that right. “I have to go to PT, but I'll call and find an interpreter, okay? And see what Wade says about getting Sara some help. Does she have insurance?”

“Yes. Through Solomon's job.”

“Good.” Joe rubbed Elias's arm. “I'll talk to you later, okay?”

“Okay.” Elias opened the bathroom door and slipped out.

Joe followed behind him.

Unfortunately, Solomon walked out of the hospital room at the same time, his eyebrows drawing together. “Elias?” Solomon looked from Elias to Joe and back again. He seemed more confused than angry.

Since Elias's Adam's apple bobbed like he'd swallowed a cockroach, Joe stepped in. “Elias and I needed to talk in private for a moment.” Joe shoved his free hand in his pocket, adopting his most laid-back posture, the one he used when trying to shut down tantrums before they started. “We saw the case worker, and she needs to reschedule for when she can find an interpreter. I'm sure Elias will fill you in on the details.”

Both Elias and Solomon visibly relaxed, so Joe decided it was best to wrap up the exchange before it got weird. “I'll call my contacts and see if I can track down someone sooner rather than later.” He focused on Elias. “I'll text you when I find something out.”

Elias gave Joe a knowing glance, one that said,
I understand
and
thank you
all in one. Funny that Joe could see all that. In the beginning Elias was such a mystery. Joe couldn't fathom Elias's motives. But now that Joe had Elias figured out, he was as transparent as glass.

“Thank you.” Elias gave him a smile, and he reached out to squeeze Joe's hand.

Joe smiled. The handholding was confusing, but not so much now that he really understood Elias. Sometimes a smile was just a smile and a touch just a show of comfort, or gratitude, or even kindness. Joe wondered why he'd ever rushed for more when Elias had already been giving him everything.

“No problem.”

He nodded a goodbye to Solomon, though Joe didn't feel comfortable enough with Elias's older brother to trade phone numbers. Solomon did thank Joe for coming, which was heartening, and they touched hands before Joe left.

Chapter Fifteen

“So, the case manager hadn't arranged for an interpreter?” Solomon rubbed his face but didn't manage to erase the lines of tension. “Why not?”

Elias shrugged, trying to settle his nerves so he didn't jump out of his skin over his brother catching him with Joe. “She must have misunderstood the message.”

Solomon frowned, looking behind him at the door. Someone was supposed to stay with Sara, in case she tried to kill herself again. Not that there was anything in the room that was sharp or dangerous, but the doctors had insisted.

“I can go in for a while,” Elias said. “I have a few hours before I need to be at work.”

“No. Go home and sleep. I'll stay.”

“Okay.” Elias reached for his brother and pulled him into an embrace. Solomon felt tense under Elias's palms, and Elias couldn't help but think it was because of what happened with Joe.

When Elias drew away, he needed to say something to alleviate his guilt. “You and Sara mean a lot to me.”

If Elias lost the love of his parents, he could accept that they were not meant to be in his life. But Solomon and Sara were part of the little family he'd made for himself. They were all he had. Regardless of what happened with Joe, Elias would be crushed to lose his brother.

“I know.” Solomon's gaze flickered to the floor, as if he couldn't quite meet Elias's gaze. Maybe he knew things he pretended not to. “And we…I mean Sara is very fond of you. I'm not sure what she would have done without you.” He trailed off, his eyes going damp so that he rubbed them with the heel of his hand. “If you weren't living with us, I think Sara would have been in here sooner.”

Elias agreed in his heart, but he didn't want to say so out loud.

“No matter what happens, Sara and I are your family.” Solomon laid a hand on Elias's shoulder, the same way their father had when he would talk to them seriously, as sons. Elias wondered what it meant. That Solomon would accept Elias's relationship with Joe? Or were these pretty words like Elias had heard in their church growing up? About how God loved all his children—except those who didn't keep to narrow definitions of right and wrong.

“Yes. I know.” Elias let out a long breath. In their own way, Solomon and Sara did love him. They cared about him to the breadth and depth of their ability. Elias just wondered if they'd be able to stretch beyond what they'd learned at their parents' knees.

“Go sleep.” Solomon looked at Elias fondly.

“I will.” Elias found he couldn't smile. Elias hoped his brother interpreted his pressed lips as worry over Sara, not what it was—concern that Solomon's love was conditional and all too soon would come to an end.

Joe wasn't sure the reason, but the PT room was empty when Dr. Soren led him inside. The walls were all the brighter without people, and the machines, blocks and exercise balls looked like overgrown playground equipment.

“Slow morning?” Joe tried to chuckle, but his leg was aching already from standing to talk to Elias, and then his walk through two hospitals to get to physical therapy.

“You could say that.” Dr. Soren quirked his mouth in a hint of a smile. “I like to clear the schedule one morning a week so I can work with new patients one-on-one.”

Joe wasn't sure if that made him feel better or not. The room was large enough that Dr. Soren's voice echoed. As much as Joe was glad he wouldn't have an audience watching him, he loathed the idea that when he whimpered, there would be nothing to mask the sound.

“So, let's get started. I'll check your gait first. Did you do the exercises I recommended?”

“No.” With everything that had happened, Joe was amazed he'd actually made it to PT at all. “Didn't have time.”

Dr. Soren raised an eyebrow. “It's been seventeen hours between when you left here and when you came back. I only gave you twenty minutes worth of work to do.”

“Well, some things came up.” That was the understatement of the year. Still, if there was time last night when Joe had sat around the house sulking, the doctor didn't have to hear about it.

“Well, remember to do them later today. I'll ask you again in the morning. If you say no, I'll call your partner and make sure he reminds you at home.”

Joe chewed his lip. “I'm not sure he's gonna be around my place so much anymore.”

Dr. Soren set down his clipboard. “Oh no. I'm sorry to hear that.” He gestured to one of the benches, urging Joe to sit. “Do you think it's permanent?”

“I don't know…” Joe crouched onto the bench. He didn't want it to be permanent. In Joe's heart, he knew he'd win Elias back. But what then? How long would it be before the same problems cropped up that had with Dan?

Not the sleeping around. He could never imagine Elias doing that. But the tense silences and the awkward dinners… Joe would rather be alone than go through that again.

“So, you're going to patch things up?” Dr. Soren slapped his knees with his usual enthusiasm. As if fixing a broken relationship was no more work than doing a few leg extensions.

“I'm going to try.”

Dr. Soren rolled his eyes. “There is no
try
here. That's like saying you're going to try to do the exercises I gave you.”

“Hey.” Joe leaned forward on the bench, wincing when the pain in his leg stopped him from being able to move easily. “You don't know anything about Elias.” Joe wished he could stop laying into the doctor, but his frustration had cropped up so fast it was like a pot boiling over. “And you sure as hell don't know me.”

Joe would have expected the doctor to recoil, but Dr. Soren was made of tougher stuff than that. He simply crossed one leg over the other. “Elias? He's a young man in love. I didn't need to go to medical school to see that. It's written all over his face.”

Joe gritted his teeth.

“And you? Do you think you're the first cop I've ever had in PT?”

“Nah, I'm sure you've had plenty.” Joe hated being just like every other shmuck who came through those doors, but he'd been in the world long enough to drop the notion that he was a special snowflake.

“Yes. More than I can count, and they all have one thing in common.”

“What's that?”

“They all push away anyone who tries to help.”

“Yeah. I get that.” Joe folded to standing. “Let's get this over with.”

Dr. Soren's smile was more than a little teasing, but he followed Joe to the parallel bars. “You know, there's nothing to get over with. Even once you're able to cut down on PT, you'll have to do exercises daily to make sure you keep that leg as strong as the other.”

Joe set his cane aside to grab the bars. Yeah, he was favoring his good leg, but he kept his hips level so as not to show it. “That's real encouraging, Doc.” With a frown, Joe forced himself onto his injured leg. The pain was just as bad as ever. He could balance on it now, but it felt like someone was holding a hot iron to his thigh.

When he got back on his good leg, Joe breathed a sigh of relief. Too bad he was going to have to take another step.

“Is it such a horrible thing to have to do exercises every day for the rest of your life?” Dr. Soren rubbed his chin pensively. “You're in good shape. I'm sure you go to the gym when you're able or do some form of exercise.”

“Yeah.” Joe spoke while getting through his next step. It still hurt like a bitch, but at least being pissed at the doctor took his mind off the pain. “Of course I work out, but that's different.”

“How?” Dispassionately, the doctor took notes on Joe's strides, though Joe was fairly sure the doc was assessing more than Joe's walk. “You exercise to stay fit and to build muscle, so you can be strong and do your job.” He gave Joe a sly glance. “And to look good for your partner.”

Joe's face heated, and he took another labored step. “Fine, I'll do the PT stuff at the gym then. Are you happy?”

“Usually.” Dr. Soren shrugged. “I work pretty hard on being happy.”

That comment struck Joe as odd, so he paused, panting as he struggled to understand. “What do you mean?”

The way Dr. Soren smiled—slow and smug—told Joe he'd asked the right question.

“Well, I exercise daily. I spend time with my wife. I make sure to engage in hobbies and with friends.”

Joe shook his head. “Yeah, some of us don't have time for that kind of shit.”

Dr. Soren took Joe's cane and slammed it into the floor. “You think this is supposed to come easy, don't you? A healthy body, a happy relationship? It's all owed to you somehow?”

“No.” Joe's chest burned worse than his thigh, but for once he didn't want to sit down. Hell, he didn't want his cane back, either. He wanted to get his muscles working again so he could run and jump—and yes, even fuck—the way he wanted. “I don't think life owes me shit.” He said it, though he didn't mean it. At least he'd never meant it until today.

“Well, good. Because it doesn't.” Dr. Soren bent to his grab his slacks at the knee, and he pulled up his pant leg. Underneath, attached to his shoe, was a prosthetic calf.

A nice piece of machinery. Probably high tech and cutting edge. But Joe got the message. Namely, that Joe needed to suck it up and stop his whining, because a hell of a lot of people in this world had it worse than he did.

Joe walked the last few steps of the parallel bars barely feeling the ache because his head was full of ideas. Like how the faster he did what Dr. Soren told him, the sooner he'd be feeling like the guy he wanted to be instead of the guy he feared he was turning into.

“What's next?” Joe caught his breath, and the doc handed him his cane back.

“I've got some balance exercises for you. Then we'll move to weights.” The doc's tone was distant and cool, but after the heat of their argument, Joe appreciated that the doc was backing off.

“Great.” As Joe headed to the next station, he felt like steel was being poured into his spine. He focused on every step, walking correctly and not the way that was easiest.

He'd had enough of taking the simple way out. With his injury and even with Dan, Joe'd let shit happen to him instead of having the balls to fight for what he wanted. Well, that was ending right the fuck now. “Let's do this thing, Doc. I've got work to do after.”