Nobody's Perfect (31 page)

Again, the similarity between Savi and Patti was too close for comfort. Savi faced him. Adam's gaze bore into her and she squirmed in her seat. She knew he wasn't speaking abstractly, but directly to her.

"It takes an extreme level of pressure from the whips to get through the defenses she's built to cope over the years."

He could have been talking about Savi—and probably was. Savi turned away from his intense gaze and watched in silence as several more blows were delivered across Patti's already red butt.

"Patti's coping mechanism of making herself numb has worked for her for a long time, but until Victor and Damián, she hadn't really been living—merely existing."

Savi understood that feeling too well. Her skin usually felt anesthetized, as if she had been injected with Novocain from the top of her head to the soles of her feet. That inability to feel was normal for her now. She'd become accustomed to it. Still, she hated that she couldn't feel the sensation of Mari hugging or kissing her. Savi wanted so desperately to feel her baby's arms around her, but…felt nothing but pressure. Of course, she would go through the motions and return the affection, but had always been left to wonder what it would feel like to—well,
feel
.

Is that what Damián was helping this woman to do?

Savi blinked her eyes to remove the unwelcome sting of unshed tears. She remained riveted to the spectacle across the room, knowing she wouldn't be able to leave until this scene played out. Patti now seemed to be riding some kind of high, moaning, even smiling.

Savi turned to Adam. "If I didn't know better, I'd say she was stoned."

Adam continued to stroke Karla's arm. Savi was mesmerized by the gentle way he touched her, wondering what it would feel like if a man touched her that way. She'd probably run screaming from the room, although Damián had touched her like that. She'd even enjoyed it.

Adam smiled. "Endorphins. She's getting closer now."

Endorphins. Like the ones released when Savi cut her arm all those times so long ago? She still remembered that euphoric feeling.

On the next stroke, Patti let out a cry of anguish and her body sagged against the post. Damián only struck harder the next time. She screamed again. Seconds later, tears began to stream down the woman's face.

"That's my good girl. Let it out." Damián's words made Savi cringe, but she tamped down the emotion.

Thwack! Thwack!

Patti screamed out, "I am not your whore!"

Savi's chest tightened and the walls began closing in on her.

"Let it go, Patticakes. That's my sweet girl." Victor's voice spoke to Patti in firm, soothing tones. She began to babble more about not being someone's whore, certain she wasn't referring to Victor, but some abuser from her past.

"You're
my
slut. Only Sir Victor's slut. No one else's."

Savi couldn't breathe.

"You okay, Savi?"

She turned to find Karla's look of concern aimed at her. Savi nodded automatically, then it occurred to her that Patti was the one in pain, yet Savi was receiving Karla's sympathy. This place was seriously fucked up.

She
was seriously fucked up, because Savi found herself wishing Damián had called
her
his good girl. But she'd hated those words her entire life.

Damián had become silent since he'd spoken them, except for the swish and crack of the cat. Why didn't he stop? Couldn't he see Patti had zoned out? She didn't need any more pain—or whatever they wanted to call it.

No way would Savi ever let anyone abuse her like that.

But she had. Many times. And she'd enjoyed it, too.

Filthy whore. Dirty slut.

Only Patti didn't act as if she were being abused now. Her face was at peace. Bliss-filled. She had the look of a woman who'd surrendered herself totally into the hands of another. And not gentle hands, either. Patti had turned over the decisions about how hard to whip her to Damián; trusting him to give her what she needed, rather than self-medicating and keeping herself numb.

How did what Patti experienced now compare to the rush Savi had gotten from cutting herself? There was no comparison. When Savi had cut herself, she'd remained in control of how long, how deep.

No, she'd only had the
illusion
of control.

Cutting herself with a razor blade, she could have caused serious damage and not realized it until it was too late. Would she have cut herself if Damián hadn't found her last week? No, she'd already laid the blade down, hadn't she? No matter, she'd stopped in time.

But having someone else in charge of delivering the relief she craved would be safer. She remembered what Damián had said soon after finding her on the bathroom floor.

"Would you like to find other ways to get that rush without cutting yourself?"

As she watched the cat slap against Patti's back again, Savi tamped down a momentary jealousy.
Oh dear lord
. Was she a masochist, too? Did she need what Patti was going through in order to feel something again? Had the sadists in her past conditioned her to crave severe pain in order to feel anything, sexual or otherwise?

Victor came over and placed a hand on Damián's shoulder and, without a word, the two of them went to the post. A woman came over from the bar and offered Damián a wet towel and, while Victor stroked Patti's head, Damián pressed the towel against her burning skin. Luke brought over a tube of some kind of ointment and a pair of gloves and Damián began to administer first aid to the stripes he'd placed on her back.

Victor bent down and unstrapped Patti's ankles, while Damián freed her wrists. The gentle way they ministered to her made Savi's eyes burn and she blinked until the discomfort receded. Patti collapsed into Victor's arms and the linebacker of a man carried her to a loveseat where he wrapped her gently in a blanket and softly stroked her arm. Patti's eyes remained closed, tears flowing down her cheeks freely. Her blonde head lay against his brown chest; her face serene. Calm.

"They haven't spoken a word."

Adam said in a low voice, "Victor handles aftercare a lot better than the actual whipping. He knows she's still in catharsis. Talking now would pull her out too soon. She does need to know Victor is there for her, so he'll touch her, but he won't intrude until she's finished processing the emotions she's just released."

Savi continued to watch, mesmerized. This might not be therapy, but for Patti, it certainly was therapeutic. Damián had given her what she needed. This was the first time she'd ever heard about one Dom providing a service for some other Dom's sub. Of course, she'd been a pawn of Lyle's and her father's many times, passed around to service whichever clients were on the agenda. But none of those men had cared about her needs or taken care of her the way Damián and Victor were taking care of Patti. They weren't doing this to meet their own sexual or sadistic needs. It was all about Patti and having her emotional needs met.

After what seemed like an eternity to Savi, Patti's eyelids fluttered open and she looked up at Victor. Something he said brought a smile to her face. When he kissed her, Savi turned away, realizing for the first time she'd been intruding on a private moment.

In an instant, Savi had a flash of clarity.
She
wanted to be the one chained to that post.
She
wanted Damián to use the cat—well, no, maybe just a whip—on her. Like Patti.

She glanced across the room and watched as Damián finished cleaning his whip. He must have taken care of the cat while she was mesmerized with Patti and Victor's decompression—no, aftercare, Adam had called it. Damián applied some kind of lotion to the leather, coiled it, and tucked it into his leather bag. He zipped the bag, picked it up, and then turned toward her. Something knotted in the pit of her stomach.

Damián, I want to
feel
again.

Savi blinked rapidly, but her eyes continued to sting with unshed tears. A look of regret crossed Damián's face. He turned away from her and walked toward the door.

Thank God. What on earth was she thinking? She'd never be able to experience what Patti had tonight. She'd never even be able to get beyond being restrained again, much less take that level of pain.

She was beyond hope. Savi wished she could shed the tears stinging the backs of her eyelids.

"Breathe, Savi. Now." She blinked and found Adam face-to-face with her. "Damián can help you, too."

She shook her head, then wondered how he'd known what she'd been thinking. "No one can help me."

"Bullshit. Trust him."

"I can't trust anyone that much."

"What are you most afraid of?"

Savi drew another deep breath, prepared to give her pat answer that she wasn't afraid of anything. But she was. She couldn't lie to herself any longer. "Too many things to name."

"Name one."

"Restraints. I can't let anyone restrain me."

* * *

Savi had no clue how she'd wound up back in the club again the next morning, soon after dropping Mari off at school.

"Which is your dominant hand, Savi?"

Savi swallowed, looking up at Adam who held a menacing bundle of olive-green rope in his hand. "My right."

"Okay, I'm going to restrain your left hand and arm first. You'll still have use of your right one for a while. You still have some control, if you feel the need for it, until you get used to the restraints—and me."

She could inflict a lot more damage with her feet and legs than with her hands anyway, but couldn't help herself from pointing out the obvious. "Like fighting with one hand tied behind my back?"

Adam grinned. "One hand tied at your side, actually." He tweaked her nose as if she were a kid, similar to what Damián had done last week. "Trust me, little one. You aren't going to need to fight me off. Remember what we talked about? I'm just going to work on decreasing your fear threshold. Starting now. Deep breath."

She forced herself to draw a slow, deep breath. No point trying to deny it. He had to know she was scared to death.

So, why was she even considering letting him do this to her?

Because she needed to get past her fear of being restrained before she'd ever be able to experience what Patti had with Damián last night. Damián had told her once that being restrained actually would make her feel freer. Dear lord, she hoped so.

"Okay, I'm ready." Sweat broke out on her upper lip. Savi steeled herself for the terror to come.

Adam chuckled. "No, you aren't. I think you need reinforcements. Wait here."

Where would she go? Her legs had turned to mush. Maybe she wouldn't be able to protect herself, after all. A knot formed in the pit of her stomach. She watched Adam walk toward the hallway leading to the kitchen, remembering back to Christmas Day when she'd nearly opened the other door to this room, with Mari in tow. Thank God they had kept the doors to the club locked. She didn't blame Karla and Adam for house hunting. This was no place to raise a child. Savi appreciated how carefully they had shielded Mari from the club and its members last night, though.

As she waited, she wondered what kind of reinforcements he had in mind. She really just wanted to get this over with. Before she could work herself into a full-blown panic attack, Adam came back into the great room with Damián and Karla following close behind him. Seeing Damián again caused the knot in her stomach to flip-flop to life. He wore his black leathers and a black Harley Davidson leather vest. No shirt. The tail of the dragon tattoo snaked down his bicep and arm, and she remembered how he'd made the dragon's mouth on his pectoral move when she'd first seen the tat.

Her face grew warm. Damián didn't approach her. Instead, he came to a standstill a few feet away. Surprisingly, she wished he would take her in his arms again. She'd missed him so much.

Now where had
that
impossible wish come from?

He grinned at her, but she sensed he was a bit nervous, too, by the way he clenched and unclenched his jaw. "Dad tells me you might need a little encouragement."

There was no censure in his voice for not letting him be the one to introduce restraints to her. She wasn't sure how much Damián could help, but his presence did relax her a little bit. She trusted Damián to make doubly sure nothing happened that she didn't want to happen. Karla, too.

But was he disappointed that she hadn't asked him to do this? He'd left the club almost immediately after the scene with Patti. In her need to find out whether she could be restrained, Savi had turned last night to Adam and Karla for help, but it had gotten late. She needed to get back upstairs to Mari. Savi had tossed in bed all night, worrying about what she'd agreed to let Adam do.

Karla stepped up to her side and whispered in her ear, "Remember what I told you last night about my first time in rope bondage?" Savi nodded. "Good. Just relax and give into the rope. It's an incredible feeling."

"I feel silly needing so many people to do a simple arm restraint."

Karla stroked her upper arm. "Oh, Savi, for my first time, I had Adam, Marc, Angelina, and Luke all there with me."

Adam's large hand reached out and stroked Karla's expanding tummy. "I was the one who was scared shitless that time. Either you or Angelina roped me into that scene. I still haven’t figured out who the guilty party was."

Karla looked up at Adam and smiled innocently, the love on her face so apparent. Savi's gaze went again to his hand on her belly. Lucky woman. Karla would have Adam by her side when she gave birth. Savi wished… She glanced at Damián.

No. Don't even go there
.

Savi might not have had Mari's father at her birth, but she'd done fine without him. Anita had been an excellent coach. The woman had four kids of her own.

Adam kissed Karla on the lips. With obvious regret, Karla broke off the kiss and turned her attention back to Savi. "Sorry." She blushed. "Where were we? Oh, yeah. Well, I trusted Adam to never do anything to hurt me when I let him tie me up that first time. But we'd known each other for nine years by then." Karla touched Savi's forearm. "You can trust him, too. He's a master at Shibari and a completely honorable man."