No Shadow (Prodigal Sons of Cane) (12 page)

“No. But she
must know.” He shook his head roughly. “I assumed…”

“She doesn’t
know! How can she know if you haven’t said anything? She’s been depressed all
week. And you should have seen her trying not to ask about you—even as her eyes
kept slipping over to the door, as if she was constantly hoping you’d appear.”

“Didn’t she
know I was out of town? She didn’t think I was ignoring her all week, did she?”

“I didn’t tell
her you were out of town. I didn’t know what had happened between you two. I
thought maybe you had…you had let her down. That you’d left on purpose.”

Andrew was
horrified by the idea that Helen might have been hurt, brutally disappointed by
his absence this week. He’d thought about calling her, just to talk, but he
thought that would have been too much when he wasn’t yet certain of his ability
to offer her what she deserved.

“Andrew, why
haven’t you said anything?” Melissa’s eyes and her voice were a plea.

“I can’t,” he
said, a little gruffly. “Not until I’m clear on things…spiritually. It wouldn’t
be fair.”

“But she
doesn’t know how you feel. You think you’ve been obvious, but you don’t know
how hard you are to read. You come across as so cool and reserved. What if she
thinks you were just having fun with her?”

Andrew made a
guttural sound of objection. “She couldn’t possibly think that.”

“Why not? She
doesn’t know you don’t act this way with every other woman.”

He recalled
their conversation, the way he’d opened up to her, the almost tangible bond in
the look they’d shared, the way he’d almost kissed her. “She must have known. I
thought we understood each other.”

“Until you
ignored her for a whole week!”

Wincing
slightly at the reproach in Melissa’s voice, he rubbed his neck again. “I
didn’t ignore her. I was out of town.”

“She doesn’t
know that. And another man asked her out. What did you expect her to do?”

“She’s not
interested in Tom Harrison.”

“You know that
for sure?”

For just a
moment, Andrew’s vision blurred in a surge of intense jealousy. Helen couldn’t
possibly be interested in another man. Not his Helen.

“Please don’t
shut down on me, Andrew. I know you’re angry and upset, but this isn’t the end
of the world. Just talk to her. You can still work this out.”

“Yeah,” he
agreed, forcing back his possessiveness, knowing it was unworthy. “I guess I’ll
have to. I’m not sure what to say though. If I’m not yet ready to give her any
certainties…”

Melissa looked
vastly relieved. “You don’t need to give her certainties. You haven’t even been
on a date yet. Just give her some encouragement. Some reason to keep hoping.”

“I’m not going
to string her along.”

Her mouth
twitched a little, as if she were hiding a giggle. “I don’t think it will take
much longer for you to be ready. And unless you want to lose her by dilly-dallying…”

Andrew
stiffened his shoulders. “I’m not going to lose her.”

The smile
Melissa had been stifling emerged. “Well, you better get busy then.”

“What exactly
do you find so amusing about all of this?” he demanded, his eyes narrowing.

Melissa laughed
for real. “I know you’re genuinely upset and that this is a serious issue. But
you’ve always been so competent and controlled. And I’ve waited so long to see
you fall in love. It’s just…it’s just fun to watch you try to handle it.

Andrew made a
face, although he couldn’t begrudge his sister her enjoyment. He supposed it
must be kind of funny to watch him flounder around with his feelings for Helen,
although at the moment it hurt too much to join in her amusement. “Anyway, what
did you want to do for dinner? I can go out and get something if you want.”

Sobering,
Melissa said, “But you just got back into town. You must be tired.”

“It doesn’t
matter. Better than sitting around here and stewing over…” He trailed off.
Despite the fact that Melissa obviously knew how he felt about Helen, he was
still a little uncomfortable speaking about it so openly. “I need to make a
couple of calls first, but then I can run down to Main Street and pick up some
Chinese. That would be easy enough.”

Melissa’s eyes
were sympathetic, with no trace of amusement at all as she said, “Chinese would
be just fine.”

***

It was just before nine when
Helen and Thomas left the restaurant and walked slowly down Main Street in Cane
toward Thomas’s pickup truck. They were still chatting—now about a new movie
both of them had seen.

Behind her
friendly conversation, Helen was trying to think of a strategy for handling
what might come next. She was ready to go home, so she hoped Thomas didn’t have
anything else planned. The good thing about being in Cane was the limited
possibilities for after-dinner activities. They could go down to the café for
coffee and dessert. Or they could go to the duck pond and feed the ducks. But
that was about it.

Since they’d
had dessert at the restaurant, Helen was hoping Thomas would just take her
home.

“I had a nice
time,” he said, as he clicked his truck unlocked.

“Me too. Thanks
for taking me.”

Thomas looked
at her with his bashful brown eyes and paused next to the passenger-side door.
“Maybe we can do it again sometime.”

Helen swallowed
and tried to remember the kind, graceful speech she’d planned out. She
couldn’t. “I don’t know, Thomas.”

His expression
changed.

“I did have a
good time. And I do like you. But I don’t think I’m ready to start dating anyone…I
mean, dating you…dating more seriously.” Her cheeks burned as she stumbled over
the words.

Thomas’s brow
wrinkled. “I see.”

She didn’t
really think he did see, but she wasn’t sure how to explain it to him without
revealing very private feelings. “Maybe sometime later—after a while—if you’re
still interested, although I’m sure some woman will snap you up pretty quickly.”
She smiled to soften the blow. “But it can’t be me right now.”

Nodding, he
said, “All right. I think I understand.”

She reached out
to touch his forearm gently. “Do you? I hope I didn’t lead you on or anything.”

“Oh, no,”
Thomas said, his smile broadening and looking more natural. “You didn’t. You’ve
been great. I never dreamed you’d go out with me at all—even once. You’re so
pretty and smart. Way out of my league.”

His words
struck such a chord with Helen that her face crumpled briefly. “No way,” she
murmured, squeezing his arm. She remembered Lorraine’s words and finally
understood them. “There’s no such thing as a league anyway. There are just
people. And sometimes things line up for them, and sometimes they don’t.”

Thomas returned
her smile. “Right.”

For a moment,
she felt for him so strongly—understood the kinds of insecurities he might be
dealing with, on top of his grief at the death of his wife—that Helen felt a
surge of affection. Acting on the intuitive kinship, she reached up to give him
a friendly hug.

He returned the
hug immediately, proving the understanding between them was clear.

Squeezing him
gently and smelling the fragrance of laundry detergent on his shirt, Helen knew
she’d done something right.

Then a car door
slamming behind them startled her. She pulled away, looking up at Thomas’s face
sheepishly.

She glanced
over to the car that had just parked on the street, two places behind Thomas’s
truck.

A shiny, black,
very expensive SUV.

Helen’s heart
dropped into her gut as she saw Andrew walking around to the sidewalk. He
didn’t look in their direction at all, and a stranger wouldn’t have noticed
anything but cool composure in his posture.

But Helen saw
that his shoulders and back were painfully stiff, and that his jaw—which she
saw only in profile—was tightly clenched as he walked into the Chinese
restaurant.

He must have
seen them hugging. He couldn’t have missed it, pulling up behind them as he
had.  Maybe he had misunderstood. Maybe he thought the embrace was romantic.

Even though
Andrew was the one who had avoided her for a week, Helen was washed with guilt
and mortification.

She looked back
over at Thomas and, despite her attempts, couldn’t hide the distress in her
face.

Thomas gave her
a little smile. “He’s the reason you can’t date me seriously now, isn’t he?”

“Yeah.” For
just a moment, Helen covered her face with her hands and silently prayed that
God would fix this.

Because she had
no idea what to do.

Helen went to church the
following day, praying that Andrew would attend.

She’d been very
upset when Thomas dropped her off the night before, but she felt a little
better this morning. She hoped to see Andrew at church and talk to him—maybe
straighten out some of the confusion between them.

She would try
to be as honest with him as she could. She hadn’t done anything wrong in going
out with Thomas, but obviously there were things she and Andrew needed to sort out.

To her relief,
she saw him slip into a pew across the sanctuary as the congregation was
singing the first hymn. He was dressed in black pants and a black dress shirt
and looked incredibly attractive and urbane.

He also looked
tired, she thought, even from across the room. She caught him glancing over in
her direction as he picked up the hymnal from the slot on the pew in front of
him.

For some
reason, she felt more hopeful than she had since the hike up the mountain.
Although he hadn’t said anything and hadn’t lost his cool composure, she’d
known he was upset when he saw her hugging Thomas the night before. And this
morning he looked uncomfortable, uncharacteristically uncertain.

Surely he
wouldn’t have reacted that way had he not had some feelings for her.

Had he not been
jealous.

She tried not
to feel excited and pleased about his reaction. He was genuinely troubled, and
they had a lot they needed to work out. But maybe—maybe—there was hope after
all. Maybe she hadn’t been mortifyingly wrong about what she’d sensed was
developing between them.

She tried to
concentrate during the worship service, and she spent a lot of time silently
praying. Then, after her father spoke the benediction, she grabbed her purse,
planning to hurry toward Andrew to catch him before he left.

To her infinite
frustration, Mrs. Beasley—a sweet, eighty-seven-year-old lady—grabbed her arm
to ask about women’s circle this week. Helen was the organizer of the women’s
circles in church, so she was obliged to pause and speak to Mrs. Beasley.

By the time she
had done so, and another woman had stopped her to tell her how pretty she
looked this morning, Andrew was no longer in the sanctuary.

She’d been
hoping—praying—that he’d wanted to talk to her too. Surely they couldn’t keep
avoiding this situation.

But he was
gone.

Tomorrow, she’d
have to go over to the Cane house and make him speak to her. It just would have
been so much easier to do it now.

After making
some more small talk and calling out a greeting to her father, Helen drooped
out to the parking lot, feeling tired and frustrated. Then she stopped short,
staring and momentarily losing her breath.

Parked next to
her car was an SUV import—the contrast between the sleek, expensive lines of
the vehicle almost laughable next to her no-nonsense American sedan.

Leaning against
her car, dressed all in black, his hands in his pocket and an unreadable
expression on his face, Andrew waited for her.

“Hi,” she said
stupidly, when she recovered herself enough to approach.

“Hi.” He didn’t
smile and his gaze was oddly quiet.

“I haven’t seen
you for a while,” she began, searching desperately for something to say. She wore
a slate blue sheath dress and chunky heels that made her feel like Jackie
Kennedy, and she carried her Bible and little purse which she swapped nervously
from hand to hand. Realizing what she’d just said, she blushed and added
lamely, “I mean to talk.”

“I knew what
you meant,” Andrew said. His gray eyes were wary and observant and his strong,
classic features unnaturally stoic. For some reason, she kept noticing the
little creases next to his eyes. He’d had so much stress in his life. She
wished she could somehow soothe those lines away.

“Oh.” She had
no idea what to say or do, so she stepped over and leaned against her car
beside him, looking out on the crowded parking lot and families leaving for
Sunday dinner.

“How was your
date last night?” Andrew asked at last.

Her eyes flew
back to his face, and her shoulders stiffened slightly. “It was fine.”

“It seemed
rather sudden.”

Frowning, she
tried to scan his face for some sign of his mood or intentions. “Not really.
Maybe a little.”

“I hadn’t
realized you were looking in that direction.” The words were bland, but she saw
a tiny muscle fluttering erratically in his left cheek.

“Oh.” She had
no idea what to say, and she was both disturbed and exhilarated by the sudden
flare of feeling in his eyes. Jealousy, maybe.

“Unless you
aren’t interested, and it was just a last-ditch effort to get him to sell the
library the manuscript.”

Helen gave a
pained gasp and widened her eyes—her excitement completely quenched by the
words.

“I’m sorry,” Andrew
said immediately, looking away and his face twisting with obvious guilt. “That
was unworthy. I was just lashing out. I know you wouldn’t have gone out with
Tom just to get the manuscript.”

The sting she’d
felt faded immediately, and she once again felt torn between confusion and
excitement. He’d basically just admitted to lashing out from jealousy. She
couldn’t be deceiving herself. He must feel something for her. “I’m glad,” she
began, swallowing over her dry throat. “I’m glad you know I wouldn’t do that.”

“Why did you go
out with him?”

Now it was her
turn to admit a thing or two. Helen took a deep breath and answered his
diffident question as honestly as she could. “I wanted to…I wanted to see if
there was any potential. To see if I might be able to like him.”

“And did you?”
He swallowed so hard she could see it in his throat.

She didn’t
answer. She didn’t know what to say, and she wasn’t quite ready to open up so
intimately to Andrew—not until he’d softened a little and made some sort of
gesture of his own.

At least he was
talking to her, though.

Andrew nodded,
as if he accepted her unwillingness to answer, and he straightened his head to
look forward toward the emptying parking lot. He lifted his hand to rub the
back of his neck in a characteristic gesture.

She used that
opportunity to study his face and couldn’t help but noticed the dark circles
under his eyes and the lack of color in his face beneath his tan. “You look tired,”
she said softly, something tender in her heart aching for him. She wished she
could massage his neck for him, do something to make him feel better.

He glanced back
over at her. “I’ve been out of town all week. Just got back yesterday evening.”

She felt a kick
of surprise. “You have? I didn’t know that.”

He hesitated
briefly before he asked, “Would it have made a difference?”

Looking down to
hide her expression, she thought about the question. “I…I don’t know. Maybe if
you’d told me…” She didn’t complete the thought.

She knew full
well that if he’d told her he was going out of town, if he’d made it clear he
wasn’t avoiding her on purpose, she probably wouldn’t have gone out with
Thomas.

“I’m sorry I
didn’t tell you. Melissa is always nagging me for being too closed off. I know
she’s right. It’s hard to overcome a lifetime of reserve in a couple of months.
And there’s more to it.” He paused to shape his words carefully, and she
noticed a hint of uncertainty in his expression that gave her a thrilling surge
of hope. “I’ve been trying to get myself straight with God. You know that. And
a lot of things have been put on hold until I do.”

Helen’s lips
parted as she realized what he was telling her. She met his intent gaze and felt
joy and expectation rise in her heart like a wave.

“There are some
things I can’t begin until I know I’m on the right path with God.” There could
be no doubt at all about what the intensity and tenderness in his face meant.
“It doesn’t mean I don’t
want
to begin. I just can’t. Yet.”

Her heart and
spirit fluttering wildly—with an exhilaration she’d never expected to
feel—Helen breathed, “Oh. I didn’t know.”

“I know you
didn’t. Melissa keeps hitting me over the head with that fact. I was wrong to
assume you’d know what was going on with me. I’m sorry about that.”

Helen wanted to
hug herself with pure giddiness and was shocked that she was managing to act
relatively calm and composed. “Thanks,” she began, her voice breaking so that
she had to begin again. “Thanks for telling me.”

Andrew reached
out and brushed her warm cheek with his knuckle. It was the lightest, most
delicate of touches but it felt like it burned Helen’s skin. His expression was
rich, tender, and just a little hesitant. “I don’t expect y—I don’t expect
anyone to wait for me as I figure everything out. Since I can’t make any
promises.”

And Helen suddenly
understood the flicker of nervousness beneath his soft, fond look. However
indirectly he’d had to approach the matter, he’d laid himself out on the line,
made himself vulnerable to her.

It couldn’t
have been easy for someone as guarded as Andrew to do, and she wasn’t about to
betray his trust. She smiled up at him, pretty sure her feelings were shining
through in the smile. “I don’t want to go out with Thomas again. I told him that
last night.” Her heart softened as she saw the flash of relief on Andrew’s
face. “The hug was just a friendly one.”

“Oh. Good.”

They gazed at
each other stupidly for a minute. Then they both started to laugh rather
sheepishly.

“Did you want
to come over for lunch?” Andrew asked at last. “I know Melissa would love to
see you.”

“Sure.” She
started to get out her keys when Andrew put a hand on her wrist to stop her.

He smiled as he
said, “I’ll drive.”

***

Andrew experienced a surge of
thanksgiving and gratitude as he pulled out of the church parking lot with
Helen beside him.

He’d prayed
about the situation for most of the night—fighting off the anger, jealousy and
possessiveness that had overwhelmed him at the sight of Helen embracing Thomas
Harrison in front of the Chinese restaurant. He couldn’t remember anything
hurting so much. Not since his family had fallen apart years ago. But he’d
forced himself not to act in anger.

And God had
answered his prayers. They’d worked things out. He’d admitted as much as he
could to her, and she’d made it clear that the feelings were mutual.

She would wait
for him.

“How was your
trip?” Helen asked, looking up at him with eyes so blue and tender he could
drown in them.

“It was all
right. I had to catch up on some business stuff.”

“When do you
expect to go back home?”

He felt a lurch
in his heart at the thought of leaving her. He
couldn’t
leave her. D.C.
no longer felt like home. Maybe, sometime in the future, he could figure out a
way to…

“Andrew?”

Her soft
prompting brought him back out of his reflections. “I don’t know. My job is
flexible, but I guess I can’t stay away forever.”

“Oh.”

It shouldn’t
thrill him so much that she looked disappointed. She’d worn her hair up again
this morning but familiar wisps of blonde hair had started to fall irresistibly
around her face.

In spite of his
besotted haze, something distracted him as he turned the corner onto his street.
A large group of hikers—maybe eight or ten of them—were tramping down the
middle of the road toward them. The hikers were worn and dirty, like they’d
been camping out for a while.

Cane was along
the Appalachian Trail so hikers often put in an appearance. While this block
wasn’t along the path, the group might have veered off somewhere or gotten
lost. It happened quite a bit. There was nothing noteworthy about seeing ragged
hikers around town.

But the sight
of them, coming from the direction of his house, caused a clench of worry in Andrew’s
chest.

“What’s wrong?”
Helen asked.

He wasn’t even
surprised that she could read his change in mood so easily. “Nothing. It’s
probably nothing. I just hope those hikers weren’t around the house.”

Helen turned to
stare at them, her expression conveying concern. “Oh. I see. But surely, if
Melissa was up in the garret suite, she wouldn’t have seen them or been
bothered by them.”

“Probably not.”
He still frowned though, thinking about Melissa’s mood this morning and
starting to pray she hadn’t seen the hikers, even from an upstairs window.

Helen reached
out and put a hand on his forearm. “Andrew, what is it? Is something wrong with
Melissa?”

“I don’t know.
I hope not. I was a little concerned about her this morning. I was gone all
week, and she never does well when I’m not here. And then I think she was upset
about…she was worried that you…” He trailed off lamely.

“She was
worried that you and I were arguing?”

“Yes,” he
agreed, accepting that safe version of an explanation. “She always starts to
get fidgety when she worries. That’s why I try so hard to keep her from
worrying about me.”

“She loves you.
Of course she’s going to worry about you occasionally.”

“But it just
adds to her stress-level. This morning she was…I don’t know. Jittery and
anxious. I shouldn’t have left her to go to church. But she kept nagging at me
until I agreed to go.” He shot Helen a wry look. “She wanted to make sure we
talked.”

“Well,” Helen
said, looking down at her hands. “She’ll be happy to hear that we did.”

“Yeah.” Andrew
took a deep breath, hoping that Melissa’s state of mind would start to mend
when she saw that he and Helen had settled things between them—at least to a
certain extent. “But I hope she didn’t see those hikers. They would have upset
her.”

When they
reached his house, he pulled into the driveway. And Andrew knew something was
wrong immediately when Trish swung open the front door and stepped out, before
they’d gotten halfway up the walk.