No Shadow (Prodigal Sons of Cane) (9 page)

She gave him a
grave little smile. “I knew you had that conference call and didn’t want to
disturb you.” She sat in a chair across from his desk and eyed him with such
sobriety that he was immediately worried.

“What is it?”
he asked, leaning forward. “Is something wrong?”

“Yes,
something’s wrong. What did you do to upset Helen?”

Andrew sucked
in a breath. “What do you mean?”

“I mean exactly
what I asked. I want to know what you did and why you did it. Helen called me
up just now and said she couldn’t come over for dinner after all.”

His heart and
his head were both now pounding painfully. “She said it was because of me?”

“No. She said
she wasn’t feeling good, but she didn’t sound sick. She sounded upset. Andrew,
what did you do?”

He hated the
idea of Helen’s being hurt or upset, but he couldn’t dwell on that at the
moment. “Why do you assume I’m to blame?”

“Don’t be
evasive with me. I know you too well. What did you do?” Her voice was sharp. It
had been a long time since he’d heard Melissa so vehement.

He let out a
hoarse breath. “I went to talk to the Dean at Cane College about the
manuscript.”

Melissa looked
absolutely horrified. “You went behind her back? How could you?”

“It’s not like
that,” he assured her, his heart clenching at how appalled she was by his
words. “I’m not trying to cheat her. I’m trying to arrange things in everyone’s
best interests.”

“But you’re
leaving her out of it? No wonder she’s upset. She deserves better from you.”

His sister’s
reproof and his own sense of guilt at having inadvertently hurt Helen weighed
him down. Too much. His defenses were too low, which was the only possible
reason for him to say what he did, even in the low mutter. “She deserves better
than me.”

“What?”
Melissa’s voice was almost shrill. “What did you say?”

Andrew realized
his mistake too late. He’d never intended to open this can of worms with his
sister. “Leave it alone, Melissa.”

“I will
not
leave it alone. What did you mean by that?”

He just stared
at her levelly, feeling defeated but not willing to back down in this. He’d
made his decision after that first Sunday he’d gone back to church. He was
spiritually a mess, and Helen deserved a man who had always been strong, always
been faithful, who hadn’t lost his way years ago.

Changing
tactics at his silent resolve, Melissa said, “I know Grandma’s been desperate
for the manuscript, but it’s mostly for sentimental reasons. Just let the
library have the manuscript after all. Grandma will understand. Your happiness
is so much more important.”

Andrew didn’t
bother denying his feelings for Helen since Melissa obviously already knew
about them. “The manuscript’s not the issue. Or, rather, it’s only a side
issue.”

“Then tell me
the main issue. I know there’s something there. It’s obvious you’re attracted
to her.”

“You’re an
adult, Melissa,” he said, keeping his voice low and even. “You know attraction
doesn’t always lead to something deeper.”

“There
is
something deeper.” Her little hands were clenched in fists on her lap. “You
really like her. She makes you happy. I heard you two on Sunday night. Do you
have any idea how long it’s been since I’ve heard you laughing like that?”

Andrew looked
away—affected by the memory of Helen’s radiant face and vibrant laugh as she’d
gazed up at him from that silly rug.

“How can you
just let her go?”

He cleared his
throat. “I’ve only known her just over a month. It’s not like it’s a serious
thing.” He hoped Melissa would believe him or she’d never stop worrying about
him.

And she had so
many other things to worry about.

“Andrew,”
Melissa said, her voice almost a plea. “You can’t possibly think you don’t
deserve her. You’re the most wonderful, loving, generous man I’ve ever known.”

Deeply touched,
Andrew muttered, “You say that because I’m your brother. And because you don’t
know what’s in my heart.”

“But God’s love
covers all of that. Andrew!” Her voice cracked, and there were tears in her
eyes.

Andrew couldn’t
stand that he’d made her cry. He came around the desk and gave her hug.

***

After supper, he drove aimlessly
around town. Despite himself, he ended up on the block of the house he knew
Helen rented.

He sat behind
his wheel and stared at the little bungalow, hoping she wasn’t deeply hurt
about the manuscript.

She didn’t know
the whole story, and Andrew couldn’t bring himself to tell her about it, but he’d
never wanted her to be hurt.

He’d thought
maybe she would be angry—and that would have been just as well. But being hurt
seemed to imply she’d come to trust him.

He wondered if
she had.

He felt the
unbearable need to get out of his car, knock on her door, and make sure she was
all right. To apologize for going to the Dean without letting her know. And
have her smile at him again, forgive him.

He was sure she
would.

But he didn’t
get out. He was stuck. Stuck in everything. He just couldn’t bring himself to
take the next step.

A tap on the
passenger side window sent his heart into his throat. He rolled down the window
to see Pastor Jack peering in with a smile.

Andrew was
mortified. Caught mooning at a girl’s house by her father.

Just a couple
of months ago, he’d thought his life was so comfortable and secure. Coming home
had blown off all the doors of his life.

“Evening,” Jack
said pleasantly. “I was bringing some supper over to Helen. Did you want to
come in?”

Recovering from
his startled embarrassment, Andrew said, “No. Thank you.” Even though going in
was exactly what he wanted to do.

Jack gave him a
kind look that was also infinitely wise. “Just kind of treading water out
here?”

Andrew couldn’t
suppress a dry laugh at how apt the description was. “Yeah.”

“Remember I
offered a hand. I hoped you’d come by to see me a couple of weeks ago. Why
don’t you stop by tomorrow—say around eleven o’clock.”

Put on the
spot, Andrew thought over his schedule. “All right. That would be fine.”

Jack smiled
again and was about to back away when he changed his mind.

Leaning forward
again, he said one more thing. “Don’t think you’re a stranger, Andrew. I knew
you as a boy, remember? You were never easy-going like Geoffrey or wildly
spontaneous like Michael. You always thought things through before you acted.
And sometimes it took you a while to put everything together, since you always
saw more depth and complexity in the world than other boys. But once you made a
decision, I’ve never known anyone—
anyone
—who could make things happen
like you could. Don’t sell yourself short. Just try to be patient. Give
yourself enough time to let God work.”

Then, as if his
words hadn’t just slammed into Andrew’s heart, Jack straightened up. “I’ll see
you tomorrow at eleven. I better get in to Helen now. She’s feeling a little
under the weather today.”

On Saturday morning, Helen sat in
her father’s kitchen and ate cereal glumly. He’d just refilled his coffee mug
and stepped over to top off Helen’s.

“I don’t know
how you can defend him after what he did to me,” she said at last, after having
mulled over her father’s last comment.

He raised his
eyebrows in a familiar skeptical look. “I realize you were hurt. All I said was
that you don’t yet know the whole story.”

“What else is
there of the story? He went to the Dean behind my back and blew the library’s
chances of getting the manuscript. If the library can’t raise its offer, Thomas
will never sell it to us. What else about the story do I need to know?”

“You don’t know
his discussion with the Dean. You don’t know his motives for going to the Dean.
You don’t know how he’s feeling about it now.”

Helen made a
face. “Am I supposed to believe he’s wracked with guilt?” She thought about
that for a moment and, despite herself, felt an irrepressible flare of hope.
“Do you think he feels bad about it? Did he seem guilty when you talked to him
on Wednesday?”

“Helen.” The
one word was a warning and a reproach both.

She let out a
frustrated sound and swallowed down a large sip of her coffee. “Sorry. I know.
You can’t talk about your sessions.”

“Andrew Cane is
a complicated man. And I think you might try to look past your hurt feelings to
see what’s really going on.”

Helen
instinctively understood the truth in her father’s words, but she wasn’t sure
she could take the advice. Every time she thought about what Andrew had done,
she felt too hurt and betrayed to dwell on it anymore. Rational or not, her
feelings were too raw to set aside in order to think things through logically.

But she also didn’t
want to disappoint her father. “I know he’s struggling with his faith,” she
said last, her voice a little thready. “Not whether or not he believes but
whether or not he can claim the commitment. But I don’t know what that could
possibly have to do with the manuscript.”

“It might not
have anything to do with it.”

Taking another
deep breath, she continued, “And I know he’s at the edge of his rope with his
sister. I mean, worrying about her and trying so hard to take care of her. But
that doesn’t have to do with the manuscript either.”

“It might not.
Go on.”

“Go on to what?
I don’t know how he feels about everything else.”

“Don’t you? How
do you think he feels about you?”

“Dad!”

Her father’s expression
didn’t change. He just eyed her levelly and said, “Helen, you’re not a little girl
anymore. Tell me.”

Women were
supposed to mature as they got older and not feel all bewildered and aflutter
about men, but Helen still felt like a girl a lot of the time.

She wondered if
everyone did.

In movies and
television, worldly women acted cool and blasé about relationships, but every
woman Helen knew still got in a tizzy about a budding relationship—no matter
her age or maturity level.

She tried to take
some comfort in that. Maybe her tumultuous feelings weren’t just because she
was so inexperienced with men.

Her dad was
trying to help, and he was so much wiser than she was. So she forced down the
embarrassment. “I don’t know exactly. We didn’t like each other at first, but I
thought we were becoming friends.”’

“And you think
that has changed?”

“Of course, it
has changed,” she snapped. “Look what he did.”

“Again, you’re
assuming you know exactly what happened and why it happened. Why would he have
asked you to go on the hike today if he wasn’t still your friend?”

“He asked for
his sister. Melissa wanted to go and wanted me to go with them. He would do
anything to make her happy, even hang out with someone he despises.”

He got up and
put his empty coffee cup in the sink and then picked up Helen’s empty cereal
bowl. “You think he despises you?”

“No,” she
admitted, letting out a thick sigh. It would almost be nice to think he
despised her—at least those were strong, real feelings. “I think I’m irrelevant
to him.”

“Why do you
think that?”

“Do we have to
have this whole inquisition this morning?” she complained, rubbing her fingertips
over the back of her scalp. She’d braided her hair into two long braids in
preparation for the hike, but now it felt like the braids were pulling on a few
hairs with nagging prickles of pain.

“You’re the one
who came over to talk. Now tell me why you think you’re irrelevant to him.”

“Because that’s
how he acted. I thought maybe he was starting to like me a little, but then he
put the manuscript before me.”

“You’re
assuming—“

“Don’t tell me
I’m assuming I know the whole story. I know enough.”

“What do you
know?”

Helen stared
down that the kitchen table, where she’d spilled a dribble of milk from her
bowl.

“Helen?”

She didn’t
answer. Just pictured Andrew’s face and felt a familiar wave of helplessness.

“Tell me.” His
voice cracked out like a whip. “Why do you think you’re irrelevant?”

Her eyes flew
up to his face. She knew her father well enough to predict the final
destination of his sharp series of questions. “You can’t think…You aren’t
suggesting that he…that he could possibly…” She trailed off weakly, unable to
even shape the words. “Don’t even imagine such a thing,”

Her father’s
face changed. “Helen, I think you’re the prettiest, smartest, sweetest, most
wonderful woman alive. I can’t imagine why every man in the world isn’t in love
with you. Why
shouldn’t
I imagine such a thing?”

A surge of
emotion rose up into her throat and her eyes. She wrapped her arms around her
middle and squeezed herself, as if she could hold it at bay. “Oh, Dad.”

For the first
time, his voice broke as he spoke. “I know I get annoying and pushy. It’s the
only way I know to help. I’m sorry your mom isn’t here to help you sort all
this out.”

Helen started
to shake. It had been three years, but sometimes she still missed her mother so
much she thought the pain would eat her alive. When her father pulled her into
a tight hug, she shook against him for a minute, trying to control the tight
sobs.

When she felt
strong enough to draw back, she smiled up at her dad. “Thanks.”

He looked a
little unsteady too, and his voice was gruff as he said, “You better get going
or you’ll be late. But think about what I said. And never think that you’re
irrelevant. You’re still trying to hide in the shadows.”

“No, I’m not,”
she assured him, rubbing at her eyes. “I’m not nearly as shy and insecure as I
used to be.”

“I know that.
But you still don’t believe any man could fall in love with you.”

She shook
herself off as she grabbed a sponge to wipe the dribble of milk off the table.
Then she gave her dad a wry smile. “That’s just because no one ever has.”

***

After Helen had gone to the
bathroom to check her face and smooth down her braids, she left her dad’s house
and walked the few blocks down to the Cane’s.

She’d been
tempted to turn down the invitation to go hiking with Andrew and Melissa this
morning. She didn’t really want to be around Andrew—afraid of how she would
react to either his cool regard or his attempts to pretend nothing had
happened.

But she
genuinely liked Melissa, and it seemed too heartless to abandon her now. The
girl didn’t have any real friends, and Helen wasn’t going to let her down.

So she forced
down her nerves and her lingering hurt feelings and summoned a smile as she
rang the doorbell.

Andrew answered
the door, wearing a gray t-shirt and the same jeans he’d worn in the Harrison attic.
“Hi,” he said, his deep eyes scanning her face oddly. Almost as if he were
searching for something in her expression.

She made
herself hold her initial smile. “Hi. It’s a great day for a hike. Not too cold.”

“Good.” He just
stood there and looked at her. Didn’t even step out of the way to let her
enter.

Helen managed
not to squirm, although she felt horribly self-conscious. She wondered if she
looked too silly in the braids. It was the easiest hairstyle for a hike, since her
hair always slipped out of a ponytail, but maybe she looked too young and
girlish.

Finally, when
she couldn’t stand anymore more of Andrew’s intent, searching look, she asked,
“I was surprised Melissa wanted to go on a hike.”

“Me too,” he
admitted, stepping back and gesturing her in at last. “We’re just going up the
mountain here. It’s all on our property so we won’t run into any strangers. But
still, I think it’s a big step.”

They found
Melissa in the sunroom at the back of the house. She was dressed for hiking in
jeans, sneakers, and a flannel shirt worn open over a t-shirt, but she was
curled up on the low sofa, her legs were pulled up to her chest, and her eyes
were big and anxious.

“I told you she
wouldn’t be late,” Andrew told his sister in a friendly voice.

Helen cut her
eyes over to him in surprise, feeling odd that he’d evidently been talking
about her, even on such an innocuous topic.

“Hi,” Melissa
said, her voice slightly shaky. “I like your shirt.”

Helen glanced
down at herself. She was wearing her favorite jeans, worn enough to be soft and
comfortable, and a long sleeve white shirt under a pink retro t-shirt with a
picture of Queen Victoria on it. “Thanks,” she said, giving Melissa a smile.
“Thanks for asking me to go.”

Melissa nodded
and looked nervously from Andrew to Helen.

“Are you ready
to go?” he asked gently.

Melissa nodded.
But then she pulled her legs closer to her chest.

Helen and Andrew
stood patiently for a minute, waiting for Melissa to get up.

Finally, she
said, her face twisting slightly. “I’m sorry. I don’t think I can go. I thought
I could, but now…” She trailed off, her expression almost wrenching.

“It’s fine,” Andrew
assured her, coming over to put a soothing hand on her shoulder. “Don’t feel
guilty if it’s too much.”

“I think it
is,” she whispered. “But I feel bad because we were all planning to go.”

“It’s no
problem,” Helen said cheerfully, feeling almost relieved that she wouldn’t have
to spend so much time with Andrew. “We can just hang out here if you want.”

“Oh no!”
Melissa straightened up and stared at them anxiously. “You guys should still
go. I would feel terrible if I messed up your whole day with my silliness.”

“No, no—"
Helen began, feeling prickles of worry at the back of her neck.

“We’re not
going to leave you behind,” Andrew said at the same time.

“Please go,”
Melissa begged, obviously at the edge of her control. “I’ll feel miserable if
you don’t. Please.”

Helen’s belly
twisted, knowing she was about to be trapped. There was no way to get out of this
without hurting Melissa and directly rebuffing Andrew.

His face looked
wary and guarded as he said slowly, “It’s up to Helen. If she doesn’t want to
go, we can hardly pressure her into it.”

“But she wanted
to go! That’s why she’s here. Didn’t you want to go?”

The room
blurred momentarily in front of Helen’s eyes, but there was no way for her to
back out now. “Yeah. I guess. I guess we can go without you, if it’s that
important.”

“Oh, thank you!
I won’t feel like such a baby if you guys at least can still go.”

Helen tried not
to dwell on taking a long hike alone with Andrew. They talked for a few minutes,
and Melissa made Andrew promise to take Helen up to the waterfall on the top of
the mountain. Then Andrew picked up the loaded backpack from the floor.

“Ready?” he
asked Helen, his expression set and unreadable.

“Yeah.”

Since the house
was built at the foot of the mountain they were going to climb, all they had to
do was walked through the yard and along the edge of the woods until they got
to a trail.

“I’ve hiked up
here hundreds of times,” Andrew said casually, as they started into the shade
of the woods. “It’s about an hour up to the top.”

“That should be
fine.” Helen was in pretty good shape, so the hike itself didn’t worry her. But
more than two hours alone with Andrew was enough to make her hands shake in
anxiety.

What on earth
would they talk about?”

“Sorry Melissa
had to back out,” he said after a minute. He was walking in front of her on the
narrow trail, but he glanced over his shoulder as he spoke. “I thought it might
be too good to be true.”

“Yeah. At least
she wanted to, though. That’s probably a good sign.” She tried to look at the
trees around them so she wouldn’t have to focus on Andrew’s broad shoulders and
strong back in his thin t-shirt. “You didn’t have to take me up, you know, once
Melissa changed her mind.”

“It’s fine. It’s
a good day for a hike. And Melissa wasn’t going to give up once she got it into
her mind that we should go alone.”

A nagging
question played in Helen’s mind at his words. She batted it around until she
could no longer contain it. “You don’t think she…she planned this whole thing,
do you?” Her cheeks reddened after she spoke the words and hoped he would think
it was from the walk.

Looking back at
her again with an odd expression in his eyes, he replied, “I was wondering. I
don’t think she would have plotted this whole thing out from the beginning. But
once she realized she couldn’t go, I wouldn’t put it past her to use that
opportunity to get us to…” he trailed off, as if he couldn’t find the right
words.

Helen knew
exactly what he meant. “She can’t possibly think that you and I…”

Andrew was
looking forward toward the trail in front of him as he said, “There’s no
telling what she’s thinking.”