Never Satisfied: Do Men Know What They Want? (35 page)

Before she hung up, I could hear the Bob Marley song playing in my head, “I shot the sheriff.” April was on cloud nine and I couldn’t have been happier for her. She deserved all the love and attention she could get. Too bad Monica didn’t wake up before she got burned. Anyway, there was still one final message to retrieve, one that would test my self-respect and my resolve.

(Beep) “Denise this is Kevin. I just called to tell you I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been right lately, but I miss you baby. Give me a call so we can work things out. I’ll be waiting; I love you.”

Boy I hated it when he did that. Every time we broke up, he tried to sweet talk me into forgiving in. And like a fool, I fell for it each and every time. I told myself over and over again. “Not this time Denise. Don’t let your heart sell out your brain.” I didn’t know what to do. Should I call? I contemplated. Or should I just let things fade? I decided to think it over for another day. Besides, Monica had provided me with enough drama for one day. When I called her later that evening, she had already confronted Raymond about the STD and accepted his apology for slipping up, as he put it. There was no point in wasting my time dogging him. Her nose was wide open and he could do no wrong. After giving her two cents worth of advice, I turned my attention to how I was going to respond to Kevin’s apology.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I decided not to bother calling Kevin. I figured I’d leave him hanging the way he had done me on so many occasions. With that settled, I went about my routine of working out and relaxing. I felt like a new woman. My mind was at peace and my confidence level was high. All I needed was someone to talk to, not Monica or April either. I needed to hear a man’s voice. Yes, Lawrence was definitely on my mind, but I wasn’t ready to get deep in another relationship so soon. He made it perfectly clear he wanted more than a friendship. As he put it, “I’m not interested in being some woman’s girlfriend with a penis. Either you’re sexually attracted to me or you aren’t.” At the time I was offended, and a bit disappointed with his attitude. I assumed he only wanted to sleep around with every woman he met, but I was wrong. What he was trying to get across was, “My time is valuable and I prefer to spend it with a woman who is interested in having an intimate relationship with me. At the very least, I should have respected his honesty, which I do now.

By nightfall, I was curled up on my leather sofa listening to V-103 on the radio. The dusties were sounding great and a cool breeze was blowing through the patio window. I was feeling so good that I decided to break out my six month old bottle of wine and get drunk while re-reading Terry McMillan’s, “Waiting to Exhale.” And just when I was getting to the good part where Bernardino sets her husband’s BMW on fire, the phone rang. Without thinking, I instinctively picked it up. What a mistake that turned out to be; it was Kevin.

“What’s up baby, why didn’t you return my call?” he said trying to sound hard.

“I’ve been busy,” I replied with an attitude.

“Well, can we talk?”

“I don’t have anything to say. You’re the one who dumped me, remember?”

“Yeah, I know, and I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry, alright, sorry and tired. I’m sick of being on this emotional rollercoaster!”

“Don’t be like that, baby; you know how much I care about you.”

“If this is how you treat someone you care about, I can do without it. And stop calling me baby; I’m a grown woman, and it’s about time you found that out.”

At that moment an old song by the Jones Girls came on the radio, “You Gonna Make Me love Somebody Else.” I stopped listening to Kevin’s begging, sat the phone on my lap, and tuned into the song. The opening lyrics said it all.

You gonna make me love somebody else, if you keep on treating me the way you do
.

I aint’ did nothin’ to you. I just love you with my heart, heart and soul

Every time I need some lovin’, why do you turn cold, turn cold?

Now, I ain’t dumb and I ain’t stupid, I know you need love like I do
.

Cause if you ain’t lovin’ me, I wanna know who in the world you lovin’? Tell me if you don’t want me around
.

Amen to that! I shouted, “These sisters must have made that song especially for me.” When I picked up the phone, Kevin was still begging and going on about how much he loved me.

“Denise, you know I love you baby. Nobody will ever love you the way I do,” he boasted. “Don’t you still love me?”

I paused, took a deep breath, and thought about all of the hell he put me through over the years. And in a calm and convincing tone I responded.

“You must have the wrong number; love don’t live here anymore,” and hung up.

I
n the game of cheating there are no happy endings, only rude awakenings and hard lessons, lessons that I hope men and women will apply to their own relationships to help build them up and not break them down. It took me over forty years of making mistakes and taking women throughout hell before I finally understood how much damage lying and cheating can do. The baggage our women carry in their suitcases is often put there by us. We criticize them for being dramatic and defensive without realizing that we are writing the script. It’s funny when I think about it. Not once in my entire life have I ever heard a single man say to me, “Michael, always be honest with women; it will make your life so much easier.” Like most young men growing up, honesty was never an option for me. Lying has become second nature to most men. We never consider that a woman will be okay with dating us even if we’re involved with other women. We take away their choice when we start out the relationship with a lie. And even if she turns you down, at least you have her respect. What’s bigger than that?

Honesty also has its price. If men are going to exercise their option to see other women then they have to be prepared to accept that women may want to exercise that same option to date and have sex with other men. This is where things get complicated for most men. While they point fingers at women for being possessive and insecure, they are the ones who really have the problem. You see, men are more possessive and more insecure than women, at least when it comes to sex and sharing. Until men are mature and secure enough to take in what they dish out, we will repeat this vicious cycle over and over again. Freedom for one must mean freedom for all. If you can’t stand the heat, then get out of the kitchen fellahs. It’s time for us to man up and be honest about who we are and give women the choice to share or not to share.

But in all fairness, women must also be open for the truth. I was recently at a film festival in Miami. I asked all the single ladies to stand up. There were approximately three hundred in the theatre. I instructed them to sit down if my qualifications for a partner were not compatible with theirs. My first requirement was that they not want more children or to be married. About two hundred of them immediately sat down. Then I said they must be sexually adventurous. Another fifty took their seat. Then I told them I needed a woman who accepts that I could not promise to be monogamous. As you might expect, there were only four women left standing. Three of them were over forty and the other young lady appeared to be in her mid thirties. So, out of three hundred women, it only took four different criteria to eliminate ninety-eight percent of the single women in the room. No kids, no marriage, sexually adventurous, and no monogamy. But the real lesson was yet to be taught. Moments later a gentleman stood up and shouted, “I want to be married and I’m monogamous!” The theatre erupted in cheers. After the applause died down, I asked the women, “Why didn’t you cheer when I was being honest about what I wanted?” A woman sternly said, “Because women want honesty until you tell them something they don’t want to hear!”

I’ve been echoing this point throughout the book because it is crucial in moving our relationships forward. Until women are cheering just as loudly for the single man who admits he doesn’t want kids, marriage, or monogamy, the cheating man will continue to tell the love-starved woman the things that make her cheer, trust, and eventually open themselves up to be hurt. Honesty can be a difficult thing for a man who doesn’t have a lot of options. But it can be made more difficult by women who say they want it and then only celebrate it when he’s singing their song. Honesty is honesty, and women have to be prepared to embrace it even when it’s not what they want to hear.

Lastly, to all the young men out there who’ve been listening to all this nonsense about being a player, pimp, or ladies man, it’s all a bunch of garbage. Real men are honest with women. From day one they tell them, “This is who I am. This is what I want. And this is who I am seeing.” At that point, the woman can chose to get involved or just remain friends! Either way, there’s no loss of respect and nobody gets hurt. If the relationship doesn’t work out, your conscience is clear! That’s how a real man operates! Don’t let anybody tell you different! Practice being honest for the next fifteen or twenty years, and I promise it will get you much further with a lot less drama! Because the truth is the best game in the world!

ABOUT
MICHAEL BAISDEN

M
ichael Baisden is undeniably one of the most influential and engaging personalities in radio history. His meteoric rise to #1 is redefining radio with the numbers to back it up. The show is syndicated by Cumulus Media and is heard in over 78 markets nationwide with over 8 million loyal listeners daily. His career began when he took a leap of faith to leave his job driving trains in Chicago to self-publish his book, and began touring the country selling books out of the trunk of his car. Through the power of his sheer determination Michael carved a unique niche as a speaker, radio personality, and social activist. He is always in the lead when it comes to helping those who don’t have a voice. “I’m not one for just talking, either do something or get out of the way!”

Baisden, who now has four best selling books to his credit, has hosted two national television shows, and has recently produced three feature films.

Baisden Communications:
His radio career began in 2003 when 98.7 KISS FM in New York City offered him a position as the afternoon drive-time host. Because of budget constraints the station was unable to offer him a salary. Michael’s response was, “Just give me the mic!” And sure enough, within six months, their afternoon drive ratings went from number 9 to number 1.

After eight months of consistent high ratings, Michael suggested taking his show national, but management was apprehensive, suggesting that New York wasn’t ready. A few months later, Michael threatened to quit if management did not pursue a syndication deal. “There was no doubt in my mind that I could have one of the hottest shows on radio! I knew the impact it would have on people all across the country and I wasn’t taking no, for an answer,” Michael rebutted.

Since his radio show debuted nationally in 2005, Michael has captured the hearts and minds of millions of Americans with his provocative mix of relationship talk, hot topics, politics and the best of old school with today’s R&B. When it comes to entertaining, enlightening and educating, no one in talk radio compares. His high energy and love for interacting with his listeners is just one reason for the popularity and success of The Michael Baisden Show. Michael ignites heated discussions with explosive episodic themes like: Infidelity In The Church, Deadbeat Parents, Talking To Your Children About Sex, and Do Women Know What They Want?

Baisden Publishing:
According to Simon & Schuster, Michael Baisden is “probably the most successful self-published African American male author out there today.” With nearly 2 million books in print both hard and soft cover, his books blend the perfect combination of entertainment, humor, provocation and sexuality. Michael’s vibrant personality on and off the air has made him a people magnet.

He began attracting attention with primarily female followers as author and publisher of the highly successful best selling books:
Never Satisfied: How and Why Men Cheat, Men Cry in the Dark, The Maintenance Man, God’s Gift to Women
and most recently a hot new book
Never Satisfied: Do Men Know What They Want?
Two of his titles ultimately were adapted into stage plays playing to sold out crowds across the US.