Never Me (18 page)

I heard his curse as he cupped my ass, lifting it further for better access and I moaned his name as I came. He continued his assault as I shook with the weight of the strongest orgasm I had ever had, looking deep into his eyes. The look was like no other I had ever seen and I instantly moaned at its arrival. He wasn’t finished with me. Not even close.

“Did you feel that, Nadine?” he said, lifting me onto my feet, turning me around and bracing my hands over the shaky stand. He entered me again and brought his fingers around to my sex, circling me, and I came again instantly. He grabbed my ass with both of his hands, squeezing painfully as he filled me over and over, making me call out to him. He held onto my waist with one hand and cupped his other hand over my mouth, sticking his fingers in. I bit and licked them with my tongue.

“I’m just another one, Nadine, remember that. I mean nothing.”

I couldn’t help the hurt I felt at that very moment. I felt my eyes swell and heard him exhale and moan with his release. I took huge breaths as I looked around making sure we went unnoticed. We were completely alone. I was more frightened of the way I felt than I was of the dark alley in one of the most dangerous cities in the U.S.

I turned around to face him and saw the hurt on his face. I gave him a slow smile in retaliation for the hurt that was making its way from my chest to my throat. Tears threatened, but I refused to let them show.

“I thought I explained I only have a man … once.” It was if I had slapped him without touching him. I was instantly sorry I said it.

I slid my skirt down and did the best I could to fix my top, but it was pointless. He walked me back to the hotel without saying a word. Our spell was broken. The whore had ruined it all.

He whispered goodnight to me at the hotel entrance and kissed my forehead as he turned to walk back to the club. I quickly made my way to the elevator, covering my chest. By the time I reached my room I was sobbing. God, I deserved this, but I would be damned if I wanted it served to me by Spencer. I scrubbed every bit of makeup off of my face and let the hot water run over me in the shower. I got into bed and ordered a ton of room service. I watched the clock, unable to drift off, but pretended to sleep as I heard the door open. I heard a sigh and knew it was Rory. I breathed a sigh of relief and sat up quickly.

“I forgot my key to the other room,” she said, her cheery voice deflated. “I didn’t think anyone would be here. It’s only two.”

Rory kicked off her shoes and climbed into bed beside me, grabbing some fries off of one of the plates.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” she said, surveying the mess of plates on the bed. I gathered them all and placed them on a table, reeling on her in anger.

“Thanks for the amazing advice, Rory. It went well.” My anger was misplaced. I was wrong and I knew it, but I didn’t care. I gathered the sheets on the opposite bed and pulled them over my head as I laid down again, my back to her.

“What the hell did I do?”

“Nothing, just let me sleep,” I mumbled. The light next to me clicked on and I felt the covers being ripped from me.

“Oh, hell no. You aren’t pinning this one on me, Nadine. Just what the hell happened?”

“Nothing, okay. Just … it doesn’t matter.”

“Oh, yes it does. Talk. You aren’t sleeping until you do.”

I turned on her and grabbed the sheet back. “I am not cut out for this game, okay.”

“No, it’s not okay. Tell me.”

I sat up rubbing my eyes and glared at her. “What do you think happened? I screwed it up. He hates me. I showed my true colors and he didn’t like them much. It’s okay, though. He got off.”

“Jesus, Nadine. Why do you do this to yourself? Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“So you brought out the best in him?”

“No, this is the first time I’ve ever brought out the worst.” Though my body disagreed.

“Because he cares about you, Nadine.” Rory sat next to me, now bringing me down with her on the bed. Her next words were in a whisper. “You know he wanted a little more from you than your body, Nadine. He made it clear by waiting as long as he did.”

“I don’t know how to give him anything.”

“Just let go.”

“I think it’s too late.”

“No, Nadine, it’s not.”

I grabbed her hand and apologized. She squeezed it and let go.

“You are my family, always will be. I love you, Nadine, but I can’t always be the only real person in your life.”

“I know,” I said, not trusting myself to say more.

“How about you order me some fresh stuff to eat and I grab a shower and we watch old flicks until we pass out?”

“Sounds good to me,” I said, instantly feeling better. I watched her rip off her cat suit as if it disgusted her. “Hey, wasn’t someone else supposed to be doing that tonight?”

“Oh, yeah, that. Total nightmare. Total disaster!” She raised her hands to me in exasperation.

“What?” I couldn’t help but chuckle at her dramatic flair. She had her cat suit around her ankles and kicked it off, muffling the beginning of her next sentence while she put on a t-shirt. “So we get to this ‘locals spot’ which only ends up being a shithole that serves cheap beer. I’m assuming now that is all he could afford, and I overlooked it as the drinks went down. We get hot and heavy and I liked him, he was actually pretty damn funny. We went back to his place and…” she lowered her head in shame. I chuckled again waiting for what I was sure was an epic tale.

“Nothing, the man had nothing. After a good half hour of making out I reached into his pants and there was nothing there.” She lifted her thumb and pointer to me in an attempt to make an inch and lowered it until they were touching.

“He couldn’t choke a Cheerio.” I fell off the bed laughing as she cursed me to shut up.

“It was an infant penis.” She joined me on the floor as we laughed until tears streamed down our faces. “I didn’t even have to make an excuse. He knew. Poor guy. I ran out of there so fast. I felt terrible for him. I can’t even imagine how he survives.” She shook her head as she eyed me still hysterical and headed for the shower.

I ordered two more platters of junk and we kept each other laughing until we heard the door again. Ellie walked in inebriated and begging for food. She crawled in bed with us and we laughed at her tale about Gage who hadn’t been honest about his girlfriend. Apparently she had no problem publicly humiliating him either and tried to take Ellie down. Ellie barely escaped with all her hair.

“Spencer took her off of me just in time,” she said under her breath. She looked at me and I simply shook my head no as if to tell her to leave the subject alone. We lay in bed laughing about our nightmarish attempts with the opposite sex until sleep took us. It was definitely a night to remember.

The girls and I walked downstairs the next day and waited on Amy for a small girls only shopping trip. It was the only way I would agree to go. Spencer never came back to the room last night and I assumed he stayed with Amy and Jack or the empty hotel room. I couldn’t afford to care. I didn’t want to see him, to face him. I wanted Spencer to know nothing of my feelings for him, though I ached to look into his eyes, to see his smile. I ached for his conversation and his friendship. Of course I ached for the part of him that I still felt so deep inside of me. He was an amazing lover. I wanted more. I needed more. I was sure he hated me. I wasn’t so sure by the way he treated me after our little tiff, I didn’t feel the same. Hating him felt much better.

“Ready?” Rory chirped, happily downing chocolate milk.

“Sure,” I said, bracing myself. The last thing I wanted to do was shop. I wanted to hole up in the hotel room and repeat last night. We started walking toward the shops at the lower end of the street and I felt Ellie’s eyes on me.

“You guys go ahead. I need to talk to Nadine.” She stopped me a few feet from the entrance of the hotel. Amy and Rory walked ahead never asking why, but I knew Ellie saw the emotion in my face. Damn it.

“Don’t worry. I know how hard it is for you to talk about things that hurt you. I just want you to know Spencer looked destroyed last night at the bar.”

“Fuck Spencer,” I said in an unforgiving tone. Just as I said it, I turned to see him approaching. He stopped in mid-step when he heard my decree and caught my gaze. Well done, Nadine. Great job.

I saw his face contort and then calm washed over him. His smile was menacing.

“Yeah, game over, right?”

I felt my chest explode into a thousand pieces as I looked to Ellie for help.

“That’s disgusting, Spencer,” she snapped, grabbing my hand to walk away. As we walked past I turned my head to keep my eyes on his.

“It was her game.” He smiled at Ellie, not quite meeting my eyes.

“He’s right,” I said, my eyes filling with rage. “Game over.”

“Sup, Jack,” he said unaffected, walking past us to join him on the hotel steps.

“Nadine, hold on. Just hold on.” She grabbed my arm and pulled me through the closest restaurant and into the restroom. As soon as we were inside I burst into tears. I felt the sobs come in waves and let go of them one by one.

“He’s just a guy I met a few days ago,” I said, trying desperately to straighten myself out and failing at every attempt.

“You are a woman, Nadine. You care for him. You really like him and it seemed that way for him, too.”

“I am an idiot for thinking this was anything more to him than a game.”

“I don’t think it is, Nadine. I may be wrong, but I’m almost positive he cares for you.”

“It’s over,” I said, dabbing my eyes. “I act like a whore, I get treated like one.”

“Tell me what happened.” I gave her the story without too many details and waited on her to comment. I was completely vulnerable and to another woman, no less. I felt my anger grow at my lack of control.

“At least you admit you had some fault in this. He’s an asshole” She wrinkled her nose as if she smelled something bad. “Hey, let’s go get ridiculously drunk and eat fattening food and be total slobs.”

“Ellie, you are the best.” I hugged her. I actually freaking hugged her. My emotions were surfacing daily now. It was as if all that I had kept hidden was coming to the surface.

As if she knew what I was thinking she said, “We aren’t all out to get you or take what you have to offer.”

“I know. Really, Ellie, I’m beginning to realize the truth that really exists and the one I have made up in my head. I started this … shit, all of it. I have to figure out a way to end it on my terms.”

I had spent so much energy avoiding people, avoiding relationships, avoiding life. It was becoming clear to me that my declaration of war on each sex for various reasons was pointless. Along with the bad, came the good. There was no stopping the fact that bad people just existed. I had let them win, shut myself off, kept all people out in the hopes of escaping the cruelty of pure human nature. I was a coward, and what I was missing out on far outweighed the pain I had to endure when I was younger. Ellie’s new friendship spoke volumes to me. And Spencer, though at this moment was far from the good guy, was also a good reason to wake the hell up.

“I want to end it.” I washed my face at her urging, waiting on her verdict.

“And you will. At least you know now it’s not who you really are. You want my advice? I think you know exactly how to live. It’s a moral compass you’ve been ignoring for a long time. If something feels wrong, learn how to listen to your compass. It’s there for a reason. It’s the same as when something feels right, Nadine, and Spencer felt right to you. It’s time to listen again. I think you stopped listening. But you can’t keep ignoring it forever. You are too smart for this. Now, come on, let’s ignore both our compasses and get into some trouble.”

I burst out laughing at the bold new Ellie who had emerged on this trip. It seemed we were all becoming someone new.