Never Forget (Memories) (27 page)

She nods and smiles sadly. ''Me either. I rang the hospital.''

''How is she?'' I look up into her eyes.

''No change.'' She traces a pattern absently on the kitchen counter. ''No change is better than a bad change, I guess.''

''Yeah. Mum, I'm sorry for earlier-''

''Don't be.'' She meets my eyes. ''Don't ever be sorry for hurting, baby girl. Don't ever be afraid to cry. Tears are the soothing balm for the soul, the mother's magic kiss on a grazed knee. You have twice the pain because your heart is broken too. And Lexy, baby, I am sorry we didn't tell you, I really am.'' She steps towards me and strokes my face gently. ''She wanted to tell you herself when she was ready. I should have made her tell you because now..''

''He made the decision not to tell me. Not you, not Gram. He could have tried harder,'' I say sadly, feeling my heart break all over again. ''He told me he loves me, do you know that? He begged me to believe him, to let him take the pain away. But Mum.. He lied, didn't he? Because you don't keep stuff like that from the person you love, do you? You don't keep secrets.''

''What would you have done, if you were him?'' She raises an eyebrow. ''Would you have told you, or would you have kept that smile on your face? You're right. You don't keep secrets from the person you love, but you don't hurt them either. The person you love becomes the centre of your universe and you'd do anything to protect them. He wasn't lying to you, baby girl, he was protecting you from the pain he knew you'd feel when you found out.''

'I didn't tell you because there isn't a single part of me that could bear to see the pain in your eyes that's there now.'

I nod once at Mum and turn my attention back to the garden.

''Remember the look in his eyes whenever he saw you, the way he would look at you,'' Mum pushes softly and backs from the room. ''If you think he really did lie to you, then maybe, you didn't really know him that well at all.''

And then.. Silence, again.

Do I know Alec? Yes. I do.

Do I believe he'd hurt me deliberately? I.. I.. No, not really.

But sometimes, no matter how much you believe something, it doesn't change what's already happened. He has hurt me, and for me, that's the bottom line. The end of a simple boy meets girl love story.

Not quite Romeo and Juliet, but close enough.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

ALEXIS

There might as well be a huge rain cloud hanging over the cottage, thick, dark and heavy. Without Grammy the old building has no life, no soul.

My foot taps against the floor as I stare at the clock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Round and round the arms go, never stopping, never ending, ticking away every second of your life. If it does stop it's simple. You simply replace the batteries, give it another lease of life, but it doesn't stop ticking away.

No. Time doesn't stop just because your life has. The world doesn't stop spinning just because yours is upside down.

''She's coming round,'' Mum says softly, a small smile daring to play on her lips. ''They expect her to be fully awake in an hour or so.''

''Does that mean we can go and see her?'' I look away from the clock.

She smiles in response and I nod.

''I..''

''You don't have to, baby girl. She'll understand. You can see her tomorrow.'' Dad squeezes my shoulder and I smile gratefully.

''Thanks, Dad.'' I turn to my brother. ''Are you going?''

He shrugs one shoulder. ''I guess I did promise her Vino.''

''I don't think they'll accept that as an excuse in ICU, Sam.'' Dad half-smiles.

''I was kidding. I guess I'll come see her. I don't want her getting excited though.''

''Excited? Gram? Never.'' I roll my eyes and everyone laughs.

''Come on then.'' Mum claps her hands. ''By the time we've got into Barnstaple and had coffee she'll be ready for us.''

''Hospital coffee?'' Dad mumbles to himself and kisses my head. ''Why does she torture me this way?''

I giggle slightly and the sound surprises me. I guess I got all my sadness out last night.

''Be safe, baby girl.'' Mum kisses my cheek and they leave, Bing sending me a wary look. The door shuts with a deafening sound and I'm alone in the cottage.

I walk from room to room downstairs. Gram's trinkets line shelves, surfaces, family pictures cover every wall. The cottage is so her, so delicate yet so lively at the same time.

Delicate.. I never imagined I'd have to think of her as delicate. But she is. She's delicate like the first snowflake falling from the sky at winter, a single touch and it's gone.

ALEC

I amble downstairs looking like shit because I haven't slept. Every time I shut my eyes I see her face the moment she realised I'd lied. I'd betrayed her by not telling her. The moment I broke her heart.

I rub the back of my head and I hear a cough from the corner of the room.

''You look like shit, boy.'' Gran says, glancing up from the clicking of her knitting needles.

''Gee, thanks, Gran,'' I snap. ''You really know how to make a guy feel good. What are you doing here?''

''Just callin' it as I see it, Alec. Waiting for your Mum to take me shopping, same as I do every week, lad.'' Click click. ''What did you do?''

''Why do you assume I've done something?''

''Because you usually have. Got drunk, annoyed someone's daughter because you slept with them and threw them into the trash pile. There's always something, and it's always your fault.'' Click click. ''It's different this time, though, isn't it? But it's still your fault.''

Grey eyes meet mine. Dad's eyes. On Gran.

''Yeah, it's my damn fault.'' I flop back onto the sofa. ''I fucked up, Gran.''

''Language, Timothy,'' she scolds.

''I messed up,'' I correct myself. ''Every time. I can't.. Since he died I can't seem to keep anything together. I finally find the person I want and I can't even hold onto her.''

''Vi's awake,'' Gran says suddenly. ''I spoke with Emily not too long ago. They're heading up there today.''

''Good,'' I say, looking out at the back garden. ''I'm glad she's getting better.''

''Said she was awake, boy, not that she's getting better. Two different things.''

''You think she won't make it?''

''She'll make it what she wants to make it. That's the beauty of Karma.'' Click click. ''You can piss it off so it throws a truckload of crap back at you, but you can fight it. You can tell it to piss off back to wherever it came from and take matters into your own hands, 'cause what's the use in your life if you ain't got a say in it?''

Grey eyes sparkle with a wisdom beyond anything I could ever hope to achieve.

''You're telling me in your own crazy way that I have to fight karma, aren't you?'' I ask, narrowing my eyes.

''Karma hit you with a bucket load of silage because you pissed it off one time too many. It ain't gonna give her back to you, boy.'' She sniffs. Click. ''The only person that can get that girl back is you.''

''Fight for what you believe in, never give up and never forget why you believe in the first place,'' I echo the words Dad said to me so many times before he died. Never forget.

Never forget.

''Gran you're a fucking genius.'' I kiss her forehead and run up the stairs, changing quickly.

''Language!'' Gran yells as I fly out of the front door and into my car.

She just has to remember. She just has to remember about us. I can't let her forget about us.

ALEXIS

An engine rumbles outside and I pull the corner of the curtain to one side. A black 4x4. Hell no. Hell. Fucking. No.

I drop the curtain and run into the kitchen. A door slams. One, two, three. Knock knock. My heart beats wildly in my chest as I push against the wall to stop from running out there. If I do, I'll either kiss him or kick him.

Actually... Kicking him sounds pretty appealing right now.

''I get it, Princess.'' His voice drifts through the crack in the door. ''I'm sorry, so sorry. I can't even.. find the words. Shit.'' I can imagine him running his hands through his hair, shutting his eyes and kicking the floor the way he does when he's frustrated.

''I know you're in there, but whether or not you're listening is another story,'' he carries on. ''But I.. Fuck it. I have to say it before I go mad, okay? I wish with every part of me I was in there with you, holding you and taking your pain away. In fact, I'm certain I'd do pretty much anything to be in there with you right now..'' Tears start to slide down my cheeks and I grip the counter. ''I just.. I love you, okay? I didn't plan to fall in love with you, not for a second, but I did and I can't take that back. I wouldn't even if I could. It's killing me that I'm hurting you. I know I don't deserve anything but, Princess, if you only ever do one thing for me, then never forget, okay?

''Never forget how I held you under the stars, how I showed you there's more to life than just shopping and weekend partying. Never forget everything we've shared in the last six weeks, all the smiles, laughter and everything else that made us as close as two people can ever be. I know I won't. I won't forget it, okay? So you don't either. Never forget that somewhere along the way you became the only thing worth waking up for. But most importantly, never forget how much I love you. Never forget about us.''

Something slides through the letterbox and I bite the inside of my cheek. I'm being torn apart again.

I hear his car leave and walk to the front door on shaky legs.

We sit on the rug. Our smiling faces covered in ice cream and he's kissing my cheeks. Trembling, I pick up the photo.

Never forget is scrawled on the back. I lean back against the wall and close my eyes against the sting of salty tears.

How could I forget? How could I ever forget the way he made me feel? I'll never forget the smiles, touches, racing hearts, spoken words, unspoken words, dreams of forever, promises for the future.

My fingers trace the words on the back of the photo. Never forget.

''I won't,'' I whisper, looking away. ''I'll never forget.''

ALEC

I pause at the car door, waiting, hoping, that maybe, just maybe, she'll open the door and tell me it's okay. But she doesn't, and I don't honestly expect her to.

It doesn't kill the hope inside me, though. As I drive away I can still feel a little of it, a tiny dot in the back of my mind, like a seed waiting to pop out of the ground and bloom.

It doesn't bloom. I won't let it. Until my girl is back in my arms for good, I won't let an ounce of hope grow.

But she'll remember. I've made sure of it. The little things. She can burn the picture, delete the messages and leave town.

But I know she'll never forget.

~

ALEXIS

Music pounds my ears as I travel into Barnstaple on the bus. After a million and one reassurances from my family last night that Gram was fully awake, I agreed to come and see her today. On the condition I came alone.

After Mum saw the picture of me and Alec, she didn't argue.

I push the stop button and stand, gripping the rail tightly as the big, white building looms before me. I roll my shoulders against the shiver creeping down my spine at the sight and thank the driver, stepping off onto the curb. The doors open automatically and I pass past people, turning off my iPod as I wait for the lift.

Tap, tap. Tick, tock. I swallow and step into the lift, the chrome, silver walls and mirror a welcome change from the whiteness of reception.

I pay attention to where I walk this time. Corridors, turning, nurses, doctors. Just a normal workplace, I tell myself.

I press the buzzer on the door outside ICU.

''Who's there?''

''Um, Alexis Edwards. I'm here to see my Gram-''

''Come on in, dear,'' the voice chuckles. ''We've been expecting you.''

''Oh, okay.'' I release it and push open the door.

I walk into the stuffy hospital room, my hands sweaty and shaking as I clasp them in front of me. They said Gram was awake – but do we have different definitions of awake? Is she talking, moving, joking?

It's a tall order, I know, but that's all I want.

The nurse at the desk smiles at me. ''Alexis?''

''That's me.'' I give her a shaky smile.

''She's all you've talked about all morning. We're glad to see you. She's quite a character, your grandmother.'' She waves for me to follow her.

''Oh, you have no idea,'' I mutter under my breath and smile widely at her.

''This is you. I'll be coming round to do her bed bath in about fifteen minutes, I'm afraid, but you can always come back after.''