Never Forget (Memories) (26 page)

stupid to believe in him-

stupid to fall in love with him.

"Princess, let me explain!" Alec bangs on the front door and it shakes me. I ignore him. I can't deal with him.

I don't want to see him.

"I know you're there, Princess. I can see you sat behind the door. Please, baby, let me talk to you."

"I don't want to talk to you!" I shout through my tears. "Leave me alone!"

"Princess, please." He's begging now.

I want him to hold me. I want him to stroke my hair and take away the pain. I want him to kiss the tears from my eyes and promise me it'll be okay.

And I hate myself for it.

I hate that I still want him. I hate that I have to fight myself not to open the front door and collapse into his waiting arms.

"No, Alec," I say through my tears. "Leave me alone."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Then you'll be there a long time." My head falls into my arms and another sob escapes me.

First Grammy, now Alec.

I don't know if I'll ever be whole again.

ALEC

I could kick myself.

The moment I saw the light leave her eyes I knew I'd fucked up. I should have persuaded Vi to tell her weeks ago, but then it's not really the kind of thing you drop into a conversation is it?

I can hear her crying through the door. I feel helpless. I want to go to her, hold her, beg her to forgive me for keeping it from her. But I know she won't take it.

She's too strong, too independent. She's too damn stubborn.

But it's my fault, and only my fault. My own heart is clenching inside my chest and I rest my forehead against the door. I wish I could break through it. I wish I could reach for her and tuck her head under my chin.

I wish I could take everything back.

Except the I love you.

I'll never take that back.

I bang on the door again. ''I'm not going anywhere!''

''Then you'll be there for a long time!'' she calls back, her voice thick and heartbroken.

She's sobbing. Actually sobbing, great big heart wrenching sobs. My whole body tenses and I snap my eyes shut, holding them closed. My jaw clenches and I'm mad.

I'm angry. At myself, because it's my fucking fault.

I said I wasn't going anywhere. I lied. Again. I lied to her again.

I can't stay here, listening to her like that when she should be in my arms, crying into my shoulder, not fucking crying because of me. I should be wiping those tears and kissing the corners of her eyes.

Fuck. My chest tightens and I knock my fist against the door.

''Fine,'' I shout. ''Fine, you win, Lexy.''

I run my fingers through my hair and storm down the path to my car. I climb in, slamming the door and head back to the beach.

~

ALEXIS

Bing knocks on my door tentatively and I lift my head from my pillow slightly.

"Yeah?" My voice is thick with unshed tears.

My door eases open and he comes in slowly. He takes one look at me and his eyes narrow.

"What's happened?"

"You know." I put my head down and hug a pillow tight.

"No, what else? I'm not stupid, Lexy." He sits on the bed and pushes my hair from my face.

Clouds drift by my window slowly, morphing shapes.

"He knew," I say, tears filling my eyes again. I take a deep breath and laugh bitterly. "He knew, Bing, the
whole fucking time
, he knew! And you know what? He kept it from me. He lied."

Tears course down my cheeks and I shake as hopelessness races through my body like it's a high speed chase.

"Lexy.."

I shake my head and roll away from him, getting up.

"You knew!" I shout in a high voice. "You, Mum, Dad, Alec. You
all
fucking knew she was ill and you kept it from me! You all lied to me, Bing! Was I not good enough to know? Did you think it wouldn't hurt me when I found out? Were you
ever
gonna tell me, huh?"

He stands and rubs his hand over his face. "Mum made the decision not to tell you, okay? Mum wanted you to be happy this summer. None of us knew Gram would have a heart attack while we were here. We thought-"

"She'd have one when no one was there to phone an ambulance?" I cry, my chest heaving. "
Get out!
"

"Lexy-"

"Get out, Bing! I don't want to see you! Any of you!" I scream at him.

"Okay, sis." He stops at the door. "When you've calmed down, you know where I am."

He shuts the door and I wipe at my eyes furiously. I see the photo frame and act reflexively.

I throw the frame at my door.

Bang.

The glass shatters with my heart, pieces of both flying into oblivion. I sink to the floor, my hair in my hands. Pain, broken dreams.

Blue grey eyes seared into my mind.

I scream out a sob and lie on my side. Too much pain, too much heartbreak.

I can't see through the tears. I can't breathe through the heaving of my chest. I can't think through the day's events flashing through my mind in his eyes.

Grammy. Alec. Grammy. Alec.

The frame lies on the floor, taunting me, reminding me of what was.

Two smiling faces.

Three weeks of maybes, indecision, trust building.

Three weeks of kisses, laughing, and shared moments.

Six weeks of half-truths. Six weeks of lies, of secrets.

Six weeks to fall in love.

A second for it to all come crushing down.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

ALEC

I lean back against the rock, looking aimlessly out to sea.

Numb. That's how I feel.

Is this what heartbreak feels like?

I want to kick myself. I want to kick myself over and over for not telling her before, for letting her find out the way she did.

And a part of me wants to kick myself for telling her I knew at all.

The look in her eyes.. I saw her heart crumble. I saw the last few weeks...

Disappear. Like they never happened.

I kick the sand. Stupid stupid stupid!

Leaning my head back, I gaze up at the passing clouds. Kick the rock. And again. Like the pain from it could outweigh the pain in my heart, the pain of losing Lexy.

"Stupid!" I yell, turning to punch the rock.

A graze. A few drops of blood. A flinch.

Nothing.. Nothing compares to it. I punch it again.

"Alec! What the fuck are you doing?!" Jen yells.

I flatten my hands against the rock and lean forwards, dropping my head.

"If you're here to kick my ass, then don't fuckin' bother. I'm a prick. I know."

"I'm not here to kick your ass.'' She puts a hand on my arm. "I'm here to make sure you're okay, and seeing you punching the rock doesn't exactly reassure me you are. I mean, c'mon, Alec, what the hell did the poor rock do to you?"

I look up at her. Beyond her jokes is concern.

"Why aren't you with Lexy?"

"Her family is there. She'll call when she needs me. You're my friend, Alec, and as much as I take the piss I do care."

I exhale and shut my eyes, shaking my head. "Then no. No, I'm not okay. If I'm honest, I'm waiting for Bing to come down here and kick my ass."

Jen leans against the rock next to me and folds her arms across her chest. "Bing ain't coming."

"It's nothing less than I deserve for breaking her heart, Jen."

"It's not at all. She's hurting, Alec. She's had a rough day. Bing gets why you didn't tell her, really, he does. He ain't mad at you, boy. He didn't tell her either."

"I broke her fuckin' heart, Jen!" I yell and smack the rock again. "You've seen her. She's in pieces and that's my fault! I should be holdin' her right now, making it better and instead I made it worse."

I look up at her and by the softening of her expression I know it's written all over my face. The agony I feel is clear for her to see.

"It's
my
fuckin' fault, Jen, mine. My. Fucking. Fault! You know me. You know I never wanted to hurt her. I..'' I screw my eyes shut tightly. ''I'd rather die than hurt her.''

"Yeah I know you. I know you well enough to know you need to stop or I'll kick some sense into your balls!" She stands up straight, fire in her eyes. "You think it's your fault? She's hurting, Alec, big time. Vi didn't want you to tell her and you respected her wishes. That's all there is to it. When things have calmed down, Lexy will see that too."

I turn my head away back out to sea.

"Alec," she says softly. "She loves you. She really loves you, she's just - angry. She feels betrayed. Give her time."

"Time for what?" I turn to her. "So she can realise I'm the prick I promised her I wasn't? That's what's gonna happen."

"You don't know that-"

"Yeah, Jen. I do. And I don't blame her for a second."

"Alec-"

"Leave me alone, Jen. Please." I lean back against the rock again. Jen nods softly and walks back across the sand.

"Alec.'' She turns and I raise my eyebrows. "She does love you. I promise."

I nod once, sharply, and look away from her.

Lexy. My Princess. The little city girl who's done what no other ever has.

Made me fall in love.

~

ALEXIS

Numbly, I watch the water flow from the tap into the bath. I stop the tap. Start it again. Stop it. For the sixth time.

I step out of my clothes and turn the heat of the shower up high, putting the pressure up too. A day of tears has gradually numbed me. I can't feel anything anymore.

Blankly, I move into the shower and shut the door. The water beats down on me red hot but I can't feel it. It's just a pressure that drowns me in rivulets of water. I tilt my head back and silent tears mix with the shower.

Water drips down my body in a silent caress until I can't take anymore.

Every pound on my back, every tickling stream down my leg, every gentle drop on my arm reminds me of the feel of Alec's skin against mine. The flick of his tongue, the stroke of his fingers as they link through mine, the warmth of his body against me as he held me close and promised he'd always be there.

Lies.. Just one after another. He didn't tell me. He's not here. Everything he promised me he's broken.

'I wish I could have told you.'

His words spin round, and round, and round. I lean against the shower door, feelings conflicting inside me like a battle to the death, each one more desperate and clawing than the last. I want to run into his arms and let him hold me, take away the memories of seeing Gram so broken. I want him to make it better, promise me she'll be okay.

But Alec and promises don't go together. I know that. I always knew it, because deep down he's too much like Bing, and Bing couldn't keep a promise to a girl to save his life.

But I still trusted him. I still fell in love with him, and now I'm in too deep to get out.

I slide down the shower door to the tiled floor. I curl up and sit in the corner, silently. No water running. No crying. No whispered pleas to myself.

Just me, and the sound of a broken heart that's still beating.

~

The moon shines through the kitchen window as I pad my way down the stairs. I've avoided my family since they got back from the hospital and I kicked Bing out of my room. I sigh. Maybe I was a little hard on him. Maybe.. The jury is still out on that one.

I pull the chocolate milk from the fridge and stand by the sliding glass doors, looking out at the garden and drinking from the carton. I smile ever so slightly at what Gram would say. She'd tell me to 'get a bloody glass and drink it normally!' then proceed to drink it from the carton herself.

I giggle slightly and rest my forehead against the cold glass. My breath blows across it, frosting it up. I trace the pattern of my tattoo on it, the heart, the lines through the centre and the dots on the side. Unconditional love.

Forever. Always. Infinity.

The kind of love I have for Grammy. I trace the symbol another three times, basking in the silence of the cottage. I look outside. Stars.. the moon.. the stars.

Alec.

No. I close my eyes. No.

''You're up late.. Early.'' Mum says softly behind me.

''I couldn't sleep,'' I reply, turning round slowly.