Never Forget (Memories) (28 page)

''That's okay. Thank you.'' I smile at her and she walks off.

I gently push the curtain back and peer round it. She's sat up in bed, jabbing at the television remote impatiently.

''Knock knock,'' I say softly.

Grammy turns her head slowly and beams at me. ''Lexy girl!'' Her voice is weak.

''Hey.'' I walk into her corner and sit on the big chair next to her bed. ''How are you feeling?''

''I've seen...better days,'' she rasps out with a smile. ''How's my favourite..granddaughter?

''I'm okay.'' I smile sadly and take her hand.

''Everyone else?''

''Mum is better now you're awake. Dad's trying to take everyone's mind off what happened and Bing is... Well, he's just being Bing.''

''Mmhmm,'' she hums. ''And Alec?''

I drop my eyes to our hands. ''I don't know.''

''What do you mean? You..don't know?'' Grammy says.

''I don't know,'' I repeat quietly. ''But I should imagine not good.''

''What did you do, Lexy girl?''

I stand and snatch back my hand. ''Me? What did I do? I wasn't the one who was keeping secrets from the person I claimed to be in love with. I wasn't the one who ripped out someone else's heart.''

Grammy sighs, and when I look at her she's determined. Angry determined.

''I asked him..not to..tell you,'' she begins. ''I didn't want you..to spend time with me this summer because..you felt like..you had to. I wanted you..to spend it with me..because you wanted to. And I had the..most wonderful time, Lexy.

''But that's not..what the best thing is. The best thing is that I got..to watch you grow into a young..woman..and fall in love. I watched you grow from a sullen..caterpillar..into a beautiful butterfly who..glowed at the mention of his name..and that's..that's all I wanted. I wanted to see..you happy.

''I'm not stupid..Lexy..I know I don't have..long left before I see..your grandpa again. But I can die a happy..woman now I've seen my favourite..granddaughter so happy.

''Don't..blame Alec..for what I..made him do. I can see it..in his eyes..Lexy girl..the boy loves you, and I'd wager..he's as heartbroken as..you. Don't let him..take the wrap for..what I..made him..do.''

''I don't know,'' I say softly, my eyes filling with tears. ''I just don't know, Grammy.''

''Alexis Mae, look..at me.''

I turn my head and she's staring at me intently, her eyes shining with truth and emotion.

''Alec Johnson..is in
love
..with
you
.''

''I never wanted a summer romance, Grammy. I never wanted to be hurt.'' A tear escapes my eye as the raw, fresh pain builds inside me again.

''Lexy..'' She takes my hand again. ''You have to learn..that..you might not end up where..you wanted to be..but you'll always..end up..where you're meant..to be. Maybe Alec is..your meant..to be.''

''Mrs Highwood, I'm going to have to ask your granddaughter to leave now. It's time for your bed bath.'' The nurse smiles apologetically at us.

''Of course.'' I wipe at my eyes and try for a smile. ''I'll see you soon, okay, Grammy?'' I kiss her cheek and she holds me tight.

''I wouldn't count on it, baby girl. I'm ready..to meet your..Grandpa once again. You..remember what..I said, and talk..to Alec. Be happy..again. I love you, Lexy girl. Always..will.''

I pull back from her and breathe deeply to keep my tears in.

''I love you, Grammy. Always will,'' I whisper as I walk backwards.

She smiles at me, a half-there smile before I close the curtains in front of me. I know in my heart she's already going, she's already leaving to be with the man she's loved her whole life.

My heart clenches as I leave the ICU ward, and I press my back against the wall, bending over as tears start to fall. I slide down the wall and hug myself tightly.

I'm crying for Alec-

for our pain of two needlessly broken hearts.

I'm crying for myself-

because I've never been so alone.

And I'm crying for Grammy-

because that just felt an awful lot like a forever goodbye.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

ALEXIS

Forever waits for no one, I know this now. There are no guarantees in life, no definitive paths we must take. The bottom line is that it's luck. Some you get given to you, some of it is random luck, and the rest you have to make for yourself.

I lost a piece of myself when I walked away from the hospital this morning. A piece of me stayed in the room with my Grammy, to go with her wherever she might be going now.

Strangely, the fact that she's giving in to her fate doesn't bother me as much as it should. She's had a long life, a happy one, and if she's ready to go and take her place as a star in the sky, who am I to hold her back?

She always knew what was best. She was always the one to talk sense into our family with a few simple words, and that's what she did to me earlier.

Despite having no definitive path, we all have places to go, people to meet, feelings to feel. Love, friendship and happiness are the luck you get given to you. What you do with them is the luck you make for yourself.

We all have a meant to be, whether we believe in fate, destiny, or nothing at all. Do we decide our meant to be, or do we get it chosen for us? Do we get more than one option?

If we do, what if we go through them all then decide the first one was the best option, do we get a second chance?

No. There are no second chances in life, no rewind button. You don't get a do-over, so if you want something you have to run, smash into it and grab it with everything you have. You have to take it and hold onto it tightly before it's too late.

One life. One chance. One love.

Maybe Alec and I are more like Romeo and Juliet than I thought. Maybe we are each other's one tragic love, destined for disaster. But if that means I get to look into his eyes, touch his face and kiss his lips every day, is a tragic love really that bad?

The sand slips between my toes as I slowly walk onto the beach. It's calm, quiet. The peace is only broken by the occasional breaking of the waves.

I stop at the edge of the water, letting it roll over my feet, and look up at the stars. A thousand specks of glitter sparkling in the night sky, waiting for Grammy to join them. They make me remember the last time I stood here and stared at them.

A lone tear escapes my eye.

We're minutes apart but so far away. As I stand beneath the stars, I miss him. I miss all the little things that make Alec who he is.

I miss how his hair curls at the nape of his neck. I miss how the sun plays across his face, illuminating his captivating eyes. I miss how we laughed, how we joked. I miss how he teased me, how we could lie in silence with nothing but the beating of our hearts between us.

I miss everything he is.

If I close my eyes and believe hard enough I can feel Alec's arms around my waist, his breath against my ear, his lips against my hair. I can feel the rumble of his chest as he laughs. And then..

Then reality intrudes.

And once again, I'm all alone with only the night for company.

I know, without him, I'm falling apart inside. Every beat of my heart, every breath I take, they're forced. I force them to keep holding on, to keep fighting against the pain that creeps through my body every time I think his name.

For someone I never wanted to get close to, he's holding my heart and soul in his hands.

The silence is deafening and I pull my gaze from the stars, dropping it to my feet. My hair falls around my face, creating a thick curtain, hiding me from the rest of the world.

What Gram said makes sense. I know why he didn't tell me - but I don't know if that actually makes it okay.

Will it ever be okay? Without him?

My stomach tightens. I squeeze my eyes shut as more tears burn them.

I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to hurt.

I want to be taken in and mesmerised by those stormy eyes. I want to curl my fingers in that dirty blonde, messy hair. I want to press my face into his neck as he holds me tight against his body.

I want to forget the pain and just - be.

My hair moves from my face and I feel fingertips brush my scalp. I know that touch.

"Princess," he whispers. "Don't cry."

Damn silent sand.

I sniff and look up - away from him.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." His words are soft, full of emotion.

It's been two days since I heard his voice. Those two days have seemed like an age, and my heart automatically speeds up as my ears drink his voice in like my lungs take in oxygen.

Like I need him to live, to breathe, to be.

"I.." He pauses and I risk a glance at him. He's looking at the stars, the way I was. "Do you remember the last time we looked at the stars?"

"How could I forget?" My voice is wispy, barely there.

"That was the night I knew."

I look up at him at the same time he looks down at me.

"That was the night I knew I'd fallen in love with you. I remember looking at you, curled in my arms with your hair fanning across my chest and thinking, 'what did I do to have her believe in me?'"

Emotions play across his face and this time I let myself see them. Guilt, sadness, regret. He's broken, just as much as I am. Regret floods in his eyes, swimming with the blue and grey hues of each iris.

"I never wanted to hurt you.'' He raises a hand and cups my cheek. "If I could take it back, I would. Believe me, Princess. Every time I close my eyes I see the look in your eyes when you realised I knew about your Gram, and I hate that I put that there. I should have been there for you but instead I made it worse. Even if you can't forgive me.. Just tell me you know I never meant to hurt you."

His hand is warm against my cheek and I turn my face into it.

"I know," I say quietly. "I know you never meant to hurt me. But you did."

He nods and gives me a sad smile. "Then I'll take that."

He makes to move his hand and I put mine over it, stopping him.

"But I forgive you.'' Tears well in my eyes again. "I know Gram didn't want me to know and that's okay. Well, it's not, but you made her a promise and I respect that. I understand, Alec."

Hope flares in his eyes and he pushes hair from my face with his other hand.

"You forgive me?" he says in disbelief.

I nod and smile slightly. "I forgive you."

His face changes. He smiles, his dimples showing, and steps closer to me.

''Never forget, right?'' I whisper, my eyes meeting his.

''Never,'' he says softly.

We look into each other's eyes for what seems like an eternity. I raise my hand and gently put it behind his neck, rising up on to my tiptoes as he lowers his head.

His lips meet mine. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly as if he'll never let me go again.

He's not perfect. I'm not perfect. But you know what?

That's okay, because I've realised that love is seeing other's imperfections, and loving them anyway.

EPILOGUE

ALEXIS

Four days after Alec and I made up, Grammy's heart gave out. They managed to resuscitate her and she naturally fell into a coma. They said if it happened again they didn't know if she'd come back.

It did. Two days later, exactly a week ago, her heart gave up the fight and we said goodbye.

Today, we say our final goodbyes. I stand in front of the church, dressed in black, knowing my beloved Grammy is lying in there. I take a deep breath and a hand slips into mine.

I curl into Alec's side and he kisses my forehead. As if saying goodbye to my Grammy isn't enough, we leave for London after her funeral. I have to say goodbye to Alec, too.

A battle of emotions fight inside me but I hold it together, accepting condolences and shoulder-pats from well meaning friends of Gram's.

Many have stopped me over the last week to regale me with stories of years gone by. In Tesco, at the beach, they even stopped by the cottage a few times. I smile and nod when they do. I don't need them to tell me how amazing my Grammy was. I know. I have my own novel of memories that will stay with me until I die and join her again.

The sun is shining through the stained glass window at the far end of the church, casting rainbows of light through the building. Grammy would have loved it.

When the first half of the funeral is said and done I step up to read my eulogy for her. I have no prepared speech, no scrap of paper like my brother did. Even if no words leave my mouth, she'll know I was thinking of her.

I look up, casting my eyes over the church and I swallow. It's packed. People are stood up. It's a testament to Grammy. Alec catches my eyes and nods once. I can do this.