My Chance (Chance #2) (2 page)

“Still sensitive. I love that.” He nibbled and sucked my earlobe. His tongue traced the back of my ear and down my neck.

I beamed. He made me feel so good. My back arched, and I couldn’t speak. I was afraid that “I love you” would fly out of my mouth. I didn’t want to say that. I felt it, but I couldn’t say it. Just one night… our last night.

He pulled his fingers out of me, and I felt the loss until he settled between my legs and ran his tip in my wetness. He felt amazing, like silk and velvet wrapped around the best man I’d ever known. He gently entered me on a groan. He felt beyond good inside of me. I grabbed his hair, and I noticed it was longer. I tugged as he thrust in and out.

“Aubrey, I want to make this last.” Thrust. “I don’t want this to end.” Thrust. “I need to keep you with me.” Thrust. “I want you.” Thrust. “Forever.”

Then he stopped talking, but he kept moving in and out of me. I tried to memorize everything about that moment: the way he felt, what he said, his spirit, and how I felt. I didn’t want to forget one moment. I loved him more than life, and losing him tore at my soul.

My release was imminent. I wrapped my legs around his hips, forcing him deeper. That was all he needed. He picked up his pace, and my breathing altered. I bucked my hips to meet his as we yelled each other’s names.

He kissed me, and I felt emotion pour out of him. I felt a drop of liquid on my cheek; I prayed it wasn’t a tear. I felt my heart shatter, and my chest shook as I tried to contain my sobs.

He ran his fingers along my forehead, moved the damp strands of my hair, and tucked them behind my ear. “Please don’t cry. I don’t want you to be sad. I know you probably still don’t forgive me completely, but I’m hoping you will. I want to show you the world, for us have kids. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to take care of you and make you happy. I’m nothing without you.”

I heard his sadness. A part of me wanted to forgive and forget everything, but it wasn’t easy. Every time I thought about the way we were in New York, I thought about the way we’d ended: the kiss, the lie, the lack of trust… the hurt. My heart ached at his words.

I couldn’t be with him like that again, especially while I was blind. I didn’t want his life to be reduced to taking care of me because of guilt or obligation. Then it hit me. Was that what his words were? Did he feel obligated to love me? Then I heard it over and over in my head…
to take care of me….take care of me... care…of…me
. Did he feel responsible? I panicked, shifted, and pushed him off me. I felt around for the edge of the bed and moved my legs until my feet found the carpet.

I stood. “No. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I can’t do this. I can’t be that woman anymore; I’m not that woman anymore.” I wiped the tears off my cheeks.

His hands found my face. He kissed me. “Don’t say that. Please don’t say that.” He rested his forehead against mine. “I can’t lose you, not again. I need you more than I have ever needed anyone.”

I knew what those words meant to him. The last person he had truly needed was his mom. I willed myself not to shed more tears, not to get upset. My feelings were all over the place. My head told me to walk away, but my heart told me the exact opposite. I lowered my chin to my chest and threw my hands into my hair. I felt like pulling it out at the roots to take the pain away from my heart.

I raised my head and sighed. “I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want your pity or your guilt. I can’t be everything you need me to be. What if the operation my doctor suggested doesn’t work? What if I’m blind for the rest of my life?” I burst into tears. “I’d never be able to see the world with you. I’d never see our kids’ faces or to see you with them. I can’t do those things. I th-think I should g-go. I need to leave.”

I felt around for my clothes. “Shit! Where’s my stuff? I can’t find my things!” I dropped to the floor, my knees hitting the carpeting hard. “Where are my clothes? Alex…” I dropped my head into my hands. “Why? Why did this happen? Why didn’t you trust me? Why didn’t you trust my love for you? Why did you believe those bitches? Why did you kiss her? You fucking kissed her in front of me! Do you know how humiliated I was? All I see is her smug face! She loved every minute of it, and so did you! If I hadn’t come in, would you have slept with her?” My voice softened, but my breath kept hitching. I felt lightheaded. “Why did you hurt me? Why did you let the shoe drop?”

I felt his hands on my wrists. My bracelet pushed into my skin, another reminder of what was. I jerked my hands away. “I need to go.”

“Please don’t leave. Let’s talk.”

“No, I can’t.”

“You threw out a lot of questions. Very different from the first set you asked me.”

He must have been talking about my bullshit speed dating questions. That seemed so long ago. I couldn’t even smile at the memory.

“Yeah, they are different. I don’t even know if I want answers to them. I don’t know if I could believe your answers. I don’t know if I can ever believe you again!”

“That hurts, Aubrey, but I want to answer them, so I will.” His voice was even. “You can choose whether or not you want to believe me, but you’re going to listen. I don’t know why this happened to you. I’d give anything for me to be blind instead. I wish I could take that burden from you. But just because you can’t see doesn’t mean that we can’t be together. I thought Chance proved that to you. I don’t think—I mean, I wouldn’t have slept with her. I only want you.”

I wiped away a tear before it fell. I didn’t want to cry anymore. “You don’t think you would have slept with her? Oh my God, Alex, you might have?” I walked away.

He grabbed my hand. “I don’t know why I didn’t trust you. I guess I was shocked and felt let down. I told you that I haven’t felt love since my mom passed away. You lied to me too. That’s why I did what I did. Why didn’t you tell me that your initial reason for being with me was to use me? Every woman I’ve ever been with has used me for one reason or another: my money, my dad’s connections, for fun.” He exhaled. “I got hurt, and then I got pissed off. That kiss, that mother-fucking stupid kiss... It was a stupid reaction, that’s all. I felt betrayed, and I wanted you to feel it too. If I’d known what would happen after that, I never would I have done it. God, I’m so sorry.”

“The difference is I didn’t mean to hurt you. My journal….” I shook my head. “If you’d read the whole thing, you would have realized that I loved you with all my heart. It was just a diary. My diary! I wrote about all of your wonderfully romantic gestures, how happy you made me. It’s pretty ironic, right? I thought writing about romance would make me happy, and it has made me the unhappiest I’ve ever been.”

He dropped my hand, and it landed on my thigh. “Loved? You don’t still love me? We just made love. I thought—”

“I don’t know.”

He let out a long breath. “I wish you did know.” He must have walked away from me because I heard the refrigerator door and then the sound of a bottle opening.

“I think I’ll always love you, just like I told you, or ‘Chance.’” I made sure to use air quotes when mentioning his alias. “What would you have done if I’d told Chance I loved him? Would you have come clean? What if I had wanted to sleep with him before I knew he was you?”

“I don’t know what I would have done.” He sounded frustrated. “I think I would have been a little sad that you fell for another guy, even if it was me. Did you fall for him?”

“Did I fall for him?” I lowered my head and remembered the time I’d spent with Alex as Chance. I raised my head. “I did a little, yes. But I felt guilty about it. He reminded me of you, and now I know why. Your accent threw me off. I didn’t know you spoke such fluent French. I mean, I heard you speak it when we were here before, but it was different. You tricked me. I’m tired. I want to go home.”

“Fine, if that’s what you want, then go. I assume Frank is downstairs. I’ll walk you down.” He sounded defeated and slightly angry.

“No! I can do it.” I didn’t know what else to say except good-bye, and I couldn’t say that. So I walked out the door and heard it close.

I didn’t move right away. I felt for the wall and leaned my back against it. I slid down until I was squatting. I tried to regain some form of composure. I didn’t want Frank to see me like that.

I got up, took my walking stick out of my bag, and headed downstairs. Frank called to me, and I gave him the best smile I could, which I’m sure was hardly one at all. Occasionally, Frank cleared his throat, but otherwise we drove in silence. I’m sure my eyes were puffy and red when he met me at the curb outside my house.

I walked into my room and laid on my bed, thinking of everything that had transpired. I’d gone to my friend’s apartment only to find out that he was the man I loved. I missed Chance. I wanted my friend back. I had to keep reminding myself that I had been with Chance. My head still had a hard time wrapping around what had happened.

I couldn’t sleep, so I grabbed my tablet. I needed to talk to Julie. I felt for the phone button, but I noticed that I had missed a text message. I opened it and listened.

Alex 11:55 p.m.
-
I’m going back home tomorrow. I’m sorry for everything. Maybe someday you can find it in yourself to forgive me, like I forgave you. Good luck with your surgery. I’ll be thinking of you.

He was leaving… I cried… again. I don’t know if I’d ever stopped. I needed to stop. I didn’t respond to his text. I stayed on course and dialed Julie’s number, praying she’d answer.

She sounded out of breath. “Hi,
chica
!” She giggled.

I could tell she wasn’t alone. “Are you busy?” I sniffled.

“No, not at all. Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not. I’m so confused, Jules. I need my best friend.”

“Hold on a minute, I’m going into the living room.”

“I knew it; you’re busy. I don’t want to interrupt you and Brett.” I could only assume they were in bed. It was evening in New York.

“Don’t be silly. We weren’t doing anything. Now talk to me. What’s up?”

I took a deep breath. “Well, the good news is I’m coming home.”

Julie squealed. “Yay! Okay. Sorry, go on.”

“The confusing news is… Are you ready?”

“Yeah. You’re freaking me out. Talk already.”

“I told you about my new friend, Chance. Well, I went to his apartment for dinner tonight, and to tell him that I was going to go to New York…”

“Oh my God, what did he do to you? Did he hurt you? I’ll kick his ass.”

“No, it turns out that Chance is Alex. He has been here the entire time.”

Julie didn’t miss a beat. “Get the fuck out! Holy shit! What did you do?”

“I slept with him.”

Silence… followed by… more silence.

“Jules?”

“You slept with him? So you guys are good? That’s great. I mean, if you can forgive him, I can. This is great; the four of us can hang again. Is he coming back with you? Brett’s going to be psyched.”

“No, it’s not great. We aren’t together, and he isn’t coming back with me. I slept with him, he told me he loved me, and I didn’t reciprocate. We had words, and I left him thinking that I don’t love him.” I needed to breathe. “He texted me and told me he’s leaving tomorrow. I’ve lost him, Julie. I don’t know why I let this happen. I had him back, and then I thought about that skank, and I lost it. I thought he was just being nice out of obligation.”

“Okay, um… well… shit. Let’s think about this. Why did you sleep with him?”

“Because I needed to. I love him. I just don’t know… I can’t be with him if I’m blind.”

“Seriously? Like he gives a shit about that. God, Aubrey! He left everything for you: his home, his club, and his life. Don’t you get that? All.For.You.” Julie sounded annoyed. “I’ll have your back no matter what, and I guess I sort of understand how you feel, but damn! What are you going to do?”

“That’s the thing. I have no idea. I’m going to come home and hope to get good news about my eyes, but other than that, I don’t know. I think he feels guilty and that’s why he came here. I asked him if he would have slept with Leah. He started to say he didn’t think he would’ve and then stopped himself. I think he would have.”

“That is total bullshit, and you know it. He loves you. Yes, he screwed up, but you’re it for him. Even Brett said so. He said he’s never seen Alex the way he was with you. I think you’re scared, which is understandable, but take a chance.”

“Ha! Chance. This whole thing started with me taking a chance. So you think I should text him back?”

“I can’t tell you what to do, and you know that. What do you want to do? How did you feel when you got that text? Take that feeling and make your decision. Deep down, do you love him?”

I nodded. Not that Julie could see that. “I’ve got to go. I’ll let you know my flight info when I have it.”

“For once, follow your heart, okay? I love you.”

“I’ll try. Thanks. I love you too.”

I ended the call and thought about her advice.
Follow my heart
…
my heart… my heart.

12:50 a.m. Aubrey
- What time?

12:51 a.m. Alex
-
What?