My Blue River (31 page)

He stopped dead in the tracks of kisses. “Um, that’s—kinky,” Jack mumbled through the skin of my belly.

“No, Jack—not Claire—I mean, stop. Please stop,” I let out a heavy sigh. “I just now thought of Claire and how she is about to be a single, teen mom. I just realized we can’t do this. We’re not ready for what would happen if our protection failed and do we even have that here tonight? I didn’t even think of that! And I don’t want to have a baby right now. In fact, I’m not sure if I’ll ever want kids,”—I began to talk faster and faster—“and I don’t want to take any chances on changing the direction of my life.” I couldn’t seem to control the new wave of emotion that had come over me and I began to cry.

He was now sitting up, pulling me into a sitting position. He wrapped his comforting arms around me but didn’t say anything. I looked up to his face, hoping to read his expression.
What is he thinking?
His eyes looked thoughtful. I knew he was thinking something, he just wasn’t sharing it with me.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” I asked, slightly irritated by his silence.

“Yeah, yeah…I mean, give me a minute…I’m still kinda back on what we were just doing, okay?”

“Well, don’t you think about that, too? I mean—Claire, teen pregnancy, that whole life-changing event?”

He gave great pause and replied, “I do. It’s just that you and I are different from Claire and Ethan. I know you’re the one for me and if you—I mean, WE—had a baby I would be thrilled. The timing would be off, but I would be thrilled. I’d take care of you and we’d be a family.”

I cocked my head to the side. That was actually very touching. It truly warmed my heart, but it was unrealistic and frankly, irresponsible. The timing would be beyond horrible.
If there’s another word that tops horrible, that’s what it would be.

“Jack. I—I,” My lips moved wordlessly, not knowing how to respond. I couldn’t help but remember that we were just eighteen-year-old kids who should be thinking of college and careers, not marriage and family. Just as my mom had said at The Beach, we were so young. It seemed inconceivable that
the one—the one special person—
would happen at this time in my life. I hated that she might be right. Jack would be my first love and one day I would remember him with fond memories.

“Don’t worry about it,” offered Jack. “We’ll have our right moment in time.” He had read my mind. “For now, just remember…” He pointed to the eternal silver circle that now hung around my neck.

26. Confessions

The air smelled of impending rain when I left the Cooper’s house. When I got home, I tried to finalize my packing but couldn’t concentrate on the task.
This should be so simple!
I decided to get ready for bed, removing my makeup and putting on my pajamas. I tried to snuggle into a comfortable position, but no position felt quite right. I couldn’t get my mind away from Jack or what had just nearly happened between us.

It must have actually started to rain because as I lay in bed, the “tink” of raindrops landed on my bedroom window. But then I thought I heard my name being called. Curious, I went to the window to investigate. I pulled back the sheer curtain and found the sound wasn’t rain. It was a far more amazing sight than rain. It was Jack. He was grinning from ear-to-ear and holding his guitar, ready to break into song.

I pulled up the creaky, old window. Laughing, I asked, “What are you doing? Didn’t I just leave you?”

“It’s okay. Your parents aren’t home.” He smiled up at me.

I giggled. “True…but still, what are you doing?” I wondered if my expression matched my confusion because I couldn’t help but smile as I saw Jack standing there, ready to steal my heart one more time.

“I’m serenading you.”

Is he for real?
This was like something out of a movie. A boy throws pebbles at a girl’s window—the girl leans out to find her true love serenading her—it was so romantic. Despite the very intimate moment we had just shared at Jack’s house, this moment may have surpassed it in the romance factor. It was truly the most adorable thing anyone had ever done for me.

The truth still remained. I was leaving for college the next day and as I thought of that fact, my heart sunk. Up until Jack arrived at my window with his guitar, I couldn’t stop thinking about whether our relationship would survive the distance. Thirteen hundred miles was a long distance to place between two young lovers.
Mom is wrong
. I knew Jack was my true love—I had just met him at the wrong place and time. I couldn’t imagine any other “Jack” in my life but the one I saw standing in front of me. In the time I had come to know him and fall in love, the fact remained—Jack wouldn’t be the same guy if I had met him anywhere but here in my Blue River.

He broke into song and I melted. I couldn’t stop the tingle in my stomach nor did I want it to stop. I ran for my camera and put the setting on rapid to capture at least twenty photos of Jack singing to me. Maybe I would create a flip-book and replay this moment over and over as a silent movie while I was at college. Just as Jack neared the end of his serenade, rain began to sprinkle.

“Jack, it’s raining! Come inside! I’ll meet you at the door,” I yelled down to him.

He smiled and took off in a race for the front of the house. By the time I grabbed some towels and reached the front door, he was already rounding the corner. The rain began to fall a little harder.

“You’re such a goofball,” I said, taking his guitar to the safety of the porch swing.

As I handed him a towel, he said, “Goofball? Why I do declare Miss Addy, yur pickin’ up on them there Montana words!” He threw a near-Southern accent into his voice.

“Montanans don’t have southern accents, Jack.”

“They do on TV.” We both laughed because it was true. Whenever a movie was set in Montana, they gave the characters southern accents and although it didn’t make sense, it was certainly comical.

“Come here, beautiful,” he said, tossing the towel aside. He pulled me by both hands from the security of my covered porch. “You have to experience this.”

We were now standing in the rain on my parent’s front lawn. He tilted his face toward the sky and stretched out his arms and I could tell he wanted me to mirror his actions.

“Doesn’t it feel great!” exclaimed Jack.

“Getting soaked? I hardly think so.” I tried to shield my head from the rain with my arms, but I was still getting wet.

“Feel it, Addy—fresh, clean Montana rain!”

He truly loved this and out of love for him, I followed suit. I soaked it in and I had to admit it did feel good. It was warm rain that was clean; rain that hadn’t tried to fight its way through a layer of pollution. I got lost in the moment until I felt Jack’s arms around me. I began to shiver and I wasn’t even cold.

“You look cute,” said Jack, smiling down at me.

“You sure say that a lot.”

“I sure mean it a lot.”

“Oh, I’m sure I look real cute. I’m dripping wet and wearing my pajamas! Let’s go inside.” I tried to pull him with me.

He stopped me and pulled me back to him. “Wait! Addy, I have a confession.” Jack paused briefly. He was clearly gathering up the courage for something he felt was important; it was something far more important than giving me a gift. “I don’t want you to go. Please don’t leave.”

“What?”

“Don’t go. Stay here for college. I can’t stand the thought of not sharing every moment of every single day with you.”

I was speechless as we stood face-to-face. He had already made this request of me in the earlier months but we hadn’t resolved it. Instead, I swept it under the rug and hoped it would resolve itself. I knew all along it wouldn’t get resolved. We swore we would talk about it again later—after Valentine’s Day—and knowing Jack, I should have expected such a straight forward plea.

“Jack…” I took a step back. “I…I don’t know what to say. You know I have to go. My bags are packed, the tuition is paid, and I have my airline ticket. You know I leave on Flight 158 tomorrow. I’m in college now, Jack.” I knew I was hurting him but we both knew this day would come. “Please be happy for me—please?” Ignoring the lump in my throat, I insisted, “We’ll make this work, okay? We’ll email every day. Thank God you got a computer! And if you could do me that favor of getting a cell phone, we can text and call each other every day. We’ll figure this out. I promise.” At this point, I was begging for his understanding and support.

The look of acceptance reached his eyes and he offered a lopsided smile. “I feel like George from Our Town. Do you think your parents will let me grieve in your bedroom since you’re not dead and there’s not a grave?” We both laughed small, pitiful laughs.

“I’m sure my dad would.”

I could tell he had come to say what he had to say and if it went his way great, if not, he would live with my decision. He took a step to close the gap between us. In a half-hearted effort to hold him back, I placed one hand on his chest. His face was nearing my face while his lips were nearing mine.

“You’re making this difficult,” I whispered.

“That’s the general idea,” he whispered back. “Please, just one last moment. Let us have one last kiss before you leave.”

His eyes were as eager as his lips. He kissed me passionately and with equal passion I kissed back. The rain was now a downpour. We stood embracing one another, drenched with rain and emotion.

He pulled back. “One last thing, I’ve been too embarrassed to give this to you, but now I have to. They’re all about you.” He pulled a CD from his back pocket then handed it to me. I took it and looked down at the title
—“Addy’s Songs.”
I was so flattered I couldn’t even speak.

He moved his lips to my ear and whispered, “I love you, Addy.” My skin prickled. He hadn’t said those exact words earlier and hearing them was far more thrilling than I had imagined it would be. It by far surpassed the jump off The Cliffs. It was the best rush I had ever experienced in my entire life. I wasn’t sure if he was afraid of my response, or lack of response, but he simply turned and ran to his Jeep. When he was safely out of earshot I whispered, “I love you, too, Jack.”

I stood in the rain and watched him drive away. He reached the end of the driveway and turned right, disappearing into the darkness. I walked back up to the porch and sat on the swing feeling dazed. After being such a baby about moving to Montana one year ago, I now sat on a swing of a farm-style house almost wishing I could stay. I had just heard the words, “I love you” from Jack.
What am I thinking? Why am I so stubborn all the time?
Jack is right—I’m difficult. No, I’m Emily from Our Town—I was letting moments pass me by and now I was going to leave without Jack knowing how important he was to me—without him knowing I loved him, too. I was already writing My Blue River—starring me, the one who screws up everything in my life.

Just as lightening flashed in the distance, a realization flashed within me.
I can’t leave this way
. I ran inside to the key rack, grabbed my keys and ran back outside through the pouring rain, slid into my truck and started it, speeding away in the direction of the Cooper’s house. Once I reached their driveway, I picked up even more speed. Despite the fact my heart was about to explode and I was soaking wet, I knew I had to do this before I lost my nerve and before thirteen hundred miles lay between us. I needed to do it while we could be face-to-face.

I practically fell out of my truck, stopping to grab small pebbles from the driveway. I then ran to find Jack’s bedroom window. I tossed the pebbles, missing the first couple of tries.
Who knew throwing pebbles at a window could be so hard?
Finally, a pebble connected but there was no response. I tossed another pebble, which connected, too. This time a light flicked on and Jack looked out the curtain. He opened the window and leaned out.

“What in the heck are you doing?” he asked. “Didn’t I just leave you?”

“It’s okay. Your parents aren’t home.” We both laughed at our replay from moments ago. I continued on in a rush, “I wish I could say I’m serenading you! But I’m not! All I can say is….I LOVE YOU, TOO!” I yelled loud and clear.

He didn’t respond to my words but rather quickly turned and left the window. Before long, he was coming around the corner of the house. He had a huge smile and was running in my direction. When he reached me, he scooped me up and spun me around.

He declared, “You just made my night—no, my life.” He kissed me full on the mouth.

********

I awakened the next morning with a sense of dread. I used to fantasize that my departure from Blue River, Montana would be full of music and a parade, maybe even a ticker tape. I had imagined the excitement I felt when I left would be enough to fly me back to California without an airplane. And yet here I sat, having one last moment in my bedroom. Slowly, throughout the last year, my pictures of California had been replaced by pictures of Jack, Claire, last year’s summer blow out party at the lake, the wild horses Jack took me to see, specifically for me to take pictures, wildflowers, Jack at The Beach, Jack in the school play, Jack at graduation, and us at the prom. More and more there were pictures of Jack instead of anything or anyone from California. I took one last look around almost unable to believe how much my bedroom had changed—how much
I
had changed.

My life in Montana had come to matter to me more than I could have ever expected and yet my life still needed to head in the direction I had always planned. I was no longer certain if I was doing this for me or for my mom, but either way, I was leaving my little “one horse town.” I would also leave without Claire, who in less than a month, was going to be a mommy instead of a college student. I shook my head in disbelief. Even after all this time, I couldn’t believe that she was having a baby. My thoughts jumped to how close Jack and I had come to making love last night. I felt a twinge of regret that we hadn’t, and yet, I knew that it wouldn’t have been the right choice for a number of reasons.

I picked up my bags and left my room, choking back tears. I would be brave and leave Blue River slightly less tough than when I had arrived. I met my dad on the stairs but couldn’t bring myself to look into his eyes. I decided to just hand him one of my suitcases versus risking any eye contact. He knew better than to ask how I was feeling. He had come to know my feelings for Jack and knew I was miserable. Daddy’s little princess was about to leave her prince, causing her to crumble into a million tiny pieces, like a shattered glass slipper.

Conversely, Mom was puttering around downstairs totally bright and bubbly. She was beyond giddy that her baby girl was off to college; off to her alma mater no less. I now wished she was a weeping mother unable to bear her baby girl going off to college and living on her own. I secretly hoped she would change her mind and beg me to stay.
Mom, please beg me to go to a Montana college.