Mr. Darcy and the Secret of Becoming a Gentleman (38 page)

As his face registered her answer, he said, “Then we must have your hair down. I have wanted to see it loose on your shoulders since the day you walked to Netherfield and I saw you on the lawn.”

“Even then?”

“Oh, yes.”

Wetting her lips, she slowly reached up and undid the pins in her hair. Her full, brown locks cascaded down her back and framed her face to enhance her natural beauty. Once her hair was down, he reached over, pulled some of the curls apart, and carefully arranged them on her shoulders. He then ran the tip of his index finger down her jaw and traced a line from under her chin to her collarbone. “You are so very beautiful,” adding in a whisper, “You take my breath away.” He then leaned forward until his lips met hers. The sensation was exquisite.

As they kissed, she became lost to all other sensations. His mouth began to tease her, moving from her lips to her neck and back again. He then returned to her lips and explored her mouth with his tongue in a manner that was both delicate and overpowering. He stopped for a moment to look at her. Her eyes were half closed, and her lips full and glistening. “I need to make sure that I am not dreaming,” he confessed.

“As do I,” she replied.

He waited for a moment and asked, “Elizabeth, may I bring you to my bed?”

While she knew that this was where they were headed, she suddenly felt overwhelmingly nervous. “Yes,” she whispered, “but I do not know…”

“Elizabeth, I will expect nothing. Your presence here is a gift.” He then buried his fingers in her hair and pulled his hands through its length. Engrossed by the silky texture of her curls and the colors that were reflected in it from the fire, he continued for a moment to examine her tresses in the light before returning to her mouth, lightly brushing his lips back and forth. He then rested his gaze on her again and whispered. “We need not do anything that you are not comfortable with, but if you are willing, we could begin by discovering each other. We will touch each other, in order to feel all there is to feel of each other's bodies. Have you not had some curiosity about me? I will admit to having an overwhelming curiosity about every part of you. I would like to see all of you, to touch you everywhere, but if you are not ready, that is fine, too.”

Her breathing was so rapid that she struggled to reply. In a gesture of embarrassment, she looked down as she quietly said, “I would like to touch your curls, to feel them in my hands.”

Darcy put his hand under her chin and tilted her head back so that she was now looking at him. With a smile that fully displayed his dimples, he said, “Then please do.”

As she reached up to run her hands through his hair, he closed his eyes and swayed under her ministrations. He eventually opened his eyes and asked, “Is that all you have wondered?”

Their gazes locked, and his intense stare emboldened her. “I suppose I would like to see you without your shirt on.”

At her words, he smiled ever so slightly and moved to stand up. He then reached down and pulled her to her feet. As they stood facing each other, he leaned down to kiss her. When they broke apart, he led her to his bed. As she stood looking at it, he slipped his arms around her from behind and began to kiss the sensitive area behind her ear. It was now her turn to sway as he continued his assault on her neck. He then circled around her and sat on the bed, pulling her to stand between his knees. She rested her hands on his shoulders and surveyed the fine features of his face as he looked up at her. Without breaking their gaze, he began to untie the top of his shirt and then pulled it off over his head.

As he sat there with his chest exposed, he gently pulled her onto his lap, and they began to kiss. Her hands were tentative at first, but soon began to caress the taut planes of his shoulders and back. She could not help but be fascinated by his masculinity and began to trace the pattern of his hair on his chest. Passion soon ruled them, and their kisses turned all-consuming. She felt bereft of his lips when he pulled away to whisper, “Elizabeth, may I see you?”

Darcy saw her nod imperceptibly and kissed her with renewed fervor. He then slowly began to untie her nightdress. The anticipation of his exploration washed Elizabeth in desire. When he had her dress open, he slowly slid his hand inside it and began to caress her breast. Upon contact, they both sighed, and the sound of it made them look up at each other in surprise. Elizabeth could not help but smile at their mutual shock in finding themselves thus engaged. Her infectious expression, in turn, made him smile, and his smile made her laugh.

“Elizabeth, I think you are the only woman in the world who could drive me wild with passion and laugh at me at the same time.”

“It is not that I find you amusing at this moment, quite the contrary. It is just that while I know how we got here, I cannot but be amazed at the voyage.”

“Yes, I understand. I cannot tell you… This is so… Having you here is a dream come true…” Adding in a more playful tone, as he began to gently bite her earlobe, “But… if you do not mind… I have many more destinations I would like to navigate… So if you must laugh at me, be forewarned that I will exact my revenge one way or another.” With that, he slid her nightdress off her shoulders and let it fall to the ground. He then began to tease her breasts in the most exquisite manner.

Despite the rapturous feeling he was producing in her, her exposure made her uncomfortable, and she instinctively moved up against him to hide herself. Darcy would have none of it and leaned back to get a better view of her. With his eyes alight with passion, he said, “Do not be ashamed, Elizabeth. You are so beautiful. I want to look at you. We must have no embarrassment. It should be just you and me with no boundaries between us. I want to worship you. But you must share yourself with me first.”

His words had a dizzying effect on her. The feel of his hands on her and his mouth on her neck was too much to resist. At that moment, she surrendered herself to him. She moved back off his lap to lie on the bed in full view. He followed her as a man possessed. Kneeling over her, he murmured, “Elizabeth, oh, Elizabeth,” and looked upon her with reverence. “I love you so completely.”

By the rooster's first crow, he awoke alone with only a hint of her scent and a set of discarded hairpins to confirm it was not a dream.

Pemberley and Beyond

Elizabeth awoke and instinctively reached toward the other side of the bed to find the source of warmth that had given her profound joy since her marriage. To her consternation, she found the bed empty. She rose and, after donning a robe, walked to the center of the room where she found a breakfast tray with her favorite fruits and a note written in an elegant hand. Darcy had awoken early to see that everything was prepared for their trip to Hertfordshire and was hesitant to wake her given the long journey before them. She smiled at his thoughtfulness and was reminded of the first time she had awoken to a similar sight.

It had been almost five months ago. Elizabeth had returned to her room after that fateful night in London where they had anticipated their wedding vows. Despite her exhaustion at having returned only moments before dawn, sleep would not find her. She tossed and turned with regret. Before she had entered Darcy's room, it had seemed the right thing to do, and once there, their time together had been exquisite. The night had been one of slow discovery. As they made love for the first time, she realized how very little she actually knew of marital relations, but it was afterward, as they lay contentedly together, gently caressing each other, that she came to understand how limited her knowledge was of a man's body and, more importantly, how little she knew of her own. The surprising combination of his gentle regard for her feelings and his eagerness to have her experience everything left her satiated and dizzy with admiration of him—his beautiful body, his piercing gaze, his exquisite touch, and his refusal to let them be anything but open and honest with each other despite her moments of awkwardness and reserve. Her astonishment was all the more complete when he made it clear that he intended to repeat the act with even greater attention to detail.

As sunrise approached, they alternately reminded each other that it was time for her to go. After another round of kisses and murmured endearments at his door, Darcy took both her hands in his and kissed them reverently. After he finished, he held her in such a steady and intense gaze that it gave her the courage to leave. She smiled tenderly in return, held her head up, and nodded her adieu.

Once in her room and devoid of his reassurances, she began to feel an overwhelming sense of panic over her actions. Years of being taught that what she had just done was never to be done could not be ignored. Her dismay over her actions rapidly led to anxiety over what Darcy thought of her coming to his room in the first place. She knew that, presented with such an opportunity, it was not unexpected that he would be willing to follow her into folly, but she wondered how he would judge her provocative behavior in hindsight. She drifted into a fitful sleep and awoke feeling worse. As her eyesight focused on the table beside her bed, she saw that it held a breakfast tray with a note addressed to her. Recognizing the handwriting, she eagerly broke the seal.

My Dearest Elizabeth,

I wanted this letter to greet you when you awoke, since I will not be able to perform that most enviable task myself. Watching you leave this morning was one of the more difficult things I have ever done, yet I would not change an instant of our time together. You have made me the happiest of men. While I learned long ago that I should cherish every moment I am able to spend with you, I cannot but hope that the next few weeks will somehow pass quickly so that we need never be separated like this again. I know what you think of poets' pretensions, but you must allow me to tell you how deeply I love you. I have never in my life before felt so affected. The communion we shared seems to have relieved me of what feels to be a lifetime of loneliness. I knew that our life together would afford us an intimacy that would bind us as a couple, but I underestimated the depth of the attachment. I will never again think of my future except as it is intertwined with yours. My separate life has ended, and our future together has begun. Your happiness will always be paramount to me, as you have already shown me how important mine is to you. Of this you have my pledge.

After you left, I felt bereft without you. I craved your touch, your smile, and your tenderness. As I waited here for the morning to come so that I could see you again, I began to worry that you would regret our conduct. But then I thought of your strength of character and the wisdom that you have always shown regarding the honesty upon which we have built our relationship. You have taught me through your actions how to love without reserve or concern for oneself, and that has been your greatest gift to me. I can only hope that over time I can prove to you that my love is worthy of your reciprocation. For now, I must simply wait here for time to tick more rapidly so that I may see you again.

Yours in every way, F.D.

Elizabeth put down the letter with her heart full. His belief in her—his belief in her love for him—gave her strength. Their journey together had taken many twists and turns, and last night was one more change of course, for better or for worse. What mattered though was that she loved him and that he loved her. They would always be together, and if their love for each other had developed in an unconventional manner, she could never regret the results. However they had gotten to this moment in time did not matter as much as the fact that they were here now together. She suddenly felt able to face the day, no matter what it would bring, and rang for the maid to prepare her bath.

She soaked for several minutes, comforted and buoyed by his letter, now free to recollect all of the feelings and emotions that he had elicited from her during their night together, and bask in the sensations that he had created. Given her lack of sleep, she could not help but close her eyes and let her emotions wash over her.

Elizabeth was startled from her musing by the sound of her maid answering a knock on the door. If the maid thought it irregular, she kept it to herself and returned with a letter addressed to Elizabeth.

“Excuse me, miss, but Mrs. Larsen just brought this for you. The master wanted to let you know of a change in plans and asked that it be delivered to you immediately.”

“Thank you. I… Thank you.”

If Elizabeth was surprised and comforted by Darcy's first letter, his second letter left her confused.

My Loveliest Elizabeth,

As I listen to the sounds of the house awakening, ever anxious for the time when you will be able to join me, I cannot help but be concerned. While I cherish every moment I have spent with you, I cannot help but see how selfish I have been. I hope that you do not regret too dearly what I have done. I realize now that you may view my actions very differently in the cold light of day and that my first letter may have presumed far too much. I know how generous your nature is and how willing you have been to forgive my transgressions in the past, but I fear that I have overstepped the bounds from which even your charitable heart can forgive. Nonetheless, I must ask, no, beg your forgiveness. As I humbly await you, I promise that in the future I will do everything in my power to make myself worthy of your love and your respect.

Yours in every way, F.D.

As Elizabeth dressed, she could not help but wonder at his letters. His previous reassurance had calmed her and given her strength. His sudden concern over her reaction unnerved her. While she was touched by his distress, she was more alarmed about what the loss of his resolve augured. As she tried to understand what had caused his change of heart, she was struck by the realization that he was simply as nervous as she was and as unsure over how to proceed as she had been. Rather than let his confusion spread to her or make her rethink her own resolve, his insecurity made her smile.

As she resumed dressing, she tried to rehearse what she would say to him. Her responses would, of course, depend on who was present. If Jane or Georgiana were already in attendance, perhaps she could ask him to take a stroll with her after they ate. It would be a little forward of her, but she did not think that either lady would hold her informality against her. As she looked at the hour, she became fearful that he might already have finished his breakfast and become occupied with appointments. Rushing to finish, she was preparing to go downstairs when she heard another knock at the door. It was a footman with yet another letter.

My Loveliest Elizabeth,

I am sorry to bother you again, but I cannot help but wonder when you will be coming to breakfast. I do not mean to rush you. I am just so concerned and will not rest until I am able to see you again. Please forgive me.

Yours in every way, F.D.

After reading his last letter, Elizabeth could not help but laugh out loud. The sway of her own emotions had greatly troubled her, but in seeing the tumult of his thoughts through the progression of his three letters, she had to laugh at the circumstances they both found themselves in. Apparently, he was in more turmoil than she.

As she came to the bottom of the stairs, she heard Mr. Bingley, Miss Bingley, and Mrs. Hurst being announced. The hope of a private tête-à-tête was dashed. As she entered, she saw Darcy standing at the head of the table, greeting his guests. He turned immediately to her. His gaze felt as intense as she had ever experienced, but to someone less attuned to his mood, his words sounded controlled and easy. “Miss Bennet, good morning. I hope you slept well.”

“Yes, sir, thank you.” After Elizabeth made her acknowledgments to the rest of the party, she moved to the far end of the table. When she had entered, there had been an unoccupied seat to Darcy's right, but Miss Bingley had quickly usurped that station. Seeing that Elizabeth intended to sit at the other end of the table where the only remaining seats could be found, Darcy moved with alacrity to pull her chair out for her. As he leaned close to her to push it in, she felt the tickle of his breath on her neck. She looked up at him, and he returned her gaze with a faint contrite smile. As their eyes met, he seemed to be communicating his regret, his adoration, and his concern. Having tarried longer than was appropriate, he then, to her surprise, took the seat next to her, despite the fact that he already had a place setting at the head of the table. Whether his actions were consciously done or not, he now seemed to slowly comprehend the import of his position and awkwardly looked to where he had left his plate.

Before he could react, Elizabeth rose to the sideboard and returned with two cups and saucers. She then brought the coffeepot. “Mr. Darcy, would you like some coffee?”

“Thank you. Indeed I would.” His reply was innocuous, but the real gratitude that the tone of his words conveyed was not lost upon her. As she gracefully poured his cup and then her own, she smiled at him with such genuine warmth that he became transfixed. As he watched her performing such a domestic task intended solely for his comfort, his anxiety began to melt and he was able to see her as she was last night: giving, intensely beautiful, and his own.

After exchanging a knowing glance, she asked with an impertinent smile, “I saw when I arrived that you had the paper. What news is there of the troubles in France?”

As Elizabeth sat at Pemberley, with the note Darcy had placed on her breakfast tray that morning, she could not help but think of all of the thoughtful letters he had left her since they had married. It had become his habit to do so whenever he was unable to be with her when she awoke. Over time, their mornings together had come to hold a special significance, and he always regretted when circumstances forced his absence.

On the eve of her wedding, Elizabeth had worried that, having already consummated their relationship on two separate occasions, their wedding night might be anticlimactic. She now had to laugh at her naïveté. She had found that marital relations improved with practice, not diminished. The wedding had been beautiful. Sharing it with Jane and Bingley had made it all the more joyous.

Darcy and Elizabeth had spent their first night as husband and wife at his townhouse in London. In the morning, Elizabeth lazily awoke as Darcy answered the discreet knock at the door. He quickly instructed the maid to give him the breakfast tray that he had ordered and dismissed her. She seemed momentarily confused that he did not want her to enter the room to set out the contents of the tray, but then blushed in understanding, curtseyed, and departed. As Elizabeth wrapped herself in a sheet, she inquired as to his intentions.

“This was very thoughtful of you, Fitzwilliam, but will we not be going downstairs for breakfast, or do you plan to serve me yourself?”

With a mischievous smile that she had come to adore, Darcy prepared her a cup of tea and replied, “Perhaps I could serve you, and then you could serve me?” Lying on the bed, he then leisurely explained, “After having to endure the good wishes of so many people yesterday, I do not intend to share your company with even the servants, and I see no reason to leave this bed so impetuously. Having previously been deprived of waking with you, I do not intend to squander any of our first morning together.”

Raising her eyebrows innocently, she asked, “Am I to have no say in the matter?”

With a challenging smile, he replied, “As to this, none. I have quite set my mind on the course of the day. I thought we would both need some sustenance, so I ordered this food. We will, of course, periodically need more nourishment, but I think that anything that we would require could easily be fetched here for us. Otherwise, we are to see no one and do nothing in particular, other than that which inspiration provides.” He then swept an appreciative look over her sheet-draped body.

Laughing, she asked, “Are we not to bathe or dress?”

“Dressing seems foolish, but, yes, we are to bathe, and I have a specific plan as to that as well. But we will come to that in good time. For now you should eat. Let me feed you a scone. I made sure that we had your favorite preserves. I think you will find it more than satisfactory.”

As he moved to her side to serve her, she began to laugh at his earnest attempts to feed her little bits of scone and jam. He was so serious in the performance of his task that it made her giggle, which in turn made his job all the harder. After a moment, he stopped, looked at her appraisingly, and in a voice deep with passion said, “Elizabeth, you have a tiny drop of jam on your lip; let me attend to it.” As he began languidly to nibble her lip, her scone was quickly forgotten.