Mr. Darcy and the Secret of Becoming a Gentleman (12 page)

“I am not sure I can agree with you about the efficacy of an apology, but I will take to heart the insight that our families are more alike in some regards than not.”

Surprised by his statement, Elizabeth quickly glanced up at him to see him staring intently at her. Embarrassed by the exchange, she then looked away.

“I should also say,” continued Darcy, “that her visit is what prompted mine. I came because I was worried that my aunt might have given rise to a misunderstanding about my intentions toward Miss Bennet. After talking to Bingley about it, I thought the most honorable course was to come here with him to make plain that there was no substance to any rumor of the kind. I apologize if, in the process, my presence has made you uncomfortable.”

Elizabeth looked away, slowly formulating her answer. She then looked him in the eye and said, “Since you have been honest, I will take the liberty of being so too, even at the risk of giving offense. While I might have thought a visit from you would have made us both very uncomfortable, your help inside just now made me feel quite the opposite. I truly appreciate the effort you have shown in coming here under these circumstances.” Looking significantly at Jane and Bingley, Elizabeth added, “I think we are both united toward the same goal.”

“Yes, I quite agree.”

He was rewarded with a smile. Elizabeth then added, “I must say, I was quite impressed at the way you handled my mother's inquiries. I think she does not know what to make of you.”

Unsure how to respond to such a statement, Darcy simply smiled in return. After a pause, Elizabeth asked, “Your aunt, though, must have been relieved to hear that the rumor about my sister was not true?”

“Actually, I do not think my aunt was at all pleased with our visit. It was a conversation long overdue, and I think she is unaccustomed to not getting her way.”

With a quizzical look, Elizabeth asked, “But you must have let her know that she need not fear an alliance between you and Jane?”

“Yes, I did make that abundantly clear. But my aunt will never be satisfied until she is able to arrange every detail to her liking, and I had to disappoint her in that regard. I think our relationship will be in disrepair until she can accept that I am my only master.”

Blushing at having elicited such a personal response, Elizabeth hastily added, “I am sorry, sir; I did not mean to pry. You owe me no explanation.”

“No, I… it is I who have overburdened you with the workings of my family. I would suggest that we return to the house, but I think Mr. Bingley would think it too soon.”

Relieved to have lightened the air, Elizabeth smiled broadly and said, “Yes, I think you are quite perceptive in that regard.”

“If I do not ask too much, maybe you could give me that tour of the garden that you mentioned?”

Elizabeth blushed, tentatively took his offered arm, and agreed. As she pointed out the various trees and plants, Darcy listened with rapt attention, reveling in the feel of her hand on his arm. He asked a few questions, which she answered cheerfully, and they then fell into a companionable silence.

As they walked on, Darcy thought about all that had transpired this morning. It seemed evident, even from a distance, that Jane and Bingley were deep in conversation. He hoped that this interlude would provide them with the opportunity to resolve their differences. Watching them now, he understood the wisdom of Jane's decision. She had not granted Bingley permission to attempt a second chance because a true second chance should be earned, not bestowed. Bingley needed to show her his continued affections in order to begin to overcome her reservation about his family's disapproval. If she had taken the lead, as he had urged, then she would never have been certain about the strength of Bingley's resolve. Instead, she left it up to the natural flow of events. While her approach was far more risky in securing her own happiness, in the end it would be a much more satisfying basis upon which to build a future.

In a different way, the same logic applied to his situation. He could not lie to himself when Elizabeth was on his arm. He still wanted her, now more than ever. But he had been debating whether she would ever grant him a second chance. He now understood that the question was meaningless. He needed to earn a second chance, not be given one. He felt fairly certain that despite her slightly improved estimation of him, she still objected to his manners and thought him uncivil and inconsiderate. He could not expect her to forgive his past misdeeds, because they were indefensible. What he needed was for her to see that he had changed because of her and that he could strive to be worthy of her regard in the future. The only way to demonstrate civility was to practice it. He resolved, then and there, that he would do exactly that. He certainly had nothing to lose. In his last two encounters with her, he had kept her remonstrations at the forefront of his mind and attempted to act accordingly. As a result, she had endured his presence more graciously than she ever had during the previous fall or during all their time together in Kent. Dizzy with the feel of her so close, the course ahead suddenly seemed clear. He would prove to her that he had changed.

As they rejoined Jane and Bingley, Darcy spoke first: “Charles, I think we should not overstay our welcome.”

“Yes, Darcy, of course.” Bingley then solemnly turned to Jane and asked, “Miss Bennet, may I have the privilege of calling tomorrow?”

Keeping her head bowed, Jane quietly said, “Yes, thank you.”

Darcy then turned to Jane. “Miss Bennet, it is a pleasure to see you again.”

“Thank you, Mr. Darcy; I do hope we will have an opportunity to talk again soon. I did so value our last discussion. Will you be staying long in the neighborhood?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact, I believe I will here for a while. I look forward to seeing you again.” Jane returned his compliment with a gracious smile. Darcy waited until Bingley had made his adieu to Elizabeth, and then stood before her and said, “Miss Bennet, thank you for such an enjoyable visit.” He then smiled at her as he bowed and took his leave.

Enlightenment

On Sunday, the gentlemen attended church. Bingley and Darcy tarried by the door, each hoping to see a certain lady. Bingley's hopes were soon answered as Jane arrived with her mother and her three youngest sisters. Bingley greeted them warmly. Mrs. Bennet was still torn as to whom she should bestow with the greater part of her attentions. Mr. Darcy had more to offer, but Mr. Bingley had visited three times already since his arrival in Hertfordshire. Mr. Bingley took the lead, exchanging pleasantries with both Jane and Mrs. Bennet. Darcy, who was disappointed that Elizabeth was not with them and afraid to inquire after her, spoke barely a few words. The women eventually bid them a good day and took their seats in one of the front pews.

Darcy scanned the churchyard one more time before entering the church. He told himself that he was searching for Elizabeth because he was concerned that she might be ill. But if he was honest with himself, his concern and disappointment went deeper. During his last visit to Longbourn, he had vowed to do everything in his power to show Elizabeth that he could change, but he knew there would be few opportunities to see her, let alone engage her in conversation. He knew visiting Longbourn was not an option, and with none of Bingley's sisters in attendance at Netherfield, his friend would not be entertaining guests. Church seemed an ideal neutral territory, but as the final bell chimed, he resigned himself to the fact that she was not coming.

As the men took their seats at the back of the church, Darcy could not help but smile at Bingley's improved countenance. After he and Bingley had returned from their visit to Longbourn, Bingley's emotions had swung to dramatic extremes. Bingley thought that Jane had received him well enough on their first encounter, but worried that she was only being polite. While they were alone in the garden, Bingley had apologized for his abrupt departure in the fall. He decided not to mention his sisters' misdeeds, as he worried that it might only serve to put Jane on her guard and it did not fully explain his failure to ardently court her. She graciously accepted his apology, but he detected hesitation. He then changed the subject in an attempt to bring them back to their prior familiarity. On their walk, they spoke of many things and nothing in particular. When he took his leave, she granted him permission to call the next day. On the ride back to Netherfield, he viewed the exchange positively. But by nightfall, the events of the day had taken on a different tenor, and he began to find fault with the bulk of his behavior and ominous significance in all of Jane's reactions.

He left the next morning for Longbourn, sure of his disappointment. Darcy watched him go with mixed emotions. He once again wished Bingley every success, but felt irrationally dejected that he could not accompany him. Darcy knew that his visit might be misinterpreted, but the knowledge did not stop him from wanting to see Elizabeth again. Bingley came home buoyed by his reception. Throughout the visit, Jane had listened to him with interest, and while she did not do anything overt, he could sense that she was happy to see him. At the end of his visit, as he again walked with her in the garden, Bingley decided to speak directly. He told her that he knew that his sisters had caused her discomfiture in the past and that it was his fault for not seeing it. He vowed that it would never happen again. He paused and gathered his courage, and then told her that her happiness was his foremost concern. Jane blushingly looked away as she thanked him for his apology. As she turned back to look at him, their eyes locked in unspoken intensity. After several minutes, Bingley finally broke into a wide grin that infectiously spread to Jane. At that moment, as she smiled back at him, he knew the distance had been bridged.

The next day, Bingley again visited Longbourn, and Jane received him with ease. No new ground was gained, but the couple fell into a comfortable pattern that Bingley thought boded well for their future. That night, after he had fully recounted his tale to Darcy, Bingley was finally able to put his own mind sufficiently at ease to start to think of someone else's concerns. With the help of a little brandy, Bingley set about his task and slowly broached the subject of how Darcy's time alone with Elizabeth in the garden had gone. After some initial evasiveness, Darcy told him that it was not as uncomfortable as it could have been. He knew, however, that it would be foolish to read too much into her reaction, as he still had a long way to go to gain her forgiveness. As the conversation turned more serious, Bingley urged Darcy to stay on at Netherfield indefinitely. Darcy thanked Bingley but was noncommittal about a departure date. In the end, he would only confirm that he intended to stay for church on Sunday and determine his plans after that. He had hoped that seeing Elizabeth today would help him fashion those plans. As the service began, he now knew that his wish would not be granted.

Darcy's sullen mood was somewhat improved by the words of the elderly clergyman. He was surprised at how engaging the man's message was and soon became focused on it. The minister spoke of the relative burden each human is consigned to carry and that happiness in life requires each person to be continually cognizant of the size of his own tribulations in comparison to those less fortunate. Darcy took the minister's words to heart. While his life was incomplete without Elizabeth, he knew he had many more blessings than most and that he would be a wretched creature if he did not appreciate them. As the minister preached the importance of setting aside one's own desires to help those in need, Darcy contemplated his own actions in that regard. The Darcys, as a family, had always been generous. His father had taught him at a very young age that their wealth carried with it the responsibility to help others whenever possible. Determining, however, what was possible and what was enough was an ongoing battle for Darcy.

If his attention had not been caught by the cleric's words, he might have noticed the lady who had slipped into the pew behind him. Elizabeth had awoken earlier than usual that Sunday morning and had gone for an amble through the countryside in order to avoid her mother's constant fluttering about Jane's marriage prospects. She left word that she would walk to church and meet them there. But once she was out in the fresh morning air, she lost sight of the time. Seeing that the service had already begun, she opted to grab a seat quickly in the back rather than disturb the congregation by marching to the front to claim her usual place with her family. After sliding in as quietly as she could, she looked around to acknowledge her immediate neighbors. She was startled to see that she had taken a seat directly behind Mr. Darcy. While initially mortified that she might appear to be seeking out his company, she soon accepted her fate. It seemed totally natural that his physical presence would be unavoidable, since the intricacies of his character had been at the forefront of her mind for some time.

Despite her good intentions to ignore his presence, she could not help but watch him as he listened to the sermon. Her old defensiveness immediately sprang to life as she studied Darcy's posture to detect any sign that he found her minister, an old and dear family friend, insufficient to the task of preaching to a man of his station. She watched to see if he found Reverend Fischer's expressive style too colloquial and his mannerisms too reminiscent of the archetypical country preacher. She thought that, if Mr. Darcy did discount the good reverend on those grounds, the loss would be his, since she knew that the reverend's simple and direct manner masked a keen intellect and that his oratorical style was by design meant to challenge without confrontation. To her surprise, Mr. Darcy appeared to be listening with rapt attention. Unwilling at first to give Mr. Darcy credit, she thought to herself that it was actually impossible for anyone to tell if someone else was paying attention based solely on outside appearances. She looked around to confirm this, but was surprised to see that all of the people she examined were obviously less interested in the service than Mr. Darcy. Bingley was clearly disengaged, as he spent an inordinate amount of time glancing in Jane's direction. Her mother's actions obviously betrayed her boredom, as she seemed fascinated by the lace cuff of her gown. As she looked at John Lucas, she was surprised to see that he was already looking in her direction and was trying to catch her eye. She ignored him and then glanced around the room. To her chagrin, she saw that most of her neighbors looked less than interested, while Mr. Darcy continued to pay close attention.

The exercise was sobering. It made her realize that she still habitually thought the worst of Mr. Darcy without any evidence to support her rash judgments. Had she learned nothing from her unquestioning acceptance of Mr. Wickham's falsehood? She thought her behavior particularly unchristian, especially within the walls of her childhood parish, and vowed to try to see Mr. Darcy for what he was, and not based on old, inaccurate prejudices. In retrospect, she thought it quite odd that she had made such a snap judgment of him, as he now seemed to be one of the most complex men she had ever met.

His behavior since returning to Hertfordshire seemed at every turn to contradict all her prior knowledge of him. On occasion, he still exhibited a decisive and somewhat proud manner that brooked no opposition. But she now recognized that his pride was not his only personality trait and that, on occasions, his unyielding demeanor was an asset. He had used it with her mother to great advantage, and she thought it must have been all the more necessary when he spoke to his aunt. She admired that he had the strength of character to stand up to both women. She wished her father exhibited some of the same resolve when dealing with her mother and her younger sisters, even if it was considered high-handed. Interactions with some individuals required as much.

But it was not just her sudden understanding of Mr. Darcy's harder side that required her to reassess her judgment of him. It was the discovery that a softer side existed. His letter to her, which was kinder than could be expected, stood out, as did his treatment of Jane. His return to Hertfordshire to squelch any rumors about his rejection of her showed a sense of honor and thoughtfulness that she could not help but value. His willingness to suffer various humiliations at her mother's hands in order to aid Jane and Mr. Bingley's reconciliation was also unexpected and appreciated. As a matter of fact, his dutifulness in that regard was almost beyond the pale, and it made her wonder why he continued to stay in the neighborhood. Clearly Mr. Bingley was well on the way to courting Jane without his friend's further help. Was his sense of duty so strong that he intended to remain until the task was completed? That seemed more than was required. Or did he have some other motive?

Elizabeth continued to watch Mr. Darcy furtively as he diligently followed along in his Book of Prayers. As Reverend Fischer began to discuss the importance of Saint Paul's first letter to the Corinthians, she watched Mr. Darcy for a reaction. The familiar passage was a guidepost for true Christian charity. It declared that the love that God commanded each of us to practice was patient and kind, and not proud, resentful, or rude. She colored at the words. She thought that the verse would surely remind Mr. Darcy of their disastrous meeting at Hunsford and her critique of his character. Seeing his clenched jaw, she wished she had held her tongue or at least tempered her criticism. Warranted or not, she had no right to hurt someone intentionally. At the time, she thought her words would hardly touch him, but seeing him here in Hertfordshire attending to her reproof regarding his conduct toward Jane, she knew better. As Reverend Fischer continued on to opine that the more important part of the passage was the admonition that Christians should never be easily moved to anger and should never keep a record of wrongs, she realized that the passage might be a more appropriate critique of her own behavior.

Darcy, for his part, was indeed moved by Saint Paul's words, as they seemed to speak directly to him. He took the passage as one more sign that he needed to change his behavior. But, rather than simply be reminded of his shortcomings, the verse gave him hope. The passage ended with a declaration of the power of love, with the intonation, “Love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres. Love never fails.” Whatever his other flaws, he knew he truly loved Elizabeth, and if that was the case, it was not unreasonable for him to hope.

As the parishioners were asked to pray on the generosity of their own spirit, she watched as Mr. Darcy knelt, deep in thought. She wondered what he was thinking about so intently. As she examined his kneeling form, she realized she had never really looked at him closely before. She noticed how broad his back and shoulders appeared in his finely tailored coat. While she always knew he was wealthy and could afford the most flattering cut for his garments, she had never noticed before that his physique required no such enhancement. Nor had she noticed how curly his black hair was. She chastised herself for having such thoughts while she was supposed to be at prayer, but her vantage point made concentration on anything else impossible. She watched as Mr. Darcy bent his head and shoulders farther forward. She thought how different he looked than she would have expected, as he continued to kneel, oblivious to his surroundings.

As most of the members of the congregation, including Mr. Bingley, took their seats to indicate they had finished their prayers, Mr. Darcy continued to kneel. She wondered once again what so preoccupied him, and thought that he looked anything but proud at that moment. Finally, before Mr. Darcy's inattention became embarrassing, she noticed Mr. Bingley gently nudge Mr. Darcy's elbow with his leg. Mr. Darcy looked up, startled, and then sank back in his seat. As he moved, Elizabeth instinctively bowed her head toward his back to keep out of his peripheral view. By doing so, she found herself very close to the backs of the two gentlemen's heads as they exchanged whispers.

With his eyes staring straight ahead, Bingley leaned ever so slightly toward Darcy and quietly said, “Sorry, but I thought you might have fallen asleep on your knees. Or were you having an epiphany?”